Saturday, June 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions: Love, openness, trust

Book:  Beginning of a new relationship or a new phase in an existing one, promise is made, friendship pledged, trust begins to grow

Guidance:  Learn to love yourself to truly love another

Journaling

I deliberately picked this card today because it made me think of dancing and the song "Dance with Someone Who Loves me."  Cam and I were at Macy's today and that song came on and I danced with her and it was an amazing and joyous moment and it was such an affirmation to me that I don't have to be in a relationship to have people who love me in my life.  I am surrounded by love and all I need to do is open my heart to receive it.  I've spent the last 10 years closing my heart off because I am so afraid of being hurt and of making bad choices, but all closing my heart off does is hurt me.  It means I am probably missing out on having amazing friends because I'm so afraid of being hurt.

Cam's assault also rattled my ability to trust, but I have to remind myself that there are bad people in this world and that trusting does not mean totally turning off my discernment.  I have good instincts and have a good feel for people with good intentions and bad intentions.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I knew that John was a bad proposition within a few weeks of getting married because he became mean and controlling and expected me to go out with his friends and do everything he wanted to do.  However, Charlene had instilled in me the thought that I had to be with someone so I overrode my instincts to satisfy that desire.  I'm a lot stronger now and I won't overrule my instincts for someone else again.

I'm also at a point in my life where I am truly starting to like who I am and accept that even though I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome just the way I am.  That's a pretty cool feeling and is really helping me to love who I am instead of who I want to be.  Like last night, I ordered too much food way too late and I'm feeling the effects of it, but instead of telling myself that I'm stupid, I'm just saying i shouldn't have done that and those are two very different messages.  I'm done making value judgments on everything I do.  I may do some stupid things, but that does not make me stupid.

A big part of the change in me I can attribute directly to the loving kindness meditation that I do every day.  It helps remind myself to love myself and sends out love to the people in my life that I love and the people that are difficult.  The most difficult part of the meditation is sending love out to the difficult people in my life.  I'm not at the point yet where those meditations flow off my tongue and there are days I really stumble over doing them, especially for Charlene, but I just keep saying it one day at a time and I'm getting there.

Exercise:
Begin practicing a loving kindness meditation every day

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