Sunday, August 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Moon

First Impressions:  Seeing what is below the surface, reaching for the mystery

Book:  Portal into initiation, searching for answers

Guidance:  Dive deep into our emotions to find our way through the dark night of the soul

Journaling

Driving from Cleveland to Chicago was an interesting trip this time as  I am starting to uncover the depths of my father's complicity into my lack of self confidence and the wounds of my soul.  I've always blamed my mother for acting as if my life was supposed to be all about everyone else and for not supporting me, but as I come closer and closer to getting the director title, I am starting to realize that my father was not innocent in my wounding.  As I look back at my childhood, I realize that I can no longer see my mother as the monster and my father as the saint.  I also realize that I have to take my feelings out of the equation and see my father as the flawed human being that he was instead of seeing him as my adored father.  I have to see him as the instrument of the patriarchy that he was.

My father, who I know loved and adored me, injured me deeply.  When I look beyond the words he said to me, I see the pattern of misogyny that "put women in their place" which in his mind was the home.  My father was always loving and kind, but when I look at things through adult eyes instead of a child's eyes, I see that my mother working menial jobs outside of the home instead of having a true career were the result of my father's beliefs that men should support their families while women took care of them.  I know she had wanted to be a nurse, but that dream died because of his mandate.  At the time, I believed she gave up her dreams willingly for our family, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm also beginning to remember bits and pieces of conversations that happened after I'd gone to bed, conversations about radical feminists and how wrong they were.  I remember the snippets about them wanting to be men and abandoning their role.  Of course, looking back at overheard conversations from 50 years ago, it's possible I confused the word's my father said with the word's I heard on TV.  However, what I can't confuse is the fact that he did not believe in women's equality.  He did not believe that women should hold positions of power or be in positions to influence others.  He would not even attend a church with a woman pastor because he believed there was a biblical prohibition against a woman leading men.

I'm angry as I write this and think about the years that I was robbed of reaching my full potential because I bought into my father's sanctimonious misogynistic bullshit.  However, I also realize that now that I am aware of the situation it is my responsibility to rectify it.  It is my responsibility to do the ritual to let go of the past and to do the work to move forward.

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