Sunday, November 27, 2016

The World

The World from The Gilded Tarot
Key words/Impressions:  This card makes me think of an Olympic athlete standing on the medals stand having claimed victory.  It is a card of Success / Completion

Book Meaning:  Balance of conscious and unconscious, Being recognized yourself, completion and accomplishment, self realization

Guidance:  Be mindful, be more calm

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today as I get ready to send a letter to my mother explaining why I'm not talking to her.  In a way, this is the end to my childhood as it represents me truly standing up for myself.

Oddly enough, I didn't really feel a sense of completion after I sent the letter.  In fact, a part of me felt as if it was was cruel and as if things were better left unsaid.  I recognize that she will never recognize the validity of my point of view and she will just get defensive and fall back on her usual stance of "Well, I'm your mother."  There's also the likelihood that she will go on the attack.  It makes me sad when I realize that that's exactly how I used to behave.  I took everything as a personal attack, even if people were trying to help me.  I am so glad that I've learned a different way to act and that I'm helping my kids act differently.

I had such low self esteem that the slightest criticism made me get smaller and smaller until there were days I thought I would disappear.  If I had to pick one word to define myself during those days, I would choose fragile as that truly defined me.  I'm so much stronger now, but I still want and need people to have my back.  One of the things I long for is to have had a mother who had my back like I have my kids' backs.  I am there for them and I support them even when they make mistakes.

I've also realized that I don't really want a lot of friends as I'm comfortable being alone.  However, I also know the kids will move out someday and it would be nice to have other people in my life.

November 7, 2017

It's been almost a year since I wrote that letter and my mother never wrote me back or reached out.  It makes me so sad that she is so unaware that she cannot figure even open her mind to the possibility that she was wrong.  Over the past year, I've really realized that you cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped and who is unable to recognize their own flaws.


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