|Four of Fire|
Dark Goddess Tarot
Book: Family, ancestors, and gods meet at the hearth; heart is a portal; ancestors live in the home fire; judge of domestic affairs
Guidance: Scry using fire to receive messages from gods or ancestors, clean and smudge your house, acknowledge the gift of life you've received from your ancestors, do not pollute your future through poor behavior in the future
There are so many messages in this card. I love the message of honoring the gift of the ancestors even if you can't honor them. The ancestors did give me gifts that I cherish. I am strong and independent because of my Grandmother Babcock. When I work to connect with her, I find someone who was trapped by the circumstances she grew up with. she was poor and had few opportunities. I also knew that she was mentally ill and did not get the help she truly needed. It's difficult to function when you have an untreated mental illness.
I also know how easy it is to become angry and mean when your emotional needs aren't being met. In some ways, John deciding to leave was a gift because I was becoming incredibly angry and bitter. I felt as if I just gave and gave and gave and that I got nothing in return.. I still don't feel as if I get a lot of emotional support from others, but I also don't feel as if my emotional energy is being completely drained.
January 8, 2018
As I meditation on this card, the words that keep coming to mind are compassion, death, and perspective. I need to learn to have compassion for myself and for others. I'm being guided especially to have compassion for my mother. I am still upset by the fact that I perceive her as choosing not to change, but what if she really can't choose to change? Would I be judging her so harshly if she wasn't able to walk as fast as I can because she was handicapped? I also have to remember that I've struggled to change even though I knew that changing was in my best interest. I'm sure that there are people who think I was stubborn or was choosing not to change.
It's funny, as I was talking to someone from work today who exhibits a lot of the behavior that I used to exhibit: being stubborn, taking everything personally, etc. I was able to just listen to him without judging or taking any of it personally. Maybe that's what I need to do with my mother. Maybe I just need to realize that even though it feels personal, it isn't personal. Maybe she truly is incapable of changing.
I also need to have compassion for myself and accept that her behavior hurts me and that I did the most compassionate thing that I could when I walked away.