Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I'm reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I'm closing myself off and shutting that door because I'm afraid.  I'm terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I've ever done.

Update 11/07/17
After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I'm finally ready to do that.  I'm embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Two of Wands

Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I'm not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.





Monday, November 28, 2016

The Moon (Reversed)

The Moon (Drawn Reversed)  Gilded Tarot
The Moon Reversed

Keywords:  Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance:  Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

Journaling

My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life.  Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don't know if anyone else will do.  I still honestly don't know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable.  Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It's a year later and I still haven't made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough.  I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone.  I'm realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they've broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I'm glad I've had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk.  There are days I'm lonely and really want to be with someone, but I'm also happy that I'm getting to know me.




Sunday, November 27, 2016

The World

The World from The Gilded Tarot
Key words/Impressions:  This card makes me think of an Olympic athlete standing on the medals stand having claimed victory.  It is a card of Success / Completion

Book Meaning:  Balance of conscious and unconscious, Being recognized yourself, completion and accomplishment, self realization

Guidance:  Be mindful, be more calm

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today as I get ready to send a letter to my mother explaining why I'm not talking to her.  In a way, this is the end to my childhood as it represents me truly standing up for myself.

Oddly enough, I didn't really feel a sense of completion after I sent the letter.  In fact, a part of me felt as if it was was cruel and as if things were better left unsaid.  I recognize that she will never recognize the validity of my point of view and she will just get defensive and fall back on her usual stance of "Well, I'm your mother."  There's also the likelihood that she will go on the attack.  It makes me sad when I realize that that's exactly how I used to behave.  I took everything as a personal attack, even if people were trying to help me.  I am so glad that I've learned a different way to act and that I'm helping my kids act differently.

I had such low self esteem that the slightest criticism made me get smaller and smaller until there were days I thought I would disappear.  If I had to pick one word to define myself during those days, I would choose fragile as that truly defined me.  I'm so much stronger now, but I still want and need people to have my back.  One of the things I long for is to have had a mother who had my back like I have my kids' backs.  I am there for them and I support them even when they make mistakes.

I've also realized that I don't really want a lot of friends as I'm comfortable being alone.  However, I also know the kids will move out someday and it would be nice to have other people in my life.

November 7, 2017

It's been almost a year since I wrote that letter and my mother never wrote me back or reached out.  It makes me so sad that she is so unaware that she cannot figure even open her mind to the possibility that she was wrong.  Over the past year, I've really realized that you cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped and who is unable to recognize their own flaws.


Popular Posts