Saturday, August 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Lonely, sad, feeling disconnected

Book:  Marching to defend their land

Guidance:  Being able to discern what makes you feel good


This image makes me sad because it feels so lonely and if he is sitting there in despair watching and crying.  That suits my mood today because it feels as if I will never have the life that I want.  I'm spending all of my time working at a job that I don't like because it pays the bills and I don't know how to get out from under the burden of my job.  I think part of the problem is that I'm really good at what I do and for the most part I do a good job of juggling, but it is all catching up to me and I feel like I'm never going to escape.  There is a big part of me that just wants to sit on a cliff and throw my phone in the water.  I hate being tethered and I hate feeling like I can't even take vacation without everyone needing something.  I think that's why I'm so excited about going away to the cabin.  The thought of not having wifi is pretty cool.  I will be able to just to chill and to just be.  I miss the opportunity to just be.

I think the other reason that this card makes me feel lonely and disconnected is because of the story of Lisa's brother.  He had pretty much checked out of life and did not do such a good job taking care of himself.  He had suicidal ideation and he talked about blowing his brains out.  He was a powerful magician and it makes me wonder if he manifested the disease that took his life by eating holes in his brain.  There are so many days that I sit here and think about how none of this is worth it.  I'm doing a job that bores me to tears and instead of being home with my family, I'm always traveling. 

Today was particularly difficult because it is a reentry day.  I'm coming back from a week doing something awesome and amazing to knowing I have to go back to my job and continue to figure out how to make it work.

I'm grateful for speaking my piece
I'm grateful for Sean's calming presence
I'm grateful that Sean participated in the 5K
I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for taking time to read
I'm grateful that I have an amazing home

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