Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Daily Draw: Emperor

First Impressions:  Master of his domain, rigid

Book:  Domination of mind over heart is sometimes necessary, now is a time you should find it easier to make choices

Guidance:  Enjoy the assertiveness and confidence that self control and confidence brings

Journaling

I like the message of this card.  I have ot been feeling like the master of my domain lately.  I've been beating myself up and noticing every single screw up.  I'm also in that fearful place I fought so hard to get out of.  I'm feeling like I'm an idiot and as if nothing I say or do matters.  I think I'm feeling like I felt about my mother.  She always had to interject herself even if she had no clue what she was talking about.  The thing is that I am not that person.  I do know what I'm talking about and I do have the credentials to back it up.  I do matter and I am part of the team.

I"m also feeling like I don't matter in my personal life.  I feel like a drudge.  It's interesting in reading the JD Robb book, the used the term fader to describe someone who fades into the background.  I feel like that a lot.  I feel as if no one cares about me.  The thing is that before anyone else can care about me,I need to care about me and I don't do a good job of showing I care about me.

Iagree with my choice to not take drugs, but I don't even check my blood on a regular basis.  I don't get exercise and I do way too much sugar.  Why would anyone else care about me when I don't even do the basics of self care?  I need to spend some time this weekend meditating and truly thinking about whether I want to live or die.  And if I want to live I need to start taking care of myself.  I also need to really look at who I am and what I want out of life and where I'm going.

I don't like living my life in a way that makes it all about others.  I want a life where I matter.

December 25, 2018

This is a card I'm learning to embrace in my own life.  Being the Emperor means that I have to make the hard choices, but it also means that I get to set the course of my own life.  I think the reason that I disliked this card for the longest time is that it made me afraid because every time I had tried to be the master of my fate, someone stepped in and told me that I was doing it wrong, that I didn't have the right skills, or that I needed to put other people first.

What I have learned over the course of the past few years is that when I put myself first, I am better able to make informed decisions.  If I am constantly putting other people first, there is nothing left for me and I end up being angry and resentful.  When I put myself first and take care of my own needs, I can better take care of others.

It is interesting to read the above because I really have made a turn around in how I treat myself.  I check my blood regularly and I track it.  My average has gone from a six month average of 209 to a one week average of 168.  It has been continually going down.  I've also been logging what I eat and while it is really painful some days to have to confess that I ate way too much crap, it also keeps me honest.

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