Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Explorer of Fire

Explorer of Fire
Gaian Tarot
Book:

You are playing a dangerous game, you like being the center of attention, you like to dominate, let the contours and dramas of our life soften us.

Journaling:

Oddly enough this was the actual card of the day today.  It's interesting to me because they are both fire cards and in some ways have very contradictory meanings.  While the five of fire seems to be a warning about playing with fire, this card is about exploring and getting to know fire.

Is this card telling me that I'm finally ready to play with fire and it is time for him to come into my life?  The funny thing is that I'm not even sure that's what I want in my life anymore.  I'm at a point in my life where I WANT someone in my life, but no longer NEED someone in my life like I did at one point.  I'm fairly strong and confident in who I am all by myself.  I think that's part of why I am so torn because I love my life in Cleveland.  I loving having independence.  I love being able to do what I want with my house and not having to collaborate with anyone else.  I also don't want to be with someone who will hold me back.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else's.

 I was thinking about K. this morning and about how he values and appreciates my journeys.  He sees it as amazing and spiritual and not weird like someone else does.  Someone else sees it as fantasy at best and demonic at worst and I don't know if that's what I want in my life.  Having someone who views my gifts that way is just another way that I put myself down and feel less than.

December 24, 2017

Interesting as when I originally wrote this, I did feel this way intellectually, but there was a part of my heart that still needed to have someone special in my life and I wanted the person that I wanted.  I've come a long way in the past year and a half and although I do want someone in my life, I've truly become more comfortable in my own skin and I'm realizing the joys of being my own person and not having to answer to anyone.

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