Friday, July 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hierophont

First Impressions:  Rules, being rigid, being uncaring

Book:  Teaching about sacred growth that lay behind everyday reality, offers the best and the worst of past teachings, up to me to decide which to pass on

Guidance:  Comprehend your relationship with the sacred at a profound level

Journaling

I chose this card today because I'm feeling beaten up and abused and totally disrespected.  I ended up with a new boss today and she is the completely wrong boss for where I am in building my practice.  She is learning her new role, has no exposure to what I've been doing, and now I've been asked to give her time to get up to speed.  That is fucking bullshit, why do I have to put what I'm doing on hold because of an org structure change.  I have busted my ass for two years to get here and I'm finally on the verge of actually achieving something and I'm told to wait.  It's like I'm being asked to give more than I have to give.

After I heard the news, I asked for my reporting structure to be changed and outlined my reasons.  I was pretty much told no way in hell, it doesn't matter if you now fail, just wait.  That is such a horrible answer.  My reasons weren't listened to and I felt totally disrespected.  The thing is that my VP is usually pretty awesome so this response just seems like he made a knee jerk response that I was challenging his authority.  My mentor has told me it will all work out and to be patient, but my gut reaction says it won't and that I'll have to start all over.  I feel like I get told everyone else matters more than me and that I will never get ahead.  It is not a good feeling when I work my tail off and always have for everything I've gotten.

However, this card is telling me that there is growth to be had out of this experience.  I hate that message because I'm tired of having everything be a growth experience.  Why can't I just have a good life?  Why does everything have to be a growth experience.  I'm also being told to trust.  I don't do trust.  Trust is the most difficult thing in the universe for me because people I have trusted to do right by me have totally f*ed me over from my mother, to my ex husband, etc.  They deliberately hurt me and they should have had my back.  So now I'm asked to put my financial security in someone else's hands and trust.  The thing is that the people I'm being asked to trust have always done right by me and have always had my back, but this is a whole other level.  I'm being asked to trust that this will turn out. 

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for John's support
I'm grateful for Ted's support
I'm grateful for chilling out outside with the dog's
I'm grateful for the yummy salad
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for the quiet house
I'm grateful for a decent night's sleep
I'm grateful no one broke into the house


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