Friday, October 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Strength

First Impressions: Lion, face to face, taming my dragons

Book:  Meeting a challenge in the eye, card of courage, confidence, and determination

Guidance:  Be your most magnificent self

Journaling:

This card is incredibly hard for me because I was brought up to believe that I was weak and that I was nothing without a man to take care of me.  I'm learning that that is not how other people see me and that is difficult for me.  I remember when Blaze told me I was a strong woman and I was insulted.  There is a part of me that really wants to be the damsel in distress.  I want someone to rush in and take care of me and god knows there are days when it is really fucking hard to take care of myself.  There are days I hate having to be strong and to bear the entire burden.  However, the truth of the matter is that I've always had to take care of myself as I've never truly had anyone I could rely on to support me and be there for me.  I know my daddy loved me, but he never understood me and he never understood my drive to be my own person.  He also raised me to believe that women were second class citizens.  And my mother was even worse as my power threatened her and she constantly wanted me to tone it down and be demure.  That wasn't in my personality so as a result, I ended up being strong, but then second guessing myself.

It is so hard for me now when I hear J call me a strong personality as I don't see myself that way.  I see myself as on the verge of getting fired every day.  I don't see that what I've accomplished and I downplay my accomplishments.  Cam told me I was ballin, as in being a ball buster, for the dead email and for my SAP email.  I don't think it's that big of deal and I don't know why that impresses people so much.  I also don't see why starting an OCM practice impresses people as I just did what I needed to do to make it work.  There was no real plan, I just did the next right thing.  I think at the heart of it, I want to bail because I'm afraid that people will see that I'm a fraud and that I'm really not as great as all my hype.  I guess that I have a big time case of impostor's syndrome and the reality is that I am as good as my hype and I can do my job and I deserve the praise.  I love Lisa's Blog Post about Strength where she says, " Since then my whole life changed. I had been a rather timid, shy, introvert. I have become more assertive, much stronger and able to lead."  I am able to lead and can outwardly manifest the leadership, but internally I'm a shy little mouse.


Gratitudes;
I'm grateful that Cam is doing better
I'm grateful Sean took Cam to school
I'm grateful for JS' comments
I'm grateful for DS' comments
I'm grateful for taking care of myself
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the work I got done



Thursday, October 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Hearts

First Impressions:  Broken heart, betrayal

Book:  Three needles pierce the heart, one is mending it

Guidance:  Forgiveness heals

Journaling

Cam's heart is breaking today because the prosecutor wanted to move the trial back because of a murder trial.  We pushed back hard because it is really hard to schedule around this trial and it seems that every time we are all set, something happens and it gets pushed back.  I don't think the people in the justice system understand that this wrecks havoc with our lives or maybe they don't care.  I do know that the prosecutors are diligent and good people who are doing a really hard job.  I could not sit there and read through these heartbreaking cases and go to bat for victims. I think I would become numb and it would be very difficult for me to be compassionate.  I also think that it would be hard to switch back and forth between being there for my family and putting up shields to protect myself.  In some ways, this is very similar to what healthcare workers go through when they need to be kind and compassionate, but need to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I'm someone who is passionate about what I do and passionate about making a difference and I can't hold part of myself back and feel like I'm doing a good job.  I think that's what's really hard about where I'm at with work right now is that I'm not all in and I feel like I'm not able to do a good job because I'm not all in.  What's odd is that other people think I'm doing a good job, but I don't.  I think I'm doing a subpar job because I'm not all in.  I don't know what the solution is because the bottom line is that my heart isn't in it anymore and it's hard for me to do a good job.  There are so many times when it really feels like I'm not going through the motions and I'm not someone who likes to feel as if they are just going through the motions.  I like to be passionate about what I do and I like to feel that I'm making a difference.

As I'm reading this, I'm realizing that I'm struggling to find passion in my person life because it feels like there is nothing left for me.  School is fascinating and I am so enjoying it, but it also makes it hard to tarot and do the other things I'm passionate about.  I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that it is something I need to give some thought to.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I stuck up for Cam
I'm grateful that Cam stuck it out at school
I'm grateful that Cam and I were able to talk it out
I'm grateful that I was working at home today
I'm grateful that I made progress at work
I'm grateful that the weather is beautiful

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Swords

First Impressions:  Protecting someone, nastiness

Book:  Boy becomes a pawn in a much bigger game

Guidance:  Be sensitive to others during conflict

Journaling

This card is so true today, but Sean is a grownup and I cannot protect him from his crappy father who takes so much advantage of him and who acts like he is super dad.  The jackass actually wrote me today and said he was just getting Sean a gift card and not engaging in my petty drama.  He doesn't get how he caused the situation with his horrible behavior, by taking advantage of Sean's sweet heart, and using him.  However, I also have to own my share of the drama and I do behave like a baby.  I need to just stay out of Sean's relationship with his dad.  He is starting to see the light about what a stinkhole (Clark's words) he is, but the more I throw a fit and remind Sean how horrible he is, the more I push Sean away.

It is so hard because John is the most abusive person I've ever met and he plays head games to guilt people into doing what he wants and taking care of him.  He has never wanted to work for a living and he truly believes that the world owes him a living.  However, there is nothing that I can do about him except refuse to play his games and refuse to get sucked into his drama.  I was so proud of myself for not responding and just deleting the emails.  I have learned that sometimes the only thing you can do when someone is pushing your buttons is to not respond and to not let them know they've gotten under your skin.

It's been a hard week for me as last week I got Charlene's letter and now I hear from John.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I just need to let go and let god and trust that it is all going to work out.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good sessions
I'm grateful for the support from T & J
I'm grateful for a good call with M.
I'm grateful for the yummy dinner
I'm grateful for the peaceful evening
I'm grateful for not responding to jacka**

Friday, October 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Lovers

First Impressions:  Entwined

Book:  Love can inspire us to grow beyond our boundaries

Guidance:  Choose what to do with the energy

Journaling

Love of all sorts has been on my mind lately as I digest the latest bomb that my mother threw my way.  However, I'm reading the book Shadow Daughter:  A Memoir of Estrangement and it is helping me so much as I'm realizing that I'm not alone and I'm realizing that there are other people who have estranged themselves from their families because of poor treatment.  Some of the stories included in that book really are helping me to realize that I am not alone and that there are other people who walked away because their families made them feel less than.  The book also touched on a lot of the shame that comes around estrangement as we are so wired to be part of a family and we are taught from the time we can walk that families matter and that we should be there for our families.

As much as my mother was the one that did the most damage, I'm starting to realize how much my father contributed to damaging my soul as he taught me that your elders were to be respected no matter what.  It didn't seem to matter how horrible my grandmother treated my mother, she continued to go back for more and she taught me that it was okay for people you love to abuse you and that unconditional love was taking the abuse no matter what.  That's an ugly horrible lesson to learn and one that I have worked hard to not teach my kids.  I think the issue is that my dad grew up with garden variety crazy and he didn't have anyone in his family who was truly evil and when you just have garden variety crazy, the advice to respect your elders makes sense.  However, when you have evil and mean it does not.

Love is one of the hardest lessons in the world because we want to love unconditionally, but we still need to protect ourselves and that is a tremendously difficult dichotomy to understand.  I'm starting to realize that true love can hurt as we are all human beings, but true love should not demoralize or be physically abusive.  True love should always be respectful and the other person's feelings should always matter.  That doesn't mean we don't inadvertently say hurtful things, but we should not set out to demoralize the other person and put them in their place.  I believe true love is about helping the other person to soar and making decisions that are in their best interests.  There may be times when that doesn't happen, but overall we should work to help the other person be their best.  And when we truly have that loving environment, we can soar and we can move beyond our boundaries.

Gratidues

I'm grateful for the call with Jamie
I'm grateful for the support of the team
I'm grateful for the wonderful walk
I'm grateful for the yummy Mexican
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting work done

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Sanctuary

Book:  The Great Mother Guadalupe

Guidance:  Balance your struggles with hope

Journaling:

This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over.  The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help.  We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don't ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking.  I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help.  When I try to do it all myself, I can't and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed.  However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.

The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help.  I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help.  It's a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness.  I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood.  It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back.  Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort.  And it didn't even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness. 

The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a "drunken slut who tried to kill herself."  I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment.  However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment.  I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me.  The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce.  I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her.  I've realized that she always makes it all about her.  She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her.  There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry.  If that was me, I would have led with I'm sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for my new sneakers
I'm grateful for Nothing Bundt Cake
I'm grateful for finding Bai
I'm grateful for hanging out in the house
I'm grateful the dinner out with Cam
I'm grateful for the walk



Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Deliberate Draw

First Impressions:  Eight of Swords

Book:  Raven can easily hop out of circle of swords. The Eight of Swords is a card of empowerment, of moving beyond our limitations into the vastness of eternity.

Guidance:  Most of what traps us is an illusion

Journaling

There are some days that I agree 100% that we have the ability to change our lives and to hop out of the circle of swords, but there are other days when I feel totally overwhelmed by life and feel as if nothing I do matters and that there is no way I can change my life.  I do feel trapped by work and as if nothing that I do matters or means anything.  I know I get paid a whole lot of money to help companies convince people to change their software and most days that feels pretty crappy.  I feel like I'm just helping the man.  I never wanted to go into the corporate world and I never wanted to be locked into working for a paycheck, but here I am.  The worst part is that I don't know how to get out of the gilded cage that I've built for myself.

My heart is in the world of tarot and spirit, but that doesn't pay the bills and I don't know how to find something that speaks to my heart and pays the bills.  The guidance from reading Lisa's blog post on the eight of swords is that I can move beyond my limitations.  I don't know exactly what that means or what I need to do to change my mind or my way of thinking.  I just feel trapped and as if nothing that I do matters because I am going to be on this hamster wheel forever and I'm going to continue to have to spend time doing things that don't matter to me to pay the bills.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the safe drive home
I'm grateful for the good meeting with K
I'm grateful for the yummy Casey's Pizza
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting stuff done

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hermit

Note:  Today is the last of my Tiamat  musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.

Tarot de St. Croix
Dark Goddess Question:  What is the secret of the deep?

First Impressions:  Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude

Book:  Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized

Dark Goddess book:  Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances

Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself



Dark Goddess Tarot
Dark Goddess Guidance:  Trust the momentum of your soul's journey, seek out the still and sacred places

Journaling

The secret of the deep can be found within your soul.  The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction.  I need to look within and find who I really am.  This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can't get the PhD that I was looking for.  I've realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty.  I'm realizing that when don't have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love.  Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn't.  My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn't realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.

I've done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people.  She always made me feel as if I didn't matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people.  She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can't accept that you don't have to make everyone happy with how you live your life.  It's taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I'm okay.  I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I've realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that's okay.  For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her.  That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Far Automotive was able to fix my car quickly
I'm grateful that people gave me recommendations for fixing my car
I'm grateful that I got a good walk
I'm grateful for the good meetings
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the awesome pizza

Monday, September 30, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.


Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity


Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don't need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that Sean got home safely
I'm grateful for bundt cakes with the fam
I'm grateful that I got to Minster safely
I'm grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Fool

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.


Tarot de St. Croix
Dark Goddess Question:  Why is this being sacrificed?

First Impressions:  Laughter, at ease

Book:   Having no idea of where the journey is taking us

Dark Goddess Book:  Dare to come back to where you began

Guidance:  Look beyond our fears to see what is really being sacrificed, trust the journey




Dark Goddess Guidance:  Enter into a new opportunity with trust, but not blindness, allow knowledge to arise in unexpected ways, release expectation and judgement, release shame

Journaling:

Wow!  Once I was able to get past my own fears and read the two of cups as letting go of the walls I've built, this card makes so much sense as it is about letting go of the fears and boundaries that are holding me back.  It is about stepping into the abyss and trusting that I will have what I need.  However, what I love about the reading is that the guidance is to enter into the new opportunity with trust, but not blindness.  This makes sense as it means I'm supposed to trust that I will be taken care of, but I can't be stupid about it and I need to use my head as well as my heart to make decisions.  I love that this card also talks about releasing shame because a lot of what is holding me back is shame.  I was raised to believe that I was not good enough and I have carried that burden deep within my psyche.  However, as I continue to grow and blossom I'm slowly eradicating that message from my life and there are days when it feels like I am a machete to chop through the undergrowth to get to the beautiful me that lies underneath. 

Sheela Na Gig reminds me to "Release the judgement from others that you have turned and heaped upon yourself."  I needed this because as I was reflecting on this card, I got a letter from my mother from whom I've been estranged for almost 10 years because she is a judgmental bitch who always makes me feel bad about myself.  The last time she reached out was on my 50th birthday 3 years ago when she responded to a public post on Facebook with a completely inappropriate comment.  Then she tried to guilt trip me into talking to her and never acknowledged anything she had done.  I sent her a letter and explained why I wasn't talking to her and received nothing in response.  And this letter was more of the same as it was all about her.  There was no expression of remorse and no true apology.  This reminder from Sheela Na Gig means I will not respond and will continue to maintain my boundaries; however, the more important reminder is to know when to cover my heart and when to let my swords fall by my side.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for having time to think and dream
I'm grateful for the work Cam did in getting the Wendy/Clark room cleaned up
I'm grateful for hanging out at home
I'm grateful for the yummy Jambalya
I'm grateful for my home

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Cups

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions:  Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions:  Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book:  Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance:  Celebrate love




Dark Goddess Tarot
Dark Goddess Guidance:  Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love.  However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me.  As I've reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I'm realizing that what I'm being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I've put up to keep me from opening my heart to love.  I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I've barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love.  And it isn't just the physical barriers either, I've also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I'm in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I'm realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it.  I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I've spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist.  However, with the realization that I'm okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship.  My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again.  I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart.  Those are difficult messages for me as I'm really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up.  However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that's not where I want to be.


Gratiudes

I'm grateful for getting my paper done
I'm grateful for having a low key day
I'm grateful for getting a small walk in
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the good weekend with Cam

Friday, September 27, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hanged Man

Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I'm working through messages from this month.


Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Book:  Do something to gain a new perspective, travel into the subconscious

Dark Goddess Tarot:  What has been lost lives in hidden places

Guidance:  Look at life from a different perspective, surrender to what is

Guidance from the Dark Goddess Tarot:  Surrender to the inexorable forces of time, get in touch with your intuition, look at symbols, look at things from a different point of view


Dark Goddess Tarot
Journaling

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I'm comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I've fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I've learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I'm in a much better place.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good meetings with my client
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home
I'm grateful for the Casey's pizza
I'm grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Swords

Tarot de St. Croix
Two of Swords
First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don't seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don't seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don't know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that's hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It's interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn't even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I've also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I've learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I'm avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I've let go of the pain and that I'm open to love that I'm really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I'm not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I've done some of that work, but it seems that it is

Gratitudes

I'm grateful my flight was on time
I'm grateful for the good convo with Tom
I'm grateful for the red jeep
I'm grateful Sean arrived safely
I'm grateful that my hotel is quiet
I'm grateful for the Portillos

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Wands

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature

Journaling

This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I'm feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else's problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won't get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That's interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that's something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the exchange with Sean
I'm grateful Cam is okay
I'm grateful for the conversation with John
I'm grateful for the thank you from Joe
I'm grateful for

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don't even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have.  Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good sessions
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out
I'm grateful for watching NCIS
I'm grateful that I'm employed
I'm grateful that I have peace and quiet
I'm grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests
I'm grateful that Cam is okay

Monday, September 23, 2019

Deliberate Draw: High Priestess

First Impressions:  Magic and mystery, being true to ourselves, ancient female mysteries

Book:  Magic of shapeshifting, ability to fly to other realms

Guidance: Listen to our inner wisdom

Journaling

Isis is telling me that I am the high priestess of my own life and that I need to set my own course.  I will be given guidance, but I need to decide deep within my soul what I want to do.  Do I want to continue to be a wage slave or do I want to explore my passion and change the world?  Most days being a wage slave is easy as it means just showing up and doing my job, but it is really hard for me not to put my heart and soul into something.  I do know that I'm struggling right now as I feel totally overwhelmed and as if I am totally sucking at everything I touch.  That's a really bad feeling because I like to deliver excellence, but that's really hard to do when I'm split between so many projects and I feel like I don't get to know and truly help anyone.

I'm also not feeling like I really get a chance to impact anyone's life as all I do i pop in and out and deal with the science piece of change management.  I want to truly help people and I don't know how to move from what I do now into helping people.  Maybe the first piece is to see if I can set a rate for coaching that would cover my existing salary.  That would give me an idea of what I needed to do to move into a coaching position.  I can also research coaching programs to see if I can get the training I need to get certified.  Those are good first steps.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for Jamie's support
I'm grateful for the good calls today
I'm grateful for the call with David
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for Christy and Carrie being kind
I'm grateful for working through a lot of my backlog
I'm grateful for Tom's kind words


Tarot Blog Hop: What is my Harvest and How Do I Find It?

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For this Tarot Blog Hop, our fearless Wrangler Maureen Aisling Duffy-Boose asked us to contemplate the question of What Is My Harvest and How Do I Find It?  She said, "The Autumn Equinox, also known as Mabon, is the focus of collecting one's personal harvest, including what you have learned, what you have decided is important and what you have decided to get rid of, your plans for making productive use of the autumn and winter months, including thoughts of the holidays that fall within this time, and your own personal viewing and self-exploration of your own inner Being. How have you changed, what are you beginning, and what have you completed, and most significantly, how have you begun to further and more deeply understand your Self?"   I chose to use the Herbcrafter's Tarot by Latisha Guthrie and Joanna Powell Colbert to answer these questions for body, mind, and spirit:

  • What do I need to know about the current condition of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) that I am not aware of right now? (Current Condition)
  • What is the most important thing on which I need to focus in the realm of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) as I move into the winter months? (Most Important)
  • What is the main content and context of the harvest of better health, new ideas, or deeper spiritual resonance, allied with Body, Mind, or Spirit,  that I am going to receive if I focus on these things? (Harvest to Receive)

Body

Current Condition
Horsetail (Ten of Earth) tells me that I am safe and secure and that I need to connect with all that I have been given.  The message I'm receiving as I'm sitting here in my beautiful house is that there is beauty all around me and that I have been given many blessings.   Horsetail also tells me that my body is stronger than I think, but that I need to look to my ancestors for lessons and learn from them.  This is an interesting lesson as what immediately springs to mind is that I need to let go of my sugar cravings and really start to listen to my body.  My mother's family used sugar to number their emotions and their feelings and I need to let go of the sugar so I can really get in touch with who I am and what my body really needs.

Most Important
Alfalfa (Ten of Air) tells me that I need to let go of old body images and things that no longer serve me.  I also need to take time to rest and rejuvenate.  One of the hardest lessons of Alfalfa is to let go of what no longer serves me.  Alfalfa is reminding me that body is not just my physical body, but it is also about my environment and I need to take a critical look at my house and environment and determine what I really need and what can be let go of.  Too much clutter leads to being overwhelmed and staying in a state of chaos.  By letting go of things, I can free up room in my life for what really matters.

Harvest to Receive
Thyme (Madre/Queen of Fire)--Letting go of that which no longer serves me will help meto be present in my body and to live a more physical life.  This means opening myself up to the wonders of the herbs, the wonders of my body, and the wonders of the physical realm.  Life really does occur on all three realms and if I can bring myself back to your body, by shedding that which no longer serves my, my life will become rich and full.  Best of all I will learn to embrace and love my own body.  This was an interesting message as it mirrored the message above which tells me that when I am able to shed the things that no longer  serve me, my life will become richer and fuller.

Mind 

Current Conditions
Plantain (Ace of Water)--Plantain is telling me that my heart is pulling me in the direction of my soul and that I desperately want to listen to my heart, but that my mind is overruling my heart.  Plantain is also telling me that fear is not a valid reason for not listening to the message of my heart.  I'm buying into the fact that the fear feels real even though it isn't.  I'm being asked to step back and feel my feelings without acting upon them.  Anytime I think about leaving a corporate job, I'm hearing my parents telling me that I need security so I redicate myself to a job that I'm good at, but that is sucking up my soul.  I need to step back and accept that the fear is not real and be thankful for all of the skills I have learned in my corporate job.

Most Important
Mullein (Air of Fire)--This is another call urging me to take action and move to a life of soul and purpose.  I'm being asked to seek inspiration and find courage.  This is also another card that is asking me to seek guidance from my ancestors and initially that seems strange to me, but my guides are whispering that I need to look beyond my physical ancestors to the ancestors of my heart and soul and to find the wild women who inspire me.  To call upon Boudicaa, to call about Frida Kahlo, and to call upon other wild women who lived their lives out loud.

Harvest to Receive
Yucca (Adelito of Earth)--This is yet another card of honoring the ancestors and this card is asking me to be creative and unique in how I honor the ancestors.  What I love about this particular card is that it is showing a young woman crafting a Bridget's Cross with a Yucca plant which is drawing a connection between traditions.  I have always been a bridge between something or another and this card is calling upon me to bridge traditions and apply old knowledge in new ways.  One of the ways that I'm being asked to do this is to apply what I know about the world of spirit to the more mundane world and help people find a new way of looking at the world.

Spirit

Current Conditions
Sweetgrass (Curandero of Earth)--This is an interesting card as it is about love and community, but I am truly a very solitary person, but the message I am getting is that I am more of the community than I know.  I am part of the global community of spirit and I can choose to deepen those ties by sharing my gifts more deeply with the community.

Most Important
Echinacea (Three of Air)--Acknowledging and sitting with my sorrow is what will help me heal.  The pain that I have experienced in the past will lead me to be able to help and guide others.  Our pain is meant to be shared, but that doesn't mean we leave it with others, it means that as we share it, the earth will absorb it.  We tend to either want to dump all over people or to not share with people and either way is inappropriate.  The message I am receiving is to learn to listen with an open heart, but not take people's pain.  I can help them ground and help them dissipate their pain, but my role is not to absorb it.

Harvest to Receive
Ocotillo (Adelito of Water)--Nurture your heart through love and beauty, but know that giving your whole heart indiscriminately can head to heartbreak.  Learn to be discriminating and learn to listen with your heart and your head.

Summary

This was my very first time using the Herbcrafter's Tarot and I was impressed by the reading it gave me especially because I have been contemplating moving from a corporate job to something more heart based.  This pull gave me a lot to think about and reflect upon.

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Sunday, September 22, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions:  Creativity, Imagination, Daydreaming

Book:  Youthful energies creating an alternate reality

Guidance:  Transform an old paradigm into something new and playful

Journaling

This card is a reminder that I need downtime in my life to be creative and to come up with unique solutions.  I've been so busy lately that I haven't let myself take time to just be and it's made me short tempered and made me feel trapped.  It's also had me feeling very overwhelmed.  I feel like there is just so much to do that I don't dare take anytime to just walk in the park, smell the flowers, or just be.  I've been pushing myself to just do, do, do and it seems like I'm working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I know part of it is because I chose to take 4 courses this semester which is kind of an insane course load for someone working full time, but at the time I signed up for those courses, I didn't realize that OCM would explode and I'd have more work than I can handle. 

I was sitting on the couch today trying to work on a paper and I just couldn't do it.  My brain could not do it and I realized that I was overwhelmed with everything that was going on and that it is perfectly okay that I can't do everything at once and that I really need to be honest with myself about what is and is not realistic.  I also need to pace myself and not expect that I am going to have everything done the day it is assigned.  I would love to do that, but it isn't realistic and it is perfectly okay to not be a kamakazi about work.  I can do a little bit every day and it will all get done.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the beautiful sunflowers
I'm grateful for the awesome pork chops
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for taking time to meditate
I'm grateful for the mandarin oranges

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Swords

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I've come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I'm realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I've felt as if I didn't have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I'm struggling with as it feels as if I'm using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that's not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don't have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don't have to read it.  I'm just posting the message and that's easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think "selling" gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven't been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I'm taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I'm going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I've historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for spending time taroting
I'm grateful for yummy beans and rice
I'm grateful for my peaceful home
I'm grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

Friday, September 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions:  What goes up, must come down

Book:  Fullness of complexity and life

Guidance: flow with the turning of the wheel

Journaling

As I read this, all I can think of is that this is another version of surrendering. Surrendering and trusting that life will flow as it is meant to flow.  That is such a difficult lesson sometimes as I love to control things, but the lesson I have received so many times in so many different ways over the course of the past few months is to just surrender.  All I can do is show up and do the work that is on my plate and follow the clues of my life the best that I can.  I cannot control all of the outcomes.  It's interesting as I reflect on my life is that this is a lesson that seems to come up again and again and again.  All I can do is do the work, I cannot control what happens.  I like to control what happens and I want to do my best, but at the end of the day there are so many things that are outside of my control.

I used to buy into the belief that I had total control over my life and that if I put the right energy out there, I would get what I wanted.  However, I learned that there is a dark side to that lesson and that if that is the way that life works, then if life does not go my way, I just somehow be at fault.  That is demoralizing thinking and all it does is make people want to give up.  I believe, just as I believed way back in eighth grade when I wrote a paper on the topic, that life is a combination of destiny and free will.  We are presented with certain situations and the decisions we make drive the outcomes of those decisions.  To some that might sound like we are in control of our destiny, but we're not because the situations that come our way are outside of our control.  All we can do is control our reactions and our decisions.  In some ways that makes makes life a lot harder because it means that I can't wrap myself in a bubble and control every aspect of my life.  All I can do is control my actions.  I can control whether or not I get my school work done, but I can't necessarily control which opportunities come my way as a result of school.

All I can do is do the best I can to move forward and that means accepting that sometimes I will be pushed off into the deep end, but that if I accept, surrender, and do my part, I will come back out into the light, but it might not be where I was expecting to come out.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy cupcakes
I'm grateful for waking up with Wen's paw on me
I'm grateful for snuggling with Clark
I'm grateful for clean dishes
I'm grateful for my snuggly comforter
I'm grateful for getting the recruiting deck done
I'm grateful for the cool air
I'm grateful for time spent blogging

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Hierophont

First Impressions:  Peace, Wisdom, Inner mirroring outer

Book:  Leader who uses his status to spread a message of love, hope, compassion, and acceptance

Guidance:  Search for a teacher who channels divine wisdom

Journaling

One of my favorite aspects of the Dali Lama is that he is a spiritual leader who leads without dogma and he lives his life according to his faith.  He doesn't preach that his version of faith is any better or worse than anyone else's and he has lessons that speak to us all.  When I first became a pagan, I thought I was being anti-dogmatic because I was so upset by how Christians acted.  However, what I came to realize was that my anti-dogma was actually dogma because my views of Christianity were so negative that I considered anyone who practiced Christianity as stupid and unworthy of my respect.  However, as time went on, I started to realize that my problem was not really with Christianity, but with the misogynistic version of my childhood.  I'd been brought up believing that Catholics were bad, that Jews were bad, and that women were especially bad.  Those experiences prevented me from seeing the beauty in Christ's messages of healing and love.

It was only when I became a fully actualized grownup and spent some time actually reading the words of Christ and studying his life, that I realized he was a healer and some would say a shaman.  I realized that he appreciated women and treated them as equals and that his was a message of love and not division.  I'm comfortable in my own very eclectic spirituality, but learning the truth about Christianity has helped me to let go of my own dogma as I've realized that dogma in any way shape or form can hurt people if it is based on a doctrine of fear and othering.  I've started to look for teachers and lessons from all faiths as I've realized that most faiths do have something  beautiful and positive to offer.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good call to review recruiting and onboarding
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the creativity Cam and I are expressing
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful for yummy Pizza
I'm grateful for the awesome salad that I had
I'm grateful for being caught up on my homework
I'm grateful for Sean taking the doggos for a walk

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Devil

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone's thumb, inability to act on one's own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It's interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else's control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren't.  I'm sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn't about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I'm so wonderful, being a victim says that I'm a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I'm learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I finished my paper
I'm grateful for the awesome steaks for dinner
I'm grateful for the conversation with David
I'm grateful Scott will be able to see me next week
I'm grateful that I have work to do
I'm grateful for the conversation with Christie
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the awesome salad from Zagara's

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Magician

First Impressions:  Magic, Power, Control, Making things happen

Book:  Rumi bringing gifts on the solstice.  Using will, the elements, and Spirit to manifest that which is desired

Guidance:  Through focused energy we are able to harness the means to create our destiny

Journaling

Interesting that I've been picking a lot of cards about manifesting lately and about using energy to manifest what we want.  This is one of my very favorite images of the magician as I love how he is channeling the cards themselves into being.  Manifestation has been on my mind lately as I think about what it really takes to manifest and how it is not just lighting a few candles and chanting, it is also putting our hearts, our souls, and the sweat of our brow into bringing what we want into fruition.  I've used that formula to manifest lots of things in my life including the very house that I'm sitting in.

The question I'm pondering now is how to manifest things that are more eternal, like love and friendship?  What magick do I do and what real world actions do I take to bring love and friendship into my life?  And how do I do that magick when my life is so crazy and it seems like I'm never in one place long enough to go out and meet people?  This is a quandary that I've been pondering for quite some time as I think about what magick and manifestation means to me.  Maybe the bottom line is that I still need to do some work on loving myself.  I have come so far, but maybe there is still work to do.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy on the couch
I'm grateful for Sean going to get Ohio City Burrito
I'm grateful for getting work done
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out
I'm grateful for the kids taking the dog's for a walk
I'm grateful for both doggos
I'm grateful for Cam getting french fries


Monday, September 16, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Emperor

First Impressions:  Standing the test of time

Book:  Father bringing structure and guidance, confidence, leadership

Guidance:  Cared of empowerment, share our skills to lead others to their own achievements

Journaling

I chose this card because I needed strong structural energy today.  This card is about being the architect of our own lives, being confident, being visionary, and owning our lives.    I feel like I am finally able to do that and to own my life.  I'm comfortable being alone and I'm comfortable being responsible for my life.  I no longer feel like I'm less than and that I need to rely on someone else to be a whole person.  The interesting thing is that I feel it in my whole being as I even walk more confidently than I did in the past.  I stand taller and I stride more confidently.  Coming into your own life is an interesting thing as it is about owning your life.  Owning the good stuff and the bad stuff.  There are things in my life that I don't want to own like sometimes being petty or othering people, but what I have found is that by being able to own the bad stuff, I'm able to take steps to change it. 

As I read that, I realize that this goes back to the 3As in Al-Anon:  Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.  First I become aware of a situation and its negative impacts.  This can come from someone pointing something out or my becoming aware myself of a situation.  The next piece is acceptance and that means accepting my part of the situation and being objective about it.  Acceptance is not about beating myself up or bemoaning my fate, it is about looking at things from a factual perspective and about what I did or did not do to contribute to the situation.  The next step is action, which is figuring what I can do to change the situation, make amends, or learn from for the next time a similar situation arises.  The most uncomfortable part for me of the 3As is acceptance and having to look at my own contribution to situations. 

Applying the 3As and taking ownership of your life means not playing the victim and accepting that even if there are things that are outside of your control, you are still responsible for your response to the situation.  That's another lesson from Al-Anon, learning to respond instead of react.  Responding means taking my time and developing a thoughtful response instead of shooting from the hip.  For me, the process of learning to respond unfortunately can mean working through anger, frustration, and other difficult emotions and I don't always work through those in the prettiest of ways, but I am getting better about it.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that we have power
I'm grateful for the support I got from John and Vince
I'm grateful for the yummy dinner with Sean
I'm grateful that my meetings were over soon
I'm grateful for the good conversation about my PhD
I'm grateful for Ace of Cups
I'm grateful I got to sleep vertically on my bed
I'm grateful Cam is okay

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Knight of Cups

First Impressions:  Capturing the flow, flowing into my heart

Book:  Welcoming feelings

Guidance:  Acting from the heart

Journaling

Acting from my heart is sometimes difficult for me as acting from the heart means that my heart has to be open and I have to be willing to let my love flow out and let love flow in.  That's hard for me.  However, the more removed I am from John and Charlene, the more I am able to act from the art and to accept the love that flows into my heart as real.  I've always assumed that people wanted something from me and had the feeling that no one could love me for me.  However, the last few years I've been able to just act from my heart and do what needs to be done.  Sometimes, that means I need to make time for people when I really don't have it, but when I am able to put aside the work and just be present for people, amazing things happen.  The paper I need to write will always be there, but the people I love may not.  That means learning to be more patient and loving with Wendy as well.  It is frustrating for me when she wants to totally be in my face, but that is her way of showing love and the more I am able to open myself to her love, the calmer she gets and she's able to just cuddle instead of love bombing.

One of the hardest parts about opening my heart is opening it without expectations.  I've had to let go of the expectation that if I open my heart than I will the romantic love that I desire.  I've had to learn to just open my heart without any expectations of being loved back.  That's incredibly hard as there is a possibility that I will be hurt.  However, when I go down that path, I think about the amazing dogs that I've had in my life and how despite coming from horrible and potentially abusive backgrounds, they've been able to open their hearts up and love fully and deeply.  They are just able to be in the moment and to love and it is an amazing thing to witness.  And when they do receive love they just blossom.  I need to be more like the doggos.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy apples
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for the Krispy Kremes
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful that Sean appreciated the donuts
I'm grateful for the beautiful day
I'm grateful for finishing my paper

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  Maintaining emotional stability

Book:  High emotions and positive feelings

Guidance:  Enjoy a surge of emotions, particularly love, joy, and hope

Journaling

Listening to Cam's testimony this evening was one of the hardest things I've every done as I needed to help her by asking hard questions when all I wanted to do was comfort her.  However, even though I am angry about what happened, I am so glad that she survived and I am so glad that I am able to be kind and supportive to her.  She's stressed, but she is doing an amazing job of holding up and I am so proud of her.  I did feel a surge of love today as I realized how much love I am surrounded by and it is a good feeling to know that I am in a position to both give and receive love.  After Sean got home, the three of us sat and talked and laughed for a while before going to bed.  Our home is full of such love and support and even when one of us is cranky, we are able to love and support each other.

As I write this, I'm listening to the band Ace of Cups and feeling such peace and joy.  I love their story as they started as a band in the 1960s, but never received a recording contract.  Now there is a resurgence in interest in their music and they are recording.  It is such a great story.  It also made me realize the true power of connection as I discovered there music a few months ago and when I went to Lisa's site today to read about the card, I found they had sent her a note about the deck.  That just made me feel so connected and full of Goddess love.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk with Cam and the dogs
I'm grateful for Sean getting Jimmy John's
I'm grateful for having the time to work on my paper
I'm grateful Cam is cleaning out the "Dog Room"
I'm grateful for sitting outside with Wendy
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the time spent laughing with the kids

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions: Going into battle, shields up

Book:  Warrior for truth and justice, bravery

Guidance:  Make decisions with clarity and focus

Journaling

One of the lessons I've learned over the past 30 years is that being a parent is truly being a warrior.  Cam is struggling right now with the trial coming up and although I'm struggling as well, I need to put my shields up and be strong for her.  I need to protect her and take care of her and be a warrior to make sure she gets treated fairly and she gets what she needs.  That isn't easy because there is a part of me that wants to break down and cry with sadness over the situation and there is a part of me that wants to march into battle and take down whoever hurt my child.  I want to go all mama bear and slay any beast that hurts my child.  However, I cannot fully protect her from going to trial, she is going to have to stand up on that witness stand and speak her truth.  She is going to have to be brave and strong and stare down the person that did this to her.

And while I am happy to be her knight in shining armor and go into battle for her, there is a part of me that wishes I had someone standing in my corner who was willing and capable of being my knight in shining armor.  I wish that I had someone to rely on who was there to slay my dragons.  I know that I'm capable of slaying my own dragons, but there are days it would be really nice to have someone to slay them for me.  Sometimes I think that I have my shields up all the time and that I not only keep away the bad guys, I also keep away the people that I would like to have in my life.  I'm realizing that I don't know how to put down my shields and be at peace.

I think I need to figure out how to do that.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for the beautiful drive to Kent
I'm grateful that Cam is doing Ok
I'm grateful for the good meeting with Davey Tree
I'm grateful for the good skype with Ted

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