Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw:

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains

Journaling:

I'm so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I'm struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I'm terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she'll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I'm going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he's not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don't even know how to name.  All I know is that I'm going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps. 

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Cam is doing okay
I'm grateful for the nice weather
I'm grateful for not blowing up at anyone today
I'm grateful for being safe and snug in my hotel room
I'm grateful for standing up for myself
I'm grateful there are jobs to apply for
I'm grateful for the support from our internal team
I'm grateful for Vince's email

Monday, August 19, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Knight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Earthly, blossoms in the field, creating

Book:  Turning ideas into reality, visionary

Guidance: Use your drive to create

Journaling

I was afraid I was going to get bogged down in emotional stuff today or not get anything done because of constant emails, etc.  However, I kicked ass  and took names today as I worked through a proposal, got an SOW reviewed, and did a lot of other work.  I also made some time to work on school work.  Most importantly, Cindy and I are collaborating on a proposal to do research to study the best way to roll out Cultural / Spiritual Competency assessments.  This is something that Templeton actually is interested in so we might actually get a grant.

One of the things I've had to relearn lately is that when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I default to old coping mechanisms that aren't healthy for me or for anyone in  my life.  My emotions have been all over the place because I've been struggling with feeling guilt and anger over Cam getting assaulted.  I know a lot of it is because I feel totally out of control and as if there is nothing that I can do about it.  All I can do is pray that things will work and that is annoying me and pissing me off because I want to control the outcome.  I don't trust the court system and having to trust them is annoying and makes me angry.

However, I also know that when I let myself get all swirly over what I think the outcomes are going to be, I cause myself problems and unnecessary angst.  I was all swirly over my conversation with Ted tonight and it turned out to be a good conversation.  Now whether or not anything comes of it, I don't know.  I may still have to report to Jamie, but at least I've had my case heard and been listened to.  That's something.



Gratitudes
I'm grateful I got the proposal for OV done
I'm grateful for the good call with Joe
I'm grateful for the great conversation with Ted
I'm grateful for feeling supported
I'm grateful for Rising Appalachia
I'm grateful for the amazing watermelon

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Pay Attention,

Book:  Remembering Wholeness

Guidance:  Skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance

Journaling

I initially picked this card because one of its associations is collaboration and for me this week is all about collaboration.  We all need to share knowledge and work together in order to create amazing things.  However, that being said, I belief it is also true that skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance and that is part of why I am in this class.  For me, I am starting to realize that true abundance has very little to do with the size of my paycheck.  My paycheck pays the bills and provides me with stuff, but it really doesn't bring me much abundance.  In fact, being unhappy at work is one of the worst feelings in the world because I put my whole heart and soul into work so when that positive emotion is not returned and I'm shit on, it's really hard for me to deal with and I've been shit on a lot lately.  However, none of that matters because at the end of the day it is just work and there are other jobs out there. 

What I have found so amazing about this week is how the ideas are flowing and how everyone is sharing and listening to each other.  I have learned so much about religion, spirituality, and health and it really makes me realize exactly how much I have to learn and made me realize how much I have to contribute if I can figure out how to get my PhD and make it work.  I don't know what that looks like and I don't know how to do it, but I will just keep opening up and listening to spirit and I will figure it out.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Dr. Oliver was interested in my presentation
I'm grateful that Jason sat with me
I'm grateful that I didn't get pinged too much from work
I'm grateful for the yummy whoppers
I'm grateful for hanging out with Cam and chilling
I'm grateful to Sean for sending pics of the dogs
I'm grateful Charmin listened

Monday, August 12, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Page of Swords

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I'm found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I'm feeling right now is that I'm not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don't know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I'm definitely changing.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for people being interested in my background
I'm grateful for being included in the Qualitative Research Group
I'm grateful for being in such a beautiful space
I'm grateful for all the great information
I'm grateful for the awesome hummus place that Clam and I went to for dinner
I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for Jeanette

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Cups

First Impressions:  Friendship, having fun

Book:  Three friends having fun

Guidance:  Cherish friendship and emotional bonds with people

Journaling

I don't have a lot of friends in my life and I'm not good at making friends and just hanging out with someone else.  I have to admit that when Heather first reached out to me, my first instinct was to say no because I didn't want to expend the emotional energy to meet someone else.  However, I am so glad that I said yes and that we went out and had a good dinner.  We share a lot of the same interests and values and it was awesome to talk to someone who gets the things I'm interested in.  It was very comfortable, relaxed, and awesome.  She also admitted to me that she doesn't have a lot of friends and that it's hard for her to meet people.  I really felt like we bonded.

Cam and I also had a great day visiting the lemur research center, going to the yarn store, and just hanging out.  We also went to The Holy Rose which is a wonderful Pagan Store in Durham and I spent about 10 minutes just meditating in front of the Virgin Mary statue.  It was really nice to just sit there and let her love wash over me.  I felt her presence so strongly and she brought me such a sense of love and peace.  It also made me want to commit to set up an actual altar where I worship on a regular basis as I think there is an amazing sense of piece that comes from having a place that collects energy.  I also know that it has to be a private place as anything I put in a public place becomes a junk heap.

I was also happy that I had time to just hang out by myself and destress.  I don't get a lot of time by myself without having a ton of obligations so it was really nice. 

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for visiting the amazing lemur and seeing how cute they are
I'm grateful for finding an awesome yarn store for Cam to visit
I'm grateful that the Residence Inn let us check in early
I'm grateful that our rooms face the woods
I'm grateful that Heather reached out to me
I'm grateful that Cam was okay hanging out by herself
I'm grateful for meeting Heather and for the amazing dinner

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Empress

First Impressions:  mother and child, nurturing, loving

Book:  Great mother who nurtures and provides

Guidance:  Open ourselves to what we need, give and receive love

Journaling

Today was a pretty incredible day and I did a good job of opening myself up to what we need to give and receive love.  I opened myself up to having a good day, to being in a place to receive all the amazing blessings that I have in my life and to just be with Cam.  We went to Raven & Crone in Ashville and it felt really good to be around pagans and to soak up the good energy.  It's funny how I can usually put myself into Pagan Standard Time as I was pretty annoyed when they were a few minutes late opening, but once I got in there I just let myself enjoy looking, smelling, and just being.  Can and I went to the Folk Art Center and the art is just amazing as people have taken traditional Appalachian folk arts and used them to create things of beauty.  We also wandered around in a little mountain town that happened to be having a festival and I got a wood spirit carving for our house.

Next stop was Bat Cave and Cam and I were able to find the mountain stream that we'd happened across 10 years earlier.  We had kind of vaguely known where it was, but we knew enough that we were able to find it.  We stopped at Bat Cave Apple Barn and we paid a dollar to park.  Then we picked our way down the rocks until we got to the Broad River.  We ended up sitting with our feet in the water and it was an amazing way to cool off.  Cam later told me that she was a little afraid that I'd end up falling and breaking my head, but I made it down to the river and was incredibly proud of myself.  We also wandered into a little store along the side of the road and the lady had a "pet" vulture.  He wasn't caged, but apparently he and his partner regularly visited her.

Spending the day with Cam was such a treat as she is so funny and quirky and always gives me things to think about.  It was also so nice to just let go of work.

Gratitudes

I am grateful for the fun day that Cam and I had
I'm grateful for Cam helping me down to the water
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the yummy peach cobbler
I'm grateful for the Folk Art Center
I'm grateful for wandering around in the little town
I'm grateful for seeing the vulture
I"m grateful for buying a Bat Cave
I'm grateful for Sean taking good care of the critters
I'm grateful for the solitude
I'm grateful for the silliness of Lil' Wen

Friday, August 9, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Six of Swords

First Impressions:  Journeying, venturing out

Book:  Journey out of consciousness

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be led out of the darkness

Journaling

Leaving home and setting out on a trip is always about shifts in consciousness.  It is about leaving behind what is familiar and setting out with only the things we need into the unknown.  Even if the route has been well mapped, there is still a sense of difference and moving into something less familiar.  There is always a sense that there are new lessons to be learned and potential danger even if the road is well traveled.

We had a beautiful drive through Ohio and West Virginia.  We went exploring and found Salt Lake State Park which is a huge park with camping, a cave, and lots of trails.  It's a place that we may venture back to with the dogs for a weekend or for a few days of R&R.  One of the things I love about traveling with Cam is that we just meander, we let ourselves explore the interesting side roads and byways.  I think that's the best part of travel as you see new things and you learn new things.  I know that as we were driving, I had the sense of leaving all my cares behind and finding my way toward peace.

One of the coolest things that happened was that as we were going through the mountains and we were talking about how hitchhikers were dumb and putting themselves at risk, we both smelled perfume or hotel soap in the car.  The smell just came upon us all of the sudden and it filled the car.  Both Cam and I smelled it.  I'm not sure if it was a ghost or what, but it was pretty cool.

We ended our night in a Motel 6 and I always find it funny that I feel so much like it is traveling and vacation when I stay at cheap hotels.  Staying at more expensive hotels always feels like work, which makes sense because those are the hotels I stay in when I work.  There is just a sense of adventure in staying at cheap hotels because it feels so transient and as if this is where we are tonight, but tomorrow we'll be somewhere else.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the beautiful drive
I'm grateful for leaving early
I'm grateful for the conversation with Cam
I'm grateful for the snuggly bed
I'm grateful for Sean taking care of the doggos
I'm grateful for the beautiful moon over the mountains

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Hanged man

First Impressions:  Darkness, clarity, comfortable

Book:  Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity

Guidance:  Travel into the unconscious

Journaling

Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world.  Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness.  It's about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see.  Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness.  Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown.  It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.

Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.  It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves.  It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves.  I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul.  Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was.  Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.

However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am.  I've discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul.  I'm not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person.  And once I've been able to let go of most of the shame, I'm found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person.  I'm finally comfortable navigating in the dark.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the beautiful drive home
I'm grateful for the trip down LSD
I'm grateful for my convertible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for being mostly done with my work

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Cups

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is

Journaling

I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don't understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I'm sad, but I'm really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don't think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn't think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn't think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn't like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn't matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don't need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don't get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn't honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I went out to dinner with the team
I'm grateful that Darshan is talking to Scott tomorrow
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for for getting the car packed
I'm grateful for sitting here listening to the Blues

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Universe

First Impressions:  At home in my own skin, beautiful

Book:  Mind, body, and spirit move in harmony with one another, emblem of wholeness, cycle reaching completion

Guidance:  Know yourself and your place in the world

Journaling

This is a card I hated when I first started working with the World Spirit Tarot.  I hated how fat she is and how she always seemed to turn up to represent me.  However, as I've learned to love myself and to be more comfortable in my own skin, I've started to see her beauty and her wholeness and started to appreciate my own beauty and wholeness.  I find that when I focus on my wholeness and my beautiful spirit, I glow and I'm able to laugh at what comes my way.  That doesn't mean that ugly stuff does not upset me, but it means I am more able to take it in stride.

I love that this is a card of completion and a card of moving into the next phase.  In a lot of ways, this card is the precursor to the fool card as she is whole and complete, but there always comes a next phase and I think the Universe is in that place of celebration before moving into the next phase.  I also love that she is whole and complete in and of herself.  She does not need anyone to complete her.  She is complete all by herself.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good day at work
I'm grateful for the good call with Alliance Laundry
I'm grateful for being at peace with myself
I'm grateful for going to bed early


Deliberate Draw: The Hermit

First Impressions:  Blessed solitude, choosing to live a life of light and dark

Book:  Time alone in contemplation, paring down of the outer world in order to travel deep within the psyche, ability to see within

Guidance:  Spend time alone

Journaling

Today was a true hermit evening.  I left work on time and got back to the hotel before 6 pm.  I watched some TV, worked on my paper, then went to bed at 9 pm.  It was so nice to fall into the complete darkness and let go of all the tension from the day.  I just let myself be alone and in the dark and it felt so good.  Even though I only really had four hours from the time I left work until I went to bed, it felt like a lot longer because I had solitude.  I didn't have to think about work.  I didn't have to think about what was next.  I could just be.

I think that is what's key about Hermit Time, the ability to just be, to not be worried about what's next, or what deadline needs to be met, or about carrying on a conversation, or about meeting expectations.  The need for solitude is a strange one in our society because everyone believes that in order to be happy you have to be surrounded by people, but being surrounded by people actually makes me very unhappy as I feel like I am on stage and not being my true self.  I especially feel that way at work where I am having to meet other people's expectations instead of being able to be myself.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful I had the evening alone
I'm grateful that work was fairly innocuous
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for getting to read and be myself

Monday, August 5, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Lovers

First Impressions: Entwined, enmeshed, oblivious to the world around them

Book:  Union, harmony with others and within ourselves

Guidance:  Be deliberate in your choices, give of yourself without losing yourself

Journaling

And that is the quintessential question, how to give of yourself without losing yourself.  I believe that is the reason that I'm terrified of falling in love again as I don't know if I can give of myself without losing myself and I have fought so hard to find myself and to define myself that I'm terrified of losing myself again.  The last week has brought some deep revelations into my life and I feel as if I'm another step closer to being truly myself.  What I'm finding is that one of the ultimate questions in my life surrounding love is being open to loving myself.  I feel as if I've spent most of my life focused on my flaws instead of my attributes.  I've also always been way too willing to put myself down and allow myself to take a backseat to other people in my life.

It has only been recently that I've started to view myself as a valuable person with something to offer the world and as someone who deserves to live a good life.  Most of my life I've bought into the belief that I was somehow not deserving of the good stuff in life and that I should be grateful for the scraps I received.  However, my thinking has changed lately and I realize that I do deserve a seat at the table and that I should not be grateful for scraps. 

Finding this unity and self acceptance has really helped me to truly love myself and maybe at the heart of it, that's what this card is about, being able to love the disparate parts of ourselves.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful I got back to my hotel at a reasonable hour
I'm grateful for the pictures of Wendy
I'm grateful for a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for getting my work done

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Swords

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

Journaling
The meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner's mind and start from the beginning. 



Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I'm grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I'm grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I'm grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I'm grateful for driving down State Street with my top down
I'm grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

Deliberate Draw: The Moon

First Impressions:  Seeing what is below the surface, reaching for the mystery

Book:  Portal into initiation, searching for answers

Guidance:  Dive deep into our emotions to find our way through the dark night of the soul

Journaling

Driving from Cleveland to Chicago was an interesting trip this time as  I am starting to uncover the depths of my father's complicity into my lack of self confidence and the wounds of my soul.  I've always blamed my mother for acting as if my life was supposed to be all about everyone else and for not supporting me, but as I come closer and closer to getting the director title, I am starting to realize that my father was not innocent in my wounding.  As I look back at my childhood, I realize that I can no longer see my mother as the monster and my father as the saint.  I also realize that I have to take my feelings out of the equation and see my father as the flawed human being that he was instead of seeing him as my adored father.  I have to see him as the instrument of the patriarchy that he was.

My father, who I know loved and adored me, injured me deeply.  When I look beyond the words he said to me, I see the pattern of misogyny that "put women in their place" which in his mind was the home.  My father was always loving and kind, but when I look at things through adult eyes instead of a child's eyes, I see that my mother working menial jobs outside of the home instead of having a true career were the result of my father's beliefs that men should support their families while women took care of them.  I know she had wanted to be a nurse, but that dream died because of his mandate.  At the time, I believed she gave up her dreams willingly for our family, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm also beginning to remember bits and pieces of conversations that happened after I'd gone to bed, conversations about radical feminists and how wrong they were.  I remember the snippets about them wanting to be men and abandoning their role.  Of course, looking back at overheard conversations from 50 years ago, it's possible I confused the word's my father said with the word's I heard on TV.  However, what I can't confuse is the fact that he did not believe in women's equality.  He did not believe that women should hold positions of power or be in positions to influence others.  He would not even attend a church with a woman pastor because he believed there was a biblical prohibition against a woman leading men.

I'm angry as I write this and think about the years that I was robbed of reaching my full potential because I bought into my father's sanctimonious misogynistic bullshit.  However, I also realize that now that I am aware of the situation it is my responsibility to rectify it.  It is my responsibility to do the ritual to let go of the past and to do the work to move forward.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Pentacles

Note:  There will be a slight overlap between decks as I have pulled almost every card in the World Spirit Tarot.  I will be maintaining my commitment to the WST by beginning a new series where I pull the Major Arcana card and related minor cards.  However, I wanted to get Autumn off to a good start by beginning my pulls with the Lisa de St. Croix deck.

First Impressions:  Opulence, being grounded, love

Book: Surrounded by the riches of the earth, embodiment of the earth

Guidance:  Enjoy the senses and share with others

Journaling

Even though the highs are still straying into the 80s here in Cleveland, it is beginning to feel like Autumn.  The last week, I've felt a shift in the air as the nights are getting chillier, the flowers have that wild and crazy vibe I always equate with the last days of summer, and the stores are selling back to school supplies.  This time of year reminds me of the summer that Luke and I spent living on the North Side of Chicago.  John and I had separated earlier in the year, then I'd gotten let go from my job because of my erratic behavior after our separation.  Luke and I had a lot of time to wander around Chicago and I remember walking in our Andersonville neighborhood and seeing all the wild and crazy flowers.   I was sad, but Luke gave me a reason to go on as I had to get up and feed him and take care of him.  He was my reason to live and my lifeline that summer.

I can't believe it has been two years since he passed away (July 30, 2017).  I remember that day so clearly as the night before he had been insistent on sleeping upstairs with me even though he hadn't gone upstairs in a few months and had slept on the couch.  When I got up in the morning, he couldn't make it down the stairs and Cam and I had to put in him a blanket and carry him.  We ended up taking him to the vet and making the humane decision to euthanize him.  His last act of agency was to lay down in the sun so he felt it on his face.  After we called Sean so he could say goodbye, Luke died with his head on my leg and looking at Cam.  We were brokenhearted, but we knew it was the right thing to be.

This will always be a time of endings and beginnings for me

Deliberate Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions:  What comes up, must go down

Book:  Everything on earth moves in cycles, the only promise is change

Guidance:  Stay open to the experience even when things turn for the worse, remember that even the wheel of change has a small spot of quiet in the center

Journaling

The reminder to stay centered even when the world is spinning around is incredibly helpful as I often let myself get carried away by the change. I think this card resonates with me today because I am really feeling the change of the seasons as the flowers are wild and crazy, the vegetables are laden down with the heavy fruits of the season, and there is just a hint of chill in the air.  This beautiful blue orb we call home orbits around the sun and we orbit with it.  There are days when it is warm and beautiful and times when it is dark and cold.  This is so clearly a time of transition and I feel it so strongly this year in the world and in my personal life as it feels like life is rotating up.

However, one of the most important lessons I've learned from being a citizen on this beautiful planet for over 50 years is that things are always changing and that sometimes all we can control is our reaction.  I used to buy into the theory that I was solely responsible for creating my own reality, however, I've realized that is just not true and that there is so much that happens that I can control.  However, what I can always control is my attitude and how I respond to a situation.  I also realize that there are certain circumstances where the appropriate response is to throw oneself on the bed and cry until there are no more tears.  However, even in those situations, there will come a time when the appropriate response is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and figure out a way to go on. 

Gratitudes:

I'm grateful for Scott's email
I'm grateful for walking at the park with Cam and the dogs
I'm grateful for the helpful guy at the Valvoline
I'm grateful for the yummy smoothie
I'm grateful for Wendy wanting to snuggle
I'm grateful my book's were ready
I'm grateful for clean clothes
I'm grateful my air filter came
I'm grateful I got my car cleaned out
I'm grateful for the peace in the house


Friday, August 2, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  Ungrounded, not focused

Book:   Healing and wholeness, calm and peace, pouring out blessings, there is always more love to give

Guidance:  Breathe deeply and feel her healing waters flow through your life

Journaling

It's interesting that I got a bad vibe from this card as I usually get a good vibe from the Star card as it is a card that fills me with hope and reminds me that good things are coming my way.  This card is different than most Star Cards as she appears unrooted as she doesn't have one foot on the ground and isn't kneeling into the water.  Most Star cards are kneeling and I get a sense that the person is rooted in reality.  Maybe the message to me is that hope and healing has to be grounded in reality and that I need to be sure that my love is rooted in reality too.  There is always more love to give, but the question is should you continue to give love.

That was my problem with my marriage is that I thought if I loved more or differently then he would love me, but he had no love to give so my continuing to give love only depleted me.  In a truly giving relationship love flows both ways and the love is continually recycled.  My marriage was not a giving and healthy relationship and the love was only flowing one way and when I got depleted and had nothing left to give, he left.  I know that is not his version of reality and his version of reality paints him as a victim, but he chose to be a victim and he chose to blame everyone else for his mistakes.  I said yesterday that Sean having seen how he treated Michelle opened Sean's eyes to his father's flaws, but I think it has opened my eyes as well.  Seeing how he blamed her for not being able to continue to love him made me realize that he did the same thing to me.

It also helped me to see that love truly is a verb and it is not just something you give, it is something you actively work toward.  It is a million small gestures and it takes work to love someone.  In some ways a bad marriage is very much like a dead end job where you give and give and give and you get nothing back. The love in a marriage has to be mutual or it doesn't work.

However, I do believe that blessings can be unlimited and that I can send blessings to someone without it being a drain on my energy.  I have started to flip my thinking and when I am going to say F* you to someone, I'm going to start saying Be Blessed instead.  It may not impact them, but it will impact me as I'll be putting out positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good call we had about education
I'm grateful that I finished the FICO Deck
I'm grateful that I finished the Procure to Pay deck
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful it is Friday
I'm grateful I didn't eat the Bacon and Egg sandwich
I'm grateful for the yummy watermelon


Thursday, August 1, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seven of Cups

First Impressions:  Choices, delusions

Book:  World of imagination, deepest hopes and fears, danger of getting lost

Guidance:  Bring your visions down to earth, balance creative inspiration with practicality

Journaling

In most decks, this card speaks to me of delusion and of being taken in by the dark side, being consumed by food, by alcohol, be desire.  However, when I look at it as a card of choices and inspiration, it speaks to me of all the things I can have, if I am willing to do the work.  I can even have all of them, but having lived through the "you can have it all era," I know enough to know that I can't have it all at once, but I can have it all in sequence.  Looking at this card from a practical standpoint, I feel as if I'm being asked to choose what is most important and to focus on energy on that, once I've got that plate spinning, I can choose something else.

As much as I hate to admit it, my two priorities right now have to be work and school.  Work is what pays the bills and keeps the money coming in.  And school is my future as it is what fascinates me and what keeps me motivated.  I also know that once I can put that MA after my name, it will help me sell a lot more articles, books etc.  That doesn't mean I won't still work on Cairn by Cairn and putter around my book, but I will stop beating myself up over not spending a lot of time and energy on those activities.  I work at an insane job and trying to build a practice is really hard.  I need to start giving myself enough credit for the things that I do and not beat myself up because I cannot do more.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful the smoothie wasn't horrible
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Joe
I'm grateful for taking care of myself

Tarot Blog Hop: What's in a Name?



Introduction

As the heat of the summer bears down upon us, our wrangler Jay Cassels gave us the fascinating question of "What's in a Name?" as a challenge.  He said, "This month's hop is in many ways following on the idea of timing posed in our last hop at the Solstice. The Wheel of the Year now places us at Lughnasadh or Lammas as it also known. The idea of names got me to thinking about the power that names hold and also the confusion that they hold as well. For this hop, I am asking participants to explore this idea; as always I have presented a few talking points/suggestions but also left it open for the writers muses to take them on whatever journey has come to mind as well..." He gave us several options, but the one that resonated with me was "Challenge yourself: Discuss, show and tell us what life would be like through the cards, if you changed your name..."

I didn't have have to wonder if my life would change if I changed my name, because I did legally change my name eight years ago after my divorce. My birth name was Lorraine Carol Collins, I became Lorraine Carol Enos when I was married, and I legally changed my name to Raine Clara Shakti after my divorce because I no longer wanted my ex-husband's name and I wasn't really my daddy's little girl anymore. I wanted a name that reflected the bold and independent woman that I hoped to become. I chose Raine as a nod to my birth name and because it means Queen in French, I chose Clara because she is a saint who helped me gain clarity, and Shakti because she is the Indian Goddess of Female Empowerment. At the time of my divorce, I needed to claim my power and so I deliberately chose a powerful name.

A little research revealed that one method to figure out your tarot card based on your name is to associate each letter with a number from 1 to 26 (A=1, B=2, etc.). After assigning each letter to a card, add up the value for all the letters in your name. If this number is 1-21, the number equates to the corresponding tarot card (1=Magician, 2=The High Priestess, etc.). As there is no way to get zero using this method, if the sum of the numbers equals 22 it equates to the fool. If the sum of the numbers associated with your name is over 22, then add the digits until you get a number under 22. Here is an example using my birth first name.



After figuring out the formula, I decided to see if the numbers reflected my move from my father's daughter, to my then husband's wife, to being my own independent woman and the results were fascinating.

My First Names (Lorraine & Raine both equal 11)

One of the most interesting things I found in my numerical journey through the tarot was that both my birth name and my chosen name equated to 11 which is either Justice or Strength depending upon the deck.  As I was looking through decks this morning for inspiration and to reflect upon the qualities of those two cards, I was drawn to meaning of the Justice card, depicted by cannabis, from Herbcrafter's Tarot.  "Seek the truth, make informed decisions, and consider the consequences of your actions," according to Lathisha Guthrie.  Reading this, I felt as if my existing definition of the justice card as being about balance and truth took on a new meaning.  When I reflect on Justice as related to my personality, I realize that when I am feeling balanced I do work to find an equitable solution and to find what the right action truly is.  However, when I am out of balance, I am more act to seek blind vengeance than justice.  This card serves as a reminder that my true nature is to seek the truth and to really think about things before making decisions.  It is also a reminder of the importance of balance.

The only deck I have where 11 is actually strength is the Tarot of the Sidhe, the deck I usually work
with for shadow work and that is appropriate here because a lot of times I've let my strength reside in the shadows as I let myself and other people convince me that I was weak and needed to be taken care of.  I've been reflecting upon this a lot as I'm contemplating taking a job as a director and the very word director takes me back to a conversation I had with my father when I was in my 20s.  A woman had applied to a director position in the company I was working with and my father said that she should not get the job because there were men who needed that job to support their families.  As I think about that conversation, I realize that there have been times in my life when I have self sabotaged at work because I didn't think I deserved or should have a higher level position.  The strength card tells me that I have more strength than I give myself credit for.  I was also struck by what Emily Carding wrote about this card as she said that finding strength is about facing our own fears and our own dragons.  That rang so true for me as my dragons were the inadequacy drilled into my head by other people, but since I have realized those are illusions, I've been able to claim my strength.

My Birth Name (Lorraine Carol Collins = 9)

The Hermit speaks of solitude and withdrawal.  This is the card of going within and choosing to listen to our hearts versus the voices of the media and the external world.  There are so many Hermit cards that I love and that speak to me, but for this blog post I've chosen the Hermit from Tarot de St. Croix as I love the image of her coming out of her cave, from her place of contemplation into the world.  In so many ways, the Hermit is my true nature as I much prefer introspective solitude than the bustle of the crowds.  I would much rather curl up with a good book than hit the clubs.  However, the Hermit is also bittersweet to me as it was the taunts my ex would fling at me when we were fighting about going out.  He'd call me a hermit and the way he said the word made me think of madmen holed up in mountain cabins.  Since we have divorced, I've been working to reclaim the meaning of the word as someone who seeks introspection and who does inner work.  It's odd as I write this to think about whether one of the subconcious reasons for changing not only my last name, but my first name was about distancing myself from my ex's hurtful words.  However, the truth of the matter is that we can never truly leave our past behind and the hermit reflects my truest nature.

My Married Name (Lorraine Carol Enos = 14)

I struggled with the relationship between Temperance and my name while I was married as
Temperance implies balance and the magical alchemy that occurs when two things come together and are more than the sum of their parts.  My marriage was not that.  It was a violence mixture of love, hate, passion, and violence.  Much of it caused by my ex-husband's undiagnosed mental illness and ego and my desire for a marriage of equals and not a marriage where I played second chair.  However, as I've reflected on this, I realize that temperance reflects the hopes and dreams I had on the day I took my vows and got married and when I look at it from that perspective, Temperance makes sense.  I normally don't read cards reversed, but I can't help reading the meaning of Temperance reversed and I realize that Temperance reversed truly does describe my life when I was Lorraine Carol Enos.  As Phillip Carr-Gomm write about Fferyllt, which is what Temperance is called in the DruidCraft deck, "You may find yourself involved in arguments, or feeling restless and frustrated.  You may also find that you are going to extremes of behavior or feeling fragmented."  That sums up my marriage nicely as I was constantly frustrated and I was so stressed and on edge lately as I never knew what would make him angry.  As a result, my behavior alternated between being kind and loving and trying to get on his good side to being angry and pissed off because i was so unhappy.

My Chosen Name (Raine Clara Shakti=6)

After calculating the number for my birth name and equating it to the Lover's card, I immediately thought of the traditional meaning of the card which is choices and not really about love.  On the surface alone, this was a lovely correlation as Raine Clara Shakti was a choice.  I deliberately chose to name myself after a Queen, a Saint, and a Goddess in order to claim their power.  At the time I chose my name, I was feeling powerless and choosing my name was a deliberate act to reclaim my power.  My gut instinct also told me that the Lovers card is about balancing our male and female characteristics and that also made sense as moving out of my divorce and into the world as a single woman, I was claiming myself as a whole person and not someone who was defined by another.  Interestingly, as I was looking at cards and through LWBs, I came across The Vision Quest Tarot, which is a lovely deck that I don't use very often.  Gayan Silvie Winter and Jo Dose wrote, "To be able to surrender completely, you must be at the height of your strength.  Most people think only the weak surrender.  But the opposite is true.  You have to have the fortitude to let everything go and to fall into Love itself, without expectations without knowing whether the beloved will respond in kind or not."  This struck me because it reflects a lot of the work that I've been doing lately as I work to come out of my shell and open myself up to to love.  I'm finding that it does take a lot of courage to say, I'm willing to open my heart up and choose to risk heartbreak.

Summary

Journeying through my names and realizing the numerical connections to the cards was a fascinating bit of excavation as I realized how my names have reflected who I was at the time.  It also makes me wonder what the magick of the universe is that makes that happen.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Wands

First Impressions:  Inspiration, light a fire under my ass

Book:  Creativity, strength, power, inspiration

Guidance:  Nurture the seeds of your creativity

Journaling

This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I've been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the yummy detox soup
I'm grateful for John's help
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting paid
I'm grateful for being able to pay my bills

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Four of Pentacles

First  Impressions:  Wanting to share, not sharing, getting credit for sharing

Book:  Honoring the life source that sustains, best insurance for survival is the community

Guidance:  Give with generosity, receive with gratitude, do not depend on what we own for a sense of security, reexamine your relationship with money and material possessions

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me as it seems the people who share their wealth are happy while the hoarder is unhappy and looking with envy at those who give so freely.  The other lesson I'm getting from this is that true happiness does not come from money.  I already know that, but I feel so overwhelmed by bills and the need to pay them and get out of debt that I don't feel I have the wherewithal to step back financially and take a job that makes me happy.  However, I also know that I am learning lessons at my current job that I might not be able to learn anywhere else so I need to learn the lessons and trust that I am being guided toward my future.

I do know that I need to start building alternative streams of income to get my debt paid off and once that is done, I will have more flexibility in terms of salary.  I would love to volunteer at one of the hospitals as a chaplain, but I have absolutely no strength for that.  I'm really hoping that the allergy solution will help me feel better.  It is so horrible to wake up every morning and have no energy and have my face hurt so bad because my sinuses are swollen.

One of the other meanings of this card that wasn't covered in the LWB for the World Spirit Tarot was guarding your heart and this is something that I know that I do.  I am so terrified of getting hurt that I don't let very many people in.  It is really hard for me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  I'm getting better as I've been around people who have really proven themselves to be trust worthy, but it is still hard for me to trust.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful we had Luke for 10 years
I'm grateful Stephanie helped me out
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the dinner we had
I'm grateful for my fun car
I'm grateful that I have money to pay my bills

Monday, July 29, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Cups

First Impressions:  Contentment, secrets, working hard

Book:  Discovering self love and the genuine capacity to love another

Guidance:  Spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature

Journaling

Today was a learning day for me as I realized that emotional intelligence doesn't mean I always think perfectly or don't think of acting in self defeating ways, but it means that I am self aware enough to pull back and look at the behavior and choose a different way.  I am one of the most impatient people on the earth and I want things to be settled immediately.  However, the truth of the matter is that the world does not revolve around me and things that I think are important and urgent are usually just important.

For me the Seer of Cups serves as a reminder that I can know all my flaws and still be able to love myself.  In the past, I've always beat myself up for every little flaw.  However, I've come to recognize that every single person on this planet is flawed and being flawed does not equate to being useful.  I can be flawed and still love myself.  And other people can be flawed and still be lovable.  Cam is the biggest slob on the planet and Sean gets hard headed and stubborn but I still love them.

The other challenge for me is that I don't take the time to show my body the love that it needs and eat healthy.  I am so tired all the time that eat sugar and other unhealthy foods in order to get some quick energy, that then triggers a downward spiral because that makes me sicker, but then I crave more sugar, etc, etc.  One of the things I really need to work on is understanding that giving in to my cravings is not being kind to myself, it is actually hurting me.



Gratitudes

I'm grateful that I got time to work today
I'm grateful for John's appreciation
I'm grateful for Scott's note
I'm grateful for the good call around ECP
I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for a walk with the fam


Sunday, July 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions:  Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book:  Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance:  Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer.  However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now.  My bosses at work have made a decision that I don't believe is in my best interest and I've conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust.  This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others.  I'm terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart.  It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart.  One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I'm also struggling to trust myself.  My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people.  I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over.  Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out.  I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy?  This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn't look happy.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean is on his way home
I'm grateful I'm home this week
I'm grateful for the peaceful house
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest
I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed


Saturday, July 27, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions:  Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book:  Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance:  Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable.  It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in.  In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it.  I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in.  I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he's been so distant lately.  However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust.  In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality.  My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them.  Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach.  I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away.  I can't just bring part of myself to work, I'm either all in or all out.

I think that's why in my heart of hearts I'd rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don't get my way.  I'm not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.



Gratitudes
I'm grateful for taking a nap
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam
I'm grateful for Bai
I'm grateful for Scott

Draw from a Friend: Should I Stay or Should I go

Background:  Work has been tortuous lately and I have been feeling unappreciated and undervalued and I'm wondering if the time has come to move on out and seek a place that more values my efforts.  My flight response is really strong and if it was left to me and I had no one to support, I would have already said F* you, I'm walking out.  However, I do have other people to support and all the cards I've been pulling lately have been about patience and trust so my actions to move on are being restrained.  I reached out to a friend to ask him to pull a few cards for me and he ended up with the draw below.


Instinctively, we both believe that my best course of action is to stay and that that is what our guides and the cards are telling me, but I decided to go ahead and break things down and look at each card individually to get a deeper meaning.

Six of Fire (Wands)--At its essence, this is the victory card and it is about taking the steps you've been longing to take for a while.  If I was reading this on the surface, I could read it as either taking the right steps to move on and make a break.  However, the LWB also says, "Your growing ability to be patient and let things happen of your own accord is the sweetest fruit of your worldly success."  That sentence tells me that I will be rewarded and enjoy victory by continuing to be patient.

Ace of Water (Cups)--The ace of water is about fertility, about opening up and sharing your feelings.  It is a card of fulfillment and openness.  When I read this in connection with all the other messages I've been getting this week, this tells me that I need to be respectfully honest about my feelings and speak up.  It goes along with the guidance that Ted gave me this week about saying, "I feel..." As he said, no one can argue with that.  The key is not getting into You messages and sticking with I messages.  I messages are really hard when I'm wound up.

Nine of Air (Swords)--This card is pretty hard, but realistic.  It is all about hurt, vengefulness, suffering, and the inability to forgive myself or others.  It is telling me that it is time to let the old wounds heal and move on.  This in combination with all the other cards this week that told me it was time to let go of the past and to open my heart and trust is telling me that it is me holding this up.  I stated my case, now I have to trust that it is all going to work out okay.  I need to trust that the people I work with believe in me and value the work I do.  Right now that is hard because I am all caught up in feeling trapped and untrusting, but I need to open up my heart and trust.  Not an easy thing to do, but something I need to do in order to move on.

Knight of Air (Swords)--Ugg!  Another card that is pounding the point home that I need to let go of old messages and old thoughts.  Specifically, "With unflinching clarity you have to recognize struggling with your own inner world, your own phantoms, projections, and identifications will get you nowhere.  I have to let go of the ruminations and trust that it will all work out.  I need to add D and J to my list of loving kindness meditations and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Transformation (Death)--And I am being pounded over the head again!  This card is about transformation and letting go of old patterns.  This card says to not waste energy trying to stop the inevitable and that "you are simply ready to let go of unnecessary baggage."  It's time for me to put down my shields and trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy.

Four of Air (Swords)--This card says that "Doing nothing is most helpful at this point."  In other words, it is time for me to just focus on the work that is in front of me and let everything play out around me.  I need to focus on my workie work, I need to focus on writing, I need to focus on school.  I need to let go of all the drama swirling around me.  I just need to let it all go.  Focusing on the drama and feeding the drama is preventing me from moving on.

Four of Water (Cups)--This card is about feeling the abundance that you have and about being grateful for that abundance.  This card also reminds you that satisfaction can be fleeting and that there is also a period of emptiness, but that emptiness leads to fullness.  Sometimes you have to let go of something to make room for something else.

Summary
With another deck and with other circumstances, I might have been able to read this as it was time for me to leave and move on to something else.  However, when I read this in the context of the other readings and with the messages both Scott and I got from our guides, the message is clear that it is in my best interests to stay.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hierophont

First Impressions:  Rules, being rigid, being uncaring

Book:  Teaching about sacred growth that lay behind everyday reality, offers the best and the worst of past teachings, up to me to decide which to pass on

Guidance:  Comprehend your relationship with the sacred at a profound level

Journaling

I chose this card today because I'm feeling beaten up and abused and totally disrespected.  I ended up with a new boss today and she is the completely wrong boss for where I am in building my practice.  She is learning her new role, has no exposure to what I've been doing, and now I've been asked to give her time to get up to speed.  That is fucking bullshit, why do I have to put what I'm doing on hold because of an org structure change.  I have busted my ass for two years to get here and I'm finally on the verge of actually achieving something and I'm told to wait.  It's like I'm being asked to give more than I have to give.

After I heard the news, I asked for my reporting structure to be changed and outlined my reasons.  I was pretty much told no way in hell, it doesn't matter if you now fail, just wait.  That is such a horrible answer.  My reasons weren't listened to and I felt totally disrespected.  The thing is that my VP is usually pretty awesome so this response just seems like he made a knee jerk response that I was challenging his authority.  My mentor has told me it will all work out and to be patient, but my gut reaction says it won't and that I'll have to start all over.  I feel like I get told everyone else matters more than me and that I will never get ahead.  It is not a good feeling when I work my tail off and always have for everything I've gotten.

However, this card is telling me that there is growth to be had out of this experience.  I hate that message because I'm tired of having everything be a growth experience.  Why can't I just have a good life?  Why does everything have to be a growth experience.  I'm also being told to trust.  I don't do trust.  Trust is the most difficult thing in the universe for me because people I have trusted to do right by me have totally f*ed me over from my mother, to my ex husband, etc.  They deliberately hurt me and they should have had my back.  So now I'm asked to put my financial security in someone else's hands and trust.  The thing is that the people I'm being asked to trust have always done right by me and have always had my back, but this is a whole other level.  I'm being asked to trust that this will turn out. 

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for John's support
I'm grateful for Ted's support
I'm grateful for chilling out outside with the dog's
I'm grateful for the yummy salad
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for the quiet house
I'm grateful for a decent night's sleep
I'm grateful no one broke into the house


Thursday, July 25, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Judgement

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted
I'm grateful I got home on time
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room
I'm grateful for the weather being nice
I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Strength

First Impressions:  Safety, security

Book:  Calm and firm, but not aggressive, living in harmony with her wild nature, knows the source of her strength is love

Guidance:  Tap into the deep sources of strength within you, look at balance

Journaling:

I love this card as it is a reminder that we all have passions and baser instincts, but that we can channel them and live in harmony with ourselves and others.  I don't view this card so much as taming my passions as it is about taming my baser nature.  My baser nature is the side of me that blurts things out before speaking and that doesn't take the time to think through the potential ramifications of my decisions.  Those are still my go to responses, but I'm learning that those may not be the best responses.

One of the lessons that I've really been struggling to learn lately is that sometimes I have to be the grown up in the room and that even when people are behaving badly, I sometimes get upset that I have to alter my approach while other people get to get away with being jackasses.  However, the biggest lesson I learned from my mother is that you cannot save people who do not want to be saved or do not believe they need to be saved.  I also get to choose my response based on what is in  my best interests and if it in my best interests to get along, that's what I'll do while I plan my exit strategy.

Another important lesson is that everyone does not have to like me.  There are some people that I just need to get along with.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean got here safely
I'm grateful Cam took Wendy and Clark for walkies
I'm grateful for some quiet time
I'm grateful for good meetings
I'm grateful for Godfather's Pizza
I'm grateful for the great comments from Pat

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