Friday, December 30, 2016

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the phases of the moon above the cup, but I don't really like the eye looking down.  For me that is kind of creepy.  This card is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Infinite supply of love, spiritual gifts, relationship opportunities, peaceful, grateful, feeling enriched, purity of emotions

Guidance:  Deepen your capacity for love

Journaling:

The ace of cups is such a hopeful card!  It reminds me that to receive love I have to open myself up and be willing to receive.  This is why I've been doing a lot of work with my solar plexus chakra.  I have to be open to receiving love and that's not something that I'm always comfortable with..  I sometimes avoid showing up in life and that's unfortunate for me.  I still want someone in my life, but I've gotten to the point in my life where I need to be comfortable with me.  I'm not going to spend my life waiting for something that may never be.

Dearest Ones,
I surrender my feelings to you and I know that you have the perfect person for me.  Please help me to be patient and to love the life I have.  Also, please help me to truly show up in life and guide me to the opportunities and experiences that are right for me.

Blessed Be,
Raine

It always amazes me how calm and centered I feel after praying and turning things over.  It isn't always easy but a sense of calmness washes over me when I am able to get out of my own way and communicate with the divine.

December 30, 2017

It still amazes me how praying helps me to feel better about anything that is going on.  It just brings that intense feeling of peace that lasts throughout the day.  I've also found that if I pray on a regular basis, I am better able to respond to situations and to think more clearly.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Three of Pentacles

Three of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.

Journaling:

I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I'm appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I've come and all that I've gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I'm also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I'm human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I'm jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people's burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I've been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I'm really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that's fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don't need to jump in with both feet right now.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.

Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.

Journaling

This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I'm feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I'm tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn't want.  

I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.

That's what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I've finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  

Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I'm strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Eight of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing

Journaling

This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first met this.  It's interesting that over the past year, I've had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It's like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don't know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don't really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don't just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don't want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Two of Wands (R)

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First Impressions:  What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options.  I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard.  Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book;  Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance:  Don't spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I'm feeling so lost and lonely right now.  I want a simple life with someone who loves me.  The problem is that this is not a decision I can make.  I have to be passive and that's hard.

January 25, 2017

I've realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either.  My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love.  Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter.  I'm working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people.  Those are very positive steps I can make.  I'm also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose.  I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.

Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.

Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.

Journaling:

I am seething right now and the problem is that I don't even know who to be angry at.  I guess I'm angry at the universe because I don't have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don't want more responsibility in my life.  I don't want to be A's teacher.  I'm sorry, , I am saying what's in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I'm totally tapped out and I don't have the energy.  

And yes, I'm really angry.  It is another Christmas and I'm all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I'm tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  

They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.

January 25, 2018

Interesting rereading this as I've been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I'm looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I'm also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don't need or that no longer serve me.



Friday, December 9, 2016

Justice (Reversed)

Justice
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I'm not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy

Journaling:

Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i'm just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018

This card is again a warning that I'm out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I'm left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn't a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I've been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn't always easy, but I'm doing it.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love how this cup is drawn with the three women dancing over the cups.  It is such a happy card and I love the celebratory mood.  I still don't like the fact that the women aren't looking at each other.  Overall, this is a card of celebration and love.

Book:  Surrounded by those who give you happiness, appreciation for life itself, good feelings

Guidance:  Acknowledge and appreciate your loved ones, take time to celebrate, practice gratitude

Journaling

Ironic card to pull as I don't really have any friends.  However, I've been paying attention and I realize that I really do shut people out.  People at work invite me to parties and get togethers and I look for ways to get out of going.  I guess it really comes down to that I don't want a lot of friends, I want that special person in my life and I don't know how to get there.

January 23, 2018

I still don't have a lot of friends in my life, but I've become a lot more comfortable in being who I am and setting boundaries.  With the insane job that I work, I have no emotional energy to have people in my life.  Okay, that really does sound lame.  I need to ask them to bring people into my life who will add value and emotional support versus being a drag.  I'm realizing that my heart really does need to function as a valve and let love both in and out.  All too often, it has been a one way pipe with love flowing out, but not much flowing in.  I need to not let too much flow out.  And that means I need to set boundaries and not always be so giving.

Another piece of this that strikes me is the part about practicing gratitude.  I've been making a concious effort to practice gratitude lately and write down the good things that happen each day.  I also make it a point to not write down the bad things that happen.  Every Sunday I pull cards and record what happened during the week and I realize this really helps me to let go of all the junk.

Another thing that is really helping me to let go of the junk is to transcribe my journals and look for the lessons.  This helps me to really keep what adds value and let go of all the whining and the junk.


Wednesday, December 7, 2016

King of Pentacles

King of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  This king is so much more casual than some other versions of the King of Pents.  he is lounging as if he is a man who knows his own importance and isn't afraid to be himself.  The king of pents is clearly the master of his domain.

Book: Enjoy the finer things in life, working hard for what you have, wanting to set aside responsibility, not satisfied by the good life, sharing what he has.

Guidance:  Welcome change and innovation, you've earned what you have

Journaling

Interesting that s I'm sitting looking over the city, I'm lonely.  It feels as if I have everything I need or desire, but it doesn't mean anything.

January 23, 2018

It's been over a year since I pulled that card and my perspective has changed so much.  Although I still want someone in my life, I'm better able to appreciate what I have and the person I've become.  I think a big part of my problem was that I didn't think I should be comfortable being alone and I didn't think I should be proud of my accomplishments.  My parents raised me to believe I was nothing without a man and John reinforced that by being jealous of who I was and what I had accomplished.  He was continually trying to bring me down a notch and it became easier to just be "less than" than to deal with his drama.  What I've learned is that it really is/was his drama.  He was the one that felt inadequate.  It was nothing that I did.  It was all about his inadequacies.  I don't and can't own them.

The funny thing is that the word that keeps coming up for me is Fierce.  I feel fierce when I manage all the different aspects of my life.  I feel fierce when I kick butt and take names.  I'm learning that sometimes you just need to be direct and tell people what to do.  It still feels really uncomfortable for me, but I know it is what needs to be done.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Six of Pentacles

Six of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I'm not sure how I feel about this card as the hands are very disjointed and he is so focused on the scale that he isn't looking at the people.  This card is about judgement and about deciding who to give to.

Book:  Giving, letting resources fall by the wayside, giving too much, choices, needs being mutually met, power imbalance, abuse

Guidance:  Give wisely, examine your motives in giving, strive for more equality

Journaling

This card confirms what I know in my heart that X and I will never be together.  He sees me as a peer and as strong and that's not what he wants.  He likes to be the white knight who rides the rescue and that's not the situation any more.  I think I knew it was over 3 years ago when he said I was a strong woman.  That should have been a compliment, but it hurt like hell.  It felt as if I was slapped in the face.  In some ways, that was worse than all the insults that John threw at me.  At the time, I thought my reaction was just me being paranoid, but I knew now that wasn't paranoia, that was the end of whatever chance I had of being with him.  He likes damsels in distress and that was the day I knew that wasn't me any longer.

January 23, 2018

I'm not exactly sure how I got from the six of pentacles to the conclusion I drew, but I guess that is what the gods were whispering in my ear when I pulled this card.  When I look at this pull in combination with the Nine of Pentacles Reversed that I drew before, this makes so much sense.   The nine of pentacles was me being released from my golden cage and this card is confirming that I am my own person.  I no longer need someone to take care of me as I'm quite capable of taking care of myself.

The thing is that I've been quite capable of taking care of myself for quite a long time, but because of the conditioning I received, I thought I needed someone and that I was nothing on my own.  It's taken me a long time to realize it, but I am good enough on my own and I don't need someone to take care of me.  I've also realized that collaborating and being taken care of are two different things.  I can collaborate with people and continue to be capable and strong.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what's important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity.  I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book:  Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance:  Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today.  I'm not sure if it is about goals or finances.  Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much.  I don't think it is about her as it is about what she represents.  She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot.  It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing.  It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs.  That made it difficult to have a real marriage.  There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can't be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn't work for me.  Those relationships just have too many issues.  I don't want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don't want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card.  I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom.  In some ways, I really feel like that's where I'm at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all.  The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Three of Pentacles (Reversed)

Three of Pentacles (R)
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I've been thinking about the team in my life and I'm realizing that I surround myself with users who don't give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I'm definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I'm wondering if part of the reason I'm struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I'm overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I'm really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don't have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I'm running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that's not a big time screaming message that I'm out of energy, I don't know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven't been able to just jump in and do everything.  I've had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I'm working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don't have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I'm glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I'm also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  This card as interesting as it seems to be about intellect and knowledge flowing into the cup instead of emotions.  I do love how the phases of the moon are over the cup, tying it to emotions and intuition.

Book:  Purity of emotion, spiritual love, meant to guide as in being drawn along by a feeling, do not run from intuition, peaceful, grateful, receiving love and blessings

Guidance:  Accept and feel your emotions

Journaling:

I am in a place in my life where I am emotionally fulfilled.  I'm accepting and recognizing the love that is all around me and that's a good thing.  I feel as if I am blossoming by surrounding myself by people who are supportive and uplifting instead of gossipy nags.

I never realized how much my upbringing negatively affected me.  My mother truly did set the stage for my marriage to John as she trained me to be a subservient nobody and that's exactly what he wanted in a wife:  Someone who would do her bidding and not want a life of her own.  My saving grace is that he was incapable of supporting a family so I had to work to support us.  If that hadn't been the case, I might have lost all of me.

December 28, 2017

Sitting here in my house that only has my name on the mortgage, I'm realizing exactly how much I have broken away from my upbringing as I am not the person I was raised to be.  My mother raised me to be subservient and to put everyone else first, but somehow I've overcome that and become a strong and independent woman. 

As I write that phrase, I am so glad for Nephthys showing up in my life.  I have to be honest and say I was so afraid when she first showed up as she was the epitome of a virgin woman:  strong, independent, and confident.  I was terrified of being independent as I'd been raised to believe that a woman was nothing without a man, but I am someone all by myself.  Although I'd like someone in my life, I can still be complete and whole onto myself without someone. 

Dearest Nephthys,

Thank you so much for showing up all those years ago and taking me under your wing.  Thank you for helping me become the strong and independent woman I am today.  And I finally know I am independent enough to share my life with someone.

Blessings,

Raine




Friday, December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Sun (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--The Sun (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Sadness, feeling of loss or loneliness

Book:  Hiding your light, low self esteem, failure to see the good, expecting everything to revolve around you

Guidance:  Break through the clouds of gloom and despair and step confidently into your own light, love yourself more

Journaling

11/7/17--Oddly enough I did not do any journaling on this card when I originally pulled it.  I'm not sure why because I think the messages are inspiring and things I truly need to listen to even today.  I get so caught up in judging myself and putting myself down that I don't give myself credit for the good things I do.  I need to quit doing that.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I'm reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I'm closing myself off and shutting that door because I'm afraid.  I'm terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I've ever done.

Update 11/07/17
After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I'm finally ready to do that.  I'm embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Two of Wands

Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I'm not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.





Monday, November 28, 2016

The Moon (Reversed)

The Moon (Drawn Reversed)  Gilded Tarot
The Moon Reversed

Keywords:  Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance:  Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

Journaling

My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life.  Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don't know if anyone else will do.  I still honestly don't know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable.  Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It's a year later and I still haven't made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough.  I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone.  I'm realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they've broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I'm glad I've had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk.  There are days I'm lonely and really want to be with someone, but I'm also happy that I'm getting to know me.




Sunday, November 27, 2016

The World

The World from The Gilded Tarot
Key words/Impressions:  This card makes me think of an Olympic athlete standing on the medals stand having claimed victory.  It is a card of Success / Completion

Book Meaning:  Balance of conscious and unconscious, Being recognized yourself, completion and accomplishment, self realization

Guidance:  Be mindful, be more calm

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today as I get ready to send a letter to my mother explaining why I'm not talking to her.  In a way, this is the end to my childhood as it represents me truly standing up for myself.

Oddly enough, I didn't really feel a sense of completion after I sent the letter.  In fact, a part of me felt as if it was was cruel and as if things were better left unsaid.  I recognize that she will never recognize the validity of my point of view and she will just get defensive and fall back on her usual stance of "Well, I'm your mother."  There's also the likelihood that she will go on the attack.  It makes me sad when I realize that that's exactly how I used to behave.  I took everything as a personal attack, even if people were trying to help me.  I am so glad that I've learned a different way to act and that I'm helping my kids act differently.

I had such low self esteem that the slightest criticism made me get smaller and smaller until there were days I thought I would disappear.  If I had to pick one word to define myself during those days, I would choose fragile as that truly defined me.  I'm so much stronger now, but I still want and need people to have my back.  One of the things I long for is to have had a mother who had my back like I have my kids' backs.  I am there for them and I support them even when they make mistakes.

I've also realized that I don't really want a lot of friends as I'm comfortable being alone.  However, I also know the kids will move out someday and it would be nice to have other people in my life.

November 7, 2017

It's been almost a year since I wrote that letter and my mother never wrote me back or reached out.  It makes me so sad that she is so unaware that she cannot figure even open her mind to the possibility that she was wrong.  Over the past year, I've really realized that you cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped and who is unable to recognize their own flaws.


Saturday, October 8, 2016

Hanson-Roberts Recap

Type of Spreads:  Daily Draws

Time Frame:  September 10, 2016 to October 8, 2016

Overall Rating:  😎😎😎😎😎

Theme:  This deck follows the RWS, but gives a fresher perspective.  I love the colors on the cards and I love that that the images are closer and more intimate.  It feels as if I can really study them and get to know them.  I also  love the colors on this deck.

Impressions:

I really enjoyed working with this deck.  It is a nice size to hold in my hand and I enjoy the artwork.  One of the things I learned from playing with this deck is that playing solitaire is a great way to get comfortable working with the cards.

Overall, I feel the cards truly took on my energy and they felt like an old friend when I picked them up.  I have to be honest and say that part of me wants to keep working with this deck, but I know that it is good to get familiar with all my decks.

Favorite Cards

Six of Pentacles
Hanson Roberts
My first experience with the six of pentacles was with the DruidCraft deck and that experience left me traumatized as for me that card showed a very poor may being asked to give more than he could afford.  However, as I've explored other decks and dug deeper into the tarot, I've realized that the card is not about giving more than you can afford, but about both giving and receiving with an open heart.  As a result, I've learned to appreciate the card overall.

What I like about this version of the six of pentacles is that he looks happy to share what he has.  He is giving with an open heart instead of giving from a place of gamesmanship or having to give to impress people.  I also love that he is measuring what he gives out and I take that to mean that he is only giving what he can afford to give.



Queen of Cups
Hanson Roberts
The Queen of Cups is always one of my favorite cards because in all the decks I have, she carries herself regally, but she is also very approachable.  That holds true in this deck as well as she looks like a woman who is enjoying her morning coffee.  Her air is a little bit messy and she's holding the cup with two hands just like someone who really needs her morning caffeine.

She's also looking deep into the cup as if she's doing a little bit of scrying while she's contemplating her coffee.  Overall she looks very balanced and sure of herself, but she also looks like someone I wouldn't mind getting to know ad hang out with.




Justice
Hanson Roberts

Justice is another beautiful woman who looks dedicated and ready to do business, but approachable.  She looks as if she is someone who will truly listen to both sides of the story.  Our lady justice is also fully engaged and ready to hear with all of her senses.  She is not blind to what is before her.

I get the sense that this is someone who will truly listen and find the heart of the matter versus just the cold black and white of the facts.  Whatever justice she dispenses will be fair and compassionate.




Queen of Rods
Hanson Roberts
I love all the sun energy in this card.  Rods are the cards of fire and some artists go for flame with their interpretations, but Hanson and Roberts went for the energy of the sun and it truly works.  The sun elements in this card include the solar cross on her necklace, the sunburst of her thrown, the sunflower she's holding, the yellow cat, and the lion.

I especially love the juxtopositon of the cat and the lion as that gives us both the fun and friendly feline energy and the fiercer energy of the cat's larger cousin.  Although this is not an Egyptian deck by any stretch of the imagination, this deck makes me think of Sekhemet  and Bast with all the solar energy.




Least Favorite Cards

Ace of Cups
Hanson Roberts

This card is beautiful and if I wasn't hung up on more traditional meanings to be found in the Tarot, I might actually like it.  I do love the clouds in the background and the cup kind of just hanging out on top of the water.  However, what I don't like is that the water falling from the sky seems to be missing the cup.  I don't get the sense of water overflowing the cup into the stream like I do in other cards. 

When I truly look at this card, it almost seems as if the card is being held aloft by the streams of water like a hot air balloon.  It is an interesting interpretation, but overall I really don't like it.




Eight of Rods
Hanson Roberts


I have to be honest and say that I never really like the eight of rods/wands as it seems to be a boring card.  However, there are some versions okay with because you don't know if the wands are going up or coming down.  In this version its pretty apparent they are coming down because in all of the rods, the blossoms have been shown pointing up.

This is just a boring card with very low energy and I truly get no sense of what is supposed to be happening in this card.





High Priestess
Hanson Roberts

I don't like this card at all because there is too much religious symbolism.  She is wearing a cross, she has the moon goddess symbol in her headdress, and the scroll may be Jewish.  It is just way too much and overwhelming.  I realize that the mixed symbolism also appears on other High Priestess cards, but I don't like it.

Even though I am not a Christian, what I like about the Christian Church is that they've chosen one mythology to follow.  They are not trying to be all things to all people like this High Priestess is.




HIerophant
Hanson Roberts

The Hierophant is one of those cards that I usually don't like, but that there are some decks that have a version I like.  This is not one of those decks.  I do not like this hierophant as he represents everything I believe is wrong with the Christian church.  He looks cruel and the two children are bowing before him.  It also looks as if he might be ready to strike them with his stick thingy.  

Additionally, he looks totally disengaged.  It doesn't appear as if he is connected at all with heaven or earth.  He just appears in his own little world.






Summary
Overall, I really like this deck and it is a deck that I will read with again.







Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword.  Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword.  The skin on her arms appears gray.  My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder.  Be slower to form opinions.  Sorry may have hardened your heart.  Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance:  Breathe.  Trust it will all work out.  Do not take things so seriously.  Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg  She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn't personal.  She's not trying to screw me or hurt me.  She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job.  I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done.  I can't come out and say you don't need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don't even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were.  I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave.  At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT.  And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn't.  It is also a reminder that all the shit I'm going through right now, probably won't matter in a year or so.  

Friday, October 7, 2016

Five of Swords

Five of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I've told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I'm not sure how else to say the work is done.  I'm just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone's arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017

It's interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I'm also realizing that it wasn't the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I'm much happier.  I'm being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he's doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn't right for me no matter how much I want him to be.


Thursday, October 6, 2016

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks.  There are boats in the background.  The boy has his eyes closed.  Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks.  This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book:  Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance:  Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don't lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on.  The message that I'm getting is that sometimes I'm juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of.  There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention.  One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway.  I've said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens.  There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I've gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren't worth my time and energy.  Worry is one ball that I've been working hard to let go of.  There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn't help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop.  I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens.  I've spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go.  That's a big part of the reason that I've been working to let go of Chicago.  Going back there keeps me entangled and that's not healthy for me.  What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John.  I really do hate him for what he's done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me.  He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is.  I just need to let go


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Four of Pentacles

Four of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work

Journaling:

I am so incredibly happy to be home.I'm still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn't push back.

I've learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I've gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I'm making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  There are apples and berries growing on the trees.  The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets.  There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right.  This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book:  Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance:  Draw on the energy of the earth.  Take time to enjoy friendships.

Journaling:

Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness.  It just hurts to think about people having friends  when I'm mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning.  I don't even know how to get where I want to be.  I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017

It's over a year later and I still don't have friends, but I'm realizing I crave my alone time and I'm not really ready to give that up to have friends.  I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice.  I was so hurt when I wasn't able to make the first session and I said that I couldn't go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I'm sorry.  I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy.  And now they're calling and saying, "we don't think you're interested, etc., etc."  Of course they're right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?




Sunday, October 2, 2016

Ace of Pentacles


Ace of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth.  The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset.  This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book:  New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance:  Be prepared to deal with minor stuff .  Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom.  Ground yourself.

Journaling

I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world.  My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I'm not sure how to fix it.  Okay, that's a lie.  I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise.  However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what's the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I'm alone.  I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with.  I also disagree with Scott's advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick.  Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I'm ready to let go and move on.  I just need to chart my course and execute.  If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that's not what I want.  I'm ready to have someone new in my life.  I will always love him, but I'm done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow!  I am impressed with myself.  I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I've worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect.  I've chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch.  I've chosen to not send emails.  I've chosen not to answer some emails.  In short, I've made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I've also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life.  I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That's something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Hanged Man

Hanged Man
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat.  He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open.  There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace.  This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book:  Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance:  Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.

Journaling:

Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa.  I need to just let go and surrender.  There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling.  It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting.  It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing.  I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening.  My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that's what I'm going to do.  I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that's not what I want to do.  I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I'm going to stay for now.


Thursday, September 29, 2016

Chariot (Reversed)

Chariot
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The charioteer is male and there is a yin-yang symbol on the chariot.  Instead of horses, the chariot is being pulled by sphinxes.  There are half moons on the charioteers shoulders and his cap looks almost like that of a shriners.  He looks as if he is driving through an arch of stars.  In the background, there is a city.  Reversed this card speaks to me of out of control emotions.

Book:  Be wary of relying too strongly on your own willpower, energy being stuck or damned up, be careful of movements.

Guidance:  Hold your horses, it is not time to move forward.  Change direction

Journaling: 

Interesting card to pull.  This is a card I've spent a lot of time reflecting on and I'm still not sure what the meaning is for me.

December 23, 2017

The chariot has always spoken to me of emotional control and remaining steady even when there are forces pulling you in two different directions.  I've quit reading reversals so if I was reading this card today, I would read it as a reminder to keep my emotions under control and to continue moving forward.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Ace of Cups (Reversed)

Ace of Cups
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  I don't like this card, which is why it was one of my least favorites, it appears that the cup is suspended  by the water flowing instead of the water flowing into the cup, then overflowing.  Reversed this card says emotional emptiness and sadness to me.

Book:  Creativity and deeper feelings elude you, distancing yourself from something that will disturb you emotionally, feelings of spiritual disconnection.

Guidance:  Take care of yourself, do the right thing

Journaling

I am feeling empty today as if my life is without meaning.  My problem is that I am so emotionally invested in work that I take it personally.  None of this is personal.  These people are just idiots and don't know what they are doing.  They think they are so smart that they refuse to listen to people who have done this multiple times and too arrogant to accept help.  I'm done trying to help them.  I will deliver my what I'm supposed to deliver and that's that.  My main goal is to not say anything stupid and get fired.

December 23, 2017

As I reflect on this card, I realize that it is about life force draining out of you and not being replenished.  The traditional card has water flowing into and out of the cup and that's what happens in the natural flow of things when energy flows into and out of our soul.  When we get blocked or dis-eased, our energy gets stuck and we feel empty.  I've learned that I truly need to take time to recharge my batteries or I become empty and cranky.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Ten of Rods

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people's stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I'm not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, "It's not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy."

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn't theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they're driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn't mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don't like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my

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