Sunday, November 13, 2016

Daily Draw: Tower (Reversed)

First Impressions:  Maintaining old ways, more subtle loss

Book:  Tower as worldview, oppression and cataclysm, relying on false impressions, misrepresentation by others, the seeker will succeed, too much openness, can be damage

Guidance:  Let the truth be illuminated, seeing the delusions in the ruins

Journaling:

I don't how to read this card.  The cynical part of me rads it as shattering of illusions and of course i take that to mean letting go of X.  It's really easy for me to get down on myself and ask why anyone would want to be with me anyway.  It's really easy to feel hopeless today.  I'm in a flipping hotel room alone.  I've also started to admit to myself that i really don't want friends, I want love.

July 6, 2019

Hindsight is always 20/20 and in hindsight I know that I never wanted friends and always wanted love.  That's because I didn't believe that I was strong enough, smart enough, or anything enough to be by myself.  I needed someone to make me whole, but I've learned that I don't need anyone to make me whole.  I am a complete person all by myself.  I'm at the point now where I want someone to date and to go out and hangout with.  I'm not really sure I want anything more serious than that because I kind of like being my own person.  I like being able to paint my bathroom pink, then change my mind and decide I want it gray.  I like being able to decide I'm going to North Carolina for a convention without having to ask anyone.  I do have to coordinate around the dogs, but I don't have to deal with someone being emo because I'm doing something for myself.

The delusion was that I needed him or that I wasn't whole and complete onto myself.  I am whole and complete unto myself and while I like having other people in my life and there are times I need other people to help me, but don't need to be dependent on anyone.  I think I'm learning the difference between interdependence and dependence and co-dependence.  Interdependence means I need and rely on other people for things and I take their needs into account, but I don't always make their needs secondary to mine.  I weight their needs and mine and make a conscious decision and that is significantly different thank making someone else more important than me.


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