Friday, February 9, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 9

How does the shadow of past relationships influence current relationships?


The Star tells me that every person I meet will be measured against X and they most likely will come up short.  The problem is that my relationship with X while deep and emotionally intense, was not a full time in your face kind of relationship.  We never lived together, had kids together, fought over bills, etc.  We got to go out and have fun and be on our best behavior.  Ironically, one of the things I always get pissy about when John talks about how wonderful his girlfriends are is that he never was married to them, was poor with them, etc.  I guess I'm being kind of hypocritical because I'm measuring everyone I meet against the same kind of standard.  The other thing the star tells me is that because deep within my soul there is a little part of me that still wants to have a relationship with X, that hope stands in my way of future relationships.

The Magician, in this instance, is a charlatan and someone who is all smoke and mirrors and not who he appears to be.  John was definitely a charlatan.  When I met him he was in program and I truly thought that he believed in the 12 steps and was truly walking the walk.  However, once we moved in together, I realized that he was paying the steps lip service and that he really just wanted to be a party boy.  He also told me that he wanted someone who would walk beside him and be his partner.  He said he didn't want someone who walked in the shadows.  However, when we were together that changed and he was constantly trying to take me down a peg.  I'm afraid of getting involved with someone else only to find out that they are also a fraud.

Dreamer Ten reminds me of drowning in my own blood and not being able to see straight because of the pain that is just pouring off of me.  I am afraid of meeting and getting into a relationship with someone else because I am afraid that I would not be able to stand having my heart broken again.  It hurt so bad and I literally felt like I was crying blood because of my heart ache.  I keep people at arm's length because I am terrified of being hurt again.

These are intensely powerful cards and I can feel the heaviness rolling off of them.  There is a part of me that says how will I ever trust someone enough to get into a relationship with all of this baggage hanging over my head.

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