|Three of Air|
This card is about pouring your heart out on the page. It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul.
I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page. What I don't know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative. Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit? Is what I'm uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in? I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand. I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future. I am choosing fertilizer.
Since I've been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:
- Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up. It's okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
- Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for me
- There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage. I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
- Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy
What I want in a partner:
- An equal partner
- Someone who pays his own way
- Someone who respects my boundaries
- Someone who does not gaslight me
- Someone with similar interests
- A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
- A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
- A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
- A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
- A guy who loves me despite my flaws
Other things I've learned:
- That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
- That I am worth knowing an loving
- That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that's never what he wanted
- I'm not really angry anymore an I've learned a lot of lessons
December 29, 2017
This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part. I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love. I'm still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I've put it out their to my guides and I've opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we'll see what happens.