Thursday, October 20, 2016

Daily Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book:  Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance:  Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in


This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am.  I do have material things, but I'm also lonely.  This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in  my life, but I really want someone to share my life with.  Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with.  I'm fortunate to have the kids, but it's not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card.  She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate.  I don't want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life.  I'm realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing.  John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well.  I'm realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time.  I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims. 

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it.  He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs.  He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything. 

That's a big part of the reason that I'm afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else.  I'm really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

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