Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Daily Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Change, letting go of things

Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death.  Death of the ego.  Ending of all kinds, letting go

Guidance:  Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure

Journaling

I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she's not.  I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change.  She can't be the mother than I need or want her to be.  That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.

The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I'm in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.

July 1, 2018

Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing.  Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother.  Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching.  I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me.  I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.

I don't like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule.  However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it's my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can.  This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can.  It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk.  She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.

Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be.  I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative.  My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I'm struggling with the entire situation.

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