Monday, June 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  On the outside looking in

Book:  Hardship, Financial stress, seems like troubles will never end, misjudging reliability of others, collapse of faith

Guidance:  You have to draw on your own resources to make it through

Journaling:

For me this card is not so much about relying on others as it is about asking for help.  Sometimes we place ourselves on the outside looking in because we choose not to trust others and we choose not to ask for help.  I am a very untrusting person and it is very difficult for me to open up to others and ask for help.  Work was very much like that today as I felt like everyone was bonded and I was the outsider.  It felt as if everyone had their own little cliques and no one wanted me around.  Part of the reason I feel like that is because my job is different than everyone else's as everyone else has a technical role and my role is not technical so as a result, I feel as if they are looking down on me and thinking I'm not as smart as they are.  In reality, that is probably not the case at all but that is how I feel.

I think a lot of my feeling left out and as if I'm on the outside looking in has to do with the fact that I was bullied as a kid for reasons that are unknown to me.  I was fine up until we moved to Maple Park and the kids there were horrible.  They picked on me, groped me, and generally made my life miserable.  I never felt empowered to go and complain because I knew that complaining would only piss them off and make my life miserable.  Things are getting better in terms of how bullies are treated, but in my day you were just told to get along.  I personally feel that bullies should face severe punishment and should not be allowed to attend school with their victims.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have reported the bastards and I would have filed for a restraining order that would have meant they couldn't come to school.  Then there parents would have had to respond.

I've grown a lot since I was that scared little girl, but I still try to handle things myself because I don't trust authorities.  That's why I didn't report John for attempting to kill me with a baseball bat because I didn't think I would be believed.  That was one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life because if I had reported him, he would have gone to jail and I would have felt vindicated.  I'm realizing that one of my biggest flaws is that I feel that I need other people to witness bad behavior and agree with me.  It's as if I need proof from someone else that bad things happened, but I'm unwilling to ask for help.

I think the lessons that I need to take away from this are that I need to learn to ask for help and that I don't need other people to agree with me.  My own word that bad behavior happened is enough.

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