Friday, October 14, 2016
Daily Draw: Ace of Swords (R)
Book: Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement
Guidance: Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head
I feel like nothing I do matters for me. Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me. We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week. All I want is to find love and be happy. I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me. I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.
Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with. I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me? Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough? I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me. I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.
Goddess, please guide me to my love.
May 24, 2018
I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself. There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely. However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways. That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish. However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing.
A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head. I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things. I deserve a car of my own. I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me. I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch. I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.
It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday. And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people. That is all so much BS. I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me. I am capable of doing all of those things by myself. That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.
The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me. But what she added on actually made me feel good. She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding. That made me feel good
Previous Blog | Master List | Next Blog Welcome to the Winter Solstice Blog Hop. This go round our wrangler, Joanne Sprott, asked us to ...
Previous | Master| Next For this Tarot Blog Hop our fearless Wrangler Arwen said, "Timing is a big thing in divination. There are ma...
Previous Post | Master Post | Next Post Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop. Our intrepid wrangler Jay Cassels and Co-wrangler Sharron Basa...
PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG Welcome to the Mabon Blog Hop. I'm super excited to be participating in this hop beca...
PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG For this Blog Hop, our wrangler Jay Cassels, to " Unleash your inner Gleek and stand on ...
Previous Blog | Master List | Next Blog The theme of this Blog Hop was taken from the title of the old Gene Autry song " Don't...
Previous | Master | Next The theme for our solstice Blog Hope is Gift and I chose to use it as a catalyst for the gift I plan to give ...
Previous | Master | Next Welcome to the Beltane Blog Hop. The topic for this Hop as provided by our intrepid wrangler Joy Vernon is C...
PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG For our Tarot Blog Hop this Samhain, I'd like to share my ritual to honor my Grandma Elda wh...
First Impressions: Bold, doing what needs to be done Book: Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, fr...