Monday, August 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Juggling, precarious

Book:  Grounded on the earth while reaching for the sun

Guidance:  Need to stay balanced while handling opposing needs

Journaling

This was a message I definitely needed to hear today as I was trying to do my job, but be as present as possible for Cam who was being there for Elif in her last days.  It was incredibly difficult as I really wanted to just go home and be with her, but by the time I got there, Elif would have passed and I have responsibilities that I need to meet to keep my job.  I'm realizing more and more that the number one issue I have with my life is that I don't feel like I am able to be present for anyone, including myself.  I am continually juggling client needs, my own needs, and the need to be there for my kids.  That's especially difficult right now because Cam is falling apart and I can't be there for her.  I need to stay employed to keep a roof over our heads, but I know that she needs me because she is struggling so much.  She missed the first day of her GA position to be with Elif and although my heart says that it was the right decision, my brain says it was not.

I also have to deal with Sean who is being completely unhelpful.  He took off to ride roller coasters today because he couldn't deal with it emotionally.  And instead of saying that he was unable to be there, he got angry at everyone and raged.  He is such a tender soul and he loves the ferrets, maybe even more than Cam.  He was so hopeful over the weekend and he thought she would get better.  He was completely unable to accept that she wasn't going to make it and I think the reason that he went out today is because he couldn't handle it.  I know he was devastated when Luke died, but I think he is even more devastated by Elif's death. 

I don't know what being present and juggling looks like going forward, but I do know that something needs to change as I'm struggling with how to truly be present for anyone.  I just keep bouncing from thing to thing and I feel like I am messing everything up. The sales calls was especially hard because I told them I had to leave at 1, but they ignored us and just kept talking about other things.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful I got through the day without collapsing
I'm grateful I was able to be as present as possible for Cam
I'm grateful I juggled as best I could
I'm grateful I did not totally flame JS, although I really wanted to for her insulting comment
I'm grateful Cam is so kind and tenderhearted
I'm grateful that I did not flame Sean for his inability to be present

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