Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Cups

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains

Journaling:

I'm so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I'm struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I'm terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she'll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I'm going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he's not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don't even know how to name.  All I know is that I'm going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Cam is doing okay
I'm grateful for the nice weather
I'm grateful for not blowing up at anyone today
I'm grateful for being safe and snug in my hotel room
I'm grateful for standing up for myself
I'm grateful there are jobs to apply for
I'm grateful for the support from our internal team
I'm grateful for Vince's email

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