Friday, June 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hanged Man

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you

Journaling:

This is a card that I've never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I'm realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don't have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

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