Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Cups

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is

Journaling

I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don't understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I'm sad, but I'm really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don't think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn't think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn't think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn't like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn't matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don't need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don't get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn't honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I went out to dinner with the team
I'm grateful that Darshan is talking to Scott tomorrow
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for for getting the car packed
I'm grateful for sitting here listening to the Blues

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