Monday, October 17, 2016
Daily Draw: Death (R)
Book: Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression
Guidance: Let go and move on, work through the fear
This card reflects where I've been lately. I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on. I don't know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what. I know I still want X and I really don't want anyone else. It's also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time. Even this week when I've been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.
May 25, 2018
One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in. I no longer look at what I've written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself. Instead, even if I didn't write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up.
Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself. That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a "negative" emotion, and always made it about other people. I'm realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving. I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me. I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs.
I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity. It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic. Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel. I'm sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life. Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing. Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.
Even though it has been eight years since I've seen her and seven since I've talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off. However, lately I've been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.
So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!
Previous Blog | Master List | Next Blog Introduction As the heat of the summer bears down upon us, our wrangler Jay Cassels gave us ...
PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG For our Tarot Blog Hop this Samhain, I'd like to share my ritual to honor my Grandma Elda wh...
Prior Blog | Master List | Next Blog For this Tarot Blog Hop, our fearless Wrangler Maureen Aisling Duffy-Boose asked us to contemplate t...
Type of Spreads: Daily Draws Time Frame: September 10, 2016 to October 8, 2016 Overall Rating: 😎😎😎😎😎 Theme: This deck f...
PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG Welcome to the Mabon Blog Hop. I'm super excited to be participating in this hop beca...
Previous | Master Link | Next Welcome to the Imbolc Blog Hop. Our fearless wrangler, Morgan Drake Eckstein, has tasked us to come up w...
First Impressions: Emotional control Book: Fortunate in your achievements, there are things in your life that give you satisfaction ...