Saturday, October 22, 2016

Daily Draw: Eight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Joy, Aloneness

Book:  Steady progress, training, manifestation, on going process of sowing and reaping, concentrate on each step, on the right track

Guidance:  Focus on each step, stead progress, learn the lessons as presented

Journal:

This was a great card to pull today as I'm being presented with so many lessons.  I'm learning to surf the energy so much more than I ever could before and I am truly learning to live in the present and not got all sucked into what might happen  For instance at work, I'm focusing on what I can do and what I can't.  I'm in a good space.

May 25, 2018

For me, this card applies not so much to technical skills but to emotional and spiritual skills.  I am learning that for me when I start wanting to pull away from my journaling and distract myself, I am facing something that is very uncomfortable for me.  Right now, I'm focusing on the push/pull of being alone.  I always thought that everyone felt empty and alone when they were not the center of attention, however, I'm starting to realize that most people are capable of maintaining their own sense of identity when they are alone.  That is hard for me to do.  I constantly am worried about what other people think about me instead of being concerned about what I think of me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am easily disposable and that I am empty inside if I do not produce or do great things for other people.  It feels as if there is no substance to me and that it is all about what I produce or do for other people.  It feels as if I don't matter.  And I can tell that I am getting close to a monumental truth because I have the urge to surf the internet, to go get ice cream, or to distract myself in some other way from facing the hard truths.

However, I also know that I need to be kind to myself and not yell at myself or punish myself for being afraid of facing and admitting how empty I feel inside.  I can tell that I am looking for someone else to fill me up because I'm searching my email for something from the tarot person I reached out to and from my shaman.  I want them to give me the answers and tell me that I am okay and that I am a good person

I'm also looking for S. to fill me up and tell me I'm okay and that he has not walked away from me and that he has just been busy.  I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and that is not a good spot for me to be in.  I need to take a deep breath and go within me to find out who I am and what I need to do.  I need to be appropriate and not beat myself up, but not distract myself either.

The person who gave birth to me, I don't even think I can call her a mother any more, profoundly screwed me up by teaching me that my life was all about other people and I am working really hard to reclaim myself and my own sense of belonging within my skin.

I have come so far on this quest to not need outside validation and to accept my own worthiness, but there are days when all the emptiness comes flooding back into my very soul.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to distract myself, especially with chores as sometimes the feeling of accomplishment helps me feel batter about myself.


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