Friday, November 24, 2017

Ritual to Honor My Father

My father died the day after Thanksgiving in 2008.  I'd known it was coming as he had lung cancer that had metastasized through his body.  I was living 200 miles away and traveling even farther away for work every single week.  I made the trek to visit him as often as I could, but it never felt like enough.  I knew the end was coming when I visited him and he was a shell of the robust, loving man who had raised me.  This was also the start of a devastating period of changes in which I could only react and had no time to mourn.

The call that he was gone was devastating, but not shocking as I knew the call would be coming sooner rather than later.  However, there was no time for my own sadness as I had to drive the 200 miles through teary eyes to help my mother deal with her grief as she'd lost her mother less than a week before.  I had to become the supportive daughter and not allow myself to be the grieving child.

I was strong for my mother, I was strong for my children, and I was strong for my now ex-husband.  I was the one who provided the shoulder to cry on, who prevented my mother from buying a junky used car the day after my daddy died, and I was the one who gave the eulogy at my father's funeral.  I was also the one in the year after my daddy's death that counseled my mother, loaned her the money to bury my father, and was there for everyone else.  I never let myself mourn because there was no time.

Fast forward a little over a year and I got another call that rocked my world, my husband had had a massive coranary and I needed to be at the hospital immediately.  Once again, I was the one who dealt with the details. shored everyone up and never let anyone see my tears.  I sat by his side, cheered him up, bathed him, and did whatever else needed to be done. 

My payment for the days spent by his side was his pronouncement four months after his heart attack was that he wanted a divorce.  I was hurt, I was angry, I fell apart, but all too soon I had to pull myself together and be strong for my kids.  I had to figure out how to keep them in college, get them settled in off campus housing, and deal with all the other realities of life.

It was ten years before I finally felt strong enough to mourn my father.  I cried for my loss, I cried for my children's loss and I started to remember the good as well as the bad.  My family has always done ritual on Halloween and remembered our beloved dead, but I was ready to go deeper and to truly grieve and comfort the lost little girl inside.  Around that time, I came across Lisa de St. Croix's Ancestor Workshop and it resonated with me. 

I took some time to gather mementos and photos of my father, I meditated on his life and our relationship, and I found the cards that represented both him and me according to Lisa's advice and I found cards I wanted to use to meditate on.  It was a little weird because my dad's card was the lovers and that felt really uncomfortable.  I finally pulled the lovers from the Animal Totem Tarot and I used the Hermit from the Druid Craft Tarot for my birth card. 

As I reflected on the cards, the assignment was to write a message to my dad from the Hermit's perspective and to me from my dad from the Lover's perspective.

The Message from Me From My Dad

You are too much of a hermit and you withdraw too much.  You need to let people in.  People will disappoint you, but they will also bring you great joy.  Love is a choice!  Choose to open your heart and let people in.  You deserve Love!  Choose it.

My response as the Hermit

The world is too painful of a place to open my heart.  I'm much more comfortable in my own company.  Choosing love is scary.  However, I know I've already chosen love with my kids.  Loving Cam and Sean brings pure joy along with the heartache and I remember that, I remember love is worth it.

Interestingly enough, since I did this ritual, I have been seeing and finding turtles everywhere.  Turtle was my dad's nickname and when I find those turtles, I'm reminded that he is looking out for me and that love never truly dies.


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Daily Draw; Knight of Cups

First Impressions:  Exploring emotions

Book:  Knight is dreamy and romantic, not up for fighting, more for loving

Guidance:  You are feeling very romantic, celebrating the beautiful and sensual is as important as other experiences.  Don't let romantic ideals take you away from your center

Journaling

I'm not sure what the meaning is of not letting dreams take you away from your path.  Does that I should accept a life of drudgery that is all about everyone else?  Does that mean I'm supposed to accept a loveless existence?  That is totally unacceptable to me and I refuse to believe that I don't deserve love.  I am a beautiful, kind, and loving person and I deserve happiness in my life.  I deserve to be loved and adored.

November 9, 2018

It is almost a year later and I still feel trapped in drudgery.  It is so hard to make a life of my own choosing when I have so many bills to pay and feel responsible for other people.  I don't know how to find my way out of this situation.


Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don't do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I've healed, I've receded into myself.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I'm not a recluse and it is not as if I've been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I'm standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I'm not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess' hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don't make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It's so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I'm really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.






Monday, November 20, 2017

Daily Draw: Two of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition,  battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance:  You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn't there, won't make it go away

Journaling

I've made my decision.  I'm going to manifest a relationship with X.  I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I'm ready to move forward.  Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen.  No more wimpy magick that says or something better.  There is no something better.  He is who I want and that's that.  And I'm not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I'm going for it.

November 25, 2017

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I'm ready.  I've been working on letting go of all the excuses I've come up with for it not working and I'm done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018

I'm realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen.  I'm realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked.  While he lives in my work world, he doesn't live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn't work.  I've realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem.  Now that I am truly valuing myself,  I'm realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn't work. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Daily Draw: Page of Cups

First Impressions:  Emotionally Immature

Book:  Posture of ease, superiority, and defiance, there may be apprehension under the confident mask

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything, realize you haven't considered everything

Journaling

This was me 29 years ago.  I was so sure that love would and could conquer everything.  I found out that wasn't the case and that sometimes love really is not enough.  What I also learned is that love has to be two sided and that both people have to be invested in a relationship for it to work.  Both of us were not invested in our relationship so it had no way of working.

November 20, 2017

He emailed me this morning and suggested it would be a great time to market Whisper Alley.  However, I know that what he really meant was that I could do all the work and he could claim part of the glory.  I'm not up for that.  I will never again form any kind of partnership with him because it is never really a partnership.  He is intrinsically a taker and I do not need that in my life.  I need people in my life who understand that a partnership means a partnership.

November 8, 2018

This is an interesting card today as one of the themes I am exploring for the next year is the concept of vulnerability and being vulnerable with myself and with others.  I'm realizing that I truly need to set boundaries around my space and I need to let other people in and let them help me.  I'm not very good at those things, but I'm realizing that I truly need to follow that path if I want to have a happy life.


Saturday, November 18, 2017

Daily Draw: Magician

First Impressions:  Make things happen

Book:  Serious person, fully aware of the laws of cause and effect

Guidance:  Learning to control your will to accomplish what you want, message of discipline and responsibility, be aware of controlling and manipulating

Journaling

I love the reminder that I can create what I want in my life.  I am also reminded of the old adage that with great power comes great responsibility.  There have been so many cases lately of powerful people brought down because they thought they were above the law.  However power can also be used to positively impact the world. 

I also take this card as a reminder to believe in the power of magick and the universe!  There are forces in the world that we cannot understand and being in touch with them can help us better understand the world around us.

November 20, 2017

I needed this reminder to reconnect with magick.  The past week has been really rough as I was juggling multiple projects and multiple roles.  I sometimes feel like there isn't enough time to get the work done, which means I don't have time for me.  I need to do a better job of making time for me.

November 8, 2018

Interesting as I pulled this card this evening as well.  This is a card that reminds me I hold the keys to my own fate.  I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to own my life.  I'm realizing that I need to start setting some serious boundaries around work or I will let myself get consumed.  I'm not sure yet what all of those boundaries are, but I do know that I will never take another red eye flight again.  They totally mess with my body and I am out of commission for a few days after ward.  I already have the rule of no early morning flights for the same reason.  Not sure what the rest of my personal rules are, but I'm working on that list.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I'm going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I'm finally at that place where I'm ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I'm finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Daily Draw: Five of Swords

First Impressions:  Gloating

Book:  Warrior stands victorious, Cost of Winning was not worth it

Guidance:  Determine what was lost and what was gained.  Was it worth it?  More conciliatory approach

Journaling

Interesting reading on this card.  For me this read is about winning at all costs.  I love to be right and it sometimes leads me down bad path.  My gloating over losing Hood because we chose not to include OCM in the proposal was not good.  I need to accept that the person who chose that was an idiot.

November 20, 2017

It's nice to be able to remind myself to take a step back.  I've become so much better at self regulation.

October 30, 2018

This is still something that I need to work on.  I've realized that one of the things I really need to work on is letting go of both winning and losing.  Gloating isn't good, but moping when I lose isn't good either.  I think that kids who participate in sports have an easier time of this because you need to shake it off and move to the next thing.  I was thinking about this when I was watching a hockey game with the kids.  If the other team gets a goal, you can't sit and mope over it.  You have to shake it off or you will never recover.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Daily Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions:  Chance

Book: Sun=Mind, we can view things as we like

Guidance: We need to remember that life is a full cycle, if we are centered, we are not at wheel's mercy, do not neglect responsibilities

Journaling

I usually like the readings in this book, but I do not like this one.  I don't believe it is true that for every event we can view it as a blessing or tragic.  Some events are tragic and wrong no matter what.  What happened to my daughter was tragic and wrong and there is no blessing there.  She may learn from it and belssings may occur because of it, but that does not mean the event was a blessing.  Everythig is also not a choice.  Yes she placed herself in that situation, but his choices led to the situation.

November 20, 2017

I have to step back over my rage on this one and do a reset.  I know this card is about the ups and downs in life and there are times in life where life is going good and life is awesome and other times when life sucks.  The key is to remember that this too shall pass.  If things are going well, it will pass and if things are going poorly it will pass.

October 30, 2018

The wheel of fortune is still not my favorite card because I don't like the fact that there are things that are outside of my control.  However, I know that this is true and I also do realize that the closer I stay to center, the less I will be buffeted by the turning of the wheel.




Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Daily Draw: Nine of Cups

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance


Guidance:  Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card.  I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference.  I love to hide away and have my alone time.  I recharge when I am alone.  I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out.  I don't know yet where that balance is.  Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought.  My daughter calls it emotional labor and she's right.  I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life.  It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated.  I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated.  However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I'm doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I've realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself.  There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7.   John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people.  I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people.  I think I'm finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else's.  That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others.  I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery.  I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies.  I think I'm starting to make progress on this front.  It's hard, but I'm getting there.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Daily Draw: Ten of Wands

First Impressions:  Taking on burdens that are not ours

Book:  Almost finished with arduous task, light at the end of the tunnel inspires you

Guidance:  Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you started, do not stop too soon

Journaling

This card is a reminder to me to not take other people's burdens on.  I'm really bad about taking burdens on that are not mine to bear.  I'm especially bad at taking on my daughter's burdens.  That poor kid has so much to bear.  I need to help, but I also need to let her blossom into the strong and independent person that she is.

Please dearest ones, hold her in your arms and help her.  Help her to know she is always loved.

November 20, 2017

I need to let go and let other's find their own way.

October 30, 2018

I am still really bad about taking on things that are not mine.  Like the other day I was looking on job sites for jobs for my daughter.  She is 26 years old, she is perfectly capable of looking for jobs herself.  I also need to stop cleaning up after everyone even though in some ways it is easier to just do it than to complain to people.  The problem is that when I do just break down and clean up after people, I end up being resentful and unhappy.  I need to find a middle way that marries my own peace of mind with holding people accountable.


Sunday, November 12, 2017

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions:  Heart Connection

Book:  Union creating a unique energy that is mystical and special, uniting opposing qualities

Guidance:  Faced with opportunity to partner with someone, honor the gift of the moment and enjoy it, enjoy the magic, do not let it engulf you

Journaling

The truth of the matter is that it is actually not unusual for my daughter to not answer the phone.  She rarely has the ringer on so it is always hit or miss whether she will answer.  I really just need to let go and trust that she's being held and is okay.  I know she needs rest but it's really hard not being home.  Sean will be there this afternoon, so all we can do is wait.

October 27, 2018

On the surface, this does not sound like I am addressing the card, but at the moment I was so overwhelmed and scared because Cam had gone incommunicado.  However, this is about heart connection.  Cam and Sean are my heart and it hurts when I am afraid for them.  The good thing is that she was perfectly fine and was just sleeping late.



Saturday, November 11, 2017

Daily Draw: The Moon

First Impressions:  Intuition

Book:  Beautiful, inspiring orb, releasing carnal instincts.  Moon Goddess shows us our best dreams and worst nightmares

Guidance:  Pay attention to your dreams and intuition, face your fears, attend to your soul

Journaling:

I like this card because it tells me to listen to what my soul is saying, but to not get led off course by my nightmares.  My intuition is telling me that my daughter will be okay and she will be stronger because of it.  I have to let go and quit smothering her.  She is strong and capable and I need to trust that her meds are working and she is going to be okay.  She is telling me they are going to be okay and I need to listen to them.

November 20, 2017

So far she is doing okay.  Getting Clark has helped tremendously.

October 27, 2018

My daughter is actually doing very well.  She has some anxiety and is nervous about what's going to happen with court, but she is doing much better than I think I would have been doing.  Clark has truly helped her more than anything else I could have thought of.  She dotes on that dog and he is her little shadow.  I'm so glad that she has him and that he is there for her no matter what.  I knew that getting a dog would help, because Luke is what really saved my life after my divorce.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Daily Draw: Page of Cups

First Impressions:  Emotional fluidity

Book:  Facing a moment of truth, convinced he knows best, feeling a little apprehensive

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything and ignoring advice.  Realize you don't know everything

Journaling

I love the guidance to listen and not assume that I know everything.  That's valuable advice.  I know I don't know everything when it comes to emotions and I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation and look at things from multiple angles.  Emotions are never as simple as A+B=C and I trip myself up when I assume they are. 

November 20, 2017

I need to love who I am.

October 27, 2018

This card is so real and meaningful for me.  I am really bad about this when it comes to assessing, assuming how other people are behaving.  I ALWAYS make it all about me and the truth of the matter is that it is rarely all about me.  Most of the time, people have other things going on in their life that don't involve me at all.  I need to learn to just let go and trust that things will work out instead of assuming that they are not going to work out.  That is not helpful for me.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Daily Draw; Three of Swords

First impressions:  Heartbreak

Book:  Heartbreak, very dramatically and tragically expressed, ego is centered on emotional distress

Guidance:  Remove the focus from your emotions, proper perspective allows more clarity, empress can help with healing

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it is a reminder to put things into perspective.  I tend to blow things out of perspective and make it seem as if I am the only person in the world to be hurt and that is not true.  Every person on the planet goes through heartbreak and pain.  It is not the tragedy we face that defines us as much as it is our reaction to it.  We can choose to curl up in a ball and wither away or we can choose to become hard.  Or we can choose to heal and grow.  Just like I love old furniture for its scars and patina, I need to embrace my own scars and imperfections.  I've led an interesting and varied life and I need to embrace that. 

I'm struggling right now as to how I can be there for my daughter as she is alternating between defiant and sad.  I guess I just have to let go and be there for her.  She needs a support system and not a jailer.

November 20, 2017

Interesting read as I am working on accepting myself and who I am in my own life.  I am not berating myself for clothing sizes, but choosing to love who I am.

October 27, 2018

Over the past year, I really have realized that loving myself and valuing my body is the key to losing weight.  I am actually motivated to take care of myself and to stop drinking coke.  It is really hard, but I know that I am starting to feel better since I'm no longer sucking down four cokes a day.  The pounds have not really started coming off yet, but I do know that I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Daily Draw: King of Cups

First Impressions:  Emotional control

Book:  Fortunate in your achievements, there are things in your life that give you satisfaction

Guidance:  Be aware of focusing on what you don't have, nurture your emotions

Journaling

I needed this reminder today to focus on what I have instead of what is missing from my life.  I am so blessed that we found my daughter last night, but I really want to hurt the guy who raped her.  However, she isn't dead and that is a blessing.  I was so terrified last night.  I felt like I aged 100 years in the 30 minutes she wasn't answering her phone.

I know that we saved her life by his knowing we were coming.  I have to admit that I am so angry and sad today.  I'm  angry that she gave a stranger a ride, I'm sad that she was hurt, and I'm so angry at him.  However, the overwhelming feeling today is gratitude that she is alive.  I'm grateful that she knows she can call me at any time and that she did.  It could have been so much worse, if the rapist hadn't known that she had people who loved her and were looking for her.

October 27, 2018

It has been a year and I still want him dead.  The case is slowly winding its way through the court system, but as the anniversary comes up, she is getting really anxious and angry and sad.   The worst part is that I will not be here for her.  However, we will figure out a plan so that she feels supported and knows that she is loved.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU's stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, "Hope your daughter is okay."  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I'm sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don't want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn't that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I'm getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.


Monday, November 6, 2017

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions:  Being sneaky

Book:  Actions have consequences

Guidance:  Review your plan and reconsider if it seems fool hardy

Journaling

I'm not sure that I agree that the actions of this gentleman were foolhardy.  Sometimes we have to take bold actions and break the rules.  I think this card is also a reminder that there are consequences, but that sometimes the consequences are worth it.

November 20, 2017
There are consequences, but sometimes the sneaky acts that are seen as deceptive are worth it.  How do we know that he the people he is "stealing" from, did not take something from him first.

October 26, 2018

My understanding of this card has continued to evolve and I still view it as taking back something that was taken from us.  There are times in life when we have to reclaim what is ours and there are times when we cannot make a full frontal attack, but we need to be sneaking and deceptive because the person holding it does not want to give it back to us.


Sunday, November 5, 2017

Daily Draw: The Chariot

First Impressions:  Moving forward, forward momentum

Book:  Card of victory, immense power and focus of the woman's mind

Guidance:  Willpower and control, recognize your own strength and ability to maintain order in the midst of chaos

Journaling

I love the message of this card.  I love being reminded that I am strong and capable and that I can accomplish so much more than I think I can.  I sometimes get so caught up in listening to the voices of my past that I don't make time for my future.

I can and do accomplish great things.

This is a year for turning my focus inward and achieving things for myself and not for everyone else.  Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of others that I forget to take care of me.  This year is all about self love and self care.

November 20, 2017

I'm being challenged this year to set boundaries for others.  X could consume me if I chose to let her.  I have to trust that even though she has bipolar she is strong and capable.  As long as I see no signs that she is manic, I need to let her make her own mistakes, but that is a really hard thing to do.

October 26, 2018

The past year has been difficult and amazing.  It is almost a year later and we are still dealing with the affects of her assault.  Even though in a lot of ways she is stronger, she still gets scared and afraid sometimes.  However, because I've been better at managing boundaries in all of my life, I have been so much better about being able to be present for her and to really be there when she needs me.   A lot of that has to do with being able to be present for myself and to really value myself. 

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