It's always a time of darkness as memories of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex's heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul. In years passed, I've berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I've leaned into the pain. I've acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I've chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.
The darkness was deeper than I'd anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry. However, I got up each morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I've been through dark times before and they had passed. I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.
The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me. I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain. All my normal ways of connecting were not working.
Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay. I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.
|Nine of Air|
Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley. I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain. I was free from all of it. As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary. I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.
She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me. She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.
|Hag of Earth|
Dark Goddess Tarot
I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.
Update: December 21, 2017
I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled. The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.