Thursday, June 2, 2016

Two of Water (Reversed)

Two of Cups
Gaian Tarot
First Impressions:  This is a card of unconditional love.  I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them.  As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I'm getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency.  I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He's pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn't going to happen.  The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship.  I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now.  Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship.  It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother.  She is who she is and I cannot change her.  I don't want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem.  I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like.  I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust.  Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective:  I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn't bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect.  He told the kids before me, he didn't help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself.  However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them!  It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Three of Air

Three of Air
Gaian Tarot
First Impressions:  This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom.  This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning.  As I write this, I'm realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page.  It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul. 

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page.  What I don't know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative.  Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit?  Is what I'm uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in?  I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand.  I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future.  I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I've been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:


  • Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up.  It's okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
  • Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for  me
  • There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage.  I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
  • Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy
What I want in a partner:
  • An equal partner
  • Someone who pays his own way
  • Someone who respects my boundaries
  • Someone who does not gaslight me
  • Someone with similar interests
  • A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
  • A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
  • A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
  • A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
  • A guy who loves me despite my flaws
Other things I've learned:
  • That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
  • That I am worth knowing an loving
  • That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that's never what he wanted
  • I'm not really angry anymore an I've learned a lot of lessons
December 29, 2017

This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part.  I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love.  I'm still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I've put it out their to my guides and I've opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we'll see what happens.  



Popular Posts