Thursday, December 15, 2016
Daily Draw: Nine of Wands
Book: Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn. Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor
Guidance: Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns
I know I'm right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl. I can't do that. I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.
The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change. She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way. One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing. It is not that I am leaving her. I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow. She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.
July 1, 2018
Although I'm not proud of my behavior the last few days and I've had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I'm working to make amends and repair my relationships. I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn't liking what I was seeing in the mirror.
Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better. I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.
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