Monday, April 2, 2018

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Stability, happy and prosperous home

Book:  This could relate to family matters.  This card is about getting what you want and reveling in it

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have, keep plugging away

Journaling

This is an interesting card and I'm not sure how to read it. What my heart is telling me is that this represents a happy and successful love relationship.  I'm currently a 9 of pentacles, a single and successful woman, but this card brings in that loving partnership that I desire.  This card is about the culmination and the partnership.

However,looking at it this way makes me feel something in my life is lacking and there really isn't.  Overall, I'm happy and it is nice to be able to make decisions on my own.  It could also mean that family issues are coming to a head.  Could it be something to do with Charlene?  That s also a possibility and that's more shit I don't want to deal with.

I guess I just need to let go and see what happens because the reality is that until I know more, there is nothing I can do.

December 27, 2018

One of the most important lessons I've learned over the past year is that family comes in all shapes and sizes and that the most important aspects are love, happiness, and stability.  I feel like over the past eight years, the kids and I have really built a happy and stable home where everyone feels safe.  I'm not messing around and delaying getting home because I don't want to deal with his anger and rage.  His anger and depression were a thing onto themselves and they really fueled the energy in the home.  It always felt like pins and needles walking in the door and I never knew what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Now, I know that there isn't all the anger and hate and rage.  Sometimes the energy at home gets kind of wonky, but mostly it is calm and peaceful.  I like coming home and knowing that I am safe.  Living with John, I never knew if I was going to be safe.  There was sure to be some kind of putdown or anger. 

The day I really knew how much he was negatively impacting me was the day before his heart attack.  He was downtown on his mini vacation and I was out doing my own thing.  The thing I remember about that day is how free and happy I felt because I knew that I was going home to a safe space because he wasn't there to put me down and hurt me.  At first I felt guilty when he had his heart attack, but I've realized that there is nothing for me to feel guilty about.  He brought this all on himself and I don't need to feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who was angry and abusive.


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