Sunday, July 21, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Swords

First Impressions: Fear, drama, walking away

Book:  Card of sorrow, suffering , and heartbreak.  Going through a particular hard time.  Card holds the key to healing and growth.  Opening up to new possibilities

Guidance:  Look through tear cleansed eyes at your life

Journaling:

Looking back over the last ten years, I realize that John walking out broke my ego.  I was upset and angry that he chose to walk out first.  I think even though I hoped we would reconcile after his heart attack, deep in my heart I knew that he would not change enough for us to be able to make it work.  The truth of the matter is that as long as I made more money, our marriage was never going to work.  He wanted me to make money and take care of all the chores, while the truth of it is that I never had the energy or the inclination to do all the chores and I never did them well enough to satisfy him anyway.  He was a perfectionist, but he never did the chores, he just complained about how I did them.  I was humiliated and angry when he left, but when I am am truly honest with myself I wasn't heartbroken.  I thought I was, but I was sad, humiliated, and shamed, but my heart wasn't truly broken.

LUKE
RIP
It was losing Luke that broke my heart wide open.  He was my baby doggy who was always there for me.  He was the one who loved me when I thought no one else did.  He was the one who snuggled with me, he got me out of the house to take him for walks, and who listened when I cried and raged.  He was my savior.  And I did the best job I could taking care of him, but he died and I'd missed his last checkup and I will never know if there was anything they could have done.  The vet said that they most likely would not have found the tumor as he wasn't showing any symptoms, but there is a part of me that feels guilty.

Holding him while he died was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and the best thing.  I was truly there for another being even though there was a part of me that didn't want to be.  However, he had been there for me when no one else was and there was no way that I would let him die alone.  I know he loved me because he came upstairs that last night to be with me and he made sure he went when I took Sean to the train that Friday night.  My heart cracked open when he tied and I felt a pain that I'd never felt before because he was a loving and innocent being and he loved me with his whole heart. 

Opening our hearts up to another dog was really hard because when you get a dog you know that one day they will rip your heart out, but the love and joy they bring will more than make up for the pain.  They will love you unconditionally.  And ultimately, we decided to take another chance on love and we brought two furry creatures into our lives.  They love us with all their hearts and although I know that when they die, my heart will be broken into pieces.  But I also know that I will be a better person for having loved them.
Wendy & Clark

Gratitudes
I'm grateful I had Luke in my life for 10 years
I'm grateful that we have Wendy and Clark in our lives
I'm grateful for having Scott for a friend
I'm grateful Scott and I had a great meal and conversation at Spanglish
I'm grateful for the safe drive
I'm grateful for air conditioning
I'm grateful for Sean for changing the laundry
I'm grateful for Cam for staying home with the critters
I'm grateful I have a job that pays my bills

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