Friday, August 2, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  Ungrounded, not focused

Book:   Healing and wholeness, calm and peace, pouring out blessings, there is always more love to give

Guidance:  Breathe deeply and feel her healing waters flow through your life

Journaling

It's interesting that I got a bad vibe from this card as I usually get a good vibe from the Star card as it is a card that fills me with hope and reminds me that good things are coming my way.  This card is different than most Star Cards as she appears unrooted as she doesn't have one foot on the ground and isn't kneeling into the water.  Most Star cards are kneeling and I get a sense that the person is rooted in reality.  Maybe the message to me is that hope and healing has to be grounded in reality and that I need to be sure that my love is rooted in reality too.  There is always more love to give, but the question is should you continue to give love.

That was my problem with my marriage is that I thought if I loved more or differently then he would love me, but he had no love to give so my continuing to give love only depleted me.  In a truly giving relationship love flows both ways and the love is continually recycled.  My marriage was not a giving and healthy relationship and the love was only flowing one way and when I got depleted and had nothing left to give, he left.  I know that is not his version of reality and his version of reality paints him as a victim, but he chose to be a victim and he chose to blame everyone else for his mistakes.  I said yesterday that Sean having seen how he treated Michelle opened Sean's eyes to his father's flaws, but I think it has opened my eyes as well.  Seeing how he blamed her for not being able to continue to love him made me realize that he did the same thing to me.

It also helped me to see that love truly is a verb and it is not just something you give, it is something you actively work toward.  It is a million small gestures and it takes work to love someone.  In some ways a bad marriage is very much like a dead end job where you give and give and give and you get nothing back. The love in a marriage has to be mutual or it doesn't work.

However, I do believe that blessings can be unlimited and that I can send blessings to someone without it being a drain on my energy.  I have started to flip my thinking and when I am going to say F* you to someone, I'm going to start saying Be Blessed instead.  It may not impact them, but it will impact me as I'll be putting out positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good call we had about education
I'm grateful that I finished the FICO Deck
I'm grateful that I finished the Procure to Pay deck
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful it is Friday
I'm grateful I didn't eat the Bacon and Egg sandwich
I'm grateful for the yummy watermelon


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