Friday, July 5, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of wands

First Impressions:  Fending people off, protecting oneself, defensive

Book:  Dedication, discipline, and persistence have prepared you for whatever comes your way, how much of your defensiveness is paranoia over the past

Guidance:  Do not always be on high alert

Journaling:

WOW!  This is an amazingly insightful card and I was feeling a little angry and put out today because it feels like all I do is cleanup.  I was in a lot of ways comparing where I am now to the past, but this is nothing like the past.  The people who aren't cleaning up aren't being spiteful and don't think I should do it all, they just don't see the mess the same way I do.  Where it is important to me to clean it up right away, they do not have the same level of need to clean things up. It doesn't mean that they don't value me or the house, it just isn't a priority for them.

I also need to stop assuming that because people don't answer my emails right away or don't get back to me that they are working to sabotage me behind my back.  It could just mean that they are busy.  The funny thing is that I always gave John the benefit of the doubt about his working behind my back and he was the biggest saboteur of all.  He worked to sabotage my relationship with the kids, my job, my self image, and anything else he could sabotage.  I always gave him a pass because "I did something wrong" or he had a hard childhood or any other bullshit excuse I could come up with.  However, the truth came out in the death throes of our marriage when he admitted that he wanted to take me down a few notches.

He thought I thought I was better than him so he wanted to bring me down to his level.  However, what I have realized in the eight years since we've been divorced is that there is no way he could ever bring me down to his level because I outclass him all the way around and that is not arrogance talking, that is reality.  I am a nicer person, I am more responsible, I have more grit than he could ever hope to have, and I work harder.  I'm the one that maintained a relationship with the kids and made sure they were taken care of through college.  It has taken me a long time to say that and be confident that it is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and that it is not arrogant or stuck up to say it because it is factual.

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