Monday, October 31, 2016

Daily Draw: Three of Cups

First Impressions:  Friendship and fellowship

Book:  Celebration, jubilee, merriment, people who are genuine and truly supportive

Guidance:  Rejoice and celebrate

Journaling

This card is hard for me as I really don't have a lot of friendships to revel in.  I'm a little shy and I'm afraid of getting close to people.  I sometimes feel as if people use me and that doesn't feel very nice.  I'm feeling that way around S.  a lot.  It feels as if when I need a reading or am buying dinner, eh has time for me, but that when I just need to talk he doesn't.  I need to sit with this a little while, but it doesn't feel good.

May 26, 2018

I still don't have a lot of friends, but I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and I'm feeling more comfortable alone.  I'm also realizing that it is better to be alone than to have people in your life who use you.  I think where I'm at right now is that I just need to accept that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach a lesson about who to trust and who not to trust.  S. was someone who I let in and I think that was okay as he helped me and listened when I really needed it.  My life has changed and I no longer fit into his life.  And that's okay.  I can just let go and know that I learned from him and now it is time to move on.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Daily Draw: Heirophant (R)

First Impressions:  Going my own way, living on my terms

Book:  Rebelling, eccentricity, originality of ideas, taking the unconventional path through life

Guidance:  Follow your own path, don't go along with the crowd

Journaling

I could read the significance of this card in several ways.  I'm choosing to view it as being about my need to be my own person and not follow all the arbitrary rules of life.  Another potential reading is about walking away from X as he is a very traditional person and for a while I kept getting this card when asking about him.

May 25, 2018

I'm realizing that a lot of the guidance I got at this time in my life was so meaningful as it came right before my 50th birthday and the cards were really encouraging me to be my own person and to live my own life.  This is another card that is all about being your own person and not following the same path that everyone else has followed.  This has always been hard for me, because I like to be liked and sometimes I will live according to other people's rules until I can't take it any longer and lash out.  That always surprises everyone because they assumed that I was fine with the way things are going.

One of my goals for this year is to live a more authentic life and to be more true to myself and stop living according t everyone else's rules.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Daily Draw: Five of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book:  Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance:  Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I've spent some time reflecting on this card and I'm still not sure how to read it.  One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them.  The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that's true.  I'm choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about.  Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen.  For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves.  I've also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me.  That's so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong.  However, in this instance, I didn't do anything wrong.  She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything.  I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless.  At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions.  That's hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don't want to be blamed for things not going well.  I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions:  One with the earth, earthy sensuality

Book:  Warmly in a relationship with the earth, high value on stability, domesticy

Guidance:  Take pleasure in small daily rituals, love your life

Journaling

I love this card because it helps me feel grounded in the earth and connected.  I feel this way when I do reverse corpse and feel myself in touch with all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I am so glad that I pulled this card today because I needed to be reminded of what an amazing place our earth is and what our place in it is.

May 25, 2018

I drove through Lakewood Cemetery today and I always feel so grounded when I go to cemeteries, because I am reminded that nothing I am going through matters all that much in the big scope of things.  We are born, we live, and we die.  Our job is to live our best lives while we are alive.  We need to love other people, be kind to people, eat healthy, and be the best people we can be.  Sometimes we fall short of those ideals, but when we do, we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.

I know that I am not a perfect parent and there are times when I am unkind, when I tease the kids too much, or when I do other things that are not nice, but I acknowledge them, apologize and try to do better.  And that is why I am different than the bitch.  She would never acknowledge how she hurt me and she would never try to make it better.  Even when I sent her a letter and outlined all the ways that she had hurt me, she never responded.  I think that hurts almost worse than what she did because it feels like I don't even matter enough for her to apologize to or try to make amends too. She acts like she is so F*ing hurt that I'm not talking to her, but she refuses to do anything to fix the situation. 

It is as if she is so stuck in her mentality that she is the "elder" (what a joke) so she doesn't have to do anything or treat me with respect.  It is as if because I am her child, I do not deserve respect.  That is so full of garbage and the complete antithesis of how I treat Sean and Cam.  I know they deserve respect and I know that I am not deserving of respect just by virtue of being their mother.  If I did not treat them with respect, I would not deserve respect from them.  That is the complete opposite of how I was raised and she cannot understand that way of thinking at all

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Daily Draw: Three of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Learning from others, collaboration

Book:  Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance:  Learn from others, trust others

Journaling

Perfect card for me to draw today.  This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.  I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help.  I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can't get all swirly.  Getting all swirly doesn't help a whole lot.  Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event.  The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for.  This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out.  At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over.  I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can't control and I need to stop.  I need to learn to breath and to turn things over.  Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Daily Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions:  Enthusiasm, starting something

Book:  Threshold of a newly inspired direction, opportunity to discover potential, embark on self development, creative, enthusiastic, confident

Guidance:  Be Bold, Be Magical

May 25, 2018

Another day that I didn't journal.  Things must have been pretty intense or I wasn't feeling well if I didn't make time to journal.  Even though I didn't know it when I pulled this card, I was at the beginning of a new adventure and creating my own life.

I was creating my exit from Chicago and in some ways the job i landed at itelligence came out of my putting it out there to the universe that I was ready to leave Chicago.  The Gods heard that and created a pathway for that to happen.  The one thing I don't understand is why they have not yet created a pathway for love.  I have been pretty vocal about that being what I want to manifest in life, but it hasn't happened yet.  I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what I would have to do to manifest it.

The only guidance they keep giving me is to be patient.  That is hard guidance for me to follow, but I know in my heart it is the right guidance and I know in my heart that it will work out.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Daily Draw: Devil (R)

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don't have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I've also realized that owning and accepting doesn't mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don't still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don't just give me a short term sugar high.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions:  Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance:  Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely.  The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company.  The look on her face is sad and very bleak.  this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately.  I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by.  I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018

I'm realizing this card isn't lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don't appear to be what we're looking for.  I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them  The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life.  This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them.  The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh.  People at work are supportive of what I'm trying to accomplish.  Even though I don't have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Daily Draw: King of Swords

First Impressions:  Mastery of one's thoughts

Book:  Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance:  Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally.  I'm sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work.  I love this card.  Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people's points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view.  My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others.  However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known.  It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds:  Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train.  The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had.  Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Daily Draw: Eight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Joy, Aloneness

Book:  Steady progress, training, manifestation, on going process of sowing and reaping, concentrate on each step, on the right track

Guidance:  Focus on each step, stead progress, learn the lessons as presented

Journal:

This was a great card to pull today as I'm being presented with so many lessons.  I'm learning to surf the energy so much more than I ever could before and I am truly learning to live in the present and not got all sucked into what might happen  For instance at work, I'm focusing on what I can do and what I can't.  I'm in a good space.

May 25, 2018

For me, this card applies not so much to technical skills but to emotional and spiritual skills.  I am learning that for me when I start wanting to pull away from my journaling and distract myself, I am facing something that is very uncomfortable for me.  Right now, I'm focusing on the push/pull of being alone.  I always thought that everyone felt empty and alone when they were not the center of attention, however, I'm starting to realize that most people are capable of maintaining their own sense of identity when they are alone.  That is hard for me to do.  I constantly am worried about what other people think about me instead of being concerned about what I think of me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am easily disposable and that I am empty inside if I do not produce or do great things for other people.  It feels as if there is no substance to me and that it is all about what I produce or do for other people.  It feels as if I don't matter.  And I can tell that I am getting close to a monumental truth because I have the urge to surf the internet, to go get ice cream, or to distract myself in some other way from facing the hard truths.

However, I also know that I need to be kind to myself and not yell at myself or punish myself for being afraid of facing and admitting how empty I feel inside.  I can tell that I am looking for someone else to fill me up because I'm searching my email for something from the tarot person I reached out to and from my shaman.  I want them to give me the answers and tell me that I am okay and that I am a good person

I'm also looking for S. to fill me up and tell me I'm okay and that he has not walked away from me and that he has just been busy.  I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and that is not a good spot for me to be in.  I need to take a deep breath and go within me to find out who I am and what I need to do.  I need to be appropriate and not beat myself up, but not distract myself either.

The person who gave birth to me, I don't even think I can call her a mother any more, profoundly screwed me up by teaching me that my life was all about other people and I am working really hard to reclaim myself and my own sense of belonging within my skin.

I have come so far on this quest to not need outside validation and to accept my own worthiness, but there are days when all the emptiness comes flooding back into my very soul.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to distract myself, especially with chores as sometimes the feeling of accomplishment helps me feel batter about myself.


Friday, October 21, 2016

Daily Draw: Ten of Swords

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn't that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what's going on in my world really doesn't matter.

The one thing about myself that I'm starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don't like me.  This is not a good way to live and I'm realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balaned

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Daily Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book:  Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance:  Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in

Journaling:

This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am.  I do have material things, but I'm also lonely.  This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in  my life, but I really want someone to share my life with.  Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with.  I'm fortunate to have the kids, but it's not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card.  She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate.  I don't want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life.  I'm realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing.  John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well.  I'm realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time.  I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims. 

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it.  He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs.  He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything. 

That's a big part of the reason that I'm afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else.  I'm really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Daily Draw: Six of Swords

First Impressions:  Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one's losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I've been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I've been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I'm ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don't know why I'm stuck in Chicago or what lessons I'm supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I'm realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Daily Draw: Judgement (R)


First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don't try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I'm realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don't care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018

I'm still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I'm also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I've gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I'm going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.


Monday, October 17, 2016

Daily Draw: Death (R)

First Impressions:  Slow Change

Book:  Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression

Guidance:  Let go and move on, work through the fear

Journaling

This card reflects where I've been lately.  I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on.  I don't know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what.  I know I still want X and I really don't want anyone else. It's also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time.  Even this week when I've been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.

May 25, 2018

One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in.  I no longer look at what I've written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself.  Instead, even if I didn't write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up. 

Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself.  That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a "negative" emotion, and always made it about other people.  I'm realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving.  I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me.  I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs. 

I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity.  It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic.  Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel.  I'm sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life.  Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing.  Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.

Even though it has been eight years since I've seen her and seven since I've talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off.  However, lately I've been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.

So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Daily Draw: Knight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Solid, Grounded

Book: I want the job done right, I better do it myself.  Good soldier, practical, purposeful, methodical, rational, resourceful

Guidance:  Ground yourself, focus on the day to day, take care of yourself

Journaling

I need this message today as I am battling something nasty and I am reminded to be practical and take care of myself and my surroundings.  I just need to focus on what needs to be done.  There is no need to get angry or upset.  I just need to be practical and grounded.

May 25, 2018

I truly love what I wrote here, even though it was not very much because it shows that I was all about taking care of myself and putting myself first.  I wasn't berating myself for being sick or saying that I had to do everything in in the world for everyone else.  I was kind and loving to myself and said that I mattered and that I needed to put myself first.

Wow!  That was huge for me as usually I am all about denying my own needs and putting everyone else's first.  I am so incredibly proud of me for writing that.  I love reading through my old journals as they show me that I am truly growing and changing and that I am being a better friend to myself and am getting so much better at taking care of me.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Cups

First Impressions:  Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I'm learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I'm feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I'm able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having "negative" emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That's not to say it isn't easy or that there are not days when I don't still beat myself up, but mostly I'm able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish.  However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head.  I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one's strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I'm not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.



Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn't what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I've chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I'm realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Daily Draw: Knight of Wands

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude

Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I'm very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don't know what I'm up against.  I feel as if I don't know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don't know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I've been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I've taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I've bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I'm not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Daily Draw: Hermit (R)

First Impressions:  Reserved, be outgoing, seek advice

Book:  Not heeding wise counsel, need for more spiritual development, greater introspection, petulant to elders

Guidance:  Get out of yourself, don't over analyze

Journaling

For me, the hermit reversed is about the need to be around people and engage in life instead of retreating.  One of the reasons work bothers me so much is it is difficult for me to make friends and have a social life  I'm realizing that I need friends in my life and people who love me.  The problem is that I don't know how to get form here to there.  Maybe it is not up to me to find the solution.  Maybe the path truly is to let go and maybe it will all work out.

May 12, 2018

I still don't have friends.  But I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places so maybe I will meet people.  I'm realizing that the problem is not only my crazy work schedule, but also the fact that I need downtime after being around people all the time.  It is very taxing for me to have to be on all the time.

Dearest ones,
Please help me find a solution

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Daily Draw: Magician (R)

Initial Impressions:  Out of my control, powerless

Book:  Ineffective communication, hidden motives, inability to manifest desires, lack of ideas and willpower, defeated, focus on self

Guidance:  Accept the limitations of your power

Journaling

This card is so appropriate as I have been feeling so powerless lately  I feel as if my life is not my own and as if I will never have the rich, full life I want.  It seems as if I am trapped working at a job I really don't like to pay the bills.  I am so flipping depressed as if feels that nothing I do moves the energy.  I'm really ready for my happily ever after.

Just trust.  It will all work out.  You just need to trust the energy and let it move.  You will be okay.


05/12/2018

 As I think back to where I was when I pulled this card, i realized that I was stuck and feeling like I wasn't able to move forward because I couldn't have the person that I wanted.  In the time since, I've realized that sometimes we need to let go of our dreams because there is something bigger and better waiting for us.

I've also learned that it is really important to know ourselves and be comfortable with ourselves.  I think I'm finally getting to that place where I can say that I love myself without feeling like I'm lying.  And that's a whole lot of progress.


Saturday, October 8, 2016

Hanson-Roberts Recap

Type of Spreads:  Daily Draws

Time Frame:  September 10, 2016 to October 8, 2016

Overall Rating:  😎😎😎😎😎

Theme:  This deck follows the RWS, but gives a fresher perspective.  I love the colors on the cards and I love that that the images are closer and more intimate.  It feels as if I can really study them and get to know them.  I also  love the colors on this deck.

Impressions:

I really enjoyed working with this deck.  It is a nice size to hold in my hand and I enjoy the artwork.  One of the things I learned from playing with this deck is that playing solitaire is a great way to get comfortable working with the cards.

Overall, I feel the cards truly took on my energy and they felt like an old friend when I picked them up.  I have to be honest and say that part of me wants to keep working with this deck, but I know that it is good to get familiar with all my decks.

Favorite Cards

Six of Pentacles
Hanson Roberts
My first experience with the six of pentacles was with the DruidCraft deck and that experience left me traumatized as for me that card showed a very poor may being asked to give more than he could afford.  However, as I've explored other decks and dug deeper into the tarot, I've realized that the card is not about giving more than you can afford, but about both giving and receiving with an open heart.  As a result, I've learned to appreciate the card overall.

What I like about this version of the six of pentacles is that he looks happy to share what he has.  He is giving with an open heart instead of giving from a place of gamesmanship or having to give to impress people.  I also love that he is measuring what he gives out and I take that to mean that he is only giving what he can afford to give.



Queen of Cups
Hanson Roberts
The Queen of Cups is always one of my favorite cards because in all the decks I have, she carries herself regally, but she is also very approachable.  That holds true in this deck as well as she looks like a woman who is enjoying her morning coffee.  Her air is a little bit messy and she's holding the cup with two hands just like someone who really needs her morning caffeine.

She's also looking deep into the cup as if she's doing a little bit of scrying while she's contemplating her coffee.  Overall she looks very balanced and sure of herself, but she also looks like someone I wouldn't mind getting to know ad hang out with.




Justice
Hanson Roberts

Justice is another beautiful woman who looks dedicated and ready to do business, but approachable.  She looks as if she is someone who will truly listen to both sides of the story.  Our lady justice is also fully engaged and ready to hear with all of her senses.  She is not blind to what is before her.

I get the sense that this is someone who will truly listen and find the heart of the matter versus just the cold black and white of the facts.  Whatever justice she dispenses will be fair and compassionate.




Queen of Rods
Hanson Roberts
I love all the sun energy in this card.  Rods are the cards of fire and some artists go for flame with their interpretations, but Hanson and Roberts went for the energy of the sun and it truly works.  The sun elements in this card include the solar cross on her necklace, the sunburst of her thrown, the sunflower she's holding, the yellow cat, and the lion.

I especially love the juxtopositon of the cat and the lion as that gives us both the fun and friendly feline energy and the fiercer energy of the cat's larger cousin.  Although this is not an Egyptian deck by any stretch of the imagination, this deck makes me think of Sekhemet  and Bast with all the solar energy.




Least Favorite Cards

Ace of Cups
Hanson Roberts

This card is beautiful and if I wasn't hung up on more traditional meanings to be found in the Tarot, I might actually like it.  I do love the clouds in the background and the cup kind of just hanging out on top of the water.  However, what I don't like is that the water falling from the sky seems to be missing the cup.  I don't get the sense of water overflowing the cup into the stream like I do in other cards. 

When I truly look at this card, it almost seems as if the card is being held aloft by the streams of water like a hot air balloon.  It is an interesting interpretation, but overall I really don't like it.




Eight of Rods
Hanson Roberts


I have to be honest and say that I never really like the eight of rods/wands as it seems to be a boring card.  However, there are some versions okay with because you don't know if the wands are going up or coming down.  In this version its pretty apparent they are coming down because in all of the rods, the blossoms have been shown pointing up.

This is just a boring card with very low energy and I truly get no sense of what is supposed to be happening in this card.





High Priestess
Hanson Roberts

I don't like this card at all because there is too much religious symbolism.  She is wearing a cross, she has the moon goddess symbol in her headdress, and the scroll may be Jewish.  It is just way too much and overwhelming.  I realize that the mixed symbolism also appears on other High Priestess cards, but I don't like it.

Even though I am not a Christian, what I like about the Christian Church is that they've chosen one mythology to follow.  They are not trying to be all things to all people like this High Priestess is.




HIerophant
Hanson Roberts

The Hierophant is one of those cards that I usually don't like, but that there are some decks that have a version I like.  This is not one of those decks.  I do not like this hierophant as he represents everything I believe is wrong with the Christian church.  He looks cruel and the two children are bowing before him.  It also looks as if he might be ready to strike them with his stick thingy.  

Additionally, he looks totally disengaged.  It doesn't appear as if he is connected at all with heaven or earth.  He just appears in his own little world.






Summary
Overall, I really like this deck and it is a deck that I will read with again.







Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword.  Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword.  The skin on her arms appears gray.  My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder.  Be slower to form opinions.  Sorry may have hardened your heart.  Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance:  Breathe.  Trust it will all work out.  Do not take things so seriously.  Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg  She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn't personal.  She's not trying to screw me or hurt me.  She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job.  I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done.  I can't come out and say you don't need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don't even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were.  I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave.  At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT.  And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn't.  It is also a reminder that all the shit I'm going through right now, probably won't matter in a year or so.  

Friday, October 7, 2016

Five of Swords

Five of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I've told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I'm not sure how else to say the work is done.  I'm just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone's arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017

It's interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I'm also realizing that it wasn't the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I'm much happier.  I'm being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he's doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn't right for me no matter how much I want him to be.


Thursday, October 6, 2016

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks.  There are boats in the background.  The boy has his eyes closed.  Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks.  This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book:  Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance:  Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don't lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on.  The message that I'm getting is that sometimes I'm juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of.  There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention.  One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway.  I've said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens.  There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I've gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren't worth my time and energy.  Worry is one ball that I've been working hard to let go of.  There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn't help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop.  I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens.  I've spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go.  That's a big part of the reason that I've been working to let go of Chicago.  Going back there keeps me entangled and that's not healthy for me.  What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John.  I really do hate him for what he's done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me.  He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is.  I just need to let go


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Four of Pentacles

Four of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work

Journaling:

I am so incredibly happy to be home.I'm still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn't push back.

I've learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I've gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I'm making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  There are apples and berries growing on the trees.  The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets.  There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right.  This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book:  Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance:  Draw on the energy of the earth.  Take time to enjoy friendships.

Journaling:

Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness.  It just hurts to think about people having friends  when I'm mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning.  I don't even know how to get where I want to be.  I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017

It's over a year later and I still don't have friends, but I'm realizing I crave my alone time and I'm not really ready to give that up to have friends.  I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice.  I was so hurt when I wasn't able to make the first session and I said that I couldn't go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I'm sorry.  I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy.  And now they're calling and saying, "we don't think you're interested, etc., etc."  Of course they're right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?




Sunday, October 2, 2016

Ace of Pentacles


Ace of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth.  The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset.  This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book:  New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance:  Be prepared to deal with minor stuff .  Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom.  Ground yourself.

Journaling

I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world.  My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I'm not sure how to fix it.  Okay, that's a lie.  I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise.  However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what's the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I'm alone.  I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with.  I also disagree with Scott's advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick.  Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I'm ready to let go and move on.  I just need to chart my course and execute.  If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that's not what I want.  I'm ready to have someone new in my life.  I will always love him, but I'm done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow!  I am impressed with myself.  I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I've worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect.  I've chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch.  I've chosen to not send emails.  I've chosen not to answer some emails.  In short, I've made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I've also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life.  I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That's something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Popular Posts