Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016 Wrap Up

2016 was weird and wacky from a world perspective, but personally I had a great year.  And a lot of it was due to how I've grown and matured over the over the last year.  I worked really hard to find a firm emotional footing and in a lot of ways, I've found it.

It's been a lot of really hard work, but the funny thing is that once I got to the other side, all of the things I thought were so hard, aren't hard anymore.  The one thing I regret is that X and I aren't talking and I'm not sure why.  This break seems deeper than the others.  However, I don't know what, if anything, to do about it so I will let it sit.

Dear 2016,

Thank you for all the gifts you've give me and all the opportunities to learn and grow.  Thank you for the biggest gift, which has not been taking it all so seriously. 

Blessings,
Raine




Daily Draw: Four of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Open up, be generous

Book:  Letting go, sharing, releasing what has been hoarded

Guidance:  Open your heart, let go of all the anger

Journaling

I love this image of the four of pentacles with all of the pentacles held over his heart.  To me the message from this card is to let go of all the hurt I'm holding there.  I'm still holding on to anger and hurt from childhood and it's time to let all of that go.  There is no value in holding on to those hurts.  I understand now how they'e negatively impacted me.

I need to hold on to all the lessons and let go of the pain and anger.  The same is true for my marriage.  I need to learn the lessons and let go.  There is nothing to be gained by holding on to the pain,

===
God and Goddess, Dearly Beloveds

Please help me to let go of the anger and pain I feel over incidents that happened so long ago.  Help me to let go of shame, anger, guilt and all of those emotions that have no place in my life today.  In place of these emotions, please help me to embrace loving kindness.  Help me to realize that all of these slights and pain were more about the person who inflicted them than about me.

Help me to open my heart to love and goodness .  Let me know that opening my heart to love and goodness does not mean putting up with abuse.

Blessings,
Raine

I'm realizing now how screwed up my idea of love, especially unconditional love is.  From my mother, I learned that loving someone meant letting them abuse you and walk all over you, but you still had to be there for  them.  I cannot remember how many times Grandma was horrid to her, and she kept going back for more.

I don't know why, but it is something we all do to a certain extent.  There is this hunger for and desire for family and we all have it.  We all want want families to love us even when they are incapable of unconditional love.

July 1, 2018

I needed to hear this today and remember that we all want to be loved.  I'm also starting to have more compassion for my mother as I realize that all she wanted was the same unconditional love from her mother that I wanted.  Maybe she thought that she could get it by giving more and loving more.  Maybe she was like me when I first went to Al Anon and thought it could change me into someone that John would love.  Maybe she thought that if she kept going back eventually her mother would change and would love her.

Maybe all of what I've viewed as her being controlling and manipulative was about her trying to help me avoid some of the pain she faced.  I don't know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I can't live being half a person.  I have to be my full self and not go after my dreams and wants because of someone else.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the phases of the moon above the cup, but I don't really like the eye looking down.  For me that is kind of creepy.  This card is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Infinite supply of love, spiritual gifts, relationship opportunities, peaceful, grateful, feeling enriched, purity of emotions

Guidance:  Deepen your capacity for love

Journaling:

The ace of cups is such a hopeful card!  It reminds me that to receive love I have to open myself up and be willing to receive.  This is why I've been doing a lot of work with my solar plexus chakra.  I have to be open to receiving love and that's not something that I'm always comfortable with..  I sometimes avoid showing up in life and that's unfortunate for me.  I still want someone in my life, but I've gotten to the point in my life where I need to be comfortable with me.  I'm not going to spend my life waiting for something that may never be.

Dearest Ones,
I surrender my feelings to you and I know that you have the perfect person for me.  Please help me to be patient and to love the life I have.  Also, please help me to truly show up in life and guide me to the opportunities and experiences that are right for me.

Blessed Be,
Raine

It always amazes me how calm and centered I feel after praying and turning things over.  It isn't always easy but a sense of calmness washes over me when I am able to get out of my own way and communicate with the divine.

December 30, 2017

It still amazes me how praying helps me to feel better about anything that is going on.  It just brings that intense feeling of peace that lasts throughout the day.  I've also found that if I pray on a regular basis, I am better able to respond to situations and to think more clearly.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Three of Pentacles

Three of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.

Journaling:

I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I'm appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I've come and all that I've gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I'm also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I'm human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I'm jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people's burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I've been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I'm really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that's fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don't need to jump in with both feet right now.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Daily Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions;  Changes, endings, and beginnings

Book:  Life is full of cycles, events being good or bad based on ow we view them, destiny, life, death and rebirth

Guidance:  Be centered and secure, recognize the effect the past has on the present

Journaling

Interesting card considering the exercise I'm planning.  I want to go through key touch points in my life and pull a card to give advice to my younger self.  I'm a little hesitant, but it's something I feel called to do.  I want to make peace with my past so I can let it go and move on.  I feel like I have grown and changed so much and I'm ready to dig in some pieces of my past that are painful.  I think the seeds of my present are there and I need to make piece with who I was. 

Writing the letters was amazingly powerful.  All the cards were dead on.  The one I struggled with was eight of pentacles, but I finally realized that it was about focusing on work and not forming attachments.  Pretty spot on.

July 1, 2018

The exercise of pulling cards for pieces of my life is still one of the most powerful Tarot exercises I have ever done.  To actually look at and address the painful pieces of my life and speak to who I was.  Although, I cannot change the past, looking back with compassion and acknowledging my pain was incredibly powerful and was really healing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Daily Draw: The Empress

First Impressions:  Fertility, creativity

Book:  No want, no need, no lack, manifestation, mother archetype, creation and passion, nurture and give birth to a project, tap into the energy of mother earth

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, let your creativity flow, create beauty, take care of yourself

Journaling

What a wonderful card to pull today.  This card reminds me of the beauty and wonder in the world.  It also reminds me that I am capable of mothering myself.  And I am reminded that throughout my life, I have chose to live.  I am worthy of living and being loved and I deserve to have attachments.  It was wrong of my grandmother to say not to get attached to me. I am worth being attached to and I am worth loving.

July 7, 2018

It makes me so sad to think about my younger self going through life thinking that she wasn't worthy of love.  In a lot of ways, I think that is why I accepted John's bullshit as deep down I did not think I was worthy of love so I was willing to settle for whatever little scraps I could get even if I paid a very high price for them.  I've realized in the last few years that I am an amazing person and I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. 

It has taken me 50 years to accept and know deep in my soul that I am worthy of love, but I am and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Daily Draw: Five of Wands

First Impressions:  Conflict

Book:  Learning your own strengths and weaknesses, helping ourselves and others, old flaws are challenged

Guidance:  Do your best for your own good and the good of others, shake things up and see what happens

Journaling

This card about competing with others to make everyone better.  I'm not sure why I pulled this card today, but it gives me something to reflect on.  I do know that I need to be my best self, but I'm not positive what that means.  I guess it is something to reflect on.

July 7, 2018

I've always viewed competition one of two ways:  Either I had to be so good that I was going to obliterate the other person or I was going to walk away and not compete.  Maybe I need to change how I look at competition and look at it as a collaboration with people pushing the other person to be their best self.

Collaboration and working with others is something that is really difficult for me.  I much prefer to do things my own way and I always feel like anyone that I work with is in competition with me.  Maybe I need to think about this as others pushing me to be my best self.  I don't know if I will ever be  that enlightened.


Sunday, December 25, 2016

Daily Draw: Hermit

First Impressions:  Go within, listen to your inner wisdom

Book:  Self knowledge, withdraw, contemplate what you know, solitude, self examination

Guidance: Do not withdraw too long

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today.  This reflects where I am and my need to listen to my body.  I've been feeding it sugar to shut it up, but my body is just screaming louder and louder .  My life is finally starting to be what I want, but I am killing myself with sugar.

Dearest Beloveds,

Please change me into someone with natural health and vitality who does not need sugar to make it through the day.  Please help me to be someone with natural vitality who feels good with her body and treats her body with respect.

July 7, 2018

It's interesting that this was Christmas and I didn't touch on that once.  I'm not sure why.  We had a good Christmas that year and a beautiful treat that was in front of the window.  We didn't know it at the time, but it was Luke's last Christmas with us. 

John always called me a hermit and i always took offense, but I'm realizing that he was right, i am a hermit.  I don't like parties and crowds and that there is nothing wrong with that.  It's okay to to be a hermit and not a social butterfly.  I'm finally learning to truly accept me for me and embrace who I am.  That is so huge for me.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Daily Draw: King of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don't make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and make s me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I'm also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don't.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I'm going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

Friday, December 23, 2016

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions:  Juggling

Book:  Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance:  Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance.  There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason.  I see sweets and go nuts.  My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me.  I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can't stop shoving it in my face.  I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John.  He knows they are killing him, but he can't stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental.  Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction.  Please help me to let go of my need for sugar.  Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I'm realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction.  it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish.  It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me.  I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Daily Draw: Hanging Man (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power

Journaling

This card is hitting me today as the word's wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don't know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I'm no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I'm at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I'm also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I'm realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I've started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I'm used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I've actually put up an Isis altar and I'm going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Daily Draw: Seven of Cups

First Impressions:  Choices

Book:  Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking

Guidance:  Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control

Journaling

This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices.  I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion.  I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak.  He wasn't able to tell me why he's not talking tome and that's rude.  A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren't the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.

There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don't think so.  I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can't acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable.  Or his wife told him to stop talking to me.  Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we've been friends.  I deserve better than that.

July 8, 2018

This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another.  I'm really tired of the dance, but I don't know how to stop dancing.  There is this pull between us and I don't know how to stop.  Yes, I do.  If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.




Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Daily Draw: King of Wands (R)

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident

Journaling

This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I'm creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I'm afraid of opening doors that I thought I'd closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven't worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I've learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don't need to go back into the darkness and I don't owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don't need to give my all to anyone. 

I've also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Receiving

Book:  Suspicious, reluctant, bored, self absorbed, unable to appreciate goodness, disappointment with the status quo

Guidance:  Notice the gift, be open to receive, accept that you are worthy

Journaling

This card is about getting out of my self absorbed state and being willing to listen to the universe and receive gifts that are being offered.

One of the biggest gifts I have is that my body is still responsive to non-traditional ways of treating my diabetes.  Exercise still brings my blood sugar down.  For me it is about deciding I want health and being open to healing. It is so easy to turn to sugar for a quick energy hit, but all that does is create a downward spiral because it over taxes my body more and more.  I need to accept that I am going to deal with crap for a while while my body heals, but I won't start feeling better until I start listening to what my body truly wants and needs instead of just giving in to the quick sugar fix.  I might also need to go back to oatmeal for breakfast.  I know why I fell off the sugar wagon before, it was because I was doing all the right things and my blood sugar was dropping, but I wasn't losing weight so I got frustrated.

My real solution needs to be about focusing on how I feel instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale.  I did feel a lot better and had a lot more energy, but the minute I start feeling tired I go racing back to sugar and the whole damn cycle starts all over again.  At the end of the day, I don't want to die and I want to be here for my kids and giving up sugar is one way to increase the odds of that happening.

July 7, 2018

All of what I said above is true and things that I still need to work on, but what struck me as I read the guidance this go round was to accept that you are worthy.  That is something I've had to struggle with my entire life.  I've worked hard for everything that I have, but I have never truly accepted that I am worthy just as a human being and that I don't need to prove anything to anyone.  I am a beautifully flawed and amazing person just the way I am and I don't need to change to be worthy of having good things in my life. 

I think that's why X's friendship is such a blessing in my life.  He is the first person that has ever truly loved me unconditionally with no strings attached.  He wants nothing from me, but our friendship and that is so refreshing.  Yes he can be annoying with his advice sometimes, but he gives the advice because he loves me and not because he is trying to fit me into some mold or because I embarrass him the way I am.

I know there are days when i don't even think I'm worthy of my spirit guides love and guidance.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Daily Draw: Ace of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Loss of money, disillusioned, loss of wholeness

Book:  Gift of resources, health issues, lack of firm opportunity, refusing to play it safe, be careful about finances, delays

Guidance:  Do not undervalue this gift, shift your priorities, stay put for now, be cautious financially

Journaling

Interesting card to draw.  I'm not sure what it means, but I will pay attention.  My gut tells me it is not about money, but about health and that I need to make this the year to truly pay attention to my body.  I know I need to cut the sugar as it is literally killing me.  But that means I need to develop alternative energy sources.  My current strategy is to just keep sucking down sugar, but that's not working.  I need to eat slower burning energy sources that will give me longer lasting energy.

July 7, 2018

I am still sucking down too much sugar and starches and not eating the right things at all.  I am abusing my body and there are days I feel like an alcoholic as I just crave the stuff and I cannot stop drinking soda.  I don't know what the solution is, but maybe it is to take a week off and spend some time getting in touch with my body and figuring out what feels right.

I also need to dig back into the Good Mood cookbook.  It has such good guidance in it, but I haven't made the time or energy to dig into it.  I am going to commit to reading it this month and putting the principles into practice next month as I will be home most of the month.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Daily Draw: Seven of Wands (R)

First Impressions:  Letting go of the need to fight

Book:  Apathy, timidity, being defenseless or overpowered, relaxing your defenses, being overly defensive

Guidance: Relax, you have nothing to prove and no need to defend

Journaling

This card does bring up the feelings of inadequacy m y mother always brings out in me.  She just reduces me to a child, but I am starting to realize that this is all her bullshit and not mine.  The Facebook thing was her being greedy and selfish and thinking only of herself.

July 7, 2018

I'm finally getting to the point that I just don't care about her bullshit.  I don't even know if the bitch is greedy and selfish or if she is just clueless.  As I think about growing up with her, I am starting to realize that she is just clueless.  She doesn't even realize the impact that her words have on others and she just blurts out the first thing that is in her head.  She has no filter and is literally incapable of thinking of anyone else's feelings.

I don't know if I will ever get to the point where she won't matter and I will have totally mitigated her influence, but It is getting easier and easier to let go of her influence.  Some days it is harder than others and I really have to work at reminding myself that her opinions don't matter and that all the negativity is her insecurities and not mine.  Other days it is not that hard at all.


Friday, December 16, 2016

Daily Draw: Three of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Joy, moving on

Book:  Protecting the heart, letting go of pain, forgiveness, path to recovery, accepting pain and loss and moving on

Guidance:  Letting go and move on, accept the situation

Journaling

What a perfect card to pick today.  I definitely feel like I'm moving on and letting the past go.  I've accepted that I can't help help her or change her unless she wants help and to change and it's clear she would rather sit there and whine and be passive aggressive rather than move on and get help.

She is so insecure that she can't contemplate being wrong because it would shatter her self image.  I feel so much empathy because I used to be like that.  If anyone accused me of something or told me that I was wrong, I put my shields up.  I thought if I was wrong about anything it reflected on my worth as a person.  I've learned to let go of that and accept that I'm human.  I had to want to change.  I guess I'm also uncomfortable about confronting my m

July 1, 2018

One of the lessons that I'm learning about life is that sometimes I need to choose to let go of my need to be right in order to keep harmony.  That doesn't mean degrading myself, it just means accepting that somethings are truly not mine to control and that I need to let go of the need to control everyone to let other people have their own lives.

I'm doing that with Cam right now.  I have to let go of my need to harp on her job and to point out all the things that are wrong with her job.  Instead, I have to love and support her to the best of my ability.  

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions:  Resting

Book:  Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn.  Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor

Guidance:  Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns

Journaling

I know I'm right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl.  I can't do that.  I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.

The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change.  She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way.  One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing.  It is not that I am leaving her.  I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow.  She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.

July 1, 2018

Although I'm not proud of my behavior the last few days and I've had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I'm working to make amends and repair my relationships.  I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn't liking what I was seeing in the mirror.

Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better.  I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Daily Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Change, letting go of things

Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death.  Death of the ego.  Ending of all kinds, letting go

Guidance:  Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure

Journaling

I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she's not.  I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change.  She can't be the mother than I need or want her to be.  That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.

The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I'm in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.

July 1, 2018

Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing.  Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother.  Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching.  I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me.  I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.

I don't like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule.  However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it's my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can.  This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can.  It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk.  She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.

Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be.  I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative.  My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I'm struggling with the entire situation.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.

Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.

Journaling

This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I'm feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I'm tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn't want.  

I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.

That's what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I've finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  

Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I'm strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Eight of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing

Journaling

This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first met this.  It's interesting that over the past year, I've had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It's like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don't know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don't really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don't just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don't want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Two of Wands (R)

Add caption
First Impressions:  What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options.  I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard.  Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book;  Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance:  Don't spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I'm feeling so lost and lonely right now.  I want a simple life with someone who loves me.  The problem is that this is not a decision I can make.  I have to be passive and that's hard.

January 25, 2017

I've realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either.  My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love.  Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter.  I'm working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people.  Those are very positive steps I can make.  I'm also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose.  I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.

Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.

Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.

Journaling:

I am seething right now and the problem is that I don't even know who to be angry at.  I guess I'm angry at the universe because I don't have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don't want more responsibility in my life.  I don't want to be A's teacher.  I'm sorry, , I am saying what's in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I'm totally tapped out and I don't have the energy.  

And yes, I'm really angry.  It is another Christmas and I'm all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I'm tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  

They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.

January 25, 2018

Interesting rereading this as I've been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I'm looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I'm also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don't need or that no longer serve me.



Friday, December 9, 2016

Justice (Reversed)

Justice
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I'm not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy

Journaling:

Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i'm just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018

This card is again a warning that I'm out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I'm left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn't a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I've been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn't always easy, but I'm doing it.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love how this cup is drawn with the three women dancing over the cups.  It is such a happy card and I love the celebratory mood.  I still don't like the fact that the women aren't looking at each other.  Overall, this is a card of celebration and love.

Book:  Surrounded by those who give you happiness, appreciation for life itself, good feelings

Guidance:  Acknowledge and appreciate your loved ones, take time to celebrate, practice gratitude

Journaling

Ironic card to pull as I don't really have any friends.  However, I've been paying attention and I realize that I really do shut people out.  People at work invite me to parties and get togethers and I look for ways to get out of going.  I guess it really comes down to that I don't want a lot of friends, I want that special person in my life and I don't know how to get there.

January 23, 2018

I still don't have a lot of friends in my life, but I've become a lot more comfortable in being who I am and setting boundaries.  With the insane job that I work, I have no emotional energy to have people in my life.  Okay, that really does sound lame.  I need to ask them to bring people into my life who will add value and emotional support versus being a drag.  I'm realizing that my heart really does need to function as a valve and let love both in and out.  All too often, it has been a one way pipe with love flowing out, but not much flowing in.  I need to not let too much flow out.  And that means I need to set boundaries and not always be so giving.

Another piece of this that strikes me is the part about practicing gratitude.  I've been making a concious effort to practice gratitude lately and write down the good things that happen each day.  I also make it a point to not write down the bad things that happen.  Every Sunday I pull cards and record what happened during the week and I realize this really helps me to let go of all the junk.

Another thing that is really helping me to let go of the junk is to transcribe my journals and look for the lessons.  This helps me to really keep what adds value and let go of all the whining and the junk.


Wednesday, December 7, 2016

King of Pentacles

King of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  This king is so much more casual than some other versions of the King of Pents.  he is lounging as if he is a man who knows his own importance and isn't afraid to be himself.  The king of pents is clearly the master of his domain.

Book: Enjoy the finer things in life, working hard for what you have, wanting to set aside responsibility, not satisfied by the good life, sharing what he has.

Guidance:  Welcome change and innovation, you've earned what you have

Journaling

Interesting that s I'm sitting looking over the city, I'm lonely.  It feels as if I have everything I need or desire, but it doesn't mean anything.

January 23, 2018

It's been over a year since I pulled that card and my perspective has changed so much.  Although I still want someone in my life, I'm better able to appreciate what I have and the person I've become.  I think a big part of my problem was that I didn't think I should be comfortable being alone and I didn't think I should be proud of my accomplishments.  My parents raised me to believe I was nothing without a man and John reinforced that by being jealous of who I was and what I had accomplished.  He was continually trying to bring me down a notch and it became easier to just be "less than" than to deal with his drama.  What I've learned is that it really is/was his drama.  He was the one that felt inadequate.  It was nothing that I did.  It was all about his inadequacies.  I don't and can't own them.

The funny thing is that the word that keeps coming up for me is Fierce.  I feel fierce when I manage all the different aspects of my life.  I feel fierce when I kick butt and take names.  I'm learning that sometimes you just need to be direct and tell people what to do.  It still feels really uncomfortable for me, but I know it is what needs to be done.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Six of Pentacles

Six of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I'm not sure how I feel about this card as the hands are very disjointed and he is so focused on the scale that he isn't looking at the people.  This card is about judgement and about deciding who to give to.

Book:  Giving, letting resources fall by the wayside, giving too much, choices, needs being mutually met, power imbalance, abuse

Guidance:  Give wisely, examine your motives in giving, strive for more equality

Journaling

This card confirms what I know in my heart that X and I will never be together.  He sees me as a peer and as strong and that's not what he wants.  He likes to be the white knight who rides the rescue and that's not the situation any more.  I think I knew it was over 3 years ago when he said I was a strong woman.  That should have been a compliment, but it hurt like hell.  It felt as if I was slapped in the face.  In some ways, that was worse than all the insults that John threw at me.  At the time, I thought my reaction was just me being paranoid, but I knew now that wasn't paranoia, that was the end of whatever chance I had of being with him.  He likes damsels in distress and that was the day I knew that wasn't me any longer.

January 23, 2018

I'm not exactly sure how I got from the six of pentacles to the conclusion I drew, but I guess that is what the gods were whispering in my ear when I pulled this card.  When I look at this pull in combination with the Nine of Pentacles Reversed that I drew before, this makes so much sense.   The nine of pentacles was me being released from my golden cage and this card is confirming that I am my own person.  I no longer need someone to take care of me as I'm quite capable of taking care of myself.

The thing is that I've been quite capable of taking care of myself for quite a long time, but because of the conditioning I received, I thought I needed someone and that I was nothing on my own.  It's taken me a long time to realize it, but I am good enough on my own and I don't need someone to take care of me.  I've also realized that collaborating and being taken care of are two different things.  I can collaborate with people and continue to be capable and strong.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what's important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity.  I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book:  Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance:  Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today.  I'm not sure if it is about goals or finances.  Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much.  I don't think it is about her as it is about what she represents.  She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot.  It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing.  It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs.  That made it difficult to have a real marriage.  There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can't be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn't work for me.  Those relationships just have too many issues.  I don't want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don't want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card.  I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom.  In some ways, I really feel like that's where I'm at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all.  The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Three of Pentacles (Reversed)

Three of Pentacles (R)
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I've been thinking about the team in my life and I'm realizing that I surround myself with users who don't give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I'm definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I'm wondering if part of the reason I'm struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I'm overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I'm really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don't have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I'm running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that's not a big time screaming message that I'm out of energy, I don't know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven't been able to just jump in and do everything.  I've had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I'm working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don't have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I'm glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I'm also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  This card as interesting as it seems to be about intellect and knowledge flowing into the cup instead of emotions.  I do love how the phases of the moon are over the cup, tying it to emotions and intuition.

Book:  Purity of emotion, spiritual love, meant to guide as in being drawn along by a feeling, do not run from intuition, peaceful, grateful, receiving love and blessings

Guidance:  Accept and feel your emotions

Journaling:

I am in a place in my life where I am emotionally fulfilled.  I'm accepting and recognizing the love that is all around me and that's a good thing.  I feel as if I am blossoming by surrounding myself by people who are supportive and uplifting instead of gossipy nags.

I never realized how much my upbringing negatively affected me.  My mother truly did set the stage for my marriage to John as she trained me to be a subservient nobody and that's exactly what he wanted in a wife:  Someone who would do her bidding and not want a life of her own.  My saving grace is that he was incapable of supporting a family so I had to work to support us.  If that hadn't been the case, I might have lost all of me.

December 28, 2017

Sitting here in my house that only has my name on the mortgage, I'm realizing exactly how much I have broken away from my upbringing as I am not the person I was raised to be.  My mother raised me to be subservient and to put everyone else first, but somehow I've overcome that and become a strong and independent woman. 

As I write that phrase, I am so glad for Nephthys showing up in my life.  I have to be honest and say I was so afraid when she first showed up as she was the epitome of a virgin woman:  strong, independent, and confident.  I was terrified of being independent as I'd been raised to believe that a woman was nothing without a man, but I am someone all by myself.  Although I'd like someone in my life, I can still be complete and whole onto myself without someone. 

Dearest Nephthys,

Thank you so much for showing up all those years ago and taking me under your wing.  Thank you for helping me become the strong and independent woman I am today.  And I finally know I am independent enough to share my life with someone.

Blessings,

Raine




Friday, December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot
First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Sun (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--The Sun (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Sadness, feeling of loss or loneliness

Book:  Hiding your light, low self esteem, failure to see the good, expecting everything to revolve around you

Guidance:  Break through the clouds of gloom and despair and step confidently into your own light, love yourself more

Journaling

11/7/17--Oddly enough I did not do any journaling on this card when I originally pulled it.  I'm not sure why because I think the messages are inspiring and things I truly need to listen to even today.  I get so caught up in judging myself and putting myself down that I don't give myself credit for the good things I do.  I need to quit doing that.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I'm reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I'm closing myself off and shutting that door because I'm afraid.  I'm terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I've ever done.

Update 11/07/17
After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I'm finally ready to do that.  I'm embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Two of Wands

Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I'm not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.





Monday, November 28, 2016

The Moon (Reversed)

The Moon (Drawn Reversed)  Gilded Tarot
The Moon Reversed

Keywords:  Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance:  Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

Journaling

My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life.  Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don't know if anyone else will do.  I still honestly don't know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable.  Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It's a year later and I still haven't made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough.  I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone.  I'm realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they've broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I'm glad I've had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk.  There are days I'm lonely and really want to be with someone, but I'm also happy that I'm getting to know me.




Sunday, November 27, 2016

The World

The World from The Gilded Tarot
Key words/Impressions:  This card makes me think of an Olympic athlete standing on the medals stand having claimed victory.  It is a card of Success / Completion

Book Meaning:  Balance of conscious and unconscious, Being recognized yourself, completion and accomplishment, self realization

Guidance:  Be mindful, be more calm

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today as I get ready to send a letter to my mother explaining why I'm not talking to her.  In a way, this is the end to my childhood as it represents me truly standing up for myself.

Oddly enough, I didn't really feel a sense of completion after I sent the letter.  In fact, a part of me felt as if it was was cruel and as if things were better left unsaid.  I recognize that she will never recognize the validity of my point of view and she will just get defensive and fall back on her usual stance of "Well, I'm your mother."  There's also the likelihood that she will go on the attack.  It makes me sad when I realize that that's exactly how I used to behave.  I took everything as a personal attack, even if people were trying to help me.  I am so glad that I've learned a different way to act and that I'm helping my kids act differently.

I had such low self esteem that the slightest criticism made me get smaller and smaller until there were days I thought I would disappear.  If I had to pick one word to define myself during those days, I would choose fragile as that truly defined me.  I'm so much stronger now, but I still want and need people to have my back.  One of the things I long for is to have had a mother who had my back like I have my kids' backs.  I am there for them and I support them even when they make mistakes.

I've also realized that I don't really want a lot of friends as I'm comfortable being alone.  However, I also know the kids will move out someday and it would be nice to have other people in my life.

November 7, 2017

It's been almost a year since I wrote that letter and my mother never wrote me back or reached out.  It makes me so sad that she is so unaware that she cannot figure even open her mind to the possibility that she was wrong.  Over the past year, I've really realized that you cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped and who is unable to recognize their own flaws.


Saturday, November 12, 2016

Daily Draw: Five of Cups(R)

First impressions:  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds

Journaling

There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It's been almost two years since I wrote this and I'm not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I've realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I've come to value myself so much in the last few years and I've learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I've learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what's not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

Monday, November 7, 2016

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First impressions:  Contemplation

Book:  Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance:  Ask for help, be open to change

Journaling

This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up.  I have to be honest and say I feel that way today.  After my mother's guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter.  But I can't go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn't even mature enough to accept that she's doing it.  I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down.  However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive.  She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health.  However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that.  She doesn't have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life.  And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Grounded mature, financially responsible

Book:  Strong, self contained, confidence, creating a life filled with beauty

Guidance:  Maintain the joy in creativity, be wise and not just frugal

Journaling

What an auspicious card to draw on my birthday.  The Queen of Pentacles is grounded and mature and who I want to be in my life.  I'm making progress, but I have to work on my body.  That is the one area where I feel I don't have control.  I am so addicted to sugar.  I just eat it without even thinking.  I believe it is because my life is not sweet and I eat sugar to compensate.

September 1, 2018

I am finally taking definitive action on my sugar addiction.  I've started tracking my food diligently and although I am totally feeling horrible today, I know that it will get better.  I also have been working hard to treat myself with more compassion and that's hard because I am so used to beating myself up and being unkind.  It is a journey, but a journey that is important and worth taking.

Note to Myself on my Birthday

I can't believe that I'm 50!  When I was younger I thought 50 was so old, but I'm realizing that it's not that old at all.  In a lot of ways I feel like a better version of myself at 30.  I'm smarter and much more grounded than I was at 50.  I also value myself more than I did when I was younger. 

I'm starting to fill my head with good thought instead of all the negative junk that John filled my head with.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisiveness, clarity

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance:  Curb your words and speak with kindness

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes:  "This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I've been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I'm also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I'm not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I'm seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We're supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.


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