Friday, December 21, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Cozy


Welcome to the Winter Solstice Blog Hop.  This go round our wrangler, Joanne Sprott, asked us to explore the concept of cozy.  For me, the first word I think of when I think about cozy is Hygge.  For those of you not familiar with the concept, Hygge is a Danish concept that roughly translates to enjoying the cozy contentment and well being through enjoying the simple things of life.  For me hygge is about snuggling in, lighting candles, and just being.

In the spirit of Yule and my own efforts to bring  more hygge into my life, I've put together a spread to reflect on various components of hygge.  I chose to use the Druidcraft Deck for this spread because it is a Celtic deck and it reminds me of the outdoors and of a simpler time.  It is also the first Tarot deck I every worked with so it brings a lot of history to the table and a lot of knowledge of who I am and what is important to me in terms of cozy.


=====================================================================
Hope for me is central to the concept of hygge because when I feel hopeful, I'm able to let go of distractions and be present in the moment.  When I'm worried about the future and feeling as if the world is closing in on me, it's hard for me to relax and be in the moment.  When I asked the cards, how I can keep hope alive, I pulled the Six of Pentacles which is a reminder to give to others and to help when you can.  This card is a reminder that life can be harsh and cruel, but that everyone has something to give. Some of us have money to give, some have time, and others may only have a smile, but if everyone gives what we can, we will all be better off.  
The Six of Pentacles also reminds us to give with an open heart.  The flip side of giving is receiving and the Six of Pentacles is also a reminder to receive with an open heart.  I struggle to receive with an open heart and this card is a reminder that receiving is as important as giving.  This is a reminder I need right now because I'm feeling overwhelmed and overburdened and a lot of it is because I am not opening up and asking for the help that I need.
========================================================================

Yuletide is a season of hope and joy that should be innocent and kind, but all too often we get caught up in the commercialism and the competitiveness of having to buy the biggest and best presents. When I asked the cards how I could honor the spirit of yule, the Seven of Pentacles told me to take a break and be grateful for what I had.   The cards told me to let go and trust that I'd done my job and that I didn't have to be a super star in all areas of my life.

This resonated so much with where I'm at with my life as in the past, I've always fully decorated my house for the holidays.  I've had at least one tree, lots of Santas, and a host of other decorations.  However, I had an opportunity to travel right before the holidays to see some old friends and I realized that if I wanted to be fully engaged with my friends, I couldn't decorate the way I usually did.  I decided that I'd scale back this year with lots of candles and greenery and less stuff.  I'm heading into the week feeling relaxed and at peace.

I'm finally realizing that I am enough just as I am and that I don't have to continually prove myself over and over and over.  I can just be.

========================================================================
Gratitude is another important component of hygge in my life.  When I am feeling grateful, I feel peace right down to my bones.  Being grateful helps me to remember that even though life might not always be perfect and that there are a lot of bad things that happen in our lives, there are also a lot of amazing things in our lives.  As cliched as it sounds, I write a gratitude list every day and I've found that when I take time to consciously think about the good things in life, my outlook on life is a lot rosier.

The cards have a sense of humor and when I asked what I had to be grateful for, the ten of pentacles showed up to remind me that I have people in my life to love me, I have material goods, I have a house that keeps me warm and cozy, and I have a couple of big dogs in my life to bring me laughter and joy.
========================================================================
Grace as unmerited and unconditional love and support is a concept I was introduced to after my divorce.  I was a mess and was incredibly needing and I emotionally vomited over any one who was close to me.  I was incredibly fortunate in that I had a best friend who was totally there for me.  He listened to me rant, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and reminded me that I was worth loving.  He was the first human that ever truly gave me unconditional love.  However, since then I've realized that I've always had unconditional love in my life because I've always had dogs who were there with a snuggle and love no matter what was going on in my life.

When I asked the cards how I could show grace, I pulled the eight of pentacles which was very ironic in a way as my best friend was also my mentor at work.  The eight of pentacles tells me that grace is a skill that I need to work on and develop as I'm often quick to judge other people, especially when I am stressed and overwhelmed.  The cards are telling me that I also need to show grace and love myself even when I'm not perfect at unconditional love.
=======================================================================
Embracing cozy is something I struggle with as I always feel like I should be doing something productive instead of sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate and enjoying my scented candles.  A lot of us have been brought up in an environment that equates just being and relaxing with being lazy and slothful.  The advice the cards gave me when I asked how to embrace cozy was interesting as the Ace of Swords showed up to tell me to cut away all things that no longer matter.  It's time to let go of emotions, people, and things that no longer serve me.

Pulling this card was serendipitous as one of my words for the year was shedding and I have been working all year long on letting go of things that no longer serve me.  I've limited relationships with people who trigger me, I've gotten rid of stuff I know longer need, and I've worked to set boundaries.  This card was both an affirmation and a reminder that there is always more to shed.
========================================================================
I have to confess that when I turned these cards over I very nearly put them back and reshuffled because they seemed too perfect and they had me wondering if my deck had actually gotten shuffled.  However, this is a deck I've been using for a while so I know it's been shuffled and the cards are what they are.  Sometimes, you just have to laugh at how perfectly they fall.

I hope everyone has an amazing Yule.




Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Coach Yourself: The Devil Let Me Do It

The sun felt warm on my face as walked over to the Citadel, an outdoor mall in California.  It was November and freezing at home, but here in sunny southern California, the light jacket I was wearing felt too warm.  My Midwestern snobbery cringed at the Christmas Carols, the fake snow, and the inflatable snowmen, but my soul danced along as the stereo blared White Christmas.

I heard the voices of my hardworking Midwestern kin tell me that California was full of flakes, that it was too expensive, that there wasn't something quite right about people that enjoyed warm weather all year long.  And on the other shoulder was the Devil whispering in my ear that I should let go and enjoy the warmth and there was nothing wrong with indulging in a green Christmas.

Instantly, the "devil" card from my first tarot deck, The DruidCraft Tarot appeared before me and I realized that the devil is all about giving ourselves permission to indulge.  Unlike more traditional decks where the Devil is about obsession, addiction, and slavery to material things, in the DruidCraft deck, the Devil appears as Cernnunos, the Lord of the Animals.  The keywords emphasize the potential for abundance and freedom that come from self mastery.  

I've spent some time over the last week reading the descriptions of the Devil from a variety of sources and while some are the more traditional hellfire and brimstone cards, there are surprisingly quite a few tarot sources that take a more balanced approach to the Devil and who remind us that a few indulgences are not a bad thing.  Tarot.com says, "Let go of inhibitions. Allow yourself to express all of who you are."

In a burst of synchronicity, at the same time I was pondering the Devil, I was also reading Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness and right after I was having my encounter with the devil, I read the section in her book where she wrote herself permission slips to do things that were outside of her comfort zone.  It sounds so silly that actually writing "I give myself permission to..." could influence how I behaved, but I went back to my hotel room and wrote, "I give myself permission to like LA."

It was amazing because as I wrote those words, I felt all my Midwestern scorn for the City of Angels slipping away and the next time I went out, I was able to just enjoy the warm sun on my face, playing hooky at the beach before heading home, and the amazing variety of food.  

On my way home, after an amazing trip to Manhattan Beach, I realized that there were a lot of other things that I needed to give myself permission to do such as make mistakes, ask for help, and be vulnerable.  I've started giving myself permission to write myself permission slips and each time there is something I feel reluctant to do, I write myself a permission slip.

I challenge all of you to take a new look at the devil the next time he shows up in a reading.  Maybe he isn't there to warn you about addictions and obsessions, but to give you permission to be yourself./div>

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Honoring the Beloved Dead

PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG

For our Tarot Blog Hop this Samhain, I'd like to share my ritual to honor my Grandma Elda who died on October, 15, 1998.



According to Mexican tradition, we all die multiple times with the last time being the time that someone says your name for the last time.  As I've grown older, I've realized that we are always connected to our loved ones that have gone before us and that it is our duty to keep them alive through our memories and our traditions.  One of the practices I have recently started is to take a pause on the death day of someone who mattered to me.  I create an altar in my tarot journal, I write them a short letter to thank them for the wisdom they've given me, and I ask them three questions:
  • What do you think of who I am now?  
  • What advice do you have for me?
  • What can I learn from your life?
This practice keeps my beloved dead and strengthens my connection to my beloved dead.  I practice this ritual for both those who died who were personally connected to me as well as people who have died who have impacted my life in some way such as Frida Kahlo, Marilyn Monroe, John Glenn, and others.  I generally use the Bonefire Tarot for this practice as it just feels appropriate.


My Grandma Elda was not my grandmother by blood, but by choice.  She was my babysitter from the time I was six months old until I was about 10 and she was part of my life until she died.  She'd been born in Germany in 1902 and immigrated to the United States before World War II.  Her husband, who was Greek, had diabetes and was confined to a wheel chair.  She took care of him as well as anyone else who came into her sphere of influence.  My Grandma Elda was the best cook I knew and with her food was truly love.  It was from her I learned to love pasta, beef stew, and other amazing food.  Her home was tiny in size, but was large in love.  One of my favorite traditions was that my family would go to her house the day after Thanksgiving and have a feast of love.


Dear Grandma Elda,

Thank you for being there for me and for loving me.  You were the grandmother of my heart because my grandmother who truly loved me was true far away to see on a regular basis and my other grandmother was not very interested in being my grandmother.  From you, I learned the love of family, the love of good food, and the value of hard work.


I loved the Angel Food cakes you made for us every birthday because I knew that your love was baked in.  And the salads that we had with every dinner made me love salad.  I always loved pulling down your wooden salad bowl and smelling the faint scent of vinegar that always lingered.  I wish that my children would have gotten to know you.
Thank you so much for everything.
Love,
Raine
======================================================

What do you think of who I am now?

You have been through a hell of a battle.  In some ways, you were fighting for your very life in your marriage.  However, you are a survivor and you are much stronger than you know.  Although you have been battered and bruised, you have also learned and grown from the struggle.  You have also done an amazing job of recognizing that your children were battled and bruised with you and you have worked hard to help them heal as well.  They are healing and they are starting to believe that love and peace are real.  I'm proud of the job you've done in not letting your pain and disappointment scar you and harden you.


What advice can you give me?
You need to learn to let people in and collaborate.  All too often you think that you can do it all by yourself and you don't need anyone else in your life.  However, this is not true and you need to let go of the go it alone mentality and learn to trust and collaborate with others.  This card also tells me that you have been and continue to be on a spiritual journey as you continue to learn and grow.  As with other collaborations, spiritual journeys often need other people to help you along or to guide you.  It is important for you to let others help you.

What can I learn from your life?

Fight for those who matter to you and defend your boundaries.  I lived through WWII and there were times when it would have been so much easier for us to give up, however, it is important to defend that what is important to you.  That means not only defending your loved ones, but also defending the beliefs and attitudes that you cherish.





This was an interesting reading as there was so much of it that I heard my grandmother's voice in.  However, my grandmother was not a political woman so I'm not sure about the meaning of the last card.  This is something I will need to meditate on.

PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LISTNEXT BLOG





Friday, September 21, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Finding Balance





Welcome to the Mabon Blog Hop.  I'm super excited to be participating in this hop because Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year.  Our wranglers,Jenn Waltner and Louise Underhill, have challenged us to post on the theme of balance and how it can be restored. I've decided to use a spread I created to ask the elements for guidance on how I can bring more balance into my life. I'll be using the Tarot de St. Croix for my spread as this deck always makes me think of Fall.

North: Message from the Bones
The seven of swords, as interpreted by Lisa de St. Croix, tells me that I need to clear space in my life for what is important and I need to focus on my goals. These are important messages as I am getting ready to embark on a serious effort to lose weight and I need to really focus on this goal and to make time in my life to exercise and pay attention to what I eat. The more traditional meaning of the swords, stealing or retrieving something, is also valid in this reading as I'm taking back my health. This card also dovetails with an emotional journey that I've been taking to heal from ancestral damage. I grew up believing that my weight was a function of genetics and that there was nothing I could do about it. However, when I look back at my mother's eating habits, I realize that she was trying to lose weight while eating cookies, soda, and other unhealthy foods. In hindsight, the messages about not being able to lose weight because of genetics, do not match up with the eating habits she demonstrated.

East: Message from the Mind
The fool tells me that I need to let go of my need to know my destination and to just trust that I will be taken where I need to go and provided with what I need. This is a very apt reading for me as I am a control freak and it is hard for me to embark on journeys with uncertain outcomes. It's very interesting that I pulled this card as the message from the mind, because I'm applying for a graduate program in Spirituality, Culture, and Health and the rational part of my brain that I have always relied upon to make decisions is telling me that there is no return on investment in this program and that I will be wasting my money. However, my heart is telling me it is right for me and that it will lead me someplace amazing. This card is an affirmation that I need to just leap and trust that the path will unfold.

South:  Messages from the Spirit 
My initial read of the hermit was that the cards were telling me that I would never have anyone in my life and that I would always be alone. However, as I have taken time to reflect, I've realized that that is the interpretation of my all or nothing mindset. The more gentle message from the cards is that I am a person who needs a lot of alone time and that I need to learn to balance my need for solitude with a relationship. I need to make sure to make time for myself no matter what the circumstances. It is a reminder to myself to not get so caught up in someone else that I lose myself. Messages from the Emotions




East:  Messages from the Emotions
The World is telling me to embrace all of my emotions and to not segregate them based on what I believe are good or bad emotions. All of my emotions can help me to grow and to become my best self. The world is also telling me that by opening my heart to embrace my own emotions, I can be connected to the all of my brothers and sisters in spirit around the world. This message is incredibly timely for me as I am someone who shields herself and doesn't like to open up to the world around me. I need to be like the world and stand naked in the middle of my own world and own it. I need to own who I am and what I feel.


Message from the Source 
The four of wands has many messages for me. The first is that I will find my own personal power by creating a life of ritual. I need to live in sacred space as that is where I find my own sanity and healing. This card, like the World card, is also telling me to be naked and vulnerable as I move through life. I need to be open with other people and to stop hiding who I am. Lastly, Epona is telling me that I am at a crossroads and I have a decision to make as to where I am going moving forward.




Summary
Overall, these were incredibly powerful cards to draw and provided a lot of guidance as to how to move forward with my life over the next few months.

PREVIOUS BLOG | MASTER LIST | NEXT BLOG

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Don't Fence Me In



The theme of this Blog Hop was taken from the title of the old Gene Autry song "Don't Fence Me In."  While our wrangler, Joy Vernon,  gave us some suggestions for how to approach this prompt, she also gave us permission to let the prompt inspire us and take us wherever it would take us.  This is one of those prompts that has been bubbling in the background since I first read it and I wasn't exactly sure where it would take me.

It ended up taking me back to my roots in DeKalb, IL, which is the home of barbed wire (there's a museum and everything).  I knew that somehow I wanted to incorporate barbed wire into my prompt and also the theme of breaking free from the things that keep us fenced in.  When I sat down in front of my computer to put together a layout, it all came together into the Don't Fence Me In Spread below.


The deck I chose to use for this reading was Leeza Robertson's Animal Totem Tarot because animals should be free and not fenced in and because animals are much better at not overthinking things that we are.  I also love this deck because it is a reminder that the deep lessons do not always come cloaked in darkness, sometimes they come through loud and clear from playful and happy decks.




The swan lovers tells me that it is my own lack of self worth and self love that is keeping me fenced in, especially where love is concerned.  I do not believe I am beautiful enough or sexy enough for love.  Leeza Robertson says, "During this phase of outer evolution the swan must trust that there is nothing missing it its life and that who it is, is perfect by natural design, regardless of the outer reflection others see.  This element of inner beauty and 
inner wholeness is crucial to the power of the Lovers card."  This is powerful stuff indeed and tells me that it is not truly something physical keeping me fenced in, but my own beliefs about my physicality.



The dragonflies on the seven of cups tell me that it is my lack of alignment between my emotional wants and my intellectual thoughts that is keeping me caged.  Leeza says, "The Dragonfly connects the energy of the air with the creative power of water, letting you know that thoughts and dreams really can become real.  But first you have to use the energy of the Dragonfly to align your emotions with your thoughts."  All I can say about this is WOW! because when I am really honest with myself, I can see that this is true.  Emotionally, I want to find the love of my life, but when I think about the reality of marriage, living together, etc., I find myself not wanting to share my house, my bank account, etc. with someone else.  I really like my independence and having a relationship would cut into that to a certain extent.  I think the truth of the matter is that I need to let the relationship that is right to me come to me and not get all caught up in the restrictions.



 The pigeon is telling me that sometimes we need to accept that we are down and bloody and that staying in the same situation will just result in people continuing to drive swords into us.  Sometimes, we have to cut our losses and  move on.  Leeza says, "Your supply has run dry and it's time for you to face it and move on.  Staying where you currently are is only going to bring you more misery." This is an interesting read on the ten of swords and it makes me wonder what emotional place I'm supposed to move on from.  My best interpretation would be that it is time for me to move on and let go of the pain of the past.  I need to stop being a victim and stop expecting that people who have never given me validation in the past are going to suddenly start validating me.  That is not going to happen and I need to let go of that need.  Part of me is staying small because that is what they expect of me and moving out of my little fenced in area will make it that much harder to reconcile with them.



There are multiple ways I could read this card.  The first is that this represents where I am right now as literally two days ago I decided I would start each day by meditating outside in the morning to receive the sun.  I would actively make time to open myself up to receive.  However, the lesson of the lemur may be that I need to balance my receiving with pulling back.  Leeza says, "Sun literally transforms the energy of those things in its presence so they can be luminous.  But the sun can also burn, kill, and destroy, for it is nothing more than a contained ball of fire, spewing its energy throughout our galaxy.  Lucky for you, the Lemur is here to teach you how to deal with this unpredictable force."  I read this as telling me that I need to be cautious about going from all the way closed to all the way open or I will get burned.  My other, and immediate, interpretation of this card is that I need to start sharing spirituality with others instead of always making it a solitary endeavor.  I guess the reality is that both of these are valuable lessons for me.



The message here is that I need to actually pick a destination and not let the tides decide where I want to go.  The message of Stingray is, "Gracefully I make my way through the sea.  Far and wide, near and far, but always with a destination in mind."   This is a powerful message for me because while my life looks successful on the outside, I haven't fully committed to what I want and taken steps to go after it.  There is a part of me that is afraid that if I do commit 100 percent to what (who) my heart desires and I don't get what I want I will be devastated.  Stingray is telling me that I need to commit and that while I may get blown off course, I will know that I have committed.



Being uncaged and free means that I and I alone am responsible for my actions.  Being uncaged means that I have to take responsibility for myself and can no longer play the victim.  I have to grow up and work with people to find a solution that works for everyone versus having my own way all the time.  Crane tells me that "Balance is not just about being even.  Balance is about finding the middle path or making it back to one's own center.  In order to find true balance, one must make sure that one's center is not corrupt or contaminated by the ego."  Letting go of ego is difficult because it means I have to find balance within myself and balance in the larger world and sometimes those things seem impossible.


This card for me is about being comfortable in my own skin and accepting myself as I am.  It's not about watching my weight or torturing myself into anyone else's idea of what a woman's perfect body should look like.  It is about loving myself and my body just the way I am.  It is about accepting I will never be a size six and reminding myself that anyone who cannot accept me just the way I am can just go F* themselves.  That doesn't mean I don't want to be healthy and take care of my body, but it means loving myself just the way I am.  Although the book meaning for this card is all about intellectual appetites and consuming a lot of information before making a decision, Leeza does have this to say, "The great Panda likes to eat--a lot!  In fact, it spends most of its life eating.  You don't get that cuddly by restricting your calories." 


The simple answer to this is to play like children play and to let myself be free to trust other people and myself.  The message of Otter is, "Everything we experience i this physical form is part of a game we call life.  yes, the biggest play of all is the life you came here to live.  But you didn't come here to play alone, as this particular game is not a one player game.  You came here to play with others.  Playing with others is not only good fun, but it's what the soul came here to do."   This is a powerful reminder that I need to get out there and start making friends and start making time to play.

This was an amazingly powerful and deep reading as it reinforced some new behaviors that I'm working on, like meditating in the sun and making time for others, and gave me so new things to think about.



Thanks for stopping by!  Please take some time to hopalong to the next blog or back to the previous blog.









Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: What I could Teach the World


The topic for this Blog Hop was deceptively simple, but remarkably complex.  I debated for days if I even wanted to sign up and even after I did sign up, I procrastinated up to the last minute to write my post because my self esteem has taken a beating lately and this was not a topic wanted to blog on.

The topic our wrangler, Morgan Drake Eckstein gave us was "What I can (could) teach the world.  However, my brain chose to put judgements on this and alter the topic to be, "What I should teach the world and if I don't, I'm a selfish jerk."  Needless to say, that was not a topic I wanted to write on so I procrastinated.

I realized as I reflected on the question and my response to it that before I could answer the question, I had to figure out why I was having such a negative reaction to the topic so I backtracked a little and decided to dig into my negativity.

Why am I having such a negative reaction to the topic?

The Five of Pentacles from the Radiant Rider Waite stepped forward to answer this question and told me that I feel like I'm an outsider looking in.  I feel like no one will listen to me and that I am an outsider who has no hope of finding my way into the warmth. 








What can I do to come in from the cold?

The Devil appeared to tell me that I need to let go of my fears and accept myself for who I am.  I need to unchain myself and let go of the belief that I am not welcome in groups because I weird or different.  This message was incredibly strong and the juxtaposition between being outside the church in the five of pentacles and the devil could not be more clear.  Even though I have made peace with who I am and have accepted that the Christian church is not for me, there is a part of me that feels judged and who feels like I have to continue to hide my beliefs.  I can hear the negative voices in my childhood tell me that I'm just a crazy pagan, who would listen to me?



What else do I need to know?

The Pope/Hierophant showed up to confirm that I am feeling like an outsider and that I feel shunned for my beliefs.  There is a part of me that feels like I need to hide who I am or people won't like me.  This is deep seated religion from my ancestors talking as I'm feeling shunned for wanting to be myself and for wanting to have my own beliefs.  I'm also getting a very clear message that I need to do some deep ancestor work to clear these blockages.

What can I teach the world based on my experiences?

The Ace of Cups is telling me to let love flow through me and to reject being boxed in by orthodoxy.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to share my story and to help others who may be feeling boxed in by their childhood and their past.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to embrace who I am and what I have to offer the world.  The Ace of Cups is also telling me to embrace myself and to let the healing waters of love wash away the pain in my heart. I also need to not dwell on my problems and to embrace creativity as the release of being creative will help my find my way.




How do I find my way to teaching the world?

According to the Magician I have all the tools I already need at my disposal.  I need to open myself up and trust the gifts that I have been given.  I have all that I need within me, I just need to open myself up to the synchronicity of the world and trust that I will be led to where I need to be.  I also need to make a plan and start making an effort to do the training that I want to do and to help the world.

What will the outcome be?
According to the Queen of Cups, sharing my experiences with the world and to help others find the way, I will find my way to my own emotional fulfillment.  I have to realize that the world is a give and take of emotion and that when I hold in all my emotion, I cannot find the love that I seek in this world.

Wow!  Is all I have to say about this reading, there was so much deep and incredibly personal messages here.  I will need to spend some time meditating on this, but I have to say I am really glad I chose to do this blog hop.

PREVIOUS POST|MASTER LIST|NEXT POST


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Daily Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Change, Transformation

Journaling

I just pulled this card a few days ago and it feels like a stalker card.  I don't know what it means that I have drawn this card twice in four days.  I don't know if it means a literal death or if it is about upcoming changes.  I will need to pay attention and see what happens in my life.

January 2, 2018

I'm still not sure why I pulled this card twice in April, but I've come to realize that when I pull this card it is a reminder to let go of the past and embrace the future.  In the past, I've done a really lousy job of embracing the future and letting go of the past.  I tend to hold on to things until they are rotted and purely not redeemable.  There are days I wonder if I could have salvaged at least a working relationship with him if I had not hung on so long.  However, I don't think I could have because of his own issues.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Daily Draw: Hanged Man

First Impressions:  Different perspective

Book:  Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation

Guidance:  Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender

Journaling

This card is actually about sacrifice.  I'm doing what needs to be done to  move forward, but I'm paying a huge price for it.  The fact of the matter is that I'm tired of sacrificing myself for others.  I'm tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don't know how to change it.

January 2, 2018

I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn't my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think.  There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too.  Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no.  I've also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it.  Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.


Monday, April 16, 2018

Daily Draw: Hermit

First Impressions:  Solitude, Holding a light up for others

Book:  Lantern to light the way, beacon to others

Guidance:  You must realize this is a solitary path, distraction may hinder divination

Journaling

There are so many meanings to this card.  It can mean choosing a path of silent contemplation.  I'm realizing that this card is really a reminder to me to take the time for myself that I need to meditate and journal.  I've been so busy that I haven't really made time for me.  I've prioritized everyone else before me and it's showing.  I've let other people make their failure to plan my problem.

January 2, 2019

This is an interesting card for me as I usually read it positively as taking time for myself and taking care of my own needs.  However, some of the work I'm doing with Daring to Love has me asking whether or not I am using the time alone as a time to isolate and avoid interaction.  I don't know what the right answer is.  I know that for me, time alone feels special, but I also know that I can use time alone to avoid other people and to avoid social connections.  I think the key is that I need to figure out what the right mix is for me. 

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Daily Draw: King of Swords

First Impressions:  Drive, taking action, communication

Book:  Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational

Guidance:  Don't cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward

Journaling:

It's time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward.  I don't know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

December 30, 2018

What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts.  It is so helpful to get it all out on the page.  It just helps to have it there instead of festering.  And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.


Saturday, April 14, 2018

Daily Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Change

Book:  Death is the ultimate transformer, sun is foretelling a new beginning, positive change, transformation, renewal, a new life awaits you

Guidance:  Feel liberated

Journaling

The death card is a reminder to let go of what is holding me back and embrace change.  Interesting card as I reflect on yesterday.  I was so scared driving on route 1.  I kept being afraid I was going to plunge off the cliff.  It was much better driving back when I was on the inside. 

I need to take care of myself or the death card will come true.  I'm going to start by giving up bread, then soda.  I'm hoping if I lose weight and quit sugar my numbers will go down.

I also saw a dead sea lion on the beach this morning and that made me so sad, but thanks to the circle of life I remembered that this is just what happens.  We are born, we die

December 30, 2018

I did not do such a good job giving up bread.  It did not help that I ended up at a project at King's Hawaiian and got coupons and free rolls.  What I've realized is that I have to come to a balanced position with bread.  I'm going to make homemade bread one weekend a month and that will be it.  I can give up crappy, substandard bread if I get homemade bread once a month.  I've also mostly given up soda by changing out the ritual.  Now the ritual is to go and buy the Bai instead of soda and it is actually working.  I think the problem with trying to switch to water is that I missed the ritual aspects of it.  I missed the going to the store and searching for it.  That made me savor it more.  I still have some of that with Bai as they don't always have my flavor.

I'm also really worried about this thing on my arm.  I don't think it is cancerous because it is pretty symmetrical, but there could still be something there.  I will just pray that I am taken care of.


Friday, April 13, 2018

Daily Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Feeling left out, empty inside, bereft

Book:  In distress, hope and healing, lonliness

Guidance:  Analyze your limitations, there is solace in companionship

Journaling

I pulled this card as I sat at the beach watching an amazing sunset.  It feels apt because I was so lonely.  Everyone else was there with other people, but I was alone and it hurt to not have anyone to share this beautiful sunset with.  I feel more alone than I have in a long time.  I've always taken being alone in stride, but today it just feels lonely.

December 29, 2018

It's so funny to reread this now as the memories that I have of that beautiful and amazing day are not of how lonely I was, but of how connected I felt to the others on the beach.  I was one of the most spiritual moments of my life to sit there and watch something as ordinary and as miraculous as a sunset.  I was so pleased and amazed that so many other people took the time out of there day to watch the sunset.  As I reread my post and how I pulled the cards, it made me wonder if I was lying to myself or if the loneliness dissipated as I felt myself surrounded by the larger crowd.  I'm going to choose to believe that the sense of connection outweighed the lonliness.

Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life tonight surrounded by about 50 strangers. I drove down to Carmel after work and spent some time wandering around. After an amazing dinner of fresh caught seafood, I wandered down to the beach.
There were about 50 people there, some quietly playing, others sitting and watching the water, and others just wandering around. Pretty soon, the most amazing show on earth started as Sul began to journey down to touch Mama Yemaya. Her bright light laid down a glittering trail upon the water.
As she sunk closer and closer to the waves, people got more and more quiet and everyone turned their faces toward the sun. As she slowly faded, a sense of oneness filled the crowd as we all watched the golden orb sink beneath the waves.
It was only when we could no longer see her that people began to gather there things and walk away with the reverant hush still filling the air.
I found it pretty amazing in this day of movies, TV, and all the other technical distraction that 50 people gathered on a beach on an ordinary Friday afternoon in April to watch the sunset.

Popular Posts