Sunday, March 25, 2018

Ritual to Honor My Grandmother Babcock

My grandmother and I had a difficult relationship and if I'm really honest with myself, I acknowledge that she had a difficult relationship with most folks. As I get older and reflect on her life, I have realized that she had an undiagnosed mental illness and she probably coped the best she could.  She and my mother had a very sick and codependent relationship.  She gave away my mother's wedding gifts to her son (my mom's brother) because he got married around the same time and apparently needed them more, she gave my brother and I cheap junk from the dollar store for Christmas while my cousins got expensive gifts.  And she played games with money by rewriting her will to whoever was in favor.

I saw my mother chase after the cruel woman my entire life.  My grandmother would treat my mother like garbage, my mother would swear she was going to have nothing to do with her, and my grandmother would have a crisis and my mother would go running.  I grew up believing that no matter how bad you were treated, you had a duty and an obligation to take care of family.  It's no wonder that I grew up and became a codependent.

My grandmother was shuffled from nursing home to nursing home as her head games and violence caused her to be kicked out of multiple homes.  She finally ended up the same nursing home as my father and my poor mother struggled to take care of them both.  I said my goodbyes to her before she died more out of duty than any sense of love or loyalty.  When she died, I honestly felt relief more than grief.

It was only when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar and started to exhibit questionable behavior that I began to wonder if my grandmother had had undiagnosed mental illness that caused her to behave cruelly to others.  I knew she had been trapped in an unhappy marriage and my emotions shifted from anger to more sympathy and I began to think about honoring her rather than dishonoring her.  I set about finding photos, a copy of her obituary, and anything else I could gather.  I also pulled the Queen of Pentacles from the Art Tarot deck, which quoted Mohammed, "Riches are not from an abundance of worldly goods, but from a contented mind."  And I said a quick prayer asking that she find contentment in the afterlife.

The next step was to write her a quick note thanking her for being a part of my life and as I wrote the words, I found that I truly meant them because I had learned lessons from having her in my life.

Dearest Grandmother,

Thank you for being part of my life.  I am sorry for all your struggles and I wish you would have had access to the treatments that Cam has access to.  I honor you for being part of my life.

I then lit a candle and asked for her guidance:

How do you feel about me?

She responded with the Ace of coins.  "You are successful and you make a lot of money and you're smart with your money.  You also don't use it as a weapon, but a tool."  She also told me that I did not need to buy affection.  This was an amazing read because my grandmother respected people with money and I appreciated the fact that she acknowledged I did not use it as a weapon.  The guidance that I did not need need to buy affection made me cry because I've spent a lot of time and money in my life placating people and trying to get them to love me because I never felt I was worthy of love.


What guidance can you give me?

She responded with the Page of Wands.  :/"Let go of the anger and cynicism and open your heart and let people in.  Accept that people are imperfect, but that does not mean they are untrustworthy, but that they are human."  This was more very sound advice and it mirrored the advice that my father gave me when I did an ancestor reading for him.



How can I learn from your life?

She responded with the Eight of Swords.  "Do not stay trapped by your own miserly.  I should have chosen to walk away.  Everyone would have been happier if I would have chosen to live life on my terms"  That was an amazingly telling statement as I knew my grandparents were unhappy, but I grew up sheltered and believing that divorce was not an option.  In a lot of ways this carried over into my own marriage and in some ways I became a clone of my grand and was so angry and hurt that I was hateful and mean to everyone.  The difference is that I was aware of my bad behavior and course corrected.

Overall, this was a very insightful reading and while I'm not sure whether it is realistic to think my grandmother has evolved that much in the 10 years she has been gone, the guidance was good and made sense to me so I will take it and reflect upon it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Tarot Blog Hop: Musical Guidance from the Cardsgu




For this Blog Hop, our wrangler Jay Cassels, to "Unleash your inner Gleek and stand on the balcony and sing for forgiveness as you explore your relationship with Tarot and Music."




I decided the best way to unleash my Inner Gleek was to go to the cards and pull out the cards that reminded me of songs, arrange them into a journey of sorts, and ask the cards for guidance on each of the songs. I used the standard RWS deck as my guide for each question and the Golden Rider for guidance.


One of the most interesting things about this exercise was that for three of the songs, the song I was originally thinking of for each card turned out not to be the song that inspired my readings, the original song was simply a stepping stone to the song that had meaning and that I was meant to read on. As I googled lyrics, the songs that were meant to inspire me found their way onto my screen. I've included both the song I ended up reading on and the original song I'd chosen.



The Fool: Leap of Faith (Lionel Cartwright)
Original Song: Can't Stop Believing (Journey)
Question: How can I take a leap of faith?

The dashing Knight of Cups tells me that the time for protecting my heart is over. I need to open my heart and wear it on my sleeve. I need to be open to love and to the warmth it brings to me. I also need to be open to love coming in unexpected ways and through unexpected channels. The Knight of Cups also tells me that I might need to think about taking a quest to find the love I want instead of quietly waiting for it to come to me.

The Seven of Wands tells me to believe in myself and what I want out of life. This is not the time to slink of quietly into the night. It is the time to stand firm and believe that what I want will come to me. This is not a card about physical aggression or about looking for a fight, instead it is a card about believing in myself and knowing that I am worthy.

The Hermit tells me that all the knowledge I need is within my own soul.  I need to take time for myself and take time to listen to the wisdom of my heart.  I need to calm the chatter and to trust that my heart is wise and right.  I also need to be a beacon of hope for others in how I live my life.  However, this is not telling me to go out and seek students or actively live my life for others.  It is simply telling me that the way I live my life will inspire others.

All told, this was very good advice on how to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe will catch me.  I think the thing that we sometimes forget is that taking a leap of faith doesn't mean going into the wilderness unprepared, it means taking time to prepare and when you are ready taking a leap of faith.



Three of Hearts:  When the Broken Hearted Love Again (Danielle Bollinger)
Original Song:  You Give Love a Bad Name
Question:  How do I love Again?

The Ace of Wands lights the way to new love and reminds me that I am a child of divinity who is creative and inventive.  The Ace is telling me to focus on my own creativity and not worry too much about love.  I have set my intentions and prepared for the journey and done everything I could before taking the leap of faith.  Now I just need to live my life and know that good things will come to me.

The next two cards, the ten and nine of swords, would seem to be negative cards in this reading, but I'm realizing that they are not.  The Ten of Swords is telling me that my heart has been broken and that there will be no pain that will be worth than what I have endured.  I have survived this pain and I will survive any thing else that comes my way.  The Ten of Swords is also a reminder not to be a martyr, but to get up and be a survivor.  And the nightmare card, the Nine of Swords, says it is my own fears keeping me from loving again and not anything concrete.  The Nine is also reminding me that there is a certain element of faith to anything that happens in this world and that I need to let go and quit beating myself up.






Six of Swords:  Come Sail Away (Styx)

Original Song:  Leaving on a Jet Plane

Question:  What am I sailing toward?



The World tells me I'm sailing toward my own self completion and being content within my own skin.  I'm sailing toward liberation and letting go of the past.  This is critical for me right now as I'm coming out of a period of letting go of old lessons and hold hurts.  The World is a reminder that I am good enough and that I am complete and whole into myself.



The Queen of Pentacles is a reminder that I am loved and that the universe contains all that I need.  Even though my own mother did not provide me with the firm foundation I needed, the Queen of Pentacles and the Goddess herself will provide for me.  They will nurture me and love me and provide for my needs.  The Queen of Pentacles is all about security and about knowing that there are people in my life who are there for me.



The Knight of Pentacles tells me that I am sailing toward people who will be there and who are trustworthy.  I'm leaving behind people who are flaky and unreliable and moving toward a world with people who care about me and are there for me.  I am sailing toward reliability.


Three of Cups:  Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
Original Song:   Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
Question:  What do I have to celebrate in my life?


The Six of Swords tell me that I get to celebrate moving on and leaving my past behind.  I have worked hard to let go of the things and people that are holding me back and that is something I should definitely celebrate.  It has been a lot of hard work, but it is paying off and I am becoming the person I was meant to be.

Although the Seven of Pentacles would seem to be an odd card for a celebration, it is the celebration of the stillness and the ability and willingness to take a pause.  I am a recovering drama addict and even today there are times when my mind would rather be feasting on drama versus stillness.  The Seven of Pentacles reminds me of how far I have come and that I can relish peace and quiet.   Buying a house has really taught me patience as I've realized that I do not have the time and money to fix the entire house at once.  I have to be patient and do things as I have time and money.

Life has its ups and downs as the Wheel of Fortune reminds me.  Sometimes life is amazing and wonderful and other times it is not.  The WoF tells me that I should celebrate life in all its glory.  I need to be grateful for all the good things that come into my life.  The WoF also tells me that in the short term, good things are coming my way.





The Sun:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Original Song:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Question:  What are the lessons of the sun?

The Magician tells me that I have the power to manifest my own destiny.  All the tools that I need are at my finger tips, I just need to choose to utilize them.  The Magician also tells me that I am a channel for power and that I must respect that channel and not take it for granted.

The Eight of Wands is about taking action quickly and not about analysis by paralysis.  The Eight of Wands also tells me there is a possibility of a love connection with someone I know or with someone who is just coming into my life. 

The Three of Cups tells me to celebrate the goodness and wonder in life.  It is time to put aside the worry that is weighing me down and raise a cup to the goodness of life. I deserve to have happiness in my life and I deserve to know that I matter.  I know from experience that even though sometimes it seems that keeping our nose to the grindstone is the right course of action, taking time to celebrate can often feed our souls and make us that much more productive when we do go back to work.

Although I had my doubts when I first read this prompt as to whether or or not I could do it justice, my guides came through for me and guided me to a reading that made sense for me.


Use the links below to navigate to the previous blog, the master list, or the next blog.


Happy Hopping!

























Saturday, March 3, 2018

Shadow Work--Day 28

The departing message from my shadow is...


Dreamer Princess gives me the gift of telling and of sharing what I know with others.  She also is telling me that I do not need to be attached to whether or not they receive my message.  All I need to do is speak from the heart.  There is also a warning that I need to be straightforward with people and not use my gifts to manipulate.

Maker Four tells me to hold on to what is mine, but is also a precaution against being greedy.  I need to build my own stability, but also find a way to let others in and contribute to the greater world. 

Dancer Queen tells me to find and dance my own truth.  I need to let go of all the bullshit in my life, including the lies I was told as a child about my own worth.    I am brilliant, beautiful, and amazing and I am worthy of having friends and a lover.  Unlike the messages that I continually got told as a child, my life is about more than other people.  My life is my own and I get to choose who shares it and what I do for other people.


Shadow Work Day 27

What is the main thing I have learned about myself and relationships?


The Sun tells me that I am perfect just the way I am and that it is my right to bask in the warmth of the sun, of the love of people in my life, and in the love of the gods.  I am part of a larger community and I am perfect just the way I am no matter how imperfect that may seem.  The Sun is also telling me that it is time to leave behind all the things that are keeping me from enjoying my life and that it is time to step forward into freedom.

Dancer Prince tells me that passion is my birth right.  I deserve love and passion in my life.  However, he also cautions me against losing myself in passion and going over to the dark side.  I need to keep my perspective in all things.

Warrior Three tells me that I am not alone.  I am surrounded by people who are ready to step forward and help me, if only I ask for help.  I do not have to go it alone, but can be part of a team moving forward in life and love.  From a romantic perspective, this card tells me that I need to tell the gods what I want and be sincere in asking for it.

Shadow Work--Day 26

Going forward what does my attitude on relationships need to be?


Maker Ten tells me that I create my own stability and that I need to own that.  If I have a poverty consciousness around relationships or finances, then that is what I will create.  Just as I have created wealth around material things, I can also choose to create wealth around relationships by having an open heart and being loving.  One of the key things about creating emotional wealth is knowing that I am worthy of having friends and relationships.  I am not some hideous monster to be hidden in the corner, which is what I sometimes thing.  I deserve love and friendship.

Dreamer Six is about taking a journey and choosing what to take with me and what to leave behind.  I can choose to drag around all the drama from my childhood or I can choose to learn the lessons from my childhood and take those lessons with me and leave behind the pain and the bullshit.  There is nothing to be served by dragging the pain and drama with me.

Dancer Nine tells me that my relationships and my life will be what I dream into being.  I can choose to hide under the covers in fear or I can choose to dream a beautiful and amazing life for myself.  This card is also about opening my heart and inviting people in.

The bottom line from this reading is that I can choose what my relationships look like.



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