Saturday, December 16, 2017

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot
First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that's what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.


What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the "I'm fired" path.  That makes no sense at all because I've been billable and we're gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I'm learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I'm so mean to myself even when I've done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

  • Stop what I'm doing and breathe
  • Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
  • Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that's something easy I can remember.  I've come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I'm not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I've felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can't react or I won't have a job.  It's one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I'm learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don't have to have all the answers right now.

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