Saturday, April 30, 2016

Child of Earth

Child of Earth
Gaian Tarot
First Impressions:  This card is a card of innocence.  I love how big the apple is compared to the child's hands and how he looks so studious.  This card makes me think of intensity, protection, a child's heart, contemplation, innocence, and being aware

Journaling:

Exploring the earth, happiness, being attuned to my intuition and divine wisdom and knowing in my soul what makes me happy.  Letting go of pretenses.  I know what would make me happy:  coming home every night.

May 8, 2016

This card is about exploring, but it is also about innocence and trusting the universe to provide.  Maybe I need to trust the universe to provide what I need and to quit trying to control everything.

January 2, 2018

As I reflect on the almost two years since I pulled this card, I'm realizing that the message was to get tuned into earth and to let go of all the crap that has built up in my soul and is keeping me separated from my intuition and from my innocence.  It is innocence that helps us reclaim our connection to the divine by eliminating all the doubts and fears that keep us from believing that there is something bigger than ourselves out there.  When we are able to let go of that fear and find the happiness within our soul, we can find that divine spark within ourselves and within others.


Friday, April 29, 2016

Six of Air (Reversed)

Six of Air
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:

There is sadness where there should be tremendous joy.  I am at a time in my life where there is a tremendous potential for joy, but I'm feeling depleted and isolated.  I'm feeling tremendously alone.  The book suggest that I'm finding it hard to find anything to be grateful for and my mind is foggy and confused.  This is all so true as I'm finding it difficult to be grateful.  I am so focused on the negative aspects of my job that I'm forgetting that I have a lot to be grateful for and have a lot of blessings in my life.  I'm also trapped in a place of fear that is not suiting me well at all.

I need to work to turn this around and to greet the new day with a song of gratitude.  I have so much to be grateful for:

  • I have a job that pays the bills
  • I have a beautiful home
  • I have kids that are smart and nice
  • I have opportunities
  • I have money in the bank
  • I'm reducing my blood sugar
  • I'm starting to eat more healthy foods
December 25, 2017

I'm realizing that these entries were the start of turning things around because even though I started out talking about my sadness and loneliness, I was able to get myself back to a place of gratitude.  I never truly understood when people said you had a choice about your attitude and your emotions.  I always just thought that your emotions were kind of like the weather and that you just had to deal with them.  However, I have started to realize that I can change my emotions and I can choose to be happy.  I can also choose to feel each and every emotion and acknowledge them.  I think acknowledging the difficult emotions is key.  I don't have to act super happy if I'm grieving, but I can acknowledge the grief and also acknowledge the gratitude.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Explorer of Earth (Reversed)

Explorer of Earth
Gaian Tarot
Impressions:  Ungrounded, disconnected, not paying attention, not protected

Journaling:

I feel unbalanced and ungrounded as if I was being buried instead of supported.  I feel disconnected and uprooted.  I long for roots and a strong support system, but I feel my efforts to get that strong support system constantly fail.  Is this about a lack of trust in the earth?  Do I feel as if I can't trust the gods to have my back even though they have shown time and time again that I am taken care of and that they do have my best interests at heart?  There have been so many times when I thought things were horrible, but they turned out for the best.

December 25, 2017

Interesting card.  I still don't feel as if I have a strong support system and I still feel as if there isn't anyone I can trust other than a few people.  I did make an honest effort to go to church, but that didn't turn out too well.  I was really really hurt when those bitches didn't even say I hope your daughter feels better or that she's okay.  I thought that was a pretty horrible way to treat someone and after that I decided I wanted nothing to do with those people.

I was also talking to Cam and I think part of the reason I don't want anything to do with the UUs is that when you go to a UU church there is no energy or faith.  They people want to get together and worship, but it is not truly worship as they don't believe in something bigger than themselves.  I do believe in something bigger than myself and I have faith.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The World

The World
Gaian Tarot
Book:  All should be well, Best of all possible cards, Wholeness, integration of spiritual, emotional, and physical lives, a major stage of your life is complete, A new phase should start soon, Remembering your birthright as a child of heaven and earth.

Journaling:

I'm not exactly sure what was going on that I ended up with three cards for the day, but I believe that nothing happens by accident so I'll go with it.  The World is about wholeness and completion about about being at one with the universe.  It is a card that is about being pregnant with possibilities.

This card gives me a sense of completion and it feels as if one phase of my life is ending and another is just beginning.  It feels as if I am ready to move on and to recognize my own worth.  I don't need to prove myself anymore.  I know my worth and the value that I bring to the table. 

I wonder if this is about my job situation as I'm ready to move on and to have a more settled life. 

May 8, 2016

World, completion, fulfillment, being whole, knowing my place in the world, accepting life's gifts

December 25, 2016

What truly struck me as I was reading through this was the phrase "accepting life's gifts."  That's where I've been at lately as I've been working hard to accept and appreciate all the wondrous things that life has to offer and when I start to complain about something, I refocus myself and remind myself about all the good stuff that comes my way.  When I complain about my kitchen, I remind myself about how amazing my house is.  When I complain about work, I remind myself that I have a job.  Sometimes it's difficult to do this as it feels unnatural, but I just keep reminding myself that every skill we ever learn feels unnatural at some point in time.  The trick is to keep at it and eventually it will start feeling less strange.

Explorer of Fire

Explorer of Fire
Gaian Tarot
Book:

You are playing a dangerous game, you like being the center of attention, you like to dominate, let the contours and dramas of our life soften us.

Journaling:

Oddly enough this was the actual card of the day today.  It's interesting to me because they are both fire cards and in some ways have very contradictory meanings.  While the five of fire seems to be a warning about playing with fire, this card is about exploring and getting to know fire.

Is this card telling me that I'm finally ready to play with fire and it is time for him to come into my life?  The funny thing is that I'm not even sure that's what I want in my life anymore.  I'm at a point in my life where I WANT someone in my life, but no longer NEED someone in my life like I did at one point.  I'm fairly strong and confident in who I am all by myself.  I think that's part of why I am so torn because I love my life in Cleveland.  I loving having independence.  I love being able to do what I want with my house and not having to collaborate with anyone else.  I also don't want to be with someone who will hold me back.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else's.

 I was thinking about K. this morning and about how he values and appreciates my journeys.  He sees it as amazing and spiritual and not weird like someone else does.  Someone else sees it as fantasy at best and demonic at worst and I don't know if that's what I want in my life.  Having someone who views my gifts that way is just another way that I put myself down and feel less than.

December 24, 2017

Interesting as when I originally wrote this, I did feel this way intellectually, but there was a part of my heart that still needed to have someone special in my life and I wanted the person that I wanted.  I've come a long way in the past year and a half and although I do want someone in my life, I've truly become more comfortable in my own skin and I'm realizing the joys of being my own person and not having to answer to anyone.

Five of Fire

Five of Fire
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:

Interesting that this was not technically the card of the day.  I clicked on Draw a Card in the app instead of Today's Card and this is what I got.  This card is very apt though as I am playing with fire as I am letting all rhyme and reason go out of my head where a certain someone is concerned.  I could let myself get totally consumed by his flame and that would not be a healthy place for me to be, but there is a part of me that doesn't care.

May 8, 2016

I'm still not sure what the meaning of this card is.  I originally thought it was about playing with fire and getting burned, but the fire breather controls the fire without getting burned.  I think this requires some more prayer and meditation.

December 25, 2017

The five of fire can be an incredible high, but it can also be dangerous as the person breathing fire and /or the audience can get burned.  I think the message for me is to be careful.  I have the tendency to become obsessed and let myself be consumed by people and things.  I've been working hard to learn to take a step back and I have to say I've been way better about it.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Teacher

Teaecher
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:  

This card is reminding me to be open to all wisdom from all sources and to be in touch with the divine spark within me.  It also is a reminder that having both roots and wings can help us to succeed.  This card is about being able to traverse all worlds as the tree of life allows us to access the upper world, the middle world, and the lower world.

This card is about recognizing that being a teacher is not just about passing down wisdom, it is also about being willing to receive it and being able to open our ears and our hearts and listen to the messages we are receiving.

The book indicates that this is a sign that a teacher may appear or that I may be ready to be a teacher to others.  One of my questions is why does it have to be an either or?  Can't I be a student and a teacher at the same time?

Crazy Saint--Trust in our knowledge.  Be secure in ourselves and let go of what other people think of us.  The book also asks whether or not I know the names of plants in my area, which may mean I am being guided to be rooted and grounded in my home.

December 25, 2017

This card is speaking to me today as I'm exploring both teaching and learning.  I know that I have wisdom to offer others, but I'm struggling with whether or not I want the responsibility of guiding others.  I think I need to come to a new understanding of what teaching is and maybe it is about guiding not so much teaching.  For me, teaching comes with the responsibility to grade and to judge.  However, being a guide means I provide input, but not grades. 

I also love the guidance about learning the plants where I live.  I'm working to be more connected to my home and to truly learn to appreciate the flora and fauna that surround me.



Monday, April 25, 2016

Death

Death
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:

At first glance this is about all the things I've lost in my life.  It is about letting go of illusions.  It is about grieving and moving on.  We need to let go of these things that no longer serve us.  Release that which no longer your best interest to create the space for new beginnings.  Where am I holding on to that which no longer serves me:

  • The belief that I will live happily ever after with a certain someone
  • My anger over John's betrayal
  • Playing the strong survivor
  • Playing the victim
  • The expectation that John will ever grow up
  • The belief that I am unlovable
  • The belief that I'm not strong enough
Letting go of all these limiting beliefs will help me to live a beautiful and amazing life.

December 24, 2017

It is amazing as I head into 2018 to look back and realize how much I've grown and how much I truly have let go of.  I am starting to truly realize how strong and amazing that I am and that I don't need to play either the victim or the survivor.  I just need to be me.  I'm not perfect and there are things I could do better, but overall I've realized that I am the only person I really have who will always be here for me so it behooves me to be nice to myself.

Beating myself up and talking down to myself is not and has never been productive.  All it has done has lead me to not like myself and to continue to put other people first.  I need to let go of all of the negativity and realize how truly amazing I am.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That's hard for me as I'm scared of being alone and I feel my life isn't valuable if I'm alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don't let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm's length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn't cling to.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Ace of Air

Ace of Air
Gaian Tarot
Journaling:

Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I'm finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone's partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn't.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn't willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, "Well if you loved me, you would.."  However, that's not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn't mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone's sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I'm strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I'm so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

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