|Knight of Pentacles|
Book: Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate
Guidance: Be patient and methodical
As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me. One of the biggest lessons I'm learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people. It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people. My life matters and it is not just about other people.
I feel like I'm drowning in emotions right now and I'm getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other. I'm feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don't know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again. My heart hurts and I don't know why. I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel these emotions. However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.
My reaction to an email is just that an emotion. Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion. I am fine. I am grounded in reality and I am fine. I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation. Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can't vilify my dad. I feel like an orphan today. Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.
December 23, 2017
Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth. This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I've grown and changed. One of the most important lessons I've learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge. I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them. If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course. However, recently I've learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge. It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it. I do not have to let the emotions rule my life. That is so powerful and intense.