Saturday, October 8, 2016

Hanson-Roberts Recap

Type of Spreads:  Daily Draws

Time Frame:  September 10, 2016 to October 8, 2016

Overall Rating:  😎😎😎😎😎

Theme:  This deck follows the RWS, but gives a fresher perspective.  I love the colors on the cards and I love that that the images are closer and more intimate.  It feels as if I can really study them and get to know them.  I also  love the colors on this deck.


I really enjoyed working with this deck.  It is a nice size to hold in my hand and I enjoy the artwork.  One of the things I learned from playing with this deck is that playing solitaire is a great way to get comfortable working with the cards.

Overall, I feel the cards truly took on my energy and they felt like an old friend when I picked them up.  I have to be honest and say that part of me wants to keep working with this deck, but I know that it is good to get familiar with all my decks.

Favorite Cards

Six of Pentacles
Hanson Roberts
My first experience with the six of pentacles was with the DruidCraft deck and that experience left me traumatized as for me that card showed a very poor may being asked to give more than he could afford.  However, as I've explored other decks and dug deeper into the tarot, I've realized that the card is not about giving more than you can afford, but about both giving and receiving with an open heart.  As a result, I've learned to appreciate the card overall.

What I like about this version of the six of pentacles is that he looks happy to share what he has.  He is giving with an open heart instead of giving from a place of gamesmanship or having to give to impress people.  I also love that he is measuring what he gives out and I take that to mean that he is only giving what he can afford to give.

Queen of Cups
Hanson Roberts
The Queen of Cups is always one of my favorite cards because in all the decks I have, she carries herself regally, but she is also very approachable.  That holds true in this deck as well as she looks like a woman who is enjoying her morning coffee.  Her air is a little bit messy and she's holding the cup with two hands just like someone who really needs her morning caffeine.

She's also looking deep into the cup as if she's doing a little bit of scrying while she's contemplating her coffee.  Overall she looks very balanced and sure of herself, but she also looks like someone I wouldn't mind getting to know ad hang out with.

Hanson Roberts

Justice is another beautiful woman who looks dedicated and ready to do business, but approachable.  She looks as if she is someone who will truly listen to both sides of the story.  Our lady justice is also fully engaged and ready to hear with all of her senses.  She is not blind to what is before her.

I get the sense that this is someone who will truly listen and find the heart of the matter versus just the cold black and white of the facts.  Whatever justice she dispenses will be fair and compassionate.

Queen of Rods
Hanson Roberts
I love all the sun energy in this card.  Rods are the cards of fire and some artists go for flame with their interpretations, but Hanson and Roberts went for the energy of the sun and it truly works.  The sun elements in this card include the solar cross on her necklace, the sunburst of her thrown, the sunflower she's holding, the yellow cat, and the lion.

I especially love the juxtopositon of the cat and the lion as that gives us both the fun and friendly feline energy and the fiercer energy of the cat's larger cousin.  Although this is not an Egyptian deck by any stretch of the imagination, this deck makes me think of Sekhemet  and Bast with all the solar energy.

Least Favorite Cards

Ace of Cups
Hanson Roberts

This card is beautiful and if I wasn't hung up on more traditional meanings to be found in the Tarot, I might actually like it.  I do love the clouds in the background and the cup kind of just hanging out on top of the water.  However, what I don't like is that the water falling from the sky seems to be missing the cup.  I don't get the sense of water overflowing the cup into the stream like I do in other cards. 

When I truly look at this card, it almost seems as if the card is being held aloft by the streams of water like a hot air balloon.  It is an interesting interpretation, but overall I really don't like it.

Eight of Rods
Hanson Roberts

I have to be honest and say that I never really like the eight of rods/wands as it seems to be a boring card.  However, there are some versions okay with because you don't know if the wands are going up or coming down.  In this version its pretty apparent they are coming down because in all of the rods, the blossoms have been shown pointing up.

This is just a boring card with very low energy and I truly get no sense of what is supposed to be happening in this card.

High Priestess
Hanson Roberts

I don't like this card at all because there is too much religious symbolism.  She is wearing a cross, she has the moon goddess symbol in her headdress, and the scroll may be Jewish.  It is just way too much and overwhelming.  I realize that the mixed symbolism also appears on other High Priestess cards, but I don't like it.

Even though I am not a Christian, what I like about the Christian Church is that they've chosen one mythology to follow.  They are not trying to be all things to all people like this High Priestess is.

Hanson Roberts

The Hierophant is one of those cards that I usually don't like, but that there are some decks that have a version I like.  This is not one of those decks.  I do not like this hierophant as he represents everything I believe is wrong with the Christian church.  He looks cruel and the two children are bowing before him.  It also looks as if he might be ready to strike them with his stick thingy.  

Additionally, he looks totally disengaged.  It doesn't appear as if he is connected at all with heaven or earth.  He just appears in his own little world.

Overall, I really like this deck and it is a deck that I will read with again.

Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword.  Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword.  The skin on her arms appears gray.  My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder.  Be slower to form opinions.  Sorry may have hardened your heart.  Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance:  Breathe.  Trust it will all work out.  Do not take things so seriously.  Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.


I need to let go of my anger toward Meg  She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn't personal.  She's not trying to screw me or hurt me.  She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job.  I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done.  I can't come out and say you don't need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don't even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were.  I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave.  At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT.  And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn't.  It is also a reminder that all the shit I'm going through right now, probably won't matter in a year or so.  

Friday, October 7, 2016

Five of Swords

Five of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire


This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I've told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I'm not sure how else to say the work is done.  I'm just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone's arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017

It's interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I'm also realizing that it wasn't the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I'm much happier.  I'm being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he's doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn't right for me no matter how much I want him to be.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
First Impressions:  The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks.  There are boats in the background.  The boy has his eyes closed.  Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks.  This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book:  Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance:  Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don't lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.


Interesting card to pull and to meditate on.  The message that I'm getting is that sometimes I'm juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of.  There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention.  One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway.  I've said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens.  There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I've gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren't worth my time and energy.  Worry is one ball that I've been working hard to let go of.  There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn't help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop.  I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens.  I've spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go.  That's a big part of the reason that I've been working to let go of Chicago.  Going back there keeps me entangled and that's not healthy for me.  What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John.  I really do hate him for what he's done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me.  He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is.  I just need to let go

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Four of Pentacles

Four of Pentacles
First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work


I am so incredibly happy to be home.I'm still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn't push back.

I've learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I've gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I'm making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
First Impressions:  There are apples and berries growing on the trees.  The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets.  There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right.  This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book:  Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance:  Draw on the energy of the earth.  Take time to enjoy friendships.


Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness.  It just hurts to think about people having friends  when I'm mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning.  I don't even know how to get where I want to be.  I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017

It's over a year later and I still don't have friends, but I'm realizing I crave my alone time and I'm not really ready to give that up to have friends.  I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice.  I was so hurt when I wasn't able to make the first session and I said that I couldn't go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I'm sorry.  I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy.  And now they're calling and saying, "we don't think you're interested, etc., etc."  Of course they're right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Ace of Pentacles

Ace of Pentacles
First Impressions:  The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth.  The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset.  This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book:  New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance:  Be prepared to deal with minor stuff .  Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom.  Ground yourself.


I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world.  My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I'm not sure how to fix it.  Okay, that's a lie.  I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise.  However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what's the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I'm alone.  I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with.  I also disagree with Scott's advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick.  Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I'm ready to let go and move on.  I just need to chart my course and execute.  If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that's not what I want.  I'm ready to have someone new in my life.  I will always love him, but I'm done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow!  I am impressed with myself.  I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I've worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect.  I've chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch.  I've chosen to not send emails.  I've chosen not to answer some emails.  In short, I've made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I've also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life.  I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts
First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts


Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That's something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

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