Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.

Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.

Journaling

This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I'm feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I'm tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn't want.  

I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.

That's what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I've finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  

Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I'm strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts