Thursday, June 21, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Don't Fence Me In

The theme of this Blog Hop was taken from the title of the old Gene Autry song "Don't Fence Me In."  While our wrangler, Joy Vernon,  gave us some suggestions for how to approach this prompt, she also gave us permission to let the prompt inspire us and take us wherever it would take us.  This is one of those prompts that has been bubbling in the background since I first read it and I wasn't exactly sure where it would take me.

It ended up taking me back to my roots in DeKalb, IL, which is the home of barbed wire (there's a museum and everything).  I knew that somehow I wanted to incorporate barbed wire into my prompt and also the theme of breaking free from the things that keep us fenced in.  When I sat down in front of my computer to put together a layout, it all came together into the Don't Fence Me In Spread below.

The deck I chose to use for this reading was Leeza Robertson's Animal Totem Tarot because animals should be free and not fenced in and because animals are much better at not overthinking things that we are.  I also love this deck because it is a reminder that the deep lessons do not always come cloaked in darkness, sometimes they come through loud and clear from playful and happy decks.

The swan lovers tells me that it is my own lack of self worth and self love that is keeping me fenced in, especially where love is concerned.  I do not believe I am beautiful enough or sexy enough for love.  Leeza Robertson says, "During this phase of outer evolution the swan must trust that there is nothing missing it its life and that who it is, is perfect by natural design, regardless of the outer reflection others see.  This element of inner beauty and 
inner wholeness is crucial to the power of the Lovers card."  This is powerful stuff indeed and tells me that it is not truly something physical keeping me fenced in, but my own beliefs about my physicality.

The dragonflies on the seven of cups tell me that it is my lack of alignment between my emotional wants and my intellectual thoughts that is keeping me caged.  Leeza says, "The Dragonfly connects the energy of the air with the creative power of water, letting you know that thoughts and dreams really can become real.  But first you have to use the energy of the Dragonfly to align your emotions with your thoughts."  All I can say about this is WOW! because when I am really honest with myself, I can see that this is true.  Emotionally, I want to find the love of my life, but when I think about the reality of marriage, living together, etc., I find myself not wanting to share my house, my bank account, etc. with someone else.  I really like my independence and having a relationship would cut into that to a certain extent.  I think the truth of the matter is that I need to let the relationship that is right to me come to me and not get all caught up in the restrictions.

 The pigeon is telling me that sometimes we need to accept that we are down and bloody and that staying in the same situation will just result in people continuing to drive swords into us.  Sometimes, we have to cut our losses and  move on.  Leeza says, "Your supply has run dry and it's time for you to face it and move on.  Staying where you currently are is only going to bring you more misery." This is an interesting read on the ten of swords and it makes me wonder what emotional place I'm supposed to move on from.  My best interpretation would be that it is time for me to move on and let go of the pain of the past.  I need to stop being a victim and stop expecting that people who have never given me validation in the past are going to suddenly start validating me.  That is not going to happen and I need to let go of that need.  Part of me is staying small because that is what they expect of me and moving out of my little fenced in area will make it that much harder to reconcile with them.

There are multiple ways I could read this card.  The first is that this represents where I am right now as literally two days ago I decided I would start each day by meditating outside in the morning to receive the sun.  I would actively make time to open myself up to receive.  However, the lesson of the lemur may be that I need to balance my receiving with pulling back.  Leeza says, "Sun literally transforms the energy of those things in its presence so they can be luminous.  But the sun can also burn, kill, and destroy, for it is nothing more than a contained ball of fire, spewing its energy throughout our galaxy.  Lucky for you, the Lemur is here to teach you how to deal with this unpredictable force."  I read this as telling me that I need to be cautious about going from all the way closed to all the way open or I will get burned.  My other, and immediate, interpretation of this card is that I need to start sharing spirituality with others instead of always making it a solitary endeavor.  I guess the reality is that both of these are valuable lessons for me.

The message here is that I need to actually pick a destination and not let the tides decide where I want to go.  The message of Stingray is, "Gracefully I make my way through the sea.  Far and wide, near and far, but always with a destination in mind."   This is a powerful message for me because while my life looks successful on the outside, I haven't fully committed to what I want and taken steps to go after it.  There is a part of me that is afraid that if I do commit 100 percent to what (who) my heart desires and I don't get what I want I will be devastated.  Stingray is telling me that I need to commit and that while I may get blown off course, I will know that I have committed.

Being uncaged and free means that I and I alone am responsible for my actions.  Being uncaged means that I have to take responsibility for myself and can no longer play the victim.  I have to grow up and work with people to find a solution that works for everyone versus having my own way all the time.  Crane tells me that "Balance is not just about being even.  Balance is about finding the middle path or making it back to one's own center.  In order to find true balance, one must make sure that one's center is not corrupt or contaminated by the ego."  Letting go of ego is difficult because it means I have to find balance within myself and balance in the larger world and sometimes those things seem impossible.

This card for me is about being comfortable in my own skin and accepting myself as I am.  It's not about watching my weight or torturing myself into anyone else's idea of what a woman's perfect body should look like.  It is about loving myself and my body just the way I am.  It is about accepting I will never be a size six and reminding myself that anyone who cannot accept me just the way I am can just go F* themselves.  That doesn't mean I don't want to be healthy and take care of my body, but it means loving myself just the way I am.  Although the book meaning for this card is all about intellectual appetites and consuming a lot of information before making a decision, Leeza does have this to say, "The great Panda likes to eat--a lot!  In fact, it spends most of its life eating.  You don't get that cuddly by restricting your calories." 

The simple answer to this is to play like children play and to let myself be free to trust other people and myself.  The message of Otter is, "Everything we experience i this physical form is part of a game we call life.  yes, the biggest play of all is the life you came here to live.  But you didn't come here to play alone, as this particular game is not a one player game.  You came here to play with others.  Playing with others is not only good fun, but it's what the soul came here to do."   This is a powerful reminder that I need to get out there and start making friends and start making time to play.

This was an amazingly powerful and deep reading as it reinforced some new behaviors that I'm working on, like meditating in the sun and making time for others, and gave me so new things to think about.

Thanks for stopping by!  Please take some time to hopalong to the next blog or back to the previous blog.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: What I could Teach the World

The topic for this Blog Hop was deceptively simple, but remarkably complex.  I debated for days if I even wanted to sign up and even after I did sign up, I procrastinated up to the last minute to write my post because my self esteem has taken a beating lately and this was not a topic wanted to blog on.

The topic our wrangler, Morgan Drake Eckstein gave us was "What I can (could) teach the world.  However, my brain chose to put judgements on this and alter the topic to be, "What I should teach the world and if I don't, I'm a selfish jerk."  Needless to say, that was not a topic I wanted to write on so I procrastinated.

I realized as I reflected on the question and my response to it that before I could answer the question, I had to figure out why I was having such a negative reaction to the topic so I backtracked a little and decided to dig into my negativity.

Why am I having such a negative reaction to the topic?

The Five of Pentacles from the Radiant Rider Waite stepped forward to answer this question and told me that I feel like I'm an outsider looking in.  I feel like no one will listen to me and that I am an outsider who has no hope of finding my way into the warmth. 

What can I do to come in from the cold?

The Devil appeared to tell me that I need to let go of my fears and accept myself for who I am.  I need to unchain myself and let go of the belief that I am not welcome in groups because I weird or different.  This message was incredibly strong and the juxtaposition between being outside the church in the five of pentacles and the devil could not be more clear.  Even though I have made peace with who I am and have accepted that the Christian church is not for me, there is a part of me that feels judged and who feels like I have to continue to hide my beliefs.  I can hear the negative voices in my childhood tell me that I'm just a crazy pagan, who would listen to me?

What else do I need to know?

The Pope/Hierophant showed up to confirm that I am feeling like an outsider and that I feel shunned for my beliefs.  There is a part of me that feels like I need to hide who I am or people won't like me.  This is deep seated religion from my ancestors talking as I'm feeling shunned for wanting to be myself and for wanting to have my own beliefs.  I'm also getting a very clear message that I need to do some deep ancestor work to clear these blockages.

What can I teach the world based on my experiences?

The Ace of Cups is telling me to let love flow through me and to reject being boxed in by orthodoxy.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to share my story and to help others who may be feeling boxed in by their childhood and their past.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to embrace who I am and what I have to offer the world.  The Ace of Cups is also telling me to embrace myself and to let the healing waters of love wash away the pain in my heart. I also need to not dwell on my problems and to embrace creativity as the release of being creative will help my find my way.

How do I find my way to teaching the world?

According to the Magician I have all the tools I already need at my disposal.  I need to open myself up and trust the gifts that I have been given.  I have all that I need within me, I just need to open myself up to the synchronicity of the world and trust that I will be led to where I need to be.  I also need to make a plan and start making an effort to do the training that I want to do and to help the world.

What will the outcome be?
According to the Queen of Cups, sharing my experiences with the world and to help others find the way, I will find my way to my own emotional fulfillment.  I have to realize that the world is a give and take of emotion and that when I hold in all my emotion, I cannot find the love that I seek in this world.

Wow!  Is all I have to say about this reading, there was so much deep and incredibly personal messages here.  I will need to spend some time meditating on this, but I have to say I am really glad I chose to do this blog hop.


Saturday, April 7, 2018

Temperance: Internal and External

One of the best things about Tarot is that the cards are so multidimensional and can be read on so
many levels depending on the circumstances.  I got a first hand glimpse of that today when I pulled Temperance for my daily reading.


Since moving to Cleveland two years ago, I've struggled to make friends, in part because I work as a consultant and generally travel during the week and a lot of social activities are on week nights.  However, when I'm really honest with myself, I use work as an excuse to keep from meeting people because deep down I'm terrified of letting people in and being hurt.  However, the cards have been screaming at me for the last few years that I need to take down my shields and start letting people in.

When Temperance showed up in my reading today, I knew it was about achieving balance in my life by taking the various components of my life and adjusting them to find the right mix for me as what I'm doing right now isn't really working as I cycle between extrovert and introvert and I'm getting burned out.  During the week, I am in pure extrovert mode as I spend my days advising clients, doing presentations, and other extroverted work.  To counter that, I go into introvert mode when I'm at home and have no desire to interact with anyone other than my family.

Temperance is telling me I need to find a way to balance the introvert and the extrovert so that I have the emotional energy that I need to find friends and to build an emotionally satisfying life.  As I was pondering this and the usual excuses came to mind, my guides told me that I could have it all, I just had to let go of my all or nothing mentality.  As I pondered that, I realized they were telling me that I could sign up for book clubs even if I knew there was a chance I wouldn't be able to make some of the meetings.  No one is perfect and if I made the meetings I could, it would be enough. 


Interestingly enough, Temperance provided another more immediate lesson today at the Dog Park.  The dogs were all happily running and playing when a man brought his trained attack English Shepard to the park.  The English Shepard started running and all the other dogs chased him thinking it was just a fun game.  However, anytime another dog came close to him, he growled and went for the dog's jugular.  One by one all the dogs ran away except for our dog, who thought it was still a game, until he got too close and the English Shepard went for his throat.  Luckily, Clark got away without serious injury, but he was pretty shaken up.

My daughter, Cam, went into Mama Bear mode and she got into the dog owner's face and told him he needed to take his dog and leave because his dog was attacking others.  He said the other dogs were attacking his dog, then went on a verbal attack.  My daughter refused to back down and it got ugly.  We, along with the few remaining pet parents, took our puppies into a fenced off area meant for smaller dogs, but the guy continued to yell insults.

We eventually left because it was too stressful to be around the toxic energy.  On the ride  home, we were both a little shaken, but we agreed that after the initial shock of such a negative encounter at a normally peaceful place, we both felt sorry for this man and his dog because they were both so filled with anger that they could not accept or experience friendship or love.  We both said a prayer for the man and his dog and thanked spirit for bringing him into our lives as a reminder that sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away.  It was right for Cam to speak her peace and remind this man that vicious dogs are not allowed at the dog park, but once it became clear he was not going to listen, we could choose to stay and escalate or leave.

In this instance, leaving was not giving up or giving in, it was choosing to walk away for our own peace of mind.  And the lesson from temperance goes back to the word's original meaning:  "moderation or self restraint" was that sometimes it is necessary to restrain our anger and our desire to have the last word in order to have peace.

All in all, it was a magical day that lived up to the meaning of temperance.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Ritual to Honor My Grandmother Babcock

My grandmother and I had a difficult relationship and if I'm really honest with myself, I acknowledge that she had a difficult relationship with most folks. As I get older and reflect on her life, I have realized that she had an undiagnosed mental illness and she probably coped the best she could.  She and my mother had a very sick and codependent relationship.  She gave away my mother's wedding gifts to her son (my mom's brother) because he got married around the same time and apparently needed them more, she gave my brother and I cheap junk from the dollar store for Christmas while my cousins got expensive gifts.  And she played games with money by rewriting her will to whoever was in favor.

I saw my mother chase after the cruel woman my entire life.  My grandmother would treat my mother like garbage, my mother would swear she was going to have nothing to do with her, and my grandmother would have a crisis and my mother would go running.  I grew up believing that no matter how bad you were treated, you had a duty and an obligation to take care of family.  It's no wonder that I grew up and became a codependent.

My grandmother was shuffled from nursing home to nursing home as her head games and violence caused her to be kicked out of multiple homes.  She finally ended up the same nursing home as my father and my poor mother struggled to take care of them both.  I said my goodbyes to her before she died more out of duty than any sense of love or loyalty.  When she died, I honestly felt relief more than grief.

It was only when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar and started to exhibit questionable behavior that I began to wonder if my grandmother had had undiagnosed mental illness that caused her to behave cruelly to others.  I knew she had been trapped in an unhappy marriage and my emotions shifted from anger to more sympathy and I began to think about honoring her rather than dishonoring her.  I set about finding photos, a copy of her obituary, and anything else I could gather.  I also pulled the Queen of Pentacles from the Art Tarot deck, which quoted Mohammed, "Riches are not from an abundance of worldly goods, but from a contented mind."  And I said a quick prayer asking that she find contentment in the afterlife.

The next step was to write her a quick note thanking her for being a part of my life and as I wrote the words, I found that I truly meant them because I had learned lessons from having her in my life.

Dearest Grandmother,

Thank you for being part of my life.  I am sorry for all your struggles and I wish you would have had access to the treatments that Cam has access to.  I honor you for being part of my life.

I then lit a candle and asked for her guidance:

How do you feel about me?

She responded with the Ace of coins.  "You are successful and you make a lot of money and you're smart with your money.  You also don't use it as a weapon, but a tool."  She also told me that I did not need to buy affection.  This was an amazing read because my grandmother respected people with money and I appreciated the fact that she acknowledged I did not use it as a weapon.  The guidance that I did not need need to buy affection made me cry because I've spent a lot of time and money in my life placating people and trying to get them to love me because I never felt I was worthy of love.

What guidance can you give me?

She responded with the Page of Wands.  :/"Let go of the anger and cynicism and open your heart and let people in.  Accept that people are imperfect, but that does not mean they are untrustworthy, but that they are human."  This was more very sound advice and it mirrored the advice that my father gave me when I did an ancestor reading for him.

How can I learn from your life?

She responded with the Eight of Swords.  "Do not stay trapped by your own miserly.  I should have chosen to walk away.  Everyone would have been happier if I would have chosen to live life on my terms"  That was an amazingly telling statement as I knew my grandparents were unhappy, but I grew up sheltered and believing that divorce was not an option.  In a lot of ways this carried over into my own marriage and in some ways I became a clone of my grand and was so angry and hurt that I was hateful and mean to everyone.  The difference is that I was aware of my bad behavior and course corrected.

Overall, this was a very insightful reading and while I'm not sure whether it is realistic to think my grandmother has evolved that much in the 10 years she has been gone, the guidance was good and made sense to me so I will take it and reflect upon it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Musical Guidance from the Cardsgu

For this Blog Hop, our wrangler Jay Cassels, to "Unleash your inner Gleek and stand on the balcony and sing for forgiveness as you explore your relationship with Tarot and Music."

I decided the best way to unleash my Inner Gleek was to go to the cards and pull out the cards that reminded me of songs, arrange them into a journey of sorts, and ask the cards for guidance on each of the songs. I used the standard RWS deck as my guide for each question and the Golden Rider for guidance.

One of the most interesting things about this exercise was that for three of the songs, the song I was originally thinking of for each card turned out not to be the song that inspired my readings, the original song was simply a stepping stone to the song that had meaning and that I was meant to read on. As I googled lyrics, the songs that were meant to inspire me found their way onto my screen. I've included both the song I ended up reading on and the original song I'd chosen.

The Fool: Leap of Faith (Lionel Cartwright)
Original Song: Can't Stop Believing (Journey)
Question: How can I take a leap of faith?

The dashing Knight of Cups tells me that the time for protecting my heart is over. I need to open my heart and wear it on my sleeve. I need to be open to love and to the warmth it brings to me. I also need to be open to love coming in unexpected ways and through unexpected channels. The Knight of Cups also tells me that I might need to think about taking a quest to find the love I want instead of quietly waiting for it to come to me.

The Seven of Wands tells me to believe in myself and what I want out of life. This is not the time to slink of quietly into the night. It is the time to stand firm and believe that what I want will come to me. This is not a card about physical aggression or about looking for a fight, instead it is a card about believing in myself and knowing that I am worthy.

The Hermit tells me that all the knowledge I need is within my own soul.  I need to take time for myself and take time to listen to the wisdom of my heart.  I need to calm the chatter and to trust that my heart is wise and right.  I also need to be a beacon of hope for others in how I live my life.  However, this is not telling me to go out and seek students or actively live my life for others.  It is simply telling me that the way I live my life will inspire others.

All told, this was very good advice on how to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe will catch me.  I think the thing that we sometimes forget is that taking a leap of faith doesn't mean going into the wilderness unprepared, it means taking time to prepare and when you are ready taking a leap of faith.

Three of Hearts:  When the Broken Hearted Love Again (Danielle Bollinger)
Original Song:  You Give Love a Bad Name
Question:  How do I love Again?

The Ace of Wands lights the way to new love and reminds me that I am a child of divinity who is creative and inventive.  The Ace is telling me to focus on my own creativity and not worry too much about love.  I have set my intentions and prepared for the journey and done everything I could before taking the leap of faith.  Now I just need to live my life and know that good things will come to me.

The next two cards, the ten and nine of swords, would seem to be negative cards in this reading, but I'm realizing that they are not.  The Ten of Swords is telling me that my heart has been broken and that there will be no pain that will be worth than what I have endured.  I have survived this pain and I will survive any thing else that comes my way.  The Ten of Swords is also a reminder not to be a martyr, but to get up and be a survivor.  And the nightmare card, the Nine of Swords, says it is my own fears keeping me from loving again and not anything concrete.  The Nine is also reminding me that there is a certain element of faith to anything that happens in this world and that I need to let go and quit beating myself up.

Six of Swords:  Come Sail Away (Styx)

Original Song:  Leaving on a Jet Plane

Question:  What am I sailing toward?

The World tells me I'm sailing toward my own self completion and being content within my own skin.  I'm sailing toward liberation and letting go of the past.  This is critical for me right now as I'm coming out of a period of letting go of old lessons and hold hurts.  The World is a reminder that I am good enough and that I am complete and whole into myself.

The Queen of Pentacles is a reminder that I am loved and that the universe contains all that I need.  Even though my own mother did not provide me with the firm foundation I needed, the Queen of Pentacles and the Goddess herself will provide for me.  They will nurture me and love me and provide for my needs.  The Queen of Pentacles is all about security and about knowing that there are people in my life who are there for me.

The Knight of Pentacles tells me that I am sailing toward people who will be there and who are trustworthy.  I'm leaving behind people who are flaky and unreliable and moving toward a world with people who care about me and are there for me.  I am sailing toward reliability.

Three of Cups:  Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
Original Song:   Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
Question:  What do I have to celebrate in my life?

The Six of Swords tell me that I get to celebrate moving on and leaving my past behind.  I have worked hard to let go of the things and people that are holding me back and that is something I should definitely celebrate.  It has been a lot of hard work, but it is paying off and I am becoming the person I was meant to be.

Although the Seven of Pentacles would seem to be an odd card for a celebration, it is the celebration of the stillness and the ability and willingness to take a pause.  I am a recovering drama addict and even today there are times when my mind would rather be feasting on drama versus stillness.  The Seven of Pentacles reminds me of how far I have come and that I can relish peace and quiet.   Buying a house has really taught me patience as I've realized that I do not have the time and money to fix the entire house at once.  I have to be patient and do things as I have time and money.

Life has its ups and downs as the Wheel of Fortune reminds me.  Sometimes life is amazing and wonderful and other times it is not.  The WoF tells me that I should celebrate life in all its glory.  I need to be grateful for all the good things that come into my life.  The WoF also tells me that in the short term, good things are coming my way.

The Sun:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Original Song:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Question:  What are the lessons of the sun?

The Magician tells me that I have the power to manifest my own destiny.  All the tools that I need are at my finger tips, I just need to choose to utilize them.  The Magician also tells me that I am a channel for power and that I must respect that channel and not take it for granted.

The Eight of Wands is about taking action quickly and not about analysis by paralysis.  The Eight of Wands also tells me there is a possibility of a love connection with someone I know or with someone who is just coming into my life. 

The Three of Cups tells me to celebrate the goodness and wonder in life.  It is time to put aside the worry that is weighing me down and raise a cup to the goodness of life. I deserve to have happiness in my life and I deserve to know that I matter.  I know from experience that even though sometimes it seems that keeping our nose to the grindstone is the right course of action, taking time to celebrate can often feed our souls and make us that much more productive when we do go back to work.

Although I had my doubts when I first read this prompt as to whether or or not I could do it justice, my guides came through for me and guided me to a reading that made sense for me.

Use the links below to navigate to the previous blog, the master list, or the next blog.

Happy Hopping!

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 28

The departing message from my shadow is...

Dreamer Princess gives me the gift of telling and of sharing what I know with others.  She also is telling me that I do not need to be attached to whether or not they receive my message.  All I need to do is speak from the heart.  There is also a warning that I need to be straightforward with people and not use my gifts to manipulate.

Maker Four tells me to hold on to what is mine, but is also a precaution against being greedy.  I need to build my own stability, but also find a way to let others in and contribute to the greater world. 

Dancer Queen tells me to find and dance my own truth.  I need to let go of all the bullshit in my life, including the lies I was told as a child about my own worth.    I am brilliant, beautiful, and amazing and I am worthy of having friends and a lover.  Unlike the messages that I continually got told as a child, my life is about more than other people.  My life is my own and I get to choose who shares it and what I do for other people.

Shadow Work Day 27

What is the main thing I have learned about myself and relationships?

The Sun tells me that I am perfect just the way I am and that it is my right to bask in the warmth of the sun, of the love of people in my life, and in the love of the gods.  I am part of a larger community and I am perfect just the way I am no matter how imperfect that may seem.  The Sun is also telling me that it is time to leave behind all the things that are keeping me from enjoying my life and that it is time to step forward into freedom.

Dancer Prince tells me that passion is my birth right.  I deserve love and passion in my life.  However, he also cautions me against losing myself in passion and going over to the dark side.  I need to keep my perspective in all things.

Warrior Three tells me that I am not alone.  I am surrounded by people who are ready to step forward and help me, if only I ask for help.  I do not have to go it alone, but can be part of a team moving forward in life and love.  From a romantic perspective, this card tells me that I need to tell the gods what I want and be sincere in asking for it.

Shadow Work--Day 26

Going forward what does my attitude on relationships need to be?

Maker Ten tells me that I create my own stability and that I need to own that.  If I have a poverty consciousness around relationships or finances, then that is what I will create.  Just as I have created wealth around material things, I can also choose to create wealth around relationships by having an open heart and being loving.  One of the key things about creating emotional wealth is knowing that I am worthy of having friends and relationships.  I am not some hideous monster to be hidden in the corner, which is what I sometimes thing.  I deserve love and friendship.

Dreamer Six is about taking a journey and choosing what to take with me and what to leave behind.  I can choose to drag around all the drama from my childhood or I can choose to learn the lessons from my childhood and take those lessons with me and leave behind the pain and the bullshit.  There is nothing to be served by dragging the pain and drama with me.

Dancer Nine tells me that my relationships and my life will be what I dream into being.  I can choose to hide under the covers in fear or I can choose to dream a beautiful and amazing life for myself.  This card is also about opening my heart and inviting people in.

The bottom line from this reading is that I can choose what my relationships look like.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 25

What am I settling for in my relationships?

Warrior Three is about waiting and watching.  For me, it represents sitting on the sidelines while other people are in center stage.  This card is also about teamwork and being part of a larger group.  I don't want to be part of a larger group.  I want to be someone's one and only and not part of a group of friends. 

Maker King in this position is about being my own king and being responsible for myself.  I enjoy being independent and taking care of myself, but sometimes it gets lonely to be the one that is always responsible for taking care of things.

Death is an interesting card to come up in this position and I'm not sure what it tells me about what I am settling for in relationships.  What it may tell me is that I am holding on to things that I should let go of because they are no longer serving my needs.  Sometimes in order to move on, we need to let go of things that are holding me back.  I'm wondering if this card is telling me that I need to let go of my infatuation with someone and cut that cord so that I can have a deeper and more real relationship.  This card is also about shedding and one of my words for this year is shedding as in getting rid of things that no longer serve me.  This card seems to be telling me it truly is time to shed those relationships.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Shadow Work -- Day 24

What am I looking for in my relationships?

Maker Five tells me I want full transparency and honesty in a relationship.  I do not want someone who is hiding anything.  I also want someone who is capable of asking for help and doesn't use passive aggressive tactics to manipulate me.  I want someone capable of having an honest conversation about who they are, what they want from a relationship, etc.

Dreamer Two is all about making decisions.  I want someone who knows what they want and goes after it.  I don't want someone who is purely a dreamer who thinks up great schemes, but never does the hard work required to make things happen.  John had great ideas, but he never had the grit and the gumption to bring them to fruition.  I need someone with grit and gumption who will actually follow through.

Maker Two echoes that theme in telling me I want someone who takes responsibility for their life.  Who is capable of owning their mistakes and who doesn't constantly blame others for their sorry state in life.

All of these cards are telling me that I want a grownup and not a little boy. 

Shadow Work -- Day 23

At this point, what am I refusing to accept about my shadow and my relationships?

Dancer Six tells me that I cannot be the center of the universe at all times.  Other people have their own things going on and I can't expect everyone to constantly drop everything to take care of my emotional needs.  If everything is constantly drama, than no one will be there for me when i really need people to support me.  This card also  tells me that I need to let go of the crappy messages that I learned in my childhood.  Those messages are not supporting me and are not helping me to grow as a person.

The Tower tells me that I am refusing to accept that people will like me for who I am without the mask on.  I love this version of the Tower because it shows a mask being blown away which tells me it is about the fakeness and the illusions being blown away.  I always feel like I have to be someone else in order for people to like me.  I have to do something for them, I have to buy them something, etc.  This card is telling me that I don't need any of that.  I just need to be myself, but I can't accept that.

Temperance is telling me once again that I need to open my heart.  The heart on the fairy figure is clearly open and the man below is also opening himself up.  Opening my heart is life and love will bring me all that I desire in relationships, but I refuse to accept this.  I continue to look for ways where I can have an amazing relationship without opening my heart, but Temperance is telling me that will not happen.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 22

At this point, what have I learned about my shadow and relationships?

Warrior Ten tells me that I cannot carry the entire weight of a relationship on my own shoulders.  There is a give and take.  I need to let go of my need to "buy affection" or to do more of my fair share of the work so that people will like me.  I need to hold people accountable in both work and personal settings.  That's hard for me to do because I am a people pleaser, but other people have to own their actions and have to own their responsibilities in friendships, in family relationships, and in other relationships.  Part of this is choosing to value myself and choosing to say that if I value myself, I cam not going to carry the burden of always being the one to contact people.  If someone values me and considers me their friend, they need to share the burden of connecting.  If someone does not share the burden of connecting, that tells me that I am a friend of convenience and that I don't really matter to the other person.  And that includes X!  He never reaches out and I'm tired of being the one to maintain our friendship.

Dancer Four tells me that it is not all about me.  I need to get out of my own head and look around me and start forming relationships with people around me.  I do spend a lot of time living in my head, not from a vanity perspective, but from a perspective of being wrapped up in my own world and tuning out what is going on around me.  Cam calls me on that all the time because I am just so wrapped up in my own things that I just don't pay attention.

The Maker card reiterates what Warrior Ten tells me, I cannot be all things to all people in a relationship.  I have to be comfortable being my own shining star and letting other people be their own shining stars.  I also cannot be all things to all people and I have to accept that.  People who want to use me should not be in my life.  I also have to do a better job of drawing boundaries around time with my family, especially C's demands.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 21

What part of my shadow makes me feel insecure about relationships?

Maker Six (six of pentacles) is a card about generosity and being able to both give and receive.  However, the six of pentacles in the Druid Craft tarot, which was the first deck I ever read with, told a tale of an old man being asked to give more than he was able to.  I've been working to view the six of pentacles in a more positive light, but it is hard to overcome first impressions.   For me the Six of Pentacles tells me that I am afraid of getting into relationships where I will be asked to give too much.  I spent 22 years with someone who took all I had to give and demanded more and I am really fearful of getting into that type of relationship again

In my role as Maker Queen, I am very open to the energy of those around me for healing and other purposes.  What I've found is that if I engage with and try to help people who have less than positive energy it drains me and leaves me feeling depleted.  The gift of healing is a tremendous asset, but without proper shielding it can also leave me feeling energetically drained.

The Magician always makes me feel insecure about relationships because I am really good at manifesting stuff, but I have not been able to manifest the loving relationship that I want in my life.  It makes me wonder if I am being punished for something I did in a past life or if the person who is right for me is not available, or why I haven't manifested the relationship I dream of.

Shadow Work-Day 20

What pare of my shadow do I need to use less?

Warrior Two is the card of power awakening and although power awakening is a a really good thing, it can also be a little overwhelming.  I now that I can overwhelm people sometimes with my attitudes, my thoughts, and my power and while I will never choose to be less than again as I was with my ex, I will choose to listen more and talk less.  I'm learning that sometimes raw power needs to be moderated and dialed back to enable and support people versus overwhelming them.

Warrior Two gives me the gift of courage and helps me to jump into the middle of new situations and make my way to the other side.  However, courage is something else that can be scary for other people especially if I set the expectation that I think they are a wuss if they do not have the same level of courage that I do.  This is something else I need to moderate and practice holding people's hands and guiding them versus pushing them off a cliff.

The Hermit tells me that I love to retreat into myself and shut people out.  That is intimidating for people and people often take it personally.  In reality, it is not meant personally it is just me needing my personal space and doing what I can to protect and care for myself.  One of the things I can do to take care of myself better and not put up the huge shields is make sure I take care of myself all along and not let myself get so run down that the only way I can recover is to isolate myself.

This was an incredibly powerful reading and although it is a great reminder that I am a very strong and fierce person, it is also a reminder that sometimes there is strength in dialing back our capabilities.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 19

What part of my shadow do I need to use more?

Maker Four tells me I need to learn to say no to obligations, etc. that are not in my best interest.  I shouldn't say yes to things that mean I end up spending the entire weekend working with no down time.  I need to learn to set better boundaries.  It also means I need to stop using work to escape into and as an excuse to not meet people.

Dreamer Three tells me that I need to feel the heartbreak and let it go.  I need to accept the cleansing relief that letting go of the pain can bring.  I need to lean into the pain instead of running away from it.

Dreamer Queen tells me to think things through and to use my logic and not just my heart.  Dreamer Queen is a stalker card as she has shown up multiple times.

Up until now my readings for this work have been spot on and have made a lot of sense.  I struggled with this reading as the cards did not seem to make sense for the question.  I'm going to continue to pray and meditate on it and the cards may make more sense later.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Shadow Work -- Day 18

What do I need to release to bring my shadow forward?

Tarot of the Sidhe
@Emily Carding

Warrior Two tells me that it is time for me to make a choice about what I really want in life and the last few weeks have helped me to make that choice.  I'd always though that I was a white picket fence kind of woman and that the white picket fence needed to include a husband, but I'm realizing that I'm perfectly content all by myself.  I do not need someone to make me whole and complete and that actually having someone in my life 24/7 is overwhelming.  As I write this, I realize that John probably always recognized at some level that I did not need him and he worked to make me need him.  This card is also about awakening and claiming my power and realizing how strong I truly am.

Dancer Princess tells me it is time to believe in magick and to open my heart and soul to love and joy.  It is time to let go of my cynicism and believe in unicorns and love.  Opening my heart to love means that I might be hurt, but it could also bring me great joy.

Dreamer Princess tells me it is time to clearly communicate my wishes to the universe.  Dreamer Princess tells me it is time to tell the universe what I want and to be prepared to go after it.  By clearly communicating what I do and do not want, I let go of the whispers and the fear.  Claiming what I want seems a little intimidating, but I'm ready to move forward with my life and to get out of limbo.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 17

What is the main cause of my negative traits in relationships?

Dreamer Queen is back to tell me that one of the causes of my negative traits in relationships is that I live in my head and that I prefer books to people.  Oddly enough I lead with my heart at work because I love what I do, in my personal life I very much lead with my head because my head is what keeps me safe.  My heart made the bad decision to marry John so I have to pay for the rest of my life by living in my head.  However, I have a choice and I can choose to take a more balanced approach and listen to both my heart and my head.

Warrior Five tells me that I put obstacles in my own way by continually coming up with excuses to not find love and to not let people in.  I can always find something else to occupy my time or something else to do versus letting people in and spending time with people.

Oh the cards are talkative tonight.  The last card I pulled is the Hermit and that is so true because I would rather stay in my comfort zone than get out and meet people.  Oddly enough, this card rankles me sometimes because my ex used to say I was a hermit and it made me angry because he said it in such a derogatory manner.  When we divorced, I embraced being a hermit because it meant that I could control who came into my life and I didn't have to play by his rules anymore.  However, I may have gone too far and built the walls too high.

Shadow Work--Day 16

What negative aspects of my shadow do I project?

As much as I love the Dancer Two card in its aspect of soulmate, the message it gives me about this question is that I often turn my back to people I love.  If things get too emotionally intense, I will back away and be standoffish rather than be emotionally available and open to another person.  I also tend to pull away when conversations get too personal.  I don't like to let people in because of my fear of being hurt so I walk away and show my back.

The flip side of this is Dreamer Ten which tells me that if I get comfortable with someone I can bleed my emotional pain all over someone else.  Up until recently, I've taken emotional hostages and expected them to be my emotional support human and take whatever pain and ick I've dredged up.  If they pulled back or had their own issues, I got angry because they weren't there for me in the the way I needed them to be there for me.

Dreamer Queen sitting on her pile of books tells me that when I am in uncomfortable situations, I approach them from a place of the mind and not the heart.  This reminds me of my original list of qualifications for a partner.  Because my ex was basically a deadbeat, my first criteria for being with someone was that they made as much or more than I do.  A lot of people pointed out to me that I was ruling out a lot of potential partners on something arbitrary.  They made the argument that a lot of guys were not like my ex and were self supporting and would not have their ego's bruised by someone making more money than they did.  To a certain extent, I see their point, but my fear has kept me from removing that criteria.

As always with the Tarot of the Sidhe, I'm getting a lot of good reads that are truly speaking truths I need to hear.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 15

How do I stop my shadow from stifling relationships?

The Fool is almost too cliched in this reading as he is telling me that I have to take a leap of faith.  I cannot stay in the safety of my own head.  I have to leap out and take risks and meet people.  I also have to trust that even if things don't go as I would like, that there is a plan and that the divine has my back.

The choice is mine, according to Dreamer Two.  I can choose to stay in the darkness and be alone or I can choose to venture out into the sunshine and make friends and have relationships.  I can't blame anyone else for my being lonely if I am choosing to be alone.

Maker Prince brings it home by telling me I can find the gift of connection if I follow the advice of the Fool and Dreamer Two.  I will make friends and I will find the love I am looking for if I am courageous enough to step outside my comfort zone.

And I normally pull three cards, but a fourth card was a tagalong with the Maker Prince and I could not resist turning it over.  It was Warrior Princess, the gift of courage.  This is spirit's way of telling me that I will be given the courage I need to step outside my comfort zone.

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