Sunday, June 30, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Goddess of the Week

Isis calls to us to come and crawl into her lap and to let ourselves be loved.  She is about sinking into a mother's lap and knowing that you are loved unconditionally. I have always had an odd relationship with Isis because she is my matron Nephthys sister.  Isis is, obviously, the more well known of the sisters and she is the one that people think of when they think of Egyptian Goddesses.  She is the mother figure, she nurtures, she provides.  Nephthys has a darker reputation as she was the wife of Set who killed Osiris.  People forget that she was right by Isis side as she mourned her husband.  Because of this history and because Isis is more well known, I've always felt that Nephthys would feel slighted if I got too close to Isis. 

However, as my spirituality and my relationship with Nephthys has matured, I've realized that Isis and Nephthys are two sides of the same coin.  Isis is, for me, the kind and loving mother who takes you into her lap and lets you snuggle while Nephthys is the one who nags you to clean your room.  Both are very important and if  you just grow up with the warm and snuggly mom and don't have discipline, you will grow up to be an entitled jerk.  However, by the same token if you just grow up with the hard ass you will grow up not believing you are worthy of love.  I grew up believing I was not worthy of love because I never got the warm snuggly side of the goddess.  I always got the "clean your room" and "take care of everyone else" side of the goddess. 

In some ways, I think that is why Nephthys showed up for me first as she was the goddess I needed.  Although I saw her warm side and she made it clear that she was in it for the long haul, she also wasn't someone who had a nice warm lap to climb into.  I don't think I would have known what to do if I had encountered a goddess with a warm and snuggly lap.  I don't think I would have trusted her as I was so used to being pushed aside or told I wasn't good enough unless I was doing something for someone else.  Nephthys gained my trust because she was a little standoffish and she showed her love by guiding me and directing me.  I learned that I could scream and yell at her and she would still be there for me.

In learning to trust Nephthys and her not so warm and snuggly love, I've learned that I am worthy of love just for being myself and that I don't need to prove anything or do anything to be worthy of love.  Knowing this has helped me learn to trust love and I think I'm finally ready to just snuggle into Isis lap and let her love surround me.

Deliberate Draw: The Emperor

First Impressions:  Oversight

Book:  Bringing structure to the world of the Empress, protectiveness, productivity, enterprise, force that organizes and rules

Guidance:  Look at your relationship with authority, be honest with yourself, assert yourself, set boundaries

Journaling

I do need to take a look at my relationship with authority because it is not a balanced relationship.  I either get so intimidated by people who are in a position of authority that I turn into a sniveling baby or I adapt my "F* the man" mentality and deliberately go out of the way to provoke authority figures.  I think this has to do with the bad cops that I saw in my childhood, the ones who were abusive, and took advantage of people because of the power that they had.  I am always somewhat leery about people who seek out power because I believe it makes them narcissistic or power hungry.  However, I also know that leaders are necessary because they can provide structure and guidance.

My poor relationship with authority also stems from my childhood and my relationship with my father.  I love my father and he was an amazing influence in my life, but he also had a very misogynistic view of women and thought that women should take a backseat to men because "men had to have the good jobs to support their families."  I was so angry when I told him that a woman was going to become a director at work and he spouted that crap to me.  And at the time I was the primary breadwinner in my family.  I felt that it was incredibly insulting to be told that I shouldn't go after a high powered job because a man needed it more.  This also went against my personal credo about work and that work is a business relationship and not a charity.  Jobs should go to the best qualified and personal need should have no part in making a decision about who gets the job.

This card is also about being honest with myself and what I am and am not capable of.  Historically, I've been a good leader, but not a good manager because I'm good at inspiring people and helping people rally behind a vision, but I haven't been a good manager because I don't like doing the course corrections.  However, when I take a step back and start to view management as helping people to be their best and helping provide them skills to succeed, I believe that I can be a good manager.  I believe the emperor is both a good manager and a good leader as he has the skills to inspire people,but can also set boundaries.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Choosing to let go, choosing to be a phoenix, choosing to stay trapped

Book:  Daunting, death is with us every minute of our lives, parts of us are always dying and being reborn, possibility of transformation

Guidance:  Let go and free up your energies to enjoy what this world has to offer, have trust in the future, bid farewell to the past

Journaling

This is such a hard card, but an amazing card as well because it speaks of the wondrous possibilities that can be had if we are willing to let go of our fear and step into the abyss.  In some ways this card is similar to the fool in that both are about trusting enough to take a difficult step.  The fool is about choosing to step into the unknown and trust that we will soar and this card is about choosing to let go of the past and be reborn.

What is odd to me is that I have always embraced the fool as I've always loved the image of taking the leap of faith and stepping into the unknown.  I think my hangup is that I always viewed the fool as stepping off from a neutral place like a cliff and choosing to believe that there was an amazing future waiting for me.  However, death is about letting go of all the junk that is holding us back.  It is letting go of the people we love who are not good for us, it is about letting go of situations that are not good for us, but are comfortable.  Death is a harder leap of faith because not only we are stepping off the cliff into the abyss, we are stepping away from what is known.

Choosing to let go of things that may be comfortable, but bad for us is really really hard, but if we can take that leap of faith we can be reborn.  This card is also the natural successor to the Hanged Man as the Hanged Man asks us to be willing to give up beliefs that no longer serve us, but Death is choosing to actually give them up.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hanged Man

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you

Journaling:

This is a card that I've never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I'm realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don't have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Wands

First Impressions:  Wisdom, lit from the sun, forward motion

Book:  Creative visions, loving a challenge and opportunity to strategize, only comfortable when he's in charge, intolerant of weakness in himself and others,

Guidance:  Call upon the leader in yourself

Journaling

This is an incredibly interesting card as it speaks to me on so many levels.  I do love to be creative and figure out how to take an idea from a spark to fruition.  That's incredibly fun for me as I love the creativity involved in figuring out the angles, overcoming obstacles, etc.  I think that's the real reason I want to stay at my current job as there is something immensely satisfying in doing something that no one thought could be done and doing it well.  It feed my ego so much to have people tell me that I'm actually making it work.  I also get personal satisfaction out of it as well, especially since I am really starting to see results.  It's interesting because when I met with Cindy she said she was a builder and that applies to me as well.  I love the leadership aspects of building something amazing, but I'm not so good at managing things and having to deal with employees.

It is the other piece of this where I fall down and that's only being comfortable when I'm in charge.  This doesn't exhibit itself as not taking orders from my boss, but it does come into play when I end up having subordinates as I want to micromanage them and I am convinced that they will screw it up and I will have to fix it.  However, when I take a step back and am kind to myself and look at things realistically instead of focusing on my flaws, I realize that in a lot of ways my behavior is completely understandable because the people I have had as subordinates have not really been up to the task.  I had people trying to do quick reference guides who had no idea how to do the transactions.  I also had people who didn't care.  I hadn't actually hired any of these people so it makes sense that it didn't work.  I can do a good job of mentoring and giving good direction when I have the right people working for me.

I have also learned that just because I think something critical doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I'm mean.  It is okay to have those thoughts as long as you stifle them and what comes out of my mouth is helpful.  I'm learning to do that with people at work as there are times I just want to say "What an idiot!"  However, I've learned to stop, redirect, and come up with something helpful.  There is too much meanness in the world, there is no reason that I need to contribute to it.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Pentacles

First Impressions: Goddess of plenty, grounded, transformation

Book:  Loves her body, the earth, and life itself, understanding the cyclical nature of fertility, a caretaker, confidence

Guidance:  Self trust is the most important quality, find your earthy qualities

Journaling

I love the reminder to find earthy qualities within myself.  I am happiest when I am being true to myself and not getting caught up in things that aren't real and honest and true.  The physical world is so important, but we often neglect it as we chase after stuff that doesn't matter.  I know that I've been being much more critical about the stuff I acquire lately.  I've learned that so much of the stuff we acquire is just junk or becomes junk.  That's an interesting lesson because we live in such a consumerist society where we are constantly told that the more stuff we have the better life will be, but I am coming to realize that that is not true.  More stuff is just more stuff.  And the truth of the matter is that no one is going to want all that crap when you die, it will just end up at goodwill.

I'm working at taking a good long look at all the stuff that I own and making decisions about what stays and what goes.  I know that I need a certain amount of stuff in my life, but I don't need all the stuff I have.  I think about people in my family who have storage containers full of crap that they never use.  Not only have they spent a ton of money on stuff that doesn't matter, they're also paying money to store all this stuff. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions: Emotions, floating, messy

Book: Beauty, fragile, discovering self-love

Guidance:  Spend time along journaling, dreaming, or exploring

Journaling:

This card fits where I am today as it is a reminder that loving myself needs to come first.  I sometimes get so caught up in taking care of other people that I don't make time for myself and when that happens I end up getting run down and cranky.  However, when I take the time to love myself and take care of myself, I absolutely glow with love and I can be kind and compassionate to others.  I grew up being taught that taking care of myself was selfish and that it was better to give love to others than to take time to love yourself.  However, all that creates is someone who is very unhappy and resentful of the world.  When I truly love and honor myself, I have energy to love other people.

I've also learned that the biggest way for me to honor and love myself is to set boundaries about what I will and will not do.  I have learned that I need to be firm about the time I need for myself and I need to say no to things that don't work for me.  When I do that and do it in a kind and gentle way, life is way better than if I say yes and am resentful.  I've also learned that I am someone who really needs a lot of alone time and when I make time for myself and have that alone time, I can be sociable.  However, if I don't get that alone time that is critical for me, I just feel depleted and angry.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seven of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Plenty, growth, letting things grow around you

Book:  You have poured yourself into a project, now it can carry itself

Guidance:  Pause a moment, ponder the past, and assess the future, are things bearing fruit as you expected?  Be patient and give yourself time to decide the next step

Journaling

This is not my favorite representation of the seven of pentacles, but I like this card because it has the energy of assessment and waiting.  It is looking at what you've accomplished and trying to figure out what's next.  This is where I'm at right now as I'm looking at my life and trying to figure out what's next.  There is a part of me that wants to say F* it all and go back to school full time, but I also know that I can't afford to do that so I have to figure out how to get where I want to be while still working full time.  I know that saying F* it and walking away is not the answer, which leaves me with deciding whether to stay or go at my current job.

As I read this, I think I have my answer as I'm realizing that my job gives me what I want and need as I have the time to work on school and to continue moving forward while still getting paid.  That is a good feeling.  I don't like the thought of being poor, but I also am kind of bored with work.  I think where I'm at right now is that I can have my cake and eat it as I get paid a significant amount of money and I do have time to work on school

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Deliberate Draw; Seeker of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Seeking knowledge, finding your way, awareness

Book:  Worker bee, wanting security, working slowly and steadily toward it, sacred approach to work

Guidance:  Cultivate trustworthiness

Journaling

For some reason this card reminded me of Cam.  Maybe it was the green and the horses, but this card made me think of her and how hard she works toward her goals.  She has had so many setbacks in her life, but she continues to get up and push forward.  I am so amazingly proud of her and cannot believe she's been in my life for 27 years.  I remember so well the day she was born in the hospital on Okinawa.  I had a C-section and when she was born all the nurses commented on her eyes and how blue they were.  Even though life with John was hard, I would not trade my two kids for the world.

Since today is Cam's birthday, she is on my mind and I am thinking about all the trips we've taken over the past 27 years and how she has bolstered me and been there for me when life has been tough.  I always used to look askance at people who said their mother was their best friend, but in a lot of ways she is my best friend because she is a really good listener and she tries hard to help people when she can.  She is also very smart and dedicated and works hard for what she wants. 

She is also very much her grandfather's granddaughter in her love of animals.  She loves all creatures great and small and I love how excited she gets about seeing the groundhog that lives in the ravine.  She squees when she sees him and she is so cute about it.  Then there is her love for Clark.  He really saved her in ways that no one else can and I am so glad that we have that little black dog in our lives.  He is so "sassy" as Cam puts it and he has more confidence than I have every seen in a dog.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  I love you.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Cups

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday.  We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That's a nice place to be in.


Friday, June 21, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Sun

First Impressions:  Warmth, fun, sun, happy

Book:  Sun brings us deep, but simple joy, life is good, there is nothing to fear, renewed vitality, love

Guidance:  Open up to receive the sun

Journaling:

I have to just get this out there that I hate this version of the sun.  The kid looks utterly creepy as he has an old man face.  However, I love the sun card because it makes me think of sitting out in the sun and basking.  For me,t he sun is one of the best ways that I learn to receive.  I can just sit outside and let the sun fill me with warmth and that helps me let down my defenses and receive.  I don't do a good job at receiving because I always assume that someone has an ulterior motive, but there is no ulterior motive with the sun and I can just let down my defenses and receive. 

Spending time hanging out on the patio with Cam and the dogs is amazing.  It isn't fancy and it doesn't require any investment, but there is something so peaceful about just being and watching Wendy lift her face to the sun is a magical experience.  I can feel her soaking in all the warmth and joy the sun has to offer.  It makes me so sad that she was deprived before we got her and she didn't have the love and affection that she does now.

In some ways, Wendy is the ultimate at receiving because she is so good at receiving love with no reservations.  She loves me fully and wholeheartedly and it makes me feel so humble to know that I am loved that much.  She loves to give kisses and I've learned to just receive them.  I don't really enjoy her enthusiastic licks, but I love how happy she is to give them to me.

Tarot Blog Hop: Seasons in the Sun


For this Tarot Blog Hop our fearless Wrangler Arwen said, "Timing is a big thing in divination. There are many thoughts around how to do it as well as opinions on whether or not to do timing. So this solstice, I am challenging you to tackle timing. " She gave us a couple of options for our blog and I chose Door Number 3 which was "Discuss what cards mean a particular time for you. Like ”Are Cups an autumnal suit or a spring suit?"

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
Terry Jack (Seasons in the Sun)

Ass I was contemplating this blog post, the lyrics to the Terry Jack song Seasons in the Sun kept running through my head so I knew that I was going to have to write about the Seasons of the Sun and which tarot cards corresponded to each season. My answer came when I chose to write about the Sibyl of Swords from the World Spirit Tarot and I realized that she personified winter. Once she had leaped out as winter, I shuffled through the deck to find the other Sibyls (Queens) and realized that each of them clearly personified a season for me.

Queen of Summer

The Sibyl of Wands has her face turned up toward the sun and her throne is decorated with sunflowers which means she is clearly the queen of summer.  According to the World Spirit Tarot Guidebook by Jessica Godino and Lauren O'Leary, the Sibyl of Wands is "Deeply loyal and protective of her loved ones, she radiates a warmth and consistency that can be relied upon."  The Queen of Summer is generous and wants those she loves to have the best.  She speaks to me of summer because summer is a time when we shed our winter armor and let our guard down, we play at the beach, and we truly make time for fun.  This is a lesson I needed to hear today because I'm often the person who keeps her shields up all year long and it is tiring to constantly keep people at arm's length.  I need to let my guard down and enjoy the warmth and playfulness of summer.

Queen of Fall

Surrounded by the fertility of the harvest, the Sibyl of Pentacles is the queen of the fall.  She is the
one that nurtures the earth and reminds us all to take care of the earth, ourselves, and one another.  Godino and O'Leary say, "The Sibyl of Pentacles loves her body, the earth, and life itself.  She moves in communion with the world around her, in harmony with nature's rhythm."  She takes pleasure in the ordinary and she understands the cycles of nature and that there is a time to be born and a time to die.  The lesson of the Sibyl of Pentacles is to listen to the music of our heart to find our own rhythm.  If we listen to our own rhythm and rest when we are tired and dance when we're energized, we will move through life smoothly and easily.  We stumble and fall when we get caught up in trying to dance to tunes that don't speak to our hearts.

Queen of Winter

The Sibyl of Swords surveys the icy landscape with her bird of prey by her side.  She has complete visibility and the raptors that fly with her are a reminder to get an eagle's eye view of situations and not let ourselves be buried by minutia.  Godino and O'Leary say she "flies in on the winds of change, her sword ready to cut away untruths."  She serves as a reminder that we grow through loss and pain and that we are stronger than we know.  Although she has chosen to isolate herself and user her sword to keep everyone at bay, the winter can be a cold and lonely place and if we choose to shut our hearts off to love and rely purely on logic, we might be cold and lonely as well.

Queen of Spring

The Sibyl of Cups is a warm and welcoming mermaid surrounded by the creatures of the sea.  She holds a shell in her lap and we are left to wonder what she sees as she scrys.  According to Godino and O'Leary, "She has unlimited nurturance to give and she offers her love unconditionally."  She loves without judging and if we can let go of our judgement of ourselves and others and let the Sibyl of Cups into our lives, we will be able to listen to our intuition and receive messages through dreams, songs, and other mediums.  She reminds us to open our hearts and to love unconditionally.  She is also a reminder that there is enough love to go around.

Overall, this was an interesting exercise as I got some very good insight into the seasons.


Thursday, June 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Not recognizing the bounty around you and the gifts you're being given

Book:  Emotionally cut off from the world, sometimes feel trapped within the misery of unrealistic expectations, feeling lonely because nothing is working out

Guidance:  Raise your head and commit to self empowerment, look on the bright side

Journaling

I usually look at the four of cups as a card of saying no to things we don't want, but I love this card because it is about being so focused on being miserable that we don't pay attention to the gifts and the bounty that are there for us.  Looking at this card, I realize that this is how I am when I am disconnected and feeling like no one cares about me.  I have come to realize since getting acupuncture and letting go of so much junk, that when I am feeling disconnected is it about my having disconnected from them having disconnected from me.  They are always there to guide and advise me, but sometimes I feel like I don't matter anymore and I shut myself off from my guides and the world.

There have been a lot of days lately where I have been so tired and exhausted that I've felt sorry for myself even though I am truly blessed in my life.  I have a good job, I've purchased a home, I have people who love me and respect me in my life.  It's true there are things that I don't have and things that could be better, but overall my life is pretty damn good.  However, instead of celebrating those blessings, I focus on the things that are wrong with my life or that aren't going perfectly.

I've also been focusing way too much on the fact that John is getting welfare even when he probably doesn't deserve it.  It really is not fair that he gets to sit on his ass and do nothing while I bust my butt and work hard for everything that I have.  However, dwelling on the situation will not change it and I need to let go.  Loving Kindness meditations help.  I also think I need to consciously say thank you (out loud) for all the gifts in my life instead of focusing on what I don't have.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Wands

First Impressions:  Swinging, feet not touching the ground, trust

Book:  Ambition and future vision, you have the mature perspective and vantage point to see the big picture and make your dreams come true

Guidance:  You are doing the right thing, Focus your will toward your vision

Journaling

I actually got chills as I read the words from the guidebook as they mirror the message I got from spirit and the condors.  Soaring with the condors allows me to see the big picture and the entire path laid out before me, but living cairn by cairn helps me to see the next right step and to follow through.  I need both of these perspectives in order to be successful.  I know that I often get mired down in the details and don't see how each activity connects with the next one, but the condors help me to see that.  They help me to soar above the minutia and see the path illuminated for me.

For me the message is that I am doing the right thing and school is right for me and it will lead me to my destiny, but to get there I do need to do the next right thing.  The next right thing for me right now is the conference in August and after that it is the AAR convention.  I don't know what comes after that, but I do know that the path will have lots of twists and turns.  I cannot see them all, but the guidance they are giving me is that I just need to keep doing the next right thing and periodically take the time to soar about the trees to see the big picture.  Taking time to see the big picture doesn't mean that I should distrust living cairn by cairn, but it means that seeing the big picture will help me plan long term.


Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisions, bound by my own indecision, making choices

Book:  Paralysis, paralyzing indecision, caught between choices, unable to move forward or back, inability to act rooted in your mind, fear is your captor, self-criticism and self doubt are ties that bind

Guidance:  Shrug off your victim status and invest yourself in the outcome of your situation, trust yourself and start putting one foot in front of the other

Journaling

I picked this card because I feel like I'm facing some really big choices and I'm not sure what I want to do.  There is a Director of OCM position open in Cleveland and there is a big part of me that wants to apply because it would mean being home and getting to sleep in  my own bed every night.  However, there is another part of me that feels tremendous loyalty to this project and to my current employer.  They've given me a tremendous opportunity and supported me as I worked to start this practice.  I'm also feeling secure in my current role as I'm working on three projects and am fully billable.  I also know that this project will go at least through 2020 so it would be easy to stay here and feel secure.  Starting a new job is hard and I have no way of judging how insane it is.  At least I know how insane my current position is.

I know that I'm not in this for the long term as I want to pursue my PhD, I want to write articles, I want to write a book, I want to do a lot of things that I need time for and while I can't do those things full time right now, this job does give me the bandwidth in the evenings to write, to work on classwork, and to do the things that are important to me.  That is a huge plus.  The other job would require a 30 minute commute each way and I have no way of knowing how crazy they are.  I could end up working a lot longer hours and having less time at home than I do now. 

I don't know what the answer is so I'm going to seek guidance and continue to work on finding my way Cairn by Cairn.  I know that if I keep taking the next right step, the path will reveal itself to me.

Monday, June 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  On the outside looking in

Book:  Hardship, Financial stress, seems like troubles will never end, misjudging reliability of others, collapse of faith

Guidance:  You have to draw on your own resources to make it through

Journaling:

For me this card is not so much about relying on others as it is about asking for help.  Sometimes we place ourselves on the outside looking in because we choose not to trust others and we choose not to ask for help.  I am a very untrusting person and it is very difficult for me to open up to others and ask for help.  Work was very much like that today as I felt like everyone was bonded and I was the outsider.  It felt as if everyone had their own little cliques and no one wanted me around.  Part of the reason I feel like that is because my job is different than everyone else's as everyone else has a technical role and my role is not technical so as a result, I feel as if they are looking down on me and thinking I'm not as smart as they are.  In reality, that is probably not the case at all but that is how I feel.

I think a lot of my feeling left out and as if I'm on the outside looking in has to do with the fact that I was bullied as a kid for reasons that are unknown to me.  I was fine up until we moved to Maple Park and the kids there were horrible.  They picked on me, groped me, and generally made my life miserable.  I never felt empowered to go and complain because I knew that complaining would only piss them off and make my life miserable.  Things are getting better in terms of how bullies are treated, but in my day you were just told to get along.  I personally feel that bullies should face severe punishment and should not be allowed to attend school with their victims.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have reported the bastards and I would have filed for a restraining order that would have meant they couldn't come to school.  Then there parents would have had to respond.

I've grown a lot since I was that scared little girl, but I still try to handle things myself because I don't trust authorities.  That's why I didn't report John for attempting to kill me with a baseball bat because I didn't think I would be believed.  That was one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life because if I had reported him, he would have gone to jail and I would have felt vindicated.  I'm realizing that one of my biggest flaws is that I feel that I need other people to witness bad behavior and agree with me.  It's as if I need proof from someone else that bad things happened, but I'm unwilling to ask for help.

I think the lessons that I need to take away from this are that I need to learn to ask for help and that I don't need other people to agree with me.  My own word that bad behavior happened is enough.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  Overflowing with emotion, being emotionally whole

Book:  Beginning of journey through the suit of water, symbolizing love, the emotions, intuition, realm of the heart,

Guidance:  Remember that the law of the universe is Love, spread Joy, drink from the fountain and be inspired by the beauty and harmony of the Ace of Cups

Journaling:  

I've awakened the last few mornings with Wendy snuggled up against me and
she smiles when she seems I'm there.  I love that baby doggy so much.  She is so loving and kind and I love to see her smile.  She has become so much more outgoing since we had her and she is smiling more and more.  She's also learning that cuddling doesn't mean having to be on top of me and that it can mean just laying beside me while I pet her.  That is huge for her.  She is also the one being in my life who loves with a truly open heart.  She loves me unconditionally and I matter so much to her that just being around her fills me with love.

Being around Wendy and seeing her unconditional love for our family is really helping me to open my heart to love unconditionally.  If she can choose to love and be kind when she was neglected and abused, who am i to choose not to love when I have people in my life that love me.  Every time I snuggle with her I am reminded of the power of love to change lives.


Saturday, June 15, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Swords


First Impressions:  Truth, clarity, relying on logic

Book:  Flies in on the winds of change, ready to cut away untruths, mind is clear, sharp, and penetrating, symbolizes some whose life has been marked by great loss

Guidance:  Face pain and sorrow with dignity, listen to yourself

Journaling

I chose this card today because we saw Andean Condors at the National Aviary and they spoke to me.  I felt called to meditate on them and to see the world from their point of view.  One of the things I sometimes hate about being psychic is that I'm called to journey when I'm in a public place and it is not possible to just let go and let myself go to other places.  I felt the condors calling to me and wanting to take me to another place and time, but it wasn't possible to go.  I'm going to let myself go tonight and to see what messages they have for me.  Seeing them up close and personal was amazing as they are beautiful creatures and their wings are amazing. I could feel myself being wrapped in their embrace and it was an interesting feeling.

As I think about condors flying free above the earth, I think about the ability to be unconstrained and free of the minutia of day to day life.  The message that I'm being given is to soar as a condor to see the end destination, but follow the path of the Cairn to take the next step.  Being a condor will allow me to see the steps and see what needs to be done, but the plan is always changing and by asking for guidance to the next cairn, I can take the next step with surety. 


Dark Goddess Calleach Spread

Note:  This spread came from Ellen Lorenzi Prince who is the creator of the Dark Goddess Tarot.  All images in this reading are from the Dark Goddess Tarot and are copyright Ellen Lorenzi Prince.

Dearest Cailleach, Goddess of Winter, Creator of Mountains,

I ask you to give me the gift of site, to see the bigger picture, and not get mired down in the details.  I ask that you help me to see where I am being led and how to use my talents to better the lives of those around me.  I ask that you help me see and manifest my destiny.

Blessings,
Raine


Tell Me of Resources--Ace of Earth (Gaia)
The DGT always comes up with the perfect answer and Gaia tells me that I need to honor the resources that I have and not squander them.  The resources I am gifted with our my intelligence, the opportunity to go to school, my creativity, and the job that funds my opportunities.  I sometimes get frustrated about work, but it is a resource that it has and I am also paid a lot of money to do something that challenges me and teaches me a lot.  I sometimes take work for granted or dismiss it, but it is a resource and it is important that I honor it and value it.  Gaia also tells me that I need to connect with nature on a regular basis, which means taking time to sit in the sun, to connect with my rocks and to generally make time to just be with the world around me and let all of my senses take in the wisdom of the earth.  I always like to think that my brain is my only source of knowledge, but that isn't true, my heart and connection to nature is also a way to connect with the greater world around me.

Tell Me of Progress--Five of Air (Harianago)
Hariango is not a Goddess that I have worked with, but interestingly enough the Five of Swords is a card that caught my eye and called to me in another deck and served as a reminder to let go of my need to compete with my ex husband.  Hariango is telling me that I need to trust my instincts around people and not believe everything that I am told.  If I believe everything that I am told, I risk setting back my own efforts.  I also need to focus on my path forward and not focus on revenge or playing petty games.  This is amazingly good advice because I sometimes get focused on things that I should have let go of.  The image that I am getting is of running a race and instead of looking straight ahead, I am focused on the runner who is five steps behind me and this means I end up tripping over my own feet.  If I keep my eyes straight ahead and focus on my prize instead of competing with someone else, I will win my own race and be the best me that I can be.

Tell me of Endurance--Sovereignty (The Morrigan)
The Morrigan is reminding me that I am my own Queen.  I do not need to get my power from anyone else and that by being my own queen and maintaining my own Sovereignty, I will move power.   There is also a teasingly interesting note in this reading that says, "Do not ignore an opportunity for your power to grow and your power to solidify."  That is telling me that what I want to do is right and true and that I am the person to do it.  I need to take all of these lessons that I am learning from so many other people and move forward with them to create my own destiny.  I should not rely on others for my destiny, but should create it myself.

This was an incredible reading that reminded me to marshal my

Friday, June 14, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions:  Taking back what is yours

Book:  Dishonesty can easily backfire

Guidance:  Use mental strategy, wit, and tact to achieve your goal, compromising your values will make the plan less valuable

Journaling:

This is the card that is about planning and about developing a plan that is in line with my values.  As the cards I've pulled recently have clearly shown, I need passion, grit, and a plan.  This is the card for sitting down and coming up with a plan that lets me navigate potentially rough waters and achieve my goal.  The problem for me is that right now my goal is not very clear.  I know I'm being lead to obtain my MA, but the road is a little hazier after that.  I think I'm to get a PhD that ties my spirituality, culture, and health degree together with an OCM twist, but beyond that I don't know what the guidance is. 

This card also is telling me that I need to gather together my strength as I will need it to wade into the cold and icy river.  There are forces working against me and trying to wash away what I'm holding on to.  I need to make sure that what I am holding on to is worth holding on to and it is really what I want.  I will be changed forever if I wade into the cold and icy river to retrieve the swords of truth.  I'm also being told that my heart will need to seek my brain in order for this to work.




Thursday, June 13, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of CUps

First Impressions:  Searching for the grail

Book:  Worshiping all that is beautiful, a dreamer, an idealist, more comfortable with love from afar than day to day challenges, gallant, kindhearted

Guidance:  Do not only ponder your dreams, pursue them as well

Journaling

I'm feeling called to do something big and bold and it feels as if I'm being led. However, my guides are testing my patience because I want to see the entire path at once, but they're reminding me that I have committed to living Cairn by Cairn and that means that I need to let go of my need to know the whole path and that I need to trust that I am being guided in the directly that I need to go in.  That is so hard for me, but I know it is the right thing for me to do.

The one thing I struggle with on this card is the fact that he is more comfortable with love from afar than the day to day challenges of a day to day relationship.  I have to admit that that is really true for me because I like the idea of romantic love and being in a relationship on a day to day basis, but I also know that that can feel like I'm being suffocated.  I don't know what the solution is, but I'm also comfortable with not knowing where that's going right now. 

Wow!  As I was sitting here looking at the card one more time, I realized that the cup represents the dreams and the seeker is the gumption to go after what you want.  This card is a reminder that I need to have the passion and the grit to make my dreams come true.  As I write this I realize that passion and grit can drive the organization and the steps that need to take place.  I sometimes separate my passion, my grit, and my organizational skills, but this card is telling me that I need all three.  Right now my passion is in the lead, but my grit is also important as it is F*ing hard to work a full time job that I'm not thrilled with and work on my MA.


Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Cups

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope

Journaling

I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I'm busy thinking about all the projects we have that don't have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don't have and how our organization doesn't really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that's a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I'm not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don't really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people's lives and I don't do that now.  All I do is help company's make more money and that's not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don't have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that's hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line "beyond this place lies new hope."  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I've learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I'm letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions:  Peace, calm, awareness

Book:  Draws from the deepest love, love to give, offering love unconditionally, offers sound guidance without judgement, learned to blend imagination with action

Guidance:  Enter your own landscape and enter the deep and paradoxical landscape of feeling

Journaling

My loving kindness meditations have helped me to feel deeply and to let go of the anger.  They've also helped me to learn to love unconditionally and without expecting anything in return.  I feel at such peace when I am in that place of unconditional love.  However, I'm struggling to live int he real world and to live in that place of unconditional love.  It seems that the world just pulls me into a world that I don't want to live in.  I don't want to live in a place where I have to leave the ones I love to make a living.  I also don't want to live in a life where it is about money and not about living my best self.

I don't know how to get to that place where I can live from my heart and not my head.  I generally make decisions based on financial reasons and then I end up feeling trapped.  What my heart wants is not financially lucrative, but I don't know how to get from here to there.  I want to make a difference in individual's lives, but i want to be well compensated for it and unfortunately jobs working with people often do not make a lot of money.

I think I just have to continue putting it out there that I want to live form my heart, but I need to make sure my needs are met.


Monday, June 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw; Chariot

First Impressions:  Staying on an even keel, maintaining emotional control

Book:  Journey of personal growth, challenge of self mastery, intense confidence and determination

Guidance:  Balance your inner and outer realities and maintain equilibrium

Journaling

The chariot has always been about emotional control for me since I first start reading the tarot.  It always felt as if my mind was one of the horses and it wanted to go straight ahead down the path of logic and the other horse was my wild emotional horse that threatened to derail me.  It has only been recently that I've learned to have some emotional control and not break down at the slightest little thing.  Being a consultant has been really good for me in that arena because when you are standing in front of a room and people are throwing hard questions at you, you need to be able to play it cool and not break down. 

The other thing I'm realizing is that it is much easier to have emotional control when you are in an emotionally stable environment.  Living in the emotional tinderbox that was my marriage meant that every spare ounce of energy I had went to just surviving and to catering to John's emotional needs to try to keep him on an even keel.  There was no energy to tend to my own emotional needs or the emotional needs of the kids.  His temper and his victim mentality were a big black cloud over every house we lived in and that made it so hard.

Emotional control still is not easy for me and there are days I really have to think my way out of situations and remind myself that whatever is happening isn't permanent and that I do not have to react to every little thing that happens.  I'm learning to be much better at responding instead of reacting and that has helped me so much in maintaining emotional stability.  A lot of times by the time I have calmed down and really thought things through, I don't even feel the need to respond because the emotional storm has passed.

In a lot of ways, emotions really are like storms because they can come out of no where with the least little thing setting them off and they generally pass.  Sometimes I need to look at my emotions and work to take care of them, but other times I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this too shall pass.


Sunday, June 9, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Swords

First Impressions:  Vanquishing the enemy, pounding someone into the cement, victory at all costs

Book:  Hopes have been shattered, ambitions crushed, vulnerabilities exploited by others, pain can be a catalyst for growth,

Guidance:  Ask yourself how you got here, search for the lessons

Journaling

My guides called me to commit to my job, to the World Spirit Tarot, and to myself.  They can be harsh taskmasters as they are reminding me that this commitment does not only mean sharing the good things I learn about myself, it also means committing to sharing the things that put me in a negative light.  The things that reveal my pettiness and my imperfections.  The things I would rather hide than let see the light of day.  However, I have been on this journey long enough to know that the only way to move forward is to be unflinchingly honest with myself and with others so that others might learn and grow from my foibles and mistakes.

I asked my son about his father last night and he told me that I was obsessed.  Needless to say I took umbrage with that, but I realized today that there is a kernel of truth in that statement as I am obsessed with seeing him fail.  He hurt me so badly that I want to crush him under a stiletto heel until he begs for mercy.  In short, I want to be the victor in the Five of Swords.  Although the World Spirit Five of Swords does not show the victor as smug as some other versions do, there is the same sense there of vanquishing the enemy and leaving no room for compromise.  It is showing no mercy, it is crushing his bones and sucking out the marrow.  And deep in my heart of hearts, that's what I want to do.  I have no mercy for him because he showed me none.  I know all about his hard childhood, but I don't care.  He hurt me and I want to destroy him.

Today I realized that I feel like he out "bad assed" me and I don't like it one bit.  I picked up and moved with my kids, but I had a steady job, the kids helped me move, I had a driver's license, etc.  He picked up and moved by himself to a place he'd never been before and with no driver's license.  We thought he was crazy, but he managed to buy a house and get his license and he seems to be making a go of it.  And when I am truly honest with myself, that bugs the hell out of me.  I'm supposed to be the most bad ass one around and he did something way harder and it bugs me.  I know that there is enough good stuff to go around, but my petty little mind does think there is enough badassery to go around it bugs me that he got a piece of it.

One of the best lessons I learned in Al Anon was the "3 A's" which are awareness, acceptance, and action.  I've become aware of my tendency to want to crush John and I'm working toward accepting and owning this behavior.  The next step will be determining what action to take.  I will continue doing my loving kindness meditation for John, but I don't know what other actions I'll take and that's okay as sometimes you just need to sit with something until the next cairn appears.

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions: Love, openness, trust

Book:  Beginning of a new relationship or a new phase in an existing one, promise is made, friendship pledged, trust begins to grow

Guidance:  Learn to love yourself to truly love another

Journaling

I deliberately picked this card today because it made me think of dancing and the song "Dance with Someone Who Loves me."  Cam and I were at Macy's today and that song came on and I danced with her and it was an amazing and joyous moment and it was such an affirmation to me that I don't have to be in a relationship to have people who love me in my life.  I am surrounded by love and all I need to do is open my heart to receive it.  I've spent the last 10 years closing my heart off because I am so afraid of being hurt and of making bad choices, but all closing my heart off does is hurt me.  It means I am probably missing out on having amazing friends because I'm so afraid of being hurt.

Cam's assault also rattled my ability to trust, but I have to remind myself that there are bad people in this world and that trusting does not mean totally turning off my discernment.  I have good instincts and have a good feel for people with good intentions and bad intentions.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I knew that John was a bad proposition within a few weeks of getting married because he became mean and controlling and expected me to go out with his friends and do everything he wanted to do.  However, Charlene had instilled in me the thought that I had to be with someone so I overrode my instincts to satisfy that desire.  I'm a lot stronger now and I won't overrule my instincts for someone else again.

I'm also at a point in my life where I am truly starting to like who I am and accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.  That's a pretty cool feeling and is really helping me to love who I am instead of who I want to be.  Like last night, I ordered too much food way too late and I'm feeling the effects of it, but instead of telling myself that I'm stupid, I'm just saying i shouldn't have done that and those are two very different messages.  I'm done making value judgments on everything I do.  I may do some stupid things, but that does not make me stupid.

A big part of the change in me I can attribute directly to the loving kindness meditation that I do every day.  It helps remind myself to love myself and sends out love to the people in my life that I love and the people that are difficult.  The most difficult part of the meditation is sending love out to the difficult people in my life.  I'm not at the point yet where those meditations flow off my tongue and there are days I really stumble over doing them, especially for Charlene, but I just keep saying it one day at a time and I'm getting there.

Exercise:
Begin practicing a loving kindness meditation every day

Friday, June 7, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Wisdom, at peace with the world, power

Book: Rules with steady hand and kind heart, no need to prove himself to anyone

Guidance:  Find your own stable center

Journaling

Interesting card for me to pull as I've been feeling very centered lately.  My loving kindness practice has really helped me to be more self possessed and in control of my emotions.  It has really helped me let go of the need to be loved and admired.  I think the root of it is that I've realized that I can love and admire myself and that's okay.  I don't need anyone else's approval but my own and realizing that has helped me let go of clinging and needing to be with someone.  I've realized that I am the master of my own universe and that I am responsible for my actions and there is no one else to blame or to look for for approval. 

Knowing that I can make my own decisions without having to pander to anyone else's thoughts or concerns is amazingly liberating.


Thursday, June 6, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Moon

First Impressions:  Mystery, darkness, trail into the night

Book:  Guardian of night, soul, unconscious mind, foreign and bewildering

Guidance:  Peer into your shadows and look into your fears

Journaling

I became comfortable with the moon and with the darkness in the first few years after my divorce.  The moon and the darkness gave me comfort and let me nurture my soul without being exposed to the harsh rays of the sun.  The moon softens the rough edges and wraps us in her mystery.  I found so much comfort in the darkness as I felt that I could examine my soul without the judgement of other people.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in going into the darkness was how much the harsh scrutiny and judgement of other people really heart me.  I found that I was living my life for other people instead of myself.  However, when I went into the darkness, the goddess took care of me and she nurtured me and loved me.  

I think many people are afraid of the moon and the darkness because it is a time of introspection and sometimes it is really hard to look at our flaws and the sunlight lets us avoid the dark places in our souls.  There are so many shiny distractions in the sun and the world seems wide open and as if we can go anywhere, but when we are surrounded by darkness it is hard to avoid ourselves.

The other lesson I learned from going into the darkness is that I also need the light.  I need the sun to warm up my soul and make me realize I am loved.  I've been spending time alternating between the sun and the moon lately and I find that really helps me to stay in balance.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Four of Wands

First Impressions:  Celebration, Frivolity, working with others

Book:  Joyful passage from one phase to the next,

Guidance:  Delight has a vital place in creating lasting success, relax and enjoy, take price in what you've accomplished

Journaling

One of the most important lessons I've learned lately is that when I let joy into my life, my life is much happier and oddly enough it also means I get more done.  Letting fun into my life is often difficult as I make these huge to do lists and feel like I just have to do, do, do.  However, I've gotten a lot better at reminding myself that life is not all about work and that joy really does matter.  We had a team event tonight and I actually let myself enjoy it.  I mingled with people, I socialized, and I enjoyed myself.  I'm not always good at that, but I'm making a conscious effort to let people in.

I do believe the loving kindness meditation is helping a lot as I'm starting to remind myself daily to love myself and to be kind and compassionate to myself.  Having that reminder on a daily basis means that it is starting to work its way into my DNA.  I always used to think that being an adult meant being serious all the time and not making time to be silly and to have fun.  However, I've learned that being an adult isn't about being serious all the time.  I can meet my obligations and do what I need to do without being serious all the time.  I've also realized that being open and fun draws people to me and that helps me meet people and to have more joy in my life.


Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Thelma from Scooby Doo, Juggling, maintaining one's balances, life coming fast and furious

Book:  Balance, search for equilibrium during a busy time, balancing act between worldly challenges and inner affairs,

Guidance:  Maintain grace and adaptability in the midst of change, see the sacredness of every day tasks

Journaling:

This card truly represented where I was at today as I flew from Chicago to Dallas last night, gave a two hour presentation, then flew back to Chicago.  I was juggling multiple clients along with my already insane light.  What I learned from today is that it is very possible to juggle, as long as I take care of myself and make sure I get enough sleep, eat the right food, etc.  I arrived late last night and my rental car was a huge 4x4 that was really too big for me to drive.  However, by the time I had realized I'd been given this mondo  beast, I was already at the car and exhausted.  The thing is that I was so exhausted that I actually did get a good night's sleep and made it through my presentation.  I also made sure I went to bed early when I got back to Chicago.

I love the guidance to see the sacredness of every day tasks.  One of the things I realize that I am being called to do is to bring my whole self to everything I do.  When I am at the front of the room talking about how to treat people, I am talking about my spiritual beliefs because I am coming to realize that it is critical to be kind to everyone we meet because we don't know what they are going through that is leading them to behave badly.  It is also critical that we are generous when we think about other people's behavior because we don't know what they're going through. 

However, the flip side of that is that we need to demand that we be treated with respect and not let our kindness for others demean ourselves.  I spent 22 years allowing myself to be treated with disrespect until I came to believe that I had no place in this world and that the only way I deserved respect was to subjugate myself to others.  I've learned that isn't true and that's a pretty amazing feeling.


Monday, June 3, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Sunny, fulfillment

Book:  Material realm, hearth, home, body, nature, seeds planted will grow into lasting achievements

Guidance:  Ground your ambitions into practical matters, remember that what is most sacred can be found within yourself

Journaling

One of the most important lessons that I am learning lately is about the importance of being kind to myself and that means eating healthy food, making sure I get enough sleep, exercising, and basically taking good care of me.  It also means not berating myself and beating myself up.  I'm also realizing that how we treat our selves is truly reflected in how we treat others and the planet.  Even people who think they are being kind to themselves or are taking care of themselves are not because they push themselves too hard, they don't get enough sleep, they eat junk, or they drink too much caffeine.  Truly honoring ourselves means being cognizant of what we put into our bodies.  If we don't honor and take care of ourselves, how can we take care of the world?

One of the biggest changes I've made lately is being kind to myself.  I always used to berate myself for my weight, for how I looked, and for every mistake I've made.  As I've come to love and appreciate myself more, I've started to be kinder to myself.  I've started to accept who I am and work to be the best person I can be instead of beating myself for things I can't change overnight.  I've realized that I was punishing myself for my weight by not sleeping and by not taking care of myself.  However, I've started realizing that I need to make sure I get enough sleep, I need to exercise even if it is just a little bit every day, and I've started working to let go of the stress in my life.  What I've found is that as I let go of the stress, I'm not so hungry.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Pentacles

First Impressions:   Peace, contentment, magic

Book:  Satisfaction of having all our needs met, celebrate abundance with friends and loved ones, everyday life contains magic

Guidance:  Think about your legacy, honor the everyday magic

Journaling

I love the reminder to honor the everyday magic in the world.  I think so often we get caught up in thinking about special occasions and about big trips, that we forget about the magic in perfect strawberries, or laughing with our families.  For me, learning to appreciate the magic in everyday has come from learning to live an inward focused life instead of an outward focused life.  My life is about me and I'm good enough just the way that I am.  I don't need to live in a perfect house, have a perfect job, or have a perfect mate to be worthy of good stuff (love, money, etc,).  I am truly perfect just the way I am and I deserve to be happy.  Getting to that point has taken a hell of a lot of work, but now that I'm here I can really appreciate MY life without comparing it to anyone else's.

Cam and I went to Macy's yesterday as I was looking for a new phone wallet and the song "Dance with Somebody who loves me" came on and I was dancing with Cam.  That was a huge moment for me because instead of the song making me sad and reminding me that I don't have that one someone in my life, it made me happy because I do have people in my life who love me and are there for me.  That was huge for me in just accepting that love that is in my life.  And today, we went to Lakewood and went to the Beach Cliffs park and we just sat and watched the waves, it wasn't a huge big event, but it made us both happy.

I'm realizing that the true point of life is about being happy and being comfortable in your own skin.  I'm also incredibly happy that I'm finally at that point in my life where I am able to be comfortable in my own skin.

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Wands

First Impressions:  Breakthroughs, warmth, happiness, sun

Book:  Magnificent potential, strength, power, inspiration, potential

Guidance:  Nurture the seed within, ally yourself with the power

Journaling:

I love this card because it feels like the fire in my soul is being lit by all the fires of the universe.  For me it is a reminder to take inspiration from wherever I can find it.  Some days that inspiration will come from within my soul and other days it will come from those around me.  As I think about that spark of inspiration, I'm reminded of the importance of being vulnerable and being open to sharing with others.  When we are open with others and admit our weaknesses and strengths, we can feed off of one another and propel ourselves to greater things that any of us could become alone.

One of the things that I've found to be true in life is that drama really kills the creative spirit because it takes all of the inspiration and instead of feeding creativity, it feeds the drama and that is all that everyone thinks about and notices.  I've been working so hard lately to live a drama free life and to not let myself get all caught up in who said what and about who thinks what.  I used to be such a drama llama and I'm realizing that it was because I thought I was nothing unless everyone was noticing me so I would create or embrace drama because I got validation and people were paying attention to me.  However, since I've let go of the need to be the center of attention, my life is so much more peaceful.

Letting go of drama has also helped me to find time to be creative and to learn more about myself and the more I let go of the drama, the more time and energy that I have to feed my soul and to feed my creativity.  I have to really honest and say that John fed my drama queen attitudes because it was difficult to get attention from him unless we were fighting.  Drama became an addiction and when there was no drama, life felt drab and meaningless.  I've learned since that life without drama is really good because it lets me relax and have peace in my soul.

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