Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Wands

First Impressions:  Inspiration, light a fire under my ass

Book:  Creativity, strength, power, inspiration

Guidance:  Nurture the seeds of your creativity

Journaling

This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I've been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the yummy detox soup
I'm grateful for John's help
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting paid
I'm grateful for being able to pay my bills

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Four of Pentacles

First  Impressions:  Wanting to share, not sharing, getting credit for sharing

Book:  Honoring the life source that sustains, best insurance for survival is the community

Guidance:  Give with generosity, receive with gratitude, do not depend on what we own for a sense of security, reexamine your relationship with money and material possessions

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me as it seems the people who share their wealth are happy while the hoarder is unhappy and looking with envy at those who give so freely.  The other lesson I'm getting from this is that true happiness does not come from money.  I already know that, but I feel so overwhelmed by bills and the need to pay them and get out of debt that I don't feel I have the wherewithal to step back financially and take a job that makes me happy.  However, I also know that I am learning lessons at my current job that I might not be able to learn anywhere else so I need to learn the lessons and trust that I am being guided toward my future.

I do know that I need to start building alternative streams of income to get my debt paid off and once that is done, I will have more flexibility in terms of salary.  I would love to volunteer at one of the hospitals as a chaplain, but I have absolutely no strength for that.  I'm really hoping that the allergy solution will help me feel better.  It is so horrible to wake up every morning and have no energy and have my face hurt so bad because my sinuses are swollen.

One of the other meanings of this card that wasn't covered in the LWB for the World Spirit Tarot was guarding your heart and this is something that I know that I do.  I am so terrified of getting hurt that I don't let very many people in.  It is really hard for me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  I'm getting better as I've been around people who have really proven themselves to be trust worthy, but it is still hard for me to trust.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful we had Luke for 10 years
I'm grateful Stephanie helped me out
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the dinner we had
I'm grateful for my fun car
I'm grateful that I have money to pay my bills

Monday, July 29, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Cups

First Impressions:  Contentment, secrets, working hard

Book:  Discovering self love and the genuine capacity to love another

Guidance:  Spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature

Journaling

Today was a learning day for me as I realized that emotional intelligence doesn't mean I always think perfectly or don't think of acting in self defeating ways, but it means that I am self aware enough to pull back and look at the behavior and choose a different way.  I am one of the most impatient people on the earth and I want things to be settled immediately.  However, the truth of the matter is that the world does not revolve around me and things that I think are important and urgent are usually just important.

For me the Seer of Cups serves as a reminder that I can know all my flaws and still be able to love myself.  In the past, I've always beat myself up for every little flaw.  However, I've come to recognize that every single person on this planet is flawed and being flawed does not equate to being useful.  I can be flawed and still love myself.  And other people can be flawed and still be lovable.  Cam is the biggest slob on the planet and Sean gets hard headed and stubborn but I still love them.

The other challenge for me is that I don't take the time to show my body the love that it needs and eat healthy.  I am so tired all the time that eat sugar and other unhealthy foods in order to get some quick energy, that then triggers a downward spiral because that makes me sicker, but then I crave more sugar, etc, etc.  One of the things I really need to work on is understanding that giving in to my cravings is not being kind to myself, it is actually hurting me.



Gratitudes

I'm grateful that I got time to work today
I'm grateful for John's appreciation
I'm grateful for Scott's note
I'm grateful for the good call around ECP
I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for a walk with the fam


Sunday, July 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions:  Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book:  Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance:  Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer.  However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now.  My bosses at work have made a decision that I don't believe is in my best interest and I've conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust.  This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others.  I'm terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart.  It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart.  One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I'm also struggling to trust myself.  My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people.  I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over.  Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out.  I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy?  This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn't look happy.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean is on his way home
I'm grateful I'm home this week
I'm grateful for the peaceful house
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest
I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed


Saturday, July 27, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions:  Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book:  Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance:  Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable.  It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in.  In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it.  I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in.  I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he's been so distant lately.  However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust.  In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality.  My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them.  Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach.  I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away.  I can't just bring part of myself to work, I'm either all in or all out.

I think that's why in my heart of hearts I'd rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don't get my way.  I'm not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.



Gratitudes
I'm grateful for taking a nap
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam
I'm grateful for Bai
I'm grateful for Scott

Draw from a Friend: Should I Stay or Should I go

Background:  Work has been tortuous lately and I have been feeling unappreciated and undervalued and I'm wondering if the time has come to move on out and seek a place that more values my efforts.  My flight response is really strong and if it was left to me and I had no one to support, I would have already said F* you, I'm walking out.  However, I do have other people to support and all the cards I've been pulling lately have been about patience and trust so my actions to move on are being restrained.  I reached out to a friend to ask him to pull a few cards for me and he ended up with the draw below.


Instinctively, we both believe that my best course of action is to stay and that that is what our guides and the cards are telling me, but I decided to go ahead and break things down and look at each card individually to get a deeper meaning.

Six of Fire (Wands)--At its essence, this is the victory card and it is about taking the steps you've been longing to take for a while.  If I was reading this on the surface, I could read it as either taking the right steps to move on and make a break.  However, the LWB also says, "Your growing ability to be patient and let things happen of your own accord is the sweetest fruit of your worldly success."  That sentence tells me that I will be rewarded and enjoy victory by continuing to be patient.

Ace of Water (Cups)--The ace of water is about fertility, about opening up and sharing your feelings.  It is a card of fulfillment and openness.  When I read this in connection with all the other messages I've been getting this week, this tells me that I need to be respectfully honest about my feelings and speak up.  It goes along with the guidance that Ted gave me this week about saying, "I feel..." As he said, no one can argue with that.  The key is not getting into You messages and sticking with I messages.  I messages are really hard when I'm wound up.

Nine of Air (Swords)--This card is pretty hard, but realistic.  It is all about hurt, vengefulness, suffering, and the inability to forgive myself or others.  It is telling me that it is time to let the old wounds heal and move on.  This in combination with all the other cards this week that told me it was time to let go of the past and to open my heart and trust is telling me that it is me holding this up.  I stated my case, now I have to trust that it is all going to work out okay.  I need to trust that the people I work with believe in me and value the work I do.  Right now that is hard because I am all caught up in feeling trapped and untrusting, but I need to open up my heart and trust.  Not an easy thing to do, but something I need to do in order to move on.

Knight of Air (Swords)--Ugg!  Another card that is pounding the point home that I need to let go of old messages and old thoughts.  Specifically, "With unflinching clarity you have to recognize struggling with your own inner world, your own phantoms, projections, and identifications will get you nowhere.  I have to let go of the ruminations and trust that it will all work out.  I need to add D and J to my list of loving kindness meditations and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Transformation (Death)--And I am being pounded over the head again!  This card is about transformation and letting go of old patterns.  This card says to not waste energy trying to stop the inevitable and that "you are simply ready to let go of unnecessary baggage."  It's time for me to put down my shields and trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy.

Four of Air (Swords)--This card says that "Doing nothing is most helpful at this point."  In other words, it is time for me to just focus on the work that is in front of me and let everything play out around me.  I need to focus on my workie work, I need to focus on writing, I need to focus on school.  I need to let go of all the drama swirling around me.  I just need to let it all go.  Focusing on the drama and feeding the drama is preventing me from moving on.

Four of Water (Cups)--This card is about feeling the abundance that you have and about being grateful for that abundance.  This card also reminds you that satisfaction can be fleeting and that there is also a period of emptiness, but that emptiness leads to fullness.  Sometimes you have to let go of something to make room for something else.

Summary
With another deck and with other circumstances, I might have been able to read this as it was time for me to leave and move on to something else.  However, when I read this in the context of the other readings and with the messages both Scott and I got from our guides, the message is clear that it is in my best interests to stay.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hierophont

First Impressions:  Rules, being rigid, being uncaring

Book:  Teaching about sacred growth that lay behind everyday reality, offers the best and the worst of past teachings, up to me to decide which to pass on

Guidance:  Comprehend your relationship with the sacred at a profound level

Journaling

I chose this card today because I'm feeling beaten up and abused and totally disrespected.  I ended up with a new boss today and she is the completely wrong boss for where I am in building my practice.  She is learning her new role, has no exposure to what I've been doing, and now I've been asked to give her time to get up to speed.  That is fucking bullshit, why do I have to put what I'm doing on hold because of an org structure change.  I have busted my ass for two years to get here and I'm finally on the verge of actually achieving something and I'm told to wait.  It's like I'm being asked to give more than I have to give.

After I heard the news, I asked for my reporting structure to be changed and outlined my reasons.  I was pretty much told no way in hell, it doesn't matter if you now fail, just wait.  That is such a horrible answer.  My reasons weren't listened to and I felt totally disrespected.  The thing is that my VP is usually pretty awesome so this response just seems like he made a knee jerk response that I was challenging his authority.  My mentor has told me it will all work out and to be patient, but my gut reaction says it won't and that I'll have to start all over.  I feel like I get told everyone else matters more than me and that I will never get ahead.  It is not a good feeling when I work my tail off and always have for everything I've gotten.

However, this card is telling me that there is growth to be had out of this experience.  I hate that message because I'm tired of having everything be a growth experience.  Why can't I just have a good life?  Why does everything have to be a growth experience.  I'm also being told to trust.  I don't do trust.  Trust is the most difficult thing in the universe for me because people I have trusted to do right by me have totally f*ed me over from my mother, to my ex husband, etc.  They deliberately hurt me and they should have had my back.  So now I'm asked to put my financial security in someone else's hands and trust.  The thing is that the people I'm being asked to trust have always done right by me and have always had my back, but this is a whole other level.  I'm being asked to trust that this will turn out. 

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for John's support
I'm grateful for Ted's support
I'm grateful for chilling out outside with the dog's
I'm grateful for the yummy salad
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for the quiet house
I'm grateful for a decent night's sleep
I'm grateful no one broke into the house


Thursday, July 25, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Judgement

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I'm in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don't know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn't funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client's building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it's being driven by someone high up in the food chain's behavior.  It's making it so that I don't even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don't really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don't trust people to make things right after I've spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn't the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene's behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  

 I'm in a place now where life is good and for the most part I'm happy, but I'm being asked to trust people and I don't want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I'd never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the support I got from Ted
I'm grateful I got home on time
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for sleeping in a cool room
I'm grateful for the weather being nice
I'm grateful for a good call with Michelle

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Strength

First Impressions:  Safety, security

Book:  Calm and firm, but not aggressive, living in harmony with her wild nature, knows the source of her strength is love

Guidance:  Tap into the deep sources of strength within you, look at balance

Journaling:

I love this card as it is a reminder that we all have passions and baser instincts, but that we can channel them and live in harmony with ourselves and others.  I don't view this card so much as taming my passions as it is about taming my baser nature.  My baser nature is the side of me that blurts things out before speaking and that doesn't take the time to think through the potential ramifications of my decisions.  Those are still my go to responses, but I'm learning that those may not be the best responses.

One of the lessons that I've really been struggling to learn lately is that sometimes I have to be the grown up in the room and that even when people are behaving badly, I sometimes get upset that I have to alter my approach while other people get to get away with being jackasses.  However, the biggest lesson I learned from my mother is that you cannot save people who do not want to be saved or do not believe they need to be saved.  I also get to choose my response based on what is in  my best interests and if it in my best interests to get along, that's what I'll do while I plan my exit strategy.

Another important lesson is that everyone does not have to like me.  There are some people that I just need to get along with.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful Sean got here safely
I'm grateful Cam took Wendy and Clark for walkies
I'm grateful for some quiet time
I'm grateful for good meetings
I'm grateful for Godfather's Pizza
I'm grateful for the great comments from Pat

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Strength, being motivated, reliable, having goals

Book:  Worker bee, wanting stability, serving others with a glad heart

Guidance:  Take a meditative and sacred approach to life

Journaling:

The knights are not always my favorite cards as some of them seem a little flaky, but I like this card as it seems to be about taking a responsible approach to life and doing the work required to move forward.  I don't like the message of serving others with a glad heart because I grew up with someone who believed that my life had no meaning and that it was all about others.  However, since I've been able to let go of Charlene's bullshit, I've realized that when I take care of myself and make sure that I have what I need, I am able to serve others with a glad heart.  Part of that is feeling empowered to say no to helping others and by feeling empowered to take care of myself.  Her message was to give till it hurts and that is not a good way to live.

Once I realized that I mattered and that it was okay to take care of myself, I was able to take a more sacred approach to live as I realized that everything truly is sacred and that approaching life and the people I meet as sacred helps me to be more grounded and to live a more peaceful life.  The other thing that helps is accepting that I'm not perfect and I don't need to be.  All I need to be is good enough.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the great guidance from John
I'm grateful for Sean
I'm grateful for Cam for taking care of doggos
I'm grateful for the yummy caprese salad
I'm grateful for a safe place to lay my head

Monday, July 22, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Sharing, consulting, agreeing

Book:  Card of craftspeople and artisans, doing what you love enough to be supported by it, do work that honors you

Guidance:  Be prepared for hard work

Journaling

It's interesting as I've always read this card as cooperation and working with others, but this card doesn't speak to it as it speaks to individual efforts.  I did go back to check the meanings in other books and there are books that read the card as collaboration, but this card doesn't and focuses on an individual's personal effort.  This gives me something different to think about as I had chosen this card in the hopes that it would inspire cooperation and teamwork.  Oddly, enough in a way it did as we did have a fairly peaceful day today without a lot of drama.

However, when I look at what the card based on this reading, I realize that this is yet another message that I'm at a turning point and that I need to be prepared for my life to change in a big way.  It makes sense because I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on what I want to be when I grow up and I know I want to write, I want to inspire people, but I don't know if I want to work one on one with people as that takes a lot of emotional energy.  I'm going to keep working with Cam on Cairn by Cairn and work on putting classes together and we'll see where it goes.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful John showed me how to do the PDF thing
I'm grateful for a good Case for Change workshop
I"m grateful there was not much drama today
I'm grateful I have a mostly dark room
I'm grateful for the quiet tonight
I'm grateful for my lemon candle
I'm grateful for a great shower
I'm grateful for yummy sushi
I'm grateful for Rainier cherries and the amazing test they have

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Swords

First Impressions: Fear, drama, walking away

Book:  Card of sorrow, suffering , and heartbreak.  Going through a particular hard time.  Card holds the key to healing and growth.  Opening up to new possibilities

Guidance:  Look through tear cleansed eyes at your life

Journaling:

Looking back over the last ten years, I realize that John walking out broke my ego.  I was upset and angry that he chose to walk out first.  I think even though I hoped we would reconcile after his heart attack, deep in my heart I knew that he would not change enough for us to be able to make it work.  The truth of the matter is that as long as I made more money, our marriage was never going to work.  He wanted me to make money and take care of all the chores, while the truth of it is that I never had the energy or the inclination to do all the chores and I never did them well enough to satisfy him anyway.  He was a perfectionist, but he never did the chores, he just complained about how I did them.  I was humiliated and angry when he left, but when I am am truly honest with myself I wasn't heartbroken.  I thought I was, but I was sad, humiliated, and shamed, but my heart wasn't truly broken.

LUKE
RIP
It was losing Luke that broke my heart wide open.  He was my baby doggy who was always there for me.  He was the one who loved me when I thought no one else did.  He was the one who snuggled with me, he got me out of the house to take him for walks, and who listened when I cried and raged.  He was my savior.  And I did the best job I could taking care of him, but he died and I'd missed his last checkup and I will never know if there was anything they could have done.  The vet said that they most likely would not have found the tumor as he wasn't showing any symptoms, but there is a part of me that feels guilty.

Holding him while he died was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and the best thing.  I was truly there for another being even though there was a part of me that didn't want to be.  However, he had been there for me when no one else was and there was no way that I would let him die alone.  I know he loved me because he came upstairs that last night to be with me and he made sure he went when I took Sean to the train that Friday night.  My heart cracked open when he tied and I felt a pain that I'd never felt before because he was a loving and innocent being and he loved me with his whole heart. 

Opening our hearts up to another dog was really hard because when you get a dog you know that one day they will rip your heart out, but the love and joy they bring will more than make up for the pain.  They will love you unconditionally.  And ultimately, we decided to take another chance on love and we brought two furry creatures into our lives.  They love us with all their hearts and although I know that when they die, my heart will be broken into pieces.  But I also know that I will be a better person for having loved them.
Wendy & Clark

Gratitudes
I'm grateful I had Luke in my life for 10 years
I'm grateful that we have Wendy and Clark in our lives
I'm grateful for having Scott for a friend
I'm grateful Scott and I had a great meal and conversation at Spanglish
I'm grateful for the safe drive
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for Sean for changing the laundry
I'm grateful for Cam for staying home with the critters
I'm grateful I have a job that pays my bills

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Contentment, moment of respite

Book:  Successful and productive life is something to bask in, The ability to love and appreciate oneself is the ultimate success

Guidance:  Learn to be content with our own company, know our own worth, take care of yourself

Journaling

The nine of pentacles is a card I've had a difficult relationship as I've traditionally viewed it as a girl in a gilded cage.  She has all the treasures of the world available to her, but she's all alone except for her bird.  She has always struck me as very sad and lonely.  However, the World Spirit version of the Nine of Cups shows a woman who looks peaceful, content, and satisfied with her world.  Unlike other versions where she seems melancholy and as if she is truly all alone, I could easily imagine the woman from the nine of cups taking a respite from a happy dinner party or after getting the kids to bed.  She strikes me as a woman who has a full and complete life.

After a long and rough road, I finally feel like this is where I'm at in my life.  I'm in a place where I'm happy and content.  I have a beautiful home, I have a job where I'm respected and have a lot of autonomy.  Life at home is peaceful as we all work hard to get along and I'm not constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and pissing off a narcissist.  I can also be my amazing and wonderful self and I don't have to hide my amazing self from someone who doesn't appreciate me and who always treated me like a second class citizen.  That's a pretty amazing feeling.

And what is more amazing is that I recognize and appreciate how awesome I am and I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore.  I spent my entire marriage to John feeling as if I needed to be ashamed of who I was and if I had nothing left to offer the world except what I could do for others.  Now, I know that I am a pretty awesome person.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for hanging out with Cam
I'm grateful for having lunch with the kids
I'm grateful for sleeping in my own bed
I'm grateful for getting the brown rug out of the hosue
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful fo a job that keeps me employed

Friday, July 19, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Diligence, being supported

Book:  Ready to take a talent to the next level of mastery, experienced teacher can provide guidance

Guidance:  Long hours of practice will be ready

Journaling:

I chose this card today because today was a day when I really felt like I was advancing in my job and ready to take it to the next level.  Because of my efforts we have multiple projects with full OCM in the pipeline and people are honestly looking at what we do having an educational component instead of just getting through the workshops.  That was refreshing to hear and I felt as if I was vindicated in all the hard work that I do.  However, even though I may be at the forefront of the efforts, it is and always has been a team effort as I couldn't do this without the support of my management team and without mentorship.  It is so incredibly helpful to have someone to go to when things get rough and to have someone who can give me guidance about the company and how to navigate.

The personal work I've done has also paid off as I'm starting to see how I self sabotage and refuse to view myself as a leader because of my dad's belief that women should not take high paying jobs because men need them more.  That was a bullshit comment that my dad made and it was wrong.  What he seemed not to understand is that a) jobs should be given to the people who are the most qualified and should not be given out based on need and that b) there are plenty of women who are responsible for supporting their families.  I loved my father dearly, but that was one of the most asinine things I've ever heard anyone say and the really unfortunate part is that I had no idea until recently how much I had taken that stupid comment to heart and was believing that as a woman I had no right to be in a position of power.  Although intellectually, I saw the stupidity and misogyny in this comment, there was obviously a little piece of my soul that bought into this viewpoint and I've been self sabotaging every time I have people reporting to me.  However, it's time for that to stop and I'm ready to move into a more senior role.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful I got home safely
I'm grateful for John's guidance and mentoring
I'm grateful for our good meeting about kick offs
I'm grateful for the support of my team
I'm grateful that Wendy loves me so much
I'm grateful for the time spent cuddling Wendy
I'm grateful for the yummy lunch with Sean and Cam
I'm grateful for fresh raspberries
I'm grateful for my beautiful house


Thursday, July 18, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Moon

First Impressions:  Intuition, dark of the night, constrictive

Book:  Speaking in signs and symbols,

Guidance:  Prepare to leave the familiar, accept the power of your imagination

Journaling

This was one of the strangest days I've had in a long time.  I was running late
for work and it was pouring down rain so I was frustrated, but then when I got to the car I saw a little shell creature on the ground.  I thought it was dead, but then it started moving around.  I tried to rescue it so that it was out of the path of the cars, but I was a little afraid to pick it up.  I finally got it to a little bit safer place and left to go to work, but the little critter kept nagging at me as I know enough to know that when  weird creature shows up, there is some mystical meaning.

The words that kept coming up in my search for the meaning of the shell creature were coming out of your shell and shedding old beliefs and old ways of doing things.  It was also about intuition and going within.  As I meditated on that, I realized that I had fell back into some old and bad behaviors in dealing with other people.  I was doing a lot of othering and complaining about people.  I was labeling them as bad instead of their behavior as bad.  That's a behavior I definitely need to grow out of.  The other realization I had was that I needed to climb out of my shell and be open and vulnerable.  I've been doing a lot of work to move in this direction, but there is still more work to be done.

After much drama, my flight ended up getting cancelled and I decided to drive.  Scott ended up texting me and when I shared the picture of my little shell buddy, he immediately realized it was the crustacean from the moon card and reminded me that the moon was about trusting my intuition and being open.  All of this gave me a lot to ponder on my drive home and as it got dark and a beautiful orange almost full moon came up, I realized that they were tapping me on my shoulder and reminding me that there is magic and mystery in this world.

07/20/2019 Update

Interestingly enough as I talked to my daughter about this weird turn of events and the magical and oddly unexpected shell creature, she reminded me that the lobster/crayfish was about outgrowing your shell and about it being time to move on.  There is so much to digest here and I'm not 100 percent sure what it all means, but I will continue to reflect and ask for guidance.


Gratitudes

Scott texting me
My little moon buddy
Getting home safely



Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seven of Wands

First Impressions:  Barrier, putting up your guard

Book:  Something makes your blood run hot, something you are passionate about,

Guidance:  Hold to your truth, no matter who or what tries to sway you, know the risks and recognize your limitations

Journaling

This project makes my blood run hot as everyone is so rude and hateful.  It is as if the major thing is to complain about the client and act as if they are stupid.  When it actuality it is our consultants who are totally ignorant.  Most of them have never worked on the client side before and all they want to do is get through the workshops.  The project needs a total reset and the consultants need to be slapped.  I've totally checked out as I'm just ready to move on and do something meaningful.  This isn't meaningful and it is not really advancing my career.

However, I need to remind myself that this too shall pass.  I worked for Ahmed for a year and it was horrible, but I learned something and then I was ready to move on.  Now, I'm in a position to observe and see how this is screwed up.  The reality is that it comes from the top and as long as Tom is out of control, the entire project will remain out of control.  As long as he is all about being liked, nothing will change.  However, I just have to let go and know that there are other projects out there.

I also view this card as a reminder that other people's behavior is their responsibility and not mine.  I also have to remember to not take it personally and that if someone is a jerk, that is on them and not on me.

Gratitudes

Feeling better
Good lunch with the team
Beautiful sunset
Kids are taking care of Wendy

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Swords

First Impressions:  Actively making a choice, not being passive

Book:  Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card

Guidance:  Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action

Journaling

I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen.  It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process.  What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up.  What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess.  When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition.  I know that I am being led right now and I'm not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.

There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities.  However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries.  I think I'm still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward.  In my perfect world, I'd spend all day doing research and writing, but I don't live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills.  I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out.  At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.

What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path.  I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.


Gratitudes
Cam was accepted into the English program
Cindy is looking forward to our meeting
I am feeling a little better
Yummy Greek potatoes
Good Steering Committee

Monday, July 15, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart's yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I'm at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we're not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I'm not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I'm doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes
Phone charger fixed my issue
Yummy Poke for dinner
Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids
Snuggles from Wendy this morning
Skyping with Cam
Flight was on time

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.


Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean
Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library
Sitting here and having peace
Feeling better

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Wands

First Impressions:  Wendy, contentment, soaking up the sun, planning

Book:  Fires of the hearth, loyalty, generous, passion, strong will, and self confidence

Guidance:  Know you have chosen the right path

Journaling

This card makes me think of my Wendy with her beautiful face tilted to the sun.  She is kind, compassionate, and generous just like the Queen of Wands.  What I love about this card is that she is sitting there content in the sun, but you can feel the passion even as she sits in the sun.  This is also a good reminder to me that passion doesn't always have to be frenetic, sometimes passion can be knowing what you want and sitting there and waiting to receive.  This Sibyl is definitely sitting there waiting to receive and she knows she will receive.  As I look at this card, I'm reminded of the Psalm that says there is a time for everything.  There is definitely a time to be actively chasing your goals and doing the work required to get them, but there is also a time to sit back and receive and know that you have done the hard work required and that now you need to wait.

I love this give and take and it is such a good reminder that sometimes we do need to step back and let the wonderful things that the world has to offer come into our laps.  Sometimes we are recognized and all our hard work pays off and boom we receive what we need.  I know that I will move into academia and I will do the research to tie OCM and spiritual/cultural competence together.  I feel it in my bones that that is what I'm meant to do, but I just don't know how.  The Sibyl of Wands is telling me that it is okay to sit back and wait to receive.  This is the same message that I've gotten from other cards that sometimes we have to do the work, then wait to receive.

Gratitudes

Walking at North Chagrin with the dogs
Hanging out at home and just chilling
Reading
Watching Anthony Bourdain
Lunch with the kids
Snuggling with Wendy
Sleeping Late

Friday, July 12, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Wands

First Impressions:  Overwhelmed, hiding out

Book:  Burdens, taking on more than we can handle, may have to admit their are commitments you can no longer keep,

Guidance:  Prioritize, ask yourself what commitments you can really keep

Journaling:

I feel totally overwhelmed today and if there is not time to do everything that I need to do.  I want to finish school and it is so important to me, but I don't know how to do that and meet all my commitments at work.  There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and sleep and let the world pass me by.  In fact, that's what I did last night.  I went to bed and slept for 13 hours straight.  It felt wonderful, but I woke up and still have the stuffy head and feel awful.  I think the secret is that I have to be willing to let my body rest.  I abuse my body so much by pushing myself too hard because I think I can do it all.  However, the reality is that I can't do it all and I need to treat my body with respect.  I need to stop and say, "Enough!"

This weekend is my weekend of enough.  There is stuff to clean, I need to finish painting, I need to clean out the car, and there is still work to be done.  But I don't have the time, the energy, or the inclination to do it.  I've said enough and I just need to relax and sit back and be peaceful.  I need to cook and eat simple food, I need to snuggle the dog, I need to binge watch Bourdain, and I need to make time to just be.  When I push myself so flipping hard, I'm like the person in the image with the world falling down around her ears as she becomes buried by responsibility.  The amount of work to do can seem scary and overwhelming and I've realized that sometimes it really is okay to just say no, to say no to the extra work, to say no to going somewhere, to say no to doing one more thing.  It really is okay to just say no.

Gratitudes

Decent sleep
Kudos from David
Kudos from Arlona
Going to bed early
My bedroom not being miserable
Sitting outside with the dogs

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Swords

First Impressions;  Eviscerated, Isis calling for mercy

Book:  Ruin

Guidance:  Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on

Journaling

Interesting card to reflect on today.  It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did.  Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right.  We're struggling with the blueprint and don't have half the work done that we need to get done.  In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails.  To top it all off, I'm getting sick and it feels as if I'm never going to be able to breathe again.  I feel as if I'm drowning in grief again, but I don't know why as nothing has occurred that I'm letting go of.

The message I'm getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn't make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life.  I've been living a very outward focused life lately and haven't made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me.  I've been focused on changing the world, but haven't spent time on me.  I've been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors.  I've let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit.  That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit.  It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.

Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important.  So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important.  I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn't important?  Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can't let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don't know what that is.  I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.

Gratitudes
My flight was on time
Culver's
Walking to lunch
Driving the funky little VW Bettle
Hanging out with the kids when I got home
The dogs being happy to see me





Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Wands

First Impressions:  Conflict, anger, crossed swords (wands)

Book:  Conflict often brings surprising gifts, being challenged causes you to get clear on what you believe and builds your self confident

Guidance:  Do not run from confrontation, but see what insights it might offer, be confident, but playful

Journaling

It was a rough day today as it just felt like there was so much conflict and ugliness, particularly among the consulting team.  It feels like certain players just don't want to play by the rules, but want to make their own rules.  And it's really frustrating because they don't see the fact that they are making decisions that are not theirs to make and as such are causing anger and dissension among the ranks.  I also  see a total lack of personal responsibility and willingness to take ownership for their bad behavior.  However, I also see the person who is in charge being unwilling to engage in confrontation.  It's really hard to call people on their bad behavior, but if you don't do it and you try to take the nice way, things never get better.  I have learned the hard way that idiots who refuse to follow directions generally need to be told they are idiots before they get in line.  If you just continue to accommodate them, they will continue to behave badly.

The problem is that I'm not in charge of this rodeo so I'm not empowered to make them stop behaving badly and if I do step in, that just makes the situation worse.  However, it is also not my rodeo and I need to stop taking it all personally and stop making it about me.  It's not about me and I'm not the one that needs to tamp down the insurrection.  This is a good lesson for me about leadership and management because I see the person in charge doing the wrong things.  She needs to squash the rebellion and cut off their avenues of escape/escalation.  And until she is willing to do that, we won't get very far.  She is just way to accommodating.  There is a difference between being in a position where you don't truly have power and one where you don't.  I generally don't have power so I need to look for allies to help enforce things. 

Gratitudes

Going to sleep on time
Watching Anthony Bourdain in Ghana
IMing with Cam
Getting support from my extended team

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Wands

First Impressions:  Visionary, Fireworks, Following the star

Book:  First step toward your desire, standing at the door contemplating my future

Guidance:  Have confidence in yourself, do not doubt the light bulb going off in your head

Journaling

I needed to see this card today and be reminded that my future is there and that I need to trust the messages I'm getting.  The message I'm getting very clearly is that my future is changing the future of healthcare and figuring out how to combine the work I currently do, OCM,with my passion for spirituality, culture, and really making a difference.  I can see the path laid out in front of me at a high level, but figuring out the tactical steps of how to get there is a little bit maddening.  I know, I know, I just need to take one step at a time.  I need to get my masters while working on my PhD proposal, then figure out how to make it work.

The problem is that slogging through the shit is horrible.  I'm struggling at work right now because the consultants on my current project are total jackasses.  They act as if they know everything and if it is their role to be project managers.  However, I have faith that it will all work out in the end.  I just need to stand back and let things play out.  I also have to remind myself that everything I am doing and learning is leading me to where I am meant to be.  And part of that learning is about how to deal with people who have no faith and don't listen to me.  I'm sure that when I go into a medical setting, I will have people who doubt my abilities and act as if I don't have a brain in my head.  Oh wait, that's pretty much every doctor I've ever encountered.

Of course, after I write that the question I'm asking is why do I set myself up to do the hard stuff?  Why can't my path be easy?  I guess the answer to that is that no one who changes the world has an easy path.  I'm reading about the Buddha right now (and no I'm not comparing myself to the Buddha) and his path was not easy either.  He deliberately chose to leave wealth and privilege to experience the suffering of life.  However, as i write that, I wonder if he was trying to change the world or trying to change himself and those are two different things.  Maybe enlightenment is doing the hard things and letting go of the suffering.

Gratitudes

Being in synch with the team
Talking to Blaze
Finishing the SAP Info Session
Yummy fruit for dinner
Hanging with the team tonight

Monday, July 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Temperance

First Impressions:  Balance, creating magick, blending, creating something new, openness

Book:  Grace and precision, blending different elements of life into a work of art, teaches us to balance opposites, urges temperance in all things, often brings message of physical or spiritual healing

Guidance:  Think before you act

Journaling

It is always interesting to me how the exact words I need to hear spring up out of a reading.  I was debating whether or not I needed to take a walk today and my brain was being whiny and saying, "You had a hard day, it's okay if you don't walk today."  Then I read that this was often a message of physical healing and that was the kick int he ass I needed to get my butt out and taking a walk today.  I know that I need to do something physical every day and that was one of my goals for the year, but there are days when it is just way too easy to be lazy.  I'm learning that being self indulgent once in a while is okay, but it is when it becomes a pattern.  It's when there are too many days in a row where I'm self indulgent that it is a pattern.

The other piece that struck me about this reading was the blending of different elements of life into a work of art.  I'm not there yet and I don't know if I consider the various elements of my life blended because sometimes I think that I compartmentalize too much.  However, I do know that I am working to make all of the parts of my life work together so that I'm moving in one direction instead of being so disparate.  Although I did work this evening, my goal is to be able to do my work during the days so that my evenings when I travel are dedicated to school work.  If I can get to that point, I'll be able to spend the time I'm home truly being present for my family. 

I think one of the most interesting pieces of this card is that the angel is blending water to create something so this is about truly blending the elements of my life and not about balancing them and having balance in my life.  This also tells me that there are times when one piece of my life will get more attention than another.  Maybe having a balanced life is really impossible and we should strive for a blended life where everything comes together to create a full life.

Gratitudes
I got a good night's sleep
I had a peaceful morning at the hotel
I had a yummy salad for dinner
I got a nice email from Lisa
We had a good decision paper session
I made time to tarot today

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Goddess of the Week: Sophia

First Impressions:  Royalty, peace,

Meaning:  Wisdom, knowing yourself, tenderness and light

This card called to me as I felt calmness and tenderness radiating off of her.  Sophia speaks to me of turning inward to find wisdom and learning about who I am and applying that to the world.  What I see around me is that so many people want to change the world, but they are unwilling to do the work required to change themselves.  It seems as if it is so easy to point the finger at someone else and demand that they change instead of turning the magnifying glass inward and looking at our own actions and behaviors.  The flip side of this is knowing what I'm not responsible for and what I can't control.

The border between my behavior and others behaviors is boundaries and that's the hardest area for me.  I have a tendency to take responsibility and ownership for things that are really not my responsibility and that I shouldn't own.  That goes back to we teach people how to treat us and that if we let people walk all over us, they will continue to do that.  I learned a long time ago with my kids that I had to stop acting as if getting them to do their chores was a favor to me because that made them feel as if it was something extra that they were doing to be nice.  I've learned that I have to make them understand that this is a requirement and that if they don't do it, there will be consequences.  I'm still not perfect at it, but I'm getting there.

The same is true in work and we often don't do a good job of holding people accountable and making them understand that good behavior is not optional.  However, I think as women we are so afraid of the bitch label and we are so afraid of not being liked that we tolerate bad behavior.  My marriage taught me that it is my responsibility to stand up and call out the people who treat me badly.  I need to be the one that says that certain behavior is unacceptable and that I will not tolerate it.  Of course as a woman, people tend to label you "too emotional" or "too sensitive" when you stand up for yourself, but I don't believe demanding to be treated with respect makes me too sensitive.  I was so fed up with X the other day when he was whining about how someone had disrespected him, but the behavior he was talking about was no worse than what he'd done to me.  However, because I'm female I was being too sensitive.  That was a huge lesson to me in how men like to give women the label of too sensitive as a way to keep them down.

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I've been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can't go on.  I've had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can't wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I've convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I've ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I've realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what's real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don't.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what's going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn't do something, or that we weren't good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we're not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn't matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don't do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Deliberate Draw: the Devil

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of us

Journaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I've learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I'm also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won't go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 



Friday, July 5, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of wands

First Impressions:  Fending people off, protecting oneself, defensive

Book:  Dedication, discipline, and persistence have prepared you for whatever comes your way, how much of your defensiveness is paranoia over the past

Guidance:  Do not always be on high alert

Journaling:

WOW!  This is an amazingly insightful card and I was feeling a little angry and put out today because it feels like all I do is cleanup.  I was in a lot of ways comparing where I am now to the past, but this is nothing like the past.  The people who aren't cleaning up aren't being spiteful and don't think I should do it all, they just don't see the mess the same way I do.  Where it is important to me to clean it up right away, they do not have the same level of need to clean things up. It doesn't mean that they don't value me or the house, it just isn't a priority for them.

I also need to stop assuming that because people don't answer my emails right away or don't get back to me that they are working to sabotage me behind my back.  It could just mean that they are busy.  The funny thing is that I always gave John the benefit of the doubt about his working behind my back and he was the biggest saboteur of all.  He worked to sabotage my relationship with the kids, my job, my self image, and anything else he could sabotage.  I always gave him a pass because "I did something wrong" or he had a hard childhood or any other bullshit excuse I could come up with.  However, the truth came out in the death throes of our marriage when he admitted that he wanted to take me down a few notches.

He thought I thought I was better than him so he wanted to bring me down to his level.  However, what I have realized in the eight years since we've been divorced is that there is no way he could ever bring me down to his level because I outclass him all the way around and that is not arrogance talking, that is reality.  I am a nicer person, I am more responsible, I have more grit than he could ever hope to have, and I work harder.  I'm the one that maintained a relationship with the kids and made sure they were taken care of through college.  It has taken me a long time to say that and be confident that it is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and that it is not arrogant or stuck up to say it because it is factual.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Wands

First Impressions:  Fireworks, fast moving, lighting up the sky

Book:  Opportunities, new energies coming in and sparking rapid growth, pathways are opening

Guidance:  Take risks and initiate activities

Journaling:

Wow!  I love the reading on this card and the reminder that sometimes we have to take risks.  One of the things I've realized is that I need to change my mindset and I've started asking myself, "What I would do if I didn't care..."  Obviously, there are certain things I do care about, but there are a lot more where I'm really not invested in the outcome and I don't really care if I succeed or fail.  This is a question I started asking myself when I was thinking about when I was contemplating applying for my master's degree.  It had to be a program where I was true to myself and not something where I regurgitated answers based on what the teacher had fed us in lectures.  It also had to be safe space where I was free to explore my own thoughts and beliefs. 

When I decided to apply to WMU, I wrote the essay that said what was important to me.  I didn't write an essay for the purpose of getting in.  Cam ripped my essay apart and she was right to do so because it was mean and judgmental.  I wrote a new essay where I laid my heart bare and she ripped that essay as well because it was too emotional.  I sat on it for a few days and I decided that that was the essay I was going to go with because it was from my heart and it spoke my truth.  I wasn't going to write a political essay for the sole purpose of being accepted.  To Cam's surprise, but not mine, I was accepted with my essay.

Deciding that I don't care or that things don't matter frees me to be myself and to be my own person.  And that is a wonderful thing that I've found has the unexpected, but delightful, effect of opening up pathways to me and leading me to the things that are right for me.



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