Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot--Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I'm reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I'm closing myself off and shutting that door because I'm afraid.  I'm terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I've ever done.

Update 11/07/17
After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I'm finally ready to do that.  I'm embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Two of Wands

Gilded Tarot--Two of Wands
Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I'm not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I'm not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won't hurt me and I don't think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I'm comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I'm lonely, I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that's a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I'm going forward with complete trust.





Monday, November 28, 2016

The Moon (Reversed)

The Moon (Drawn Reversed)  Gilded Tarot
The Moon Reversed

Keywords:  Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance:  Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

Journaling

My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life.  Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don't know if anyone else will do.  I still honestly don't know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable.  Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It's a year later and I still haven't made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough.  I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone.  I'm realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they've broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I'm glad I've had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk.  There are days I'm lonely and really want to be with someone, but I'm also happy that I'm getting to know me.




Sunday, November 27, 2016

The World

The World from The Gilded Tarot
Key words/Impressions:  This card makes me think of an Olympic athlete standing on the medals stand having claimed victory.  It is a card of Success / Completion

Book Meaning:  Balance of conscious and unconscious, Being recognized yourself, completion and accomplishment, self realization

Guidance:  Be mindful, be more calm

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today as I get ready to send a letter to my mother explaining why I'm not talking to her.  In a way, this is the end to my childhood as it represents me truly standing up for myself.

Oddly enough, I didn't really feel a sense of completion after I sent the letter.  In fact, a part of me felt as if it was was cruel and as if things were better left unsaid.  I recognize that she will never recognize the validity of my point of view and she will just get defensive and fall back on her usual stance of "Well, I'm your mother."  There's also the likelihood that she will go on the attack.  It makes me sad when I realize that that's exactly how I used to behave.  I took everything as a personal attack, even if people were trying to help me.  I am so glad that I've learned a different way to act and that I'm helping my kids act differently.

I had such low self esteem that the slightest criticism made me get smaller and smaller until there were days I thought I would disappear.  If I had to pick one word to define myself during those days, I would choose fragile as that truly defined me.  I'm so much stronger now, but I still want and need people to have my back.  One of the things I long for is to have had a mother who had my back like I have my kids' backs.  I am there for them and I support them even when they make mistakes.

I've also realized that I don't really want a lot of friends as I'm comfortable being alone.  However, I also know the kids will move out someday and it would be nice to have other people in my life.

November 7, 2017

It's been almost a year since I wrote that letter and my mother never wrote me back or reached out.  It makes me so sad that she is so unaware that she cannot figure even open her mind to the possibility that she was wrong.  Over the past year, I've really realized that you cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped and who is unable to recognize their own flaws.


Saturday, November 12, 2016

Daily Draw: Five of Cups(R)

First impressions:  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds

Journaling

There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It's been almost two years since I wrote this and I'm not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I've realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I've come to value myself so much in the last few years and I've learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I've learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what's not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

Monday, November 7, 2016

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First impressions:  Contemplation

Book:  Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance:  Ask for help, be open to change

Journaling

This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up.  I have to be honest and say I feel that way today.  After my mother's guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter.  But I can't go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn't even mature enough to accept that she's doing it.  I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down.  However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive.  She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health.  However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that.  She doesn't have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life.  And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Grounded mature, financially responsible

Book:  Strong, self contained, confidence, creating a life filled with beauty

Guidance:  Maintain the joy in creativity, be wise and not just frugal

Journaling

What an auspicious card to draw on my birthday.  The Queen of Pentacles is grounded and mature and who I want to be in my life.  I'm making progress, but I have to work on my body.  That is the one area where I feel I don't have control.  I am so addicted to sugar.  I just eat it without even thinking.  I believe it is because my life is not sweet and I eat sugar to compensate.

September 1, 2018

I am finally taking definitive action on my sugar addiction.  I've started tracking my food diligently and although I am totally feeling horrible today, I know that it will get better.  I also have been working hard to treat myself with more compassion and that's hard because I am so used to beating myself up and being unkind.  It is a journey, but a journey that is important and worth taking.

Note to Myself on my Birthday

I can't believe that I'm 50!  When I was younger I thought 50 was so old, but I'm realizing that it's not that old at all.  In a lot of ways I feel like a better version of myself at 30.  I'm smarter and much more grounded than I was at 50.  I also value myself more than I did when I was younger. 

I'm starting to fill my head with good thought instead of all the negative junk that John filled my head with.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisiveness, clarity

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance:  Curb your words and speak with kindness

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes:  "This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I've been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I'm also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I'm not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I'm seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We're supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.


Friday, November 4, 2016

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Focus on love and emotional ties over vanity and status

Book:  Emotional loss, loss of belongings, home life is not fulfilling, no sense of fulfillment

Guidance:  Focus on love, be open

Journaling

This was a good reminder that it isn't all about money.  it is important to focus on emotional fulfillment as well as financial fulfillment.  I think we did that by going out to dinner and having a nice evening out.  The carriage ride was the icing on the cake and it was awesome to learn about our city from someone who really gets it.

May 27, 2018

I'm realizing that like with all things there needs to be a balance between money and emotions.  I always thought that John and I were happy, but I'm realizing that being poor kept us together.  We were both so worried about being broke, that it was easier to stay together than to contemplate being single and broke.  The house was what truly broke us apart because we really could not afford it and it exposed all of the cracks in our relationship.

Interestingly enough, I'm making so much more money now and I feel so much more secure than I did when I had to rely on John to pay his half of the bills.  He was never very reliable and deep down inside I knew it, but I kept lying to myself about his reliability and I kept believing his lies.  I remember when we were really struggling and he kept refusing to get a job.  Or when he had a job and he quit because he didn't like it and didn't do anything to get a new one.

Looking back, I realize that he was suffering anxiety and depression then, but he refused to admit it.  He was so much better at self medicating than facing his problems and doing what needed to be done.  Even though I know that he was depressed and struggling, it is still hard for me to feel compassion for him because he chose not to do the right thing and he chose to make us all pay for his depression. 

There is a part of me that feels like I will never trust anyone again because I am afraid of being taken advantage of, but that is not a good way to live.  I need to accept that I am stronger now and I am in a much better place than  I was eight years ago.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Daily Draw: Page of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Excitement for new projects

Book:  Wanting to make a difference, pragmatic, results oriented, excited about learning

Guidance:  Stay focused

Journaling

This was a great card to receive today as I needed the reminder that I do have what it takes to achieve what I want.  I just need to stay focused and do the work.  It's harder to apply the skills I use in the work world to love, but I'm getting there.

I do know that I need to spend the next year focused on my body.

May 27, 2018

I haven't done such a good job focusing on my body and I really do need to take a step back and figure out what my poor neglected body needs to do to thrive.  A lot of it has to do with taking the time to eat healthy food and to let go of my addiction to sugar.  I'm realizing that the sugar addiction is the same as the alcohol addiction when I was younger.  I crave soda and I have rituals around it.  I need to go back to the first step and admit that I am powerless over sugar and that my life around it has become uncontrollable.  I need to focus on finding healthy solutions, eating more fruit, and really letting go of my addiction to the hard stuff (i.e. sugar).  This is day two without soda and I'm not feeling too badly.  I also bought some caffeine patches which I hope will help me.

Daily Draw: Knight of Cups (R)

First Impressions:  Closed off emotionally

Book:  Dashed romantic hopes, halting a courtship, looking at things objectively, negative reaction to increased demands of the world

Guidance:  Don't let your dreams delude you, maintain your emotional balance, avoid extremes

May 27, 2018

I didn't journal about this card, but this was right before my 50th birthday and I was feeling closed off and as if nothing I did mattered.  One of the things that I have realized over the last few years is the need to be emotionally open and to let people in.  That is really hard for me as I am not good about making friends and I don't let people in easily. Maybe the lesson for me right now is that it is okay that I don't let people in and that I need to stop beating myself up and trying so hard.  It's okay that I'm not as open as other people.  Everything about me is okay and I am okay.

I just need to let my life unfold and to do the best I can.  If I continue to work hard on who I am and I am kind to myself, life will flow better.  The problem is that my shame becomes a vicious circle as I feel shame so I don't feel like reaching out to others, then I feel closed off, then I feel shame.  I think the first step in this process might not be to let people in.  Maybe the first step in the process is to be kind to myself.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Not being open, feeling needy, not connected to the earth

Book:  Feeling uprooted and off center, withholding hospitality, consumed by work, becoming a homebody, shutting out family and friends

Guidance:  Find balance, let go of worry, trust your instincts

Journaling

This represents where I'm at today as I'm feeling out of sorts and out of balance  It feels as if I am spending all my time working and don't have time to have a relationship.  I feel depleted and as if I am overwhelmed at work.

I know I have to actually make the effort to change things and meet people and create the balance I deserve.  I'm just not 100 percent sure how to do that.

May 27, 2018

I'm not exactly sure where I'm at on this today.  I'm not even sure if I want to meet people or if that is pressure from other people talking.  Most of the time, I'm actually pretty fine with where my life is and I'm really learning to let go of the need to follow everyone else's drum beat.  I mostly like being my own person and having time for me.  There are days I'm not even sure I want a relationship because it is nice to be my own person and not have to share decision making.  I can be selfish and make the right decisions for me without having to take someone else's opinion into account.  That is kind of a nice place to be.

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