Sunday, July 7, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I've been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can't go on.  I've had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can't wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I've convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I've ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I've realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what's real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don't.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what's going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn't do something, or that we weren't good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we're not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn't matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don't do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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