Sunday, December 31, 2017

Moon

Moon
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Initially, I really did not like this card because it looked like a worm on a wheel, however, the more I studied the more I came to appreciate the artwork and to see the card for what it is.

Book:  In the realm of the soul, the moon is your guide, shape shifting, embracing duality, virgin onto herself, wheel of time, souls finding mercy

Guidance:  Reenactment of an old story is at hand, look for a reinterpretation, change comes over time, attune yourself to your rhythms, set your imagination free, get more sleep

Journaling:

What an amazing card today to pull today on the last day of the year and when there is going to be a super moon tomorrow.  I love the thought of doing the soul's work. I can feel the change afoot in the new year and know that there are amazing things on the horizon.  I can feel the magick in the air.

January 11, 2018

Wow!  This card was incredibly prophetic.  The reenactment of an old story is at hand and I am working hard to respond a different way.  Work is a little weird right now as we just went through a reorganization and I have a new boss, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  I also heard that for some joint project we reached out to Jessica about OCM, which also makes me wonder what is going on.   However, there is nothing I can do about any of that.

My initial reaction is to run.  It's to say, this isn't going to work out it is time for me to walk away, but they are telling me very clearly to stay and that it will work out.  It goes against all of my instincts, but I am choose to stay and see how it plays out.

The other interesting tidbit of guidance is the reminder to get enough sleep. I've learned this week that when I have enough sleep,  I am much more effective at dealing with stressors and weird situations.  When I don't get enough sleep, I struggle.


Saturday, December 30, 2017

Seven of Fire

Seven of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I love this card because it makes me think of being a bad ass and taking charge.  The colors and background are so simple, but very profound.

Book:  Rise up or the demon's win, Gods invoke Durga through their combined powers, tiger representing her unlimited powers, working to protect people from misery

Guidance:  Know which weapon to use for the fight, know you ground and your position and make a stand, identify your personal demons, do not give up something because it is hard.  It will be accomplished if you keep trying

Journaling

I really love the messages in this card, especially around knowing your demons.  My personal demons are low self esteem and feeling as if I always have to buy people's friendship.  I get caught up in thinking that if I do nice things for people then they will like e and I've always been that way.  I remember back in high school buying gifts so guys would like e.  And I did the same thing with John.  I thought if I bought him things he would stay.  I've learned that if people don't like me for who I am, than that is their loss, but people pleasing is still part of who I am.

My other demon is sugar and it is killing me, but I don't know how to stop.

Messages from my Guides

Yes, you do!  Decide to stop. Find a substitute and be done with it.  Yes the first few days will be hard, but it is either do this or do drugs and feel the medical industry.  You are tough and strong.  You can do this.

January 9, 2018

Today was about kicking ass and taking names.  I am fed up with bullshit excuses for not doing your job.  I'm fed up with people not fucking reading emails and expecting things to be spoon fed.  I very clearly said in my email that it was for standard training material.  I was a bitch today and it kind of felt good.  I'm tired of being nice as it feels like everyone walks all over me when I'm nice. 

However, when I take a step back and look at things from a different perspective, I realize that everyone is


Friday, December 29, 2017

Four of Fire

Four of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  My initial impressions of this card were not positive as it seemed to be someone pulling the strings.  However, as I did the reading, I realize that the intent is to show her influencing her children.  Overall this is a card of contentment as it shows our ancestors looking out for us.

Book:  Family, ancestors, and gods meet at the hearth; heart is a portal; ancestors live in the home fire; judge of domestic affairs

Guidance:  Scry using fire to receive messages from gods or ancestors, clean and smudge your house, acknowledge the gift of life you've received from your ancestors, do not pollute your future through poor behavior in the future

Journaling

There are so many messages in this card.  I love the message of honoring the gift of the ancestors even if you can't honor them.  The ancestors did give me gifts that I cherish.  I am strong and independent because of my Grandmother Babcock.  When I work to connect with her, I find someone who was trapped by the circumstances she grew up with.  she was poor and had few opportunities.  I also knew that she was mentally ill and did not get the help she truly needed.  It's difficult to function when you have an untreated mental illness.

I also know how easy it is to become angry and mean when your emotional needs aren't being met.  In some ways, John deciding to leave was a gift because I was becoming incredibly angry and bitter.  I felt as if I just gave and gave and gave and that I got nothing in return..  I still don't feel as if I get a lot of emotional support from others, but I also don't feel as if my emotional energy is being completely drained.

January 8, 2018

As I meditation on this card, the words that keep coming to mind are compassion, death, and perspective.  I need to learn to have compassion for myself and for others.  I'm being guided especially to have compassion for my mother.  I am still upset by the fact that I perceive her as choosing not to change, but what if she really can't choose to change?  Would I be judging her so harshly if she wasn't able to walk as fast as I can because she was handicapped?  I also have to remember that I've struggled to change even though I knew that changing was in my best interest.  I'm sure that there are people who think I was stubborn or was choosing not to change.

It's funny, as I was talking to someone from work today who exhibits a lot of the behavior that I used to exhibit:  being stubborn, taking everything personally, etc.  I was able to just listen to him without judging or taking any of it personally.  Maybe that's what I need to do with my mother.  Maybe I just need to realize that even though it feels personal, it isn't personal.  Maybe she truly is incapable of changing.

I also need to have compassion for myself and accept that her behavior hurts me and that I did the most compassionate thing that I could when I walked away.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Two of Fire

Two of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I love this card because it is so more more engaged than the typical two of wands where the man is looking passively out at the ocean.  Hekate is truly engaged and actively looking at the path.

Book:  You don't need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment

Guidance:  When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true

Journaling:

I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next.  This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.

As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust.  Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there.  I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there.  That's really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that's not how the world works.

I don't know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step?  Have I missed it by being stubborn?

Message from my guides

No my child, you haven't missed it.  You are right where you need to be.  Continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly.  Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself

January 8, 2018

Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put.  I've always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort.  They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance.  They're telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it.  I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid.  The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.

The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now.  I'm going to choose to trust them.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Six of Fire

Six of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Epona seems to be the exalted one sitting side saddle on her horse above the other horses.  She also strikes me as lonely without any other humans for company.

Book:  Succeed on the strength of your alliances, the great mare is the source of fertility of the land, Epona provides for her people in death and life, Epona is also night mare who appears in dreams

Guidance:  Hang a horse shoe to bring blessings, make progress day by day on a task until it is done, let people help you, Know what prosperity means to you, enjoy your moment in the sun.

Journaling:

I really like the reminder on this card to know when enough is enough.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in having it all that I forget to be content with the simple things in life.  We are snowed in today and part of me wants to rush to have the driveway plowed, but there is another part of me that is content to just sit and watch the snow fall.  There is absolutely no where that we need to be today.  I can take some time and smudge the house and do some cleansing, but there is nothing that truly needs to be done today.

It makes me wonder how often I rush to do things just because instead of sitting and enjoying what is.  It is actually hard sitting here and watching the snow fall instead of rushing about.  The one thing that I should do is to go out and shove the walk for the mail man if he hasn't come yet.

I have been gifted with so much in life.  I have a beautiful home, I live in a safe neighborhood, I have food to eat, I have people in my life who love me.  It is amazing how when you really take time to count your blessings all the old shit doesn't seem as important.  I'm not quite at the point where I can wish my mother and John happy and wonderful lives, but I can wish that they find peace and find healing.

I'm realizing that having peace within ourselves is the most important thing in the world as when we have peace within ourselves we are not frantically searching for someone or something.  I wonder if every person on earth had peace within their soul if we would have peace on earth.  Is peace something we can teach?  Can we teach kids to find that place within themselves when they actually like and accept themselves or is that too much to ask?

January 3, 2018

It is amazing how actually taking the time to reflect on what I've written can improve my mood.  I've been in a crappy mood all day for some unknown reason.  I think it may be that our client is choosing to reduce hours and I'm a little freaked out about it.  My fears about not having a job and being laid off are rising up and overwhelming me today.  However, that is just Frankie Fear talking as in reality, nothing has changed since before the holidays.  I knew that the client wanted to reduce the hours, but seeing my hours on the project go to 5 a week is a little scary.  I know there are a couple of other things in the works, but right now I'm freaked.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to say F* you to Frankie Fear.  Help me to realize that I will always be taken care of and that I am being guided.  Please help me to remember that I have always been taken care of and that my needs have always been met.

Blessings, Raine

Wow!  It is absolutely amazing how fast our guides work when we are open to guidance.  As I was writing this, I got a Facebook alert and there was a sponsored post for an article called "Nightmare Medicine:  How to Transform Fears into Power and Clarity."  Although the article specifically dealt with entering your nightmares (maybe chasing away Frankie Fear?) and confronting our fears, there were pointers and tips that I could use to vanquish my waking fears as well.

And if that wasn't enough to convince me that I am being taken care of, I logged into IHG to book my son a hotel as I get the member discounts and after I'd booked his hotel, I found I was eligible to get 25,000 points, which equates to one free night in a hotel, just for clicking a button.  I've been on the fence about going to the North Star Tarot Conference and the 25K points has pushed me toward taking a leap of faith and signing up.




Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Siren of Earth

Siren of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I don't like this card at first glance because it looks as if her face is on her ass.  However, when I look more closely, I realize her face is on her stomach as it is about the bawdy and wonderful things that Baubo does.  My initial thoughts on this were thinking with other parts of our body than our heads.

Book:  This is the life in the belly:  raw, ridiculous, sublime; Goddess of the belly laugh, power of laughter to activate the power of creativity.  This is the time for feminine renewal and sexuality

Guidance:  Laugh and smile deliberately, explore your body, explore physicality, be outlandish

Journaling:

I love the reminder to be bawdy and explore my uncivilized self.  I'm not sure how I feel about being in the company of women as that's always been disappointing for me.  I've never been comfortable with women.  I feel relations with women are stilted and as if they don't get me.  I've always been much more comfortable with men.  Of course, today it is much too cold to be bawdy about anything!  The wood room is freezing and I don't know if I'll ever be warm!

January 2, 2018

It's interesting as I reflect on this as to why this card makes me really uncomfortable and it goes back to a lot of interactions with other women.  Oddly, in these interactions I was the prude:


  • When I was a preteen or a young teenager we were at my Grandmother Babcock's house making butter and she said something about not getting pregnant by holding a pill between my legs.  At the time, I had no clue what she was talking about, but it made me uncomfortable.
  • My mother was talking to a friend while I was in the backseat of the car when I was 10 or so and she said something about my dad reaching for her breast and grabbing a roll of fat instead.  That made me incredibly uncomfortable.
  • When John and I were first dating, we went to Joan and George's and Vicky and Joyce were talking about my breasts and how they had kept growing.  That was so awkward and made me uncomfortable, but when I protested I was told I was too sensitive.
In my mind all three of these interactions were really inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable.  I have no problem making impersonal bawdy comments, but two of these were directed at me and the third was by my mother...ick.  John also made me uncomfortable because he'd have really inappropriate conversations with the kids and when I asked him to stop, he refused and told me I was too sensitive.

What I'm realizing this as I read this is that I'm not really a prude and I don't necessarily think other women are prudes, but I want agency over bawdy conversations and I want my feelings to be listened to and to not be told I'm too sensitive or that I need to lighten up.

Wow!  Pretty incredible what the cards tell us when we pay attention and listen.

Tarot and Swedish Death Cleansing

Swedish Death Cleansing has been in the news a lot lately and it has piqued my interest because of childhood memories of cleaning out houses and apartments after elderly relatives have died.  It is really not fun to go through someone else's stuff that they cherished and decide who gets it, whether it is worthy of being donated, or whether it should go in the dumpster.  It's not fair to leave boxes and boxes of stuff for someone else to clean out so I've decided to work on cleaning out my own stuff.  Deciding to pare down on books has been easy, the kitchenware and Christmas stuff will be split up when my kids move out so I'm not worried about that, but what to do with my tarot journals has been a challenge especially when I realized that I'd be generating at least 12 sketch pads and 4 larger journals each year.  That's a lot of paper.

Around the time I was contemplating Swedish Death Cleansing, I came across some stories online about the worst/saddest/most disturbing thing people had learned about family members and invariably some of these horrible things were learned when I people read someone's journal after they had died.  I made the decision then and there that I did not want my kids reading my raw and unadulterated journals after I died, not because I had big secrets to hide, but because I didn't want them to read something nasty I'd written about them and be devastated.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but like everyone else on the planet, they sometimes do really annoying things ad sometimes I write about it.  

Deciding I didn't want my kids to read my raw journals after I died and actually doing something about it were two different things because I have no idea when I'm going to die and I can't exactly control what people do after I'm gone.  I also don't want to stop journaling for fear of possibly offending someone.  

I had originally decided against posting my daily draws on Tarot of Change because they were personal guidance given to me and weren't really for public consumption.  However, I decided to go back to the original definition of what a Blog was:  a Web Log.  Blogs were originally online journals or diaries where people shared their thoughts.  However, the more I thought of it I realized that maybe there was a way to have the best of both worlds:  I could continue journaling offline, but transcribe my journals online on a regular basis.  This would allow me to clean up and remove anything hurtful, but would still let me keep the essence of my journal intact. 

The other decision I made was that even though I'm posting a sanitized version of my daily draws online, they are still mine and are written to record my journey.  If someone else happens to stumble across my blog and learn from it, that's awesome, but that's not the intent.  As I said in an earlier post, I'm not a role model and I'm done trying to be one.  I'm willing to help people and guide them, but I'm living my life for me and me alone.

Monday, December 25, 2017

The Sun

Sun
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Sekhemet always strikes me as so regal in this card, she is clearly a woman of power who knows how to wield it.  Her solar sundress makes me think of all the blood she has lapped up.  Overall, the sun is a card of promise and warmth.

Book:  Power Burns, Power Heals, raw power of the sun, divine vengeance, cleansing fire cures, She ensures the flame of one's life does not burn out too soon

Guidance:  Opportunity to break a negative cycle, walking both the spiritual and mundane paths, following a calling

Journaling

Pretty amazing that I pulled this card right after I was doing a sun meditation to heal my pancreas.  Even though I know the sun is still up there, she feels faraway today.  It is a cold day and the cold wind is howling.  My wood room is drafty and I feel the cold breeze blowing.  Days like today it feels as if the sun is never going to come out and warm us.  I can truly see how the ancients believed the sun had forsaken them. 

They are truly telling me to charge a citrine and put it in water from last year's snow.  I'm supposed t ask that Sekhemet bless the water and I'm supposed to meditate and listen to binaural beats.  They are telling me that will bring my sugar levels down.  At this point, I'm willing to try anything.

January 1, 2018

Okay, I haven't done this yet as I haven't dug through my rocks to find a citrine.  I will do it this week and report back on the results.  Interesting thing is that even though I haven't done it yet, I am feeling better and I have made a definitive decision to stop the sugar and I've started to find alternatives.


Sunday, December 24, 2017

Hanged One

Hanged One
Dark Goddess
First Impressions:  I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I'm not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water.  The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.

Book:  What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.

Guidance:  Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.

Journaling

Surrender is such a foreign concept to me.  I've always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up.  However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen.  It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.

Dearest Ones,

Help me to trust you enough to let go.  Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out.  Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.

January 1, 2018

I'm still getting used to writing 2018!  One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don't have to control everything.  Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do.  It's kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they're supposed to do. 

Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me.  However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well. 


Saturday, December 23, 2017

I am not a Role Model

In the immortal words of Charles Barkley, "I am not a role model."  After careful reflection, I've realized that I want to live my life for myself and not to serve as a role model or guru for others.  However, I've also decided that I will share my personal tarot journey and if it helps other people, that's great.  And if it doesn't, no harm done.

My mother taught me early that a woman's life was all about being there for other people no matter how badly they treated you.  Despite the fact that her mother had given away her wedding presents, looked the other way when her brother tried to kill her, and generally treated her like garbage, my mother was always at my grandmother's beck and call.  I remember multiple times growing up when my mother would drop everything to go take care of some nonessential emergency that my grandmother was having, despite the fact that she had vowed the week before to quit putting her mother first.

The lessons were reinforced when I got married as my life was not supposed to revolve around my husband and children and nothing I wanted mattered.  When I told my mother I was going to a writer's retreat, the first thing she asked was how my husband felt about watching the kids.  When I told her I was going to a computer class for work, she asked why John wasn't going instead as we worked for the same company and to her it made more sense for a man to take a computer class than a woman.  And when I told her my husband and I were separating, she never once asked how I was doing.

As I crawled through a hell of low self esteem and the remnants of domestic violence to recover from my divorce, I journaled about all of the lessons I was learning and thought that one day I might write a book or teach a class on how to recover from painful experiences.  I thought about all the people who had given me a helping hand and dreamed about the day I could offer support to others.

However, as I got stronger and grew my self esteem, I realized that writing about my experiences with the explicit purpose of helping others was, once again, making my life about other people.  It also started to feel all too much like giving unsolicited advice, which is something Al-Anon taught me was a huge no-no.  As I explored my thoughts on writing and teaching about personal growth, I realized that anything formal like a book or a class would feel like preaching.  It would be putting myself up on a pedestal and, as you know, a lot of people have had their egos seriously injured by falling from pedestals. 

So after all of that, I'm sure your wondering why I would put my tarot journal online and that's a very valid question.  I made the decision to put my Tarot Journal online after reading about Swedish Death Cleansing and reading stories about people who had read their loved ones journals after they'd passed and were hurt by something they had read there.  I didn't want to censor myself in my journal as it's a place where I can write out anything and everything that is on my mind, but I also didn't want my kids to read old journals and see bitching and moaning about them.  

My solution was to begin to put cleaned up versions of my journals online.  Doing this allows me to keep the immediacy of my paper journal, but allows me an opportunity to remove anything hurtful and replace it with something innocuous.  It also allows me to keep the lessons I've learned from journaling, but let go of any specifics that really don't matter.

I also decided to make my journals public as there might be something here that might help other people and if so, great.  If not, than that's okay too.

Three of Fire

Three of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  The first impression I get in looking at this card is that the three little beasts are waiting for Circe to fall off the hill.  I believe that she is stirring up some kind of medical or magical potion and she needs to wait until it is perfect.

Book:  Ideas have a life of their own, Goddess credited with the invention of Magick, Transformation, Lack of jealousy

Guidance:  Your creative ability is high, permanence is an illusion as everything changes, mix up things in your life, changing your appearance or your home is not a superficial act.

Journaling:

I needed this reminder that nothing is permanent.  I get so caught up in wanting some things to remain the same that I forget how boring that can make life.  Life truly is a journey and there is always something new to discover.  What I am struggling with is reconciling the fact that nothing is permanent with my need for stability.  How can I create a stable life when there truly is impermanence?

I think it comes down to building a financial foundation and a home and then going with the flow.  It's interesting as I groaned when I pulled this card and I wanted to put it back and I did.  I then pulled the witch of fire, but my conscious wouldn't let me cheat so I decided to keep the card that I originally pulled, although I did look at the reading for the Witch of Fire (Cerridwin).  Cerridwin has a meaning that is complimentary to this one:  Use an established framework or structure to keep your energy focused.  What an amazing confirmation.

December 30, 2017

Wow!  It always amazes me how the cards provide the lessons that I need and the confirmation, when necessary.  I think the answer is to create a stable structure and create the magic within the structure.  For me right now that means working on paying off my credit cards and my bills so that I have more flexibility financially.  It also means going back to shopping at Aldi for whatever I can get there so I can cut my grocery budget.  Not a big deal as I always went to Aldi when we lived in Chicago, I just got out of the habit.


Friday, December 22, 2017

Ace of Fire

Ace of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  This card speaks to me of peace, of cleanliness, of harmony.  The body of the goddess mirrors the temple behind her.  I also love how she is holding both wood and fire. 

Book:  Revere the source, keep power pure, Roman goddess of fire and the hearth, Virgin, woman onto herself, temple, awaken in nature

Guidance:  Situation has deep roots and a bright future, Acknowledge your desire, do not allow others to skew your vision, do what makes your spark shine

Journaling:

This card feels like a spark plug to me.  A reminder of the divine spark within all of us that keeps us holy.  All too often we allow this spark to go out or become dirty and covered in grime.  When that happens, we often start to lose our appreciation for the spark of the divine in others. 

It is so easy to dehumanize others and to place them in an other category.  I'm really pissed at my co-project lead right now because he wants to meet twice a week next week even though everyone is on PTO.  However, I've had to take a step back and realize two things:

  • I have a job to complain about and that is definately something to be grateful for.
  • He is usually pretty good to work with so I'll take that as a positive and let go of this as it will all work itself out in the end

December 29, 2017

We ended up only having daily checkpoints and not twice daily checkpoints so it was not that horrible.  I also did a great job of doing the checkpoint and letting go.  I was afraid I was going to be spending all week stewing about how I had to have these stupid checkpoints, etc, etc.  However, I talked myself off the ledge by reminding myself that it was 20 minutes out of my day and answering a few emails.  It was not a big deal and when I talked myself off the ledge and put it in context, I was ale to just let go and appreciate my week.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Ace of Air

Ace of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn't waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.

Journaling:

I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I'm a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don't need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that's not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Eight of Fire

Eight of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions: My first impressions are of a beautiful red fire goddess falling into a small village.  There is a sense of haste and purpose.

Book:  Let the rush lead to a new awakening, Inviting change in, a great energetic shift, seducing people to follow impossible dreams.

Guidance:  Get out of the way and go for the ride, invite the Goddess in, follow your desire

Journaling:

I'm not sure what to do with this energy.  A feel there is a change a'brewing, but I don't truly know what I want in my life.  I don't know.  Part of me just wants peace in my life.  I don't want to change the world or just buy things.  I just want peace.  I want to wake up and look into my soul and clean away the debris that has accumulated there.  I want to live a simple life, but how do I get there?  How do I live a contemplative life while still being in the world.

December 28, 2017

This week has been a really good experience for me in letting go and choosing to live in peace.  I'm not thrilled that we have to have daily meetings to resolve defects, but I've realized that I have  choice:  I can choose to let the 30 minute daily meeting ruin my entire day or I can choose to say, this is 30 minutes that I need to spend doing this, but then I'm done.  It really is a choice and I've been doing a good job of choosing to do the meeting and let go.  That is so much progress for me because before I would have spent the entire day in a snit because I had to have this one 30 minute meeting.

I'm also doing a good job of choosing to let go of not being able to spend as much time cleaning the house as I want to.  It's really hard to clean around people and to a certain extent that annoys me, but I can choose to get all angry and pissy about them sitting there or I can just choose to relax and do something else.  It is my choice.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Seven of Air

Seven of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Ellen does a great job with this card in giving us the sense of the thief as Laverna is turned toward something gesturing while behind her back she holds a bag of money.  I didn't realize it when I first drew this card, but there are seven columns.  I love this card and even though I didn't not consciously look at the card, my very first impressions were ones of a thief and dishonesty.

Book:  Succeeding through ill-gotten gains, hiding in the shadows

Guidance: Think outside of the box, think of another way, work for your own best interests, answer may be found in silence.

Journaling:

The message I take from Laverna is to reclaim what is mine.  I spend so much time and energy giving and being for others that I neglect myself.  I need to make a concentrated effort to reclaim myself.  I also have to acknowledge that there are days when it only feels like taking my life back is stealing because other people do not recognize my sovereignty and only see me in relation to what I can do for them.  I need to reclaim myself and life my life for me and not for others.  That's easier now than when my kids were little, but it still feels awkward to say no and put my own needs first.  It is something I know will continue to be a work in progress.

December 26, 2017

Pulling this card reminds me of the ritual to Laverna that Anna led.  I was okay with all the Dark Goddess rituals she led until I got to this one because it was almost as if she took glee in the idea of worshiping someone who was was the patron of thieves.  However, over the past few years I've had a lot of time to meditate and reflect.  I've also done the meditation to Laverna from The Dark Goddess Lodge and I've come to a different understanding of Laverna and the Seven of Swords in general.

I've realized that sometimes it is right and necessary to be a "thief" as sometimes it is about reclaiming your sovereignty and reclaiming what someone stole from you.  John stole so much for me and I'm finally starting to reclaim who I am.  He pounded me down so hard that I lost so much of myself.  I still don't know why he chose to beat me down physically and emotionally, but I have come back and I've reclaimed myself.

I'm also learning that other people consider it selfish or wrong to stand up for myself and take back my time and my resources.  It is not wrong to take back what is yours.  In fact it is good and noble to take yourself back to a time of wholeness.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Stars

Stars
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions: I love this card with Spider Woman weaving her web out of stars.  It makes me happy and serves as a reminder that we are all connected.  I also love how Ellen has changed the name of this card to be Stars instead of Star.

Book:  Small things hold the earth in the heavans, she draws light and lfie from the darkness, creating through her thoughts keeps the sky from leaving.

Guidance:  The more you reach for what inspires you, the more your purpose becomes clear.  Act in alignment with your beliefs.  Use stability.  You are part of a network

Journaling:

I love the messages of Spider Woman and the sense of being connected to everyone.  The reminder to not always go at something head on, but to be subtle and thoughtful is important for me to hear.  I also love to meditate on the web and the interconnections of life.

My problem right now is that I don't really know what I'm passionate about.  There was a time I wanted to write and teach, but I'm not really sure that's what I want as I'm not sure I want to take that responsibility for others.  In some ways that feels like my mother's bullshit about making my life about everyone else.

I think I just need to be still with the question and the answer will come to me.

Dearest ones,

Please direct me down the path that is right for me and help me find my joy.

Blessings, Raine

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Siren of Water

Siren of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  These are actually second impressions, since I've pulled the Siren of Water recently ๐Ÿ˜.  One of the things that is striking me as I look at this card a little deeper, is that Aphrodite looks very shapeless.  We tend to think of her as being a blond bombshell, but her toga completely obscures her curves.  For me, this card is about learning about emotions.

Book:  Love is a risk you must take, all that enchants the spirit and arouses the body and in doing so she opens her heart.

Guidance:  Look at yourself through the eyes of love and change what is possible.  Admit your desire.  Do or make something you love.

Journaling:

Aphrodite is not a goddess that I've ever been comfortable with as she seems so perfect and out of reach.  She's the cheerleader who gets all the boys while I'm the chunky nerd no one looks twice at.

Message from Aphrodite

I am not your rival.  I am you.  Embrace my gifts of beauty and sensuality.  Let go of the fear in your heart about not being pretty enough or sexy enough.  These are old messages.  You are beautiful, kind, loving, and have a beautiful heart.  I am not your rival, I can be your coach and friend if you can open up your heart and trust.

December 28, 2018

Wow!  As I read back over this, I have chills as this is an amazingly powerful message.  I know there are pretty girls that are mean girls, but maybe there are pretty girls who are pretty inside and out.  I always put up my defenses around pretty girls, but maybe I shouldn't.

One of the hardest lessons I'm learning right now is that beauty truly does come from the inside out.  I know that I struggle with that as looking in the mirror and not seeing a perfect size 6 makes me feel bad about myself.  It has been a struggle to start to look for the good in myself and to find my inner Aphrodite.  I do know that cutting off people who do not support me and encourage me has helped me tremendously.  I spent my entire childhood believing that the right way to show love was to discourage people and constantly give them unwanted advice.  It was about "correcting" people by telling them they smelled like an old fisherman while in the market, even though there wasn't anything I could do about it at the time.  It was about being passive aggressive and talking about me to others instead of being direct.  It was about "bringing me down a peg."

In reality, none of those things are love.  Those are simply acts of cruelty.  It doesn't matter if it was my mother who did them, they were acts of cruelty and abuse.  True love builds people up and doesn't tear them down.  The only good thing out of that entire experience, is that I've learned what love is and by not following the bitch's crappy example, I can show my kids true love by encouraging them and supporting them.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that's what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path.  That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:


  • Stop what I'm doing and breathe
  • Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
  • Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that's something easy I can remember.  I've come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I'm not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I've felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can't react or I won't have a job.  It's one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I'm learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don't have to have all the answers right now.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Witch of Earth

Witch of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I initially thought this card was showing Inanna welcoming a lover in a cave, which would be Ereshkigal's domain.  However, she is welcoming a lover in a bower, drawing him with her loveliness.  Inanna always speaks to me of death and rebirth.

Book:  Make magic in your partnership with natural forces, storehouse where grain was stored awaiting transformation into grain, Inanna's body was one with the earth.

Guidance:  Learn your plant allies, express your creativity through baking, or other trans-formative actions, approach everyday tasks with a sense of service.

Journaling:

One of the things I have been working on is to approach life with a sense that we are all in this together.  I've also been working hard to foster kindness, especially with people in service positions.  I know people often look down on service workers and/or are nasty to them, but anyone doing an honest and hard job deserves to be appreciated.  It doesn't take any more effort to be kind to people than to be nasty and I feel so much better about myself when I am kind.

December 27, 2018

In some ways it feels weird to equate kindness with Inanna, because I always think of her and her sister together and she definitely was not kind to Ereshkigal.  She went down and invaded her home with her uppity attitude as if she was the queen of the underworld and had the right to treat people like crap.  In my mind she deserved to get her comeuppance as she was a bitch.

However, my personal feelings about the myths aside, when I think about the sign at the Ritz-Carlton, "Ladies and Gentleman taking care of Ladies and Gentleman."  That slogan put people on an equal footing and conveyed the message that everyone was worth of respect.  I try to approach life like that because I am no better or worse than anyone else, I'm just a person trying to get by.

I have to be honest and say that if anything, it took me a long time to get over the thought that I was worse than or less than other people.  I always thought that I deserved the scraps and that it was okay if people disrespected me.  I've put a lot of hard work into changing that impression of myself and most days, I feel good about myself.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Magician

Magician
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I love this depiction of Isis with her arms outstretched and her wings surrounding Osiris.  For me this is a reminder of the transforming and magical power of love.

Book:  Wife, Mother, Queen, Protector

Guidance:  Use words of power to achieve your goals, see clearly what you want, change what you can

Journaling:

Interesting card today as I've been feeling very magical lately.  I finally feel as if I can achieve what I want/need in my life.  The past month has been hell, but I'm finally feeling positive.  Isis is about creating magic, but she is also the pure power of love.

December 18, 2017

Isis is not only magic, she is also a cared of pure love.  She goes after what she wants from a place of love.

December 27, 2017

I love both Isis and Nephthys and it is very powerful to be surrounded by their wings and feel their great love.  Isis always gets all the publicity because she was the queen, but Nephthys is just as powerful and together they compliment each other.  Isis is the romantic love, while Nephthys is sisterly love and the all encompassing love for humanity.

Every since I have been dedicated to Nephthys, I've see the positive, independent side of her, but lately I have been starting to feel the warm and loving side of her.  Despite her own horribly abusive marriage, she stood by Isis' side as she went looking for Osiris and she is the one who is the one who comforts those who are in mourning.  She is the one who loves when it is painful to love, she is the one who loves through encouraging people to get back up and to stand on their own two feet after something traumatic has happened.


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Witch of Water

Witch of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  I'm filled with deep despair as I look at this card.  She appears so alone and so lonely.

Book:  Every situation ends in the sea, there to use anew, salt water, purification

Guidance:  Demonstrate your ethics and beliefs on a regular basis, look beyond form to essence, purify

Journaling:

As I reflect on this card, the image I get is of a water witch creating a water sprite.  I'm reminded of the amazing power water has to both create and destroy.  Water is one of the most compelling things because of its changing nature.  However, as I reflect on this, I realize that wind and fire have the same qualities as they can be soft or hellacious.  It seems that only earth is solid all the time.

December 18, 2017

I feel the power of water moving through me lately.  It is fluid and dynamic and helps to clear away that which no longer serves me.

December 27, 2017

There have been times lately where I have truly felt stuck by what is going around in my life.  I've felt trapped and as if things will never change.  However, right now I feel as if amazing things are right around the corner and my job is to be fluid and dynamic and be open to change.  I'm not always very open to change, but right now I feel like it will all bring good things.


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Demeter is so sad and desolate on this card.  I feel the barrenness of the earth as if all of the life has been taken away.  This is definitely a card of loss and the need to come in from the cold.  There is a different kind of barrenness outside my window today as it is cold and snowy and the darkness is creeping over the world even though it is just 4 pm.

Book:  Give no part of yourself to that which does not sustain you.

Guidance:  Accept the fallow times as part of the cycle, release expectation

Journaling:

I love and needed to hear the messages of this card today.  I am so impatient that I fail to see all the wonders around me.  I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day that I often forget that the best things in life take time.  Demeter also reminds me of the importance of taking time to mourn and be still within myself.

December 13, 2017

Although it wasn't the main plot line on NCIS NOLA last night, the interplay between Dwayne and his dad was meaningful to me.  The idea of being free of a parent is so liberating.  I think I have been trying so hard to be the "modern woman" that I've forgotten you can have love and a career.  Interesting that this is all coming up around Demeter, who lost herself in grief for her daughter.

December 18, 2017

All I need to do is to be myself.  I don't need to make up for anything or to prove anything to anyone.  I just need to be me.

December 27, 2017

The message that all I need to do is be myself is so powerful and it is a lesson that I desperately needed to hear.  I get so caught up in trying to live up to other people's expectations that I forget that I just need to live life for me.  I think that is why I am so adamant that my blog is mine and mine alone.  It is not meant to be a place of wisdom for other people, although I am always willing to freely share what I have learned. 




Monday, December 11, 2017

Hag of Water

Hag of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  Just glancing at this card, it appeared as if Ran was feeding birds, but then I realized that she was underwater and that there was a person falling into the water.  Overall this card gives me a sense of despair and grief.

Book:  Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.

Guidance:  Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.

Journaling:

The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn't want to and for her playing the expert.  I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don't want to repeat here๐Ÿ™.  The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her. 

December 27, 2017

The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them.  Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it.  We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I'm sure there are times that I get on their nerves.  It's been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that's harder to do with everyone here.

However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can't be in the living room because I want it to be quiet.  That would be mean and I'm not going to do it.  We will just all compromise and it will all work out.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot.  I've endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

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