Thursday, August 15, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Wands

First Impressions:  Battling for a cause, strife

Book:  Reality crashes with ideals

Guidance:  Reality clashes with ideals. Patience and perseverance are needed in order to accomplish goals.


It was such a day of contrasts today as I spent the day learning and being passionate about really interesting stuff.  Then I got sucked back into my day job when Scott called me.  I was a little pissed off, but I also know that he has a job to do as well and that he needed my help to do it well.  I also appreciate the fact that he is really gaining an appreciation of OCM.  The real struggle is my own internal struggle as I see where I want to go with my life, but I'm stuck where I'm at because of finances.  I feel trapped, but I don't know how to change my life and move into a place of living from passion.  Part of feeling trapped is the bills because if I had everything paid off, I could afford to make less money.  However, it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid.

One of the things I need to do is to be better at eating cheap when I travel because if I don't spend it, I get to keep the per diem and if I'm careful I could use some of that to pay my bills off.  I also need to just stop spending so much.  That is an inner conflict though because I know that I use spending as a way to make myself feel better.  I know it isn't smart, but sometimes I just feel like I bust my butt for everyone else and I don't get anything for me.  When I feel that way, I have a real tendency to spend, spend, spend.  Maybe I just need to ritually start turning over my spending every day and ask them to help me.

I'm grateful for the pretty drive through Durham
I'm grateful that I was able to be patient and present for Cam
I'm grateful for Cam for talking me off the ledge when I was angry
I'm grateful for choosing to take care of myself and leave early
I'm grateful for the awesome Lobster Roll
I'm grateful for the rain

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