Monday, September 30, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.


Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity


Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I'm realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I'm realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I've grown tremendously in the last few years, I'm realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That's a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn't so and that hopes I'm wrong, but I'm not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don't need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful that Sean got home safely
I'm grateful for bundt cakes with the fam
I'm grateful that I got to Minster safely
I'm grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Fool

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.


Tarot de St. Croix
Dark Goddess Question:  Why is this being sacrificed?

First Impressions:  Laughter, at ease

Book:   Having no idea of where the journey is taking us

Dark Goddess Book:  Dare to come back to where you began

Guidance:  Look beyond our fears to see what is really being sacrificed, trust the journey




Dark Goddess Guidance:  Enter into a new opportunity with trust, but not blindness, allow knowledge to arise in unexpected ways, release expectation and judgement, release shame

Journaling:

Wow!  Once I was able to get past my own fears and read the two of cups as letting go of the walls I've built, this card makes so much sense as it is about letting go of the fears and boundaries that are holding me back.  It is about stepping into the abyss and trusting that I will have what I need.  However, what I love about the reading is that the guidance is to enter into the new opportunity with trust, but not blindness.  This makes sense as it means I'm supposed to trust that I will be taken care of, but I can't be stupid about it and I need to use my head as well as my heart to make decisions.  I love that this card also talks about releasing shame because a lot of what is holding me back is shame.  I was raised to believe that I was not good enough and I have carried that burden deep within my psyche.  However, as I continue to grow and blossom I'm slowly eradicating that message from my life and there are days when it feels like I am a machete to chop through the undergrowth to get to the beautiful me that lies underneath. 

Sheela Na Gig reminds me to "Release the judgement from others that you have turned and heaped upon yourself."  I needed this because as I was reflecting on this card, I got a letter from my mother from whom I've been estranged for almost 10 years because she is a judgmental bitch who always makes me feel bad about myself.  The last time she reached out was on my 50th birthday 3 years ago when she responded to a public post on Facebook with a completely inappropriate comment.  Then she tried to guilt trip me into talking to her and never acknowledged anything she had done.  I sent her a letter and explained why I wasn't talking to her and received nothing in response.  And this letter was more of the same as it was all about her.  There was no expression of remorse and no true apology.  This reminder from Sheela Na Gig means I will not respond and will continue to maintain my boundaries; however, the more important reminder is to know when to cover my heart and when to let my swords fall by my side.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for having time to think and dream
I'm grateful for the work Cam did in getting the Wendy/Clark room cleaned up
I'm grateful for hanging out at home
I'm grateful for the yummy Jambalya
I'm grateful for my home

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Cups

Note:  Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I'm working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions:  Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions:  Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book:  Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance:  Celebrate love




Dark Goddess Tarot
Dark Goddess Guidance:  Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love.  However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me.  As I've reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I'm realizing that what I'm being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I've put up to keep me from opening my heart to love.  I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I've barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love.  And it isn't just the physical barriers either, I've also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I'm in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I'm realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it.  I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I've spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist.  However, with the realization that I'm okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship.  My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again.  I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart.  Those are difficult messages for me as I'm really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up.  However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that's not where I want to be.


Gratiudes

I'm grateful for getting my paper done
I'm grateful for having a low key day
I'm grateful for getting a small walk in
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the good weekend with Cam

Friday, September 27, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hanged Man

Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I'm working through messages from this month.


Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Book:  Do something to gain a new perspective, travel into the subconscious

Dark Goddess Tarot:  What has been lost lives in hidden places

Guidance:  Look at life from a different perspective, surrender to what is

Guidance from the Dark Goddess Tarot:  Surrender to the inexorable forces of time, get in touch with your intuition, look at symbols, look at things from a different point of view


Dark Goddess Tarot
Journaling

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I'm comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I've fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I've learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I'm in a much better place.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good meetings with my client
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home
I'm grateful for the Casey's pizza
I'm grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Two of Swords

Tarot de St. Croix
Two of Swords
First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don't seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don't seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don't know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that's hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It's interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn't even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I've also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I've learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I'm avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I've let go of the pain and that I'm open to love that I'm really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I'm not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I've done some of that work, but it seems that it is

Gratitudes

I'm grateful my flight was on time
I'm grateful for the good convo with Tom
I'm grateful for the red jeep
I'm grateful Sean arrived safely
I'm grateful that my hotel is quiet
I'm grateful for the Portillos

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ten of Wands

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature

Journaling

This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I'm feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else's problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won't get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That's interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that's something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the exchange with Sean
I'm grateful Cam is okay
I'm grateful for the conversation with John
I'm grateful for the thank you from Joe
I'm grateful for

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn't even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don't end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that's okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don't even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I'm so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I'm tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I'm putting out there, it's no wonder that I'm miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don't have.  Once Cam's trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good sessions
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out
I'm grateful for watching NCIS
I'm grateful that I'm employed
I'm grateful that I have peace and quiet
I'm grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests
I'm grateful that Cam is okay

Monday, September 23, 2019

Deliberate Draw: High Priestess

First Impressions:  Magic and mystery, being true to ourselves, ancient female mysteries

Book:  Magic of shapeshifting, ability to fly to other realms

Guidance: Listen to our inner wisdom

Journaling

Isis is telling me that I am the high priestess of my own life and that I need to set my own course.  I will be given guidance, but I need to decide deep within my soul what I want to do.  Do I want to continue to be a wage slave or do I want to explore my passion and change the world?  Most days being a wage slave is easy as it means just showing up and doing my job, but it is really hard for me not to put my heart and soul into something.  I do know that I'm struggling right now as I feel totally overwhelmed and as if I am totally sucking at everything I touch.  That's a really bad feeling because I like to deliver excellence, but that's really hard to do when I'm split between so many projects and I feel like I don't get to know and truly help anyone.

I'm also not feeling like I really get a chance to impact anyone's life as all I do i pop in and out and deal with the science piece of change management.  I want to truly help people and I don't know how to move from what I do now into helping people.  Maybe the first piece is to see if I can set a rate for coaching that would cover my existing salary.  That would give me an idea of what I needed to do to move into a coaching position.  I can also research coaching programs to see if I can get the training I need to get certified.  Those are good first steps.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for Jamie's support
I'm grateful for the good calls today
I'm grateful for the call with David
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for Christy and Carrie being kind
I'm grateful for working through a lot of my backlog
I'm grateful for Tom's kind words


Tarot Blog Hop: What is my Harvest and How Do I Find It?

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For this Tarot Blog Hop, our fearless Wrangler Maureen Aisling Duffy-Boose asked us to contemplate the question of What Is My Harvest and How Do I Find It?  She said, "The Autumn Equinox, also known as Mabon, is the focus of collecting one's personal harvest, including what you have learned, what you have decided is important and what you have decided to get rid of, your plans for making productive use of the autumn and winter months, including thoughts of the holidays that fall within this time, and your own personal viewing and self-exploration of your own inner Being. How have you changed, what are you beginning, and what have you completed, and most significantly, how have you begun to further and more deeply understand your Self?"   I chose to use the Herbcrafter's Tarot by Latisha Guthrie and Joanna Powell Colbert to answer these questions for body, mind, and spirit:

  • What do I need to know about the current condition of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) that I am not aware of right now? (Current Condition)
  • What is the most important thing on which I need to focus in the realm of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) as I move into the winter months? (Most Important)
  • What is the main content and context of the harvest of better health, new ideas, or deeper spiritual resonance, allied with Body, Mind, or Spirit,  that I am going to receive if I focus on these things? (Harvest to Receive)

Body

Current Condition
Horsetail (Ten of Earth) tells me that I am safe and secure and that I need to connect with all that I have been given.  The message I'm receiving as I'm sitting here in my beautiful house is that there is beauty all around me and that I have been given many blessings.   Horsetail also tells me that my body is stronger than I think, but that I need to look to my ancestors for lessons and learn from them.  This is an interesting lesson as what immediately springs to mind is that I need to let go of my sugar cravings and really start to listen to my body.  My mother's family used sugar to number their emotions and their feelings and I need to let go of the sugar so I can really get in touch with who I am and what my body really needs.

Most Important
Alfalfa (Ten of Air) tells me that I need to let go of old body images and things that no longer serve me.  I also need to take time to rest and rejuvenate.  One of the hardest lessons of Alfalfa is to let go of what no longer serves me.  Alfalfa is reminding me that body is not just my physical body, but it is also about my environment and I need to take a critical look at my house and environment and determine what I really need and what can be let go of.  Too much clutter leads to being overwhelmed and staying in a state of chaos.  By letting go of things, I can free up room in my life for what really matters.

Harvest to Receive
Thyme (Madre/Queen of Fire)--Letting go of that which no longer serves me will help meto be present in my body and to live a more physical life.  This means opening myself up to the wonders of the herbs, the wonders of my body, and the wonders of the physical realm.  Life really does occur on all three realms and if I can bring myself back to your body, by shedding that which no longer serves my, my life will become rich and full.  Best of all I will learn to embrace and love my own body.  This was an interesting message as it mirrored the message above which tells me that when I am able to shed the things that no longer  serve me, my life will become richer and fuller.

Mind 

Current Conditions
Plantain (Ace of Water)--Plantain is telling me that my heart is pulling me in the direction of my soul and that I desperately want to listen to my heart, but that my mind is overruling my heart.  Plantain is also telling me that fear is not a valid reason for not listening to the message of my heart.  I'm buying into the fact that the fear feels real even though it isn't.  I'm being asked to step back and feel my feelings without acting upon them.  Anytime I think about leaving a corporate job, I'm hearing my parents telling me that I need security so I redicate myself to a job that I'm good at, but that is sucking up my soul.  I need to step back and accept that the fear is not real and be thankful for all of the skills I have learned in my corporate job.

Most Important
Mullein (Air of Fire)--This is another call urging me to take action and move to a life of soul and purpose.  I'm being asked to seek inspiration and find courage.  This is also another card that is asking me to seek guidance from my ancestors and initially that seems strange to me, but my guides are whispering that I need to look beyond my physical ancestors to the ancestors of my heart and soul and to find the wild women who inspire me.  To call upon Boudicaa, to call about Frida Kahlo, and to call upon other wild women who lived their lives out loud.

Harvest to Receive
Yucca (Adelito of Earth)--This is yet another card of honoring the ancestors and this card is asking me to be creative and unique in how I honor the ancestors.  What I love about this particular card is that it is showing a young woman crafting a Bridget's Cross with a Yucca plant which is drawing a connection between traditions.  I have always been a bridge between something or another and this card is calling upon me to bridge traditions and apply old knowledge in new ways.  One of the ways that I'm being asked to do this is to apply what I know about the world of spirit to the more mundane world and help people find a new way of looking at the world.

Spirit

Current Conditions
Sweetgrass (Curandero of Earth)--This is an interesting card as it is about love and community, but I am truly a very solitary person, but the message I am getting is that I am more of the community than I know.  I am part of the global community of spirit and I can choose to deepen those ties by sharing my gifts more deeply with the community.

Most Important
Echinacea (Three of Air)--Acknowledging and sitting with my sorrow is what will help me heal.  The pain that I have experienced in the past will lead me to be able to help and guide others.  Our pain is meant to be shared, but that doesn't mean we leave it with others, it means that as we share it, the earth will absorb it.  We tend to either want to dump all over people or to not share with people and either way is inappropriate.  The message I am receiving is to learn to listen with an open heart, but not take people's pain.  I can help them ground and help them dissipate their pain, but my role is not to absorb it.

Harvest to Receive
Ocotillo (Adelito of Water)--Nurture your heart through love and beauty, but know that giving your whole heart indiscriminately can head to heartbreak.  Learn to be discriminating and learn to listen with your heart and your head.

Summary

This was my very first time using the Herbcrafter's Tarot and I was impressed by the reading it gave me especially because I have been contemplating moving from a corporate job to something more heart based.  This pull gave me a lot to think about and reflect upon.

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Sunday, September 22, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions:  Creativity, Imagination, Daydreaming

Book:  Youthful energies creating an alternate reality

Guidance:  Transform an old paradigm into something new and playful

Journaling

This card is a reminder that I need downtime in my life to be creative and to come up with unique solutions.  I've been so busy lately that I haven't let myself take time to just be and it's made me short tempered and made me feel trapped.  It's also had me feeling very overwhelmed.  I feel like there is just so much to do that I don't dare take anytime to just walk in the park, smell the flowers, or just be.  I've been pushing myself to just do, do, do and it seems like I'm working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I know part of it is because I chose to take 4 courses this semester which is kind of an insane course load for someone working full time, but at the time I signed up for those courses, I didn't realize that OCM would explode and I'd have more work than I can handle. 

I was sitting on the couch today trying to work on a paper and I just couldn't do it.  My brain could not do it and I realized that I was overwhelmed with everything that was going on and that it is perfectly okay that I can't do everything at once and that I really need to be honest with myself about what is and is not realistic.  I also need to pace myself and not expect that I am going to have everything done the day it is assigned.  I would love to do that, but it isn't realistic and it is perfectly okay to not be a kamakazi about work.  I can do a little bit every day and it will all get done.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the beautiful sunflowers
I'm grateful for the awesome pork chops
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for taking time to meditate
I'm grateful for the mandarin oranges

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Swords

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I've come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I'm realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I've felt as if I didn't have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I'm struggling with as it feels as if I'm using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that's not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don't have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don't have to read it.  I'm just posting the message and that's easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think "selling" gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven't been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I'm taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I'm going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I've historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for dinner with the kids
I'm grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos
I'm grateful for laughing with Cam
I'm grateful for spending time taroting
I'm grateful for yummy beans and rice
I'm grateful for my peaceful home
I'm grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

Friday, September 20, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions:  What goes up, must come down

Book:  Fullness of complexity and life

Guidance: flow with the turning of the wheel

Journaling

As I read this, all I can think of is that this is another version of surrendering. Surrendering and trusting that life will flow as it is meant to flow.  That is such a difficult lesson sometimes as I love to control things, but the lesson I have received so many times in so many different ways over the course of the past few months is to just surrender.  All I can do is show up and do the work that is on my plate and follow the clues of my life the best that I can.  I cannot control all of the outcomes.  It's interesting as I reflect on my life is that this is a lesson that seems to come up again and again and again.  All I can do is do the work, I cannot control what happens.  I like to control what happens and I want to do my best, but at the end of the day there are so many things that are outside of my control.

I used to buy into the belief that I had total control over my life and that if I put the right energy out there, I would get what I wanted.  However, I learned that there is a dark side to that lesson and that if that is the way that life works, then if life does not go my way, I just somehow be at fault.  That is demoralizing thinking and all it does is make people want to give up.  I believe, just as I believed way back in eighth grade when I wrote a paper on the topic, that life is a combination of destiny and free will.  We are presented with certain situations and the decisions we make drive the outcomes of those decisions.  To some that might sound like we are in control of our destiny, but we're not because the situations that come our way are outside of our control.  All we can do is control our reactions and our decisions.  In some ways that makes makes life a lot harder because it means that I can't wrap myself in a bubble and control every aspect of my life.  All I can do is control my actions.  I can control whether or not I get my school work done, but I can't necessarily control which opportunities come my way as a result of school.

All I can do is do the best I can to move forward and that means accepting that sometimes I will be pushed off into the deep end, but that if I accept, surrender, and do my part, I will come back out into the light, but it might not be where I was expecting to come out.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy cupcakes
I'm grateful for waking up with Wen's paw on me
I'm grateful for snuggling with Clark
I'm grateful for clean dishes
I'm grateful for my snuggly comforter
I'm grateful for getting the recruiting deck done
I'm grateful for the cool air
I'm grateful for time spent blogging

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Hierophont

First Impressions:  Peace, Wisdom, Inner mirroring outer

Book:  Leader who uses his status to spread a message of love, hope, compassion, and acceptance

Guidance:  Search for a teacher who channels divine wisdom

Journaling

One of my favorite aspects of the Dali Lama is that he is a spiritual leader who leads without dogma and he lives his life according to his faith.  He doesn't preach that his version of faith is any better or worse than anyone else's and he has lessons that speak to us all.  When I first became a pagan, I thought I was being anti-dogmatic because I was so upset by how Christians acted.  However, what I came to realize was that my anti-dogma was actually dogma because my views of Christianity were so negative that I considered anyone who practiced Christianity as stupid and unworthy of my respect.  However, as time went on, I started to realize that my problem was not really with Christianity, but with the misogynistic version of my childhood.  I'd been brought up believing that Catholics were bad, that Jews were bad, and that women were especially bad.  Those experiences prevented me from seeing the beauty in Christ's messages of healing and love.

It was only when I became a fully actualized grownup and spent some time actually reading the words of Christ and studying his life, that I realized he was a healer and some would say a shaman.  I realized that he appreciated women and treated them as equals and that his was a message of love and not division.  I'm comfortable in my own very eclectic spirituality, but learning the truth about Christianity has helped me to let go of my own dogma as I've realized that dogma in any way shape or form can hurt people if it is based on a doctrine of fear and othering.  I've started to look for teachers and lessons from all faiths as I've realized that most faiths do have something  beautiful and positive to offer.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good call to review recruiting and onboarding
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the creativity Cam and I are expressing
I'm grateful for cuddling with Wendy
I'm grateful for yummy Pizza
I'm grateful for the awesome salad that I had
I'm grateful for being caught up on my homework
I'm grateful for Sean taking the doggos for a walk

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Devil

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone's thumb, inability to act on one's own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It's interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else's control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren't.  I'm sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn't about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I'm so wonderful, being a victim says that I'm a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I'm learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I finished my paper
I'm grateful for the awesome steaks for dinner
I'm grateful for the conversation with David
I'm grateful Scott will be able to see me next week
I'm grateful that I have work to do
I'm grateful for the conversation with Christie
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the awesome salad from Zagara's

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Magician

First Impressions:  Magic, Power, Control, Making things happen

Book:  Rumi bringing gifts on the solstice.  Using will, the elements, and Spirit to manifest that which is desired

Guidance:  Through focused energy we are able to harness the means to create our destiny

Journaling

Interesting that I've been picking a lot of cards about manifesting lately and about using energy to manifest what we want.  This is one of my very favorite images of the magician as I love how he is channeling the cards themselves into being.  Manifestation has been on my mind lately as I think about what it really takes to manifest and how it is not just lighting a few candles and chanting, it is also putting our hearts, our souls, and the sweat of our brow into bringing what we want into fruition.  I've used that formula to manifest lots of things in my life including the very house that I'm sitting in.

The question I'm pondering now is how to manifest things that are more eternal, like love and friendship?  What magick do I do and what real world actions do I take to bring love and friendship into my life?  And how do I do that magick when my life is so crazy and it seems like I'm never in one place long enough to go out and meet people?  This is a quandary that I've been pondering for quite some time as I think about what magick and manifestation means to me.  Maybe the bottom line is that I still need to do some work on loving myself.  I have come so far, but maybe there is still work to do.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy on the couch
I'm grateful for Sean going to get Ohio City Burrito
I'm grateful for getting work done
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather out
I'm grateful for the kids taking the dog's for a walk
I'm grateful for both doggos
I'm grateful for Cam getting french fries


Monday, September 16, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Emperor

First Impressions:  Standing the test of time

Book:  Father bringing structure and guidance, confidence, leadership

Guidance:  Cared of empowerment, share our skills to lead others to their own achievements

Journaling

I chose this card because I needed strong structural energy today.  This card is about being the architect of our own lives, being confident, being visionary, and owning our lives.    I feel like I am finally able to do that and to own my life.  I'm comfortable being alone and I'm comfortable being responsible for my life.  I no longer feel like I'm less than and that I need to rely on someone else to be a whole person.  The interesting thing is that I feel it in my whole being as I even walk more confidently than I did in the past.  I stand taller and I stride more confidently.  Coming into your own life is an interesting thing as it is about owning your life.  Owning the good stuff and the bad stuff.  There are things in my life that I don't want to own like sometimes being petty or othering people, but what I have found is that by being able to own the bad stuff, I'm able to take steps to change it. 

As I read that, I realize that this goes back to the 3As in Al-Anon:  Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.  First I become aware of a situation and its negative impacts.  This can come from someone pointing something out or my becoming aware myself of a situation.  The next piece is acceptance and that means accepting my part of the situation and being objective about it.  Acceptance is not about beating myself up or bemoaning my fate, it is about looking at things from a factual perspective and about what I did or did not do to contribute to the situation.  The next step is action, which is figuring what I can do to change the situation, make amends, or learn from for the next time a similar situation arises.  The most uncomfortable part for me of the 3As is acceptance and having to look at my own contribution to situations. 

Applying the 3As and taking ownership of your life means not playing the victim and accepting that even if there are things that are outside of your control, you are still responsible for your response to the situation.  That's another lesson from Al-Anon, learning to respond instead of react.  Responding means taking my time and developing a thoughtful response instead of shooting from the hip.  For me, the process of learning to respond unfortunately can mean working through anger, frustration, and other difficult emotions and I don't always work through those in the prettiest of ways, but I am getting better about it.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that we have power
I'm grateful for the support I got from John and Vince
I'm grateful for the yummy dinner with Sean
I'm grateful that my meetings were over soon
I'm grateful for the good conversation about my PhD
I'm grateful for Ace of Cups
I'm grateful I got to sleep vertically on my bed
I'm grateful Cam is okay

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Knight of Cups

First Impressions:  Capturing the flow, flowing into my heart

Book:  Welcoming feelings

Guidance:  Acting from the heart

Journaling

Acting from my heart is sometimes difficult for me as acting from the heart means that my heart has to be open and I have to be willing to let my love flow out and let love flow in.  That's hard for me.  However, the more removed I am from John and Charlene, the more I am able to act from the art and to accept the love that flows into my heart as real.  I've always assumed that people wanted something from me and had the feeling that no one could love me for me.  However, the last few years I've been able to just act from my heart and do what needs to be done.  Sometimes, that means I need to make time for people when I really don't have it, but when I am able to put aside the work and just be present for people, amazing things happen.  The paper I need to write will always be there, but the people I love may not.  That means learning to be more patient and loving with Wendy as well.  It is frustrating for me when she wants to totally be in my face, but that is her way of showing love and the more I am able to open myself to her love, the calmer she gets and she's able to just cuddle instead of love bombing.

One of the hardest parts about opening my heart is opening it without expectations.  I've had to let go of the expectation that if I open my heart than I will the romantic love that I desire.  I've had to learn to just open my heart without any expectations of being loved back.  That's incredibly hard as there is a possibility that I will be hurt.  However, when I go down that path, I think about the amazing dogs that I've had in my life and how despite coming from horrible and potentially abusive backgrounds, they've been able to open their hearts up and love fully and deeply.  They are just able to be in the moment and to love and it is an amazing thing to witness.  And when they do receive love they just blossom.  I need to be more like the doggos.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the yummy apples
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for the Krispy Kremes
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful that Sean appreciated the donuts
I'm grateful for the beautiful day
I'm grateful for finishing my paper

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  Maintaining emotional stability

Book:  High emotions and positive feelings

Guidance:  Enjoy a surge of emotions, particularly love, joy, and hope

Journaling

Listening to Cam's testimony this evening was one of the hardest things I've every done as I needed to help her by asking hard questions when all I wanted to do was comfort her.  However, even though I am angry about what happened, I am so glad that she survived and I am so glad that I am able to be kind and supportive to her.  She's stressed, but she is doing an amazing job of holding up and I am so proud of her.  I did feel a surge of love today as I realized how much love I am surrounded by and it is a good feeling to know that I am in a position to both give and receive love.  After Sean got home, the three of us sat and talked and laughed for a while before going to bed.  Our home is full of such love and support and even when one of us is cranky, we are able to love and support each other.

As I write this, I'm listening to the band Ace of Cups and feeling such peace and joy.  I love their story as they started as a band in the 1960s, but never received a recording contract.  Now there is a resurgence in interest in their music and they are recording.  It is such a great story.  It also made me realize the true power of connection as I discovered there music a few months ago and when I went to Lisa's site today to read about the card, I found they had sent her a note about the deck.  That just made me feel so connected and full of Goddess love.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk with Cam and the dogs
I'm grateful for Sean getting Jimmy John's
I'm grateful for having the time to work on my paper
I'm grateful Cam is cleaning out the "Dog Room"
I'm grateful for sitting outside with Wendy
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the time spent laughing with the kids

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions: Going into battle, shields up

Book:  Warrior for truth and justice, bravery

Guidance:  Make decisions with clarity and focus

Journaling

One of the lessons I've learned over the past 30 years is that being a parent is truly being a warrior.  Cam is struggling right now with the trial coming up and although I'm struggling as well, I need to put my shields up and be strong for her.  I need to protect her and take care of her and be a warrior to make sure she gets treated fairly and she gets what she needs.  That isn't easy because there is a part of me that wants to break down and cry with sadness over the situation and there is a part of me that wants to march into battle and take down whoever hurt my child.  I want to go all mama bear and slay any beast that hurts my child.  However, I cannot fully protect her from going to trial, she is going to have to stand up on that witness stand and speak her truth.  She is going to have to be brave and strong and stare down the person that did this to her.

And while I am happy to be her knight in shining armor and go into battle for her, there is a part of me that wishes I had someone standing in my corner who was willing and capable of being my knight in shining armor.  I wish that I had someone to rely on who was there to slay my dragons.  I know that I'm capable of slaying my own dragons, but there are days it would be really nice to have someone to slay them for me.  Sometimes I think that I have my shields up all the time and that I not only keep away the bad guys, I also keep away the people that I would like to have in my life.  I'm realizing that I don't know how to put down my shields and be at peace.

I think I need to figure out how to do that.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for the beautiful drive to Kent
I'm grateful that Cam is doing Ok
I'm grateful for the good meeting with Davey Tree
I'm grateful for the good skype with Ted

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Tower

First Impressions:  Falling, grief, collapse

Book:  Something new can be built, change will bring release from habitual patterns that no longer serve us

Guidance:  Old structures fall down bringing release from old patterns

Journaling

I chose the tower today because it is the day that the towers fell and 18 years after that event, I'm realizing that the falling of the towers was not just a terrorist attack on the United States, I'm also realizing that in some ways the falling of the towers represented the fall of the patriarchy, the fall of our hubris, the release of our arrogance.  America has always been a place that prides itself on its openness and acceptance and while the towers falling brought out some of the best of humanity, it also brought out some of the worst.  We had Sikhs and Muslims attacked because people could not separate the fact from the fantasy and could not accept that people other than Christians could be peace loving.

Trump represents the worst of us and I believe he is deepening the tower times as his policies are harming so many people.  However, I believe that ultimately the message of the tower will be reinforced and there will be something else we are able to build on the ashes of what we have now.  There is so much ugliness and pain, but I think that exposing the layers of ugliness will help us clean out the old and the nasty and create a new world.

Never Forget!

Gratitudes
I'm grateful people still remember 09/11
I'm grateful for the beautiful day
I'm grateful for the pizza
I'm grateful for getting to go home a day early
I'm grateful for the beautiful Chicago skyline
I'm grateful for driving down LSD in a little red convertible
I'm grateful for a hug from Scott

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions:  Let the situation flow, don't try to control things

Book: Feel your feelings

Guidance:  Immerse yourself in your feelings until you can feel them

Journaling

Actually feeling your feelings is something that I learned when I was in Al-Anon as until that time I had ignored my feelings because it was too painful and scary to actually acknowledge what I was feeling.  I also know that during my marriage everything was rage as I was so angry all the time.  I didn't realize that I was actually feeling sadness, grief, fear, and a host of other emotions until I was out of the situation.  It was when I started going to Al-Anon and hearing people talk about feeling their feelings that I realized that ignoring my feelings only meant that I was constantly feeling rage and anger because I was afraid of the "weaker" emotions like grief, sadness, and fear.  In some ways, it was just easier to puff myself up with anger than to acknowledge that I was afraid my marriage would not last, that I was feeling shame over who I was, and that I was grieving the perfect life I thought I was going to have.  Anger also allowed me to avoid responsibility for my life as I could say that everyone else made me angry without looking at what I was responsible for.

I remember sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee crying as I started to feel sadness, grief, and other emotions for what might have been the first time.  They were still painful and uncomfortable, but actually feeling the real emotions instead of just anger let me process them and by acknowledging them, I was able to work through why I was feeling what I was feeling.  That day was a big step in my healing and it helped me to understand what people meant when they said I needed to feel my feelings.  This card reminds me that I need to feel what I'm feeling without being judgmental and beating myself up for whatever I'm feeling.  It's okay to feel shame, it's okay to feel fear, and it is okay to feel grief.  What I've found is that sitting with my feelings and really identifying them does help me to work through them.  Writing them out or sharing them with honest statements that say "I feel..." are also very liberating.

Sitting with your feelings is incredibly hard, but when you learn to do it, it really does make your life better.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the time spent working on school work
I'm grateful for the good meeting on Continuum
I'm grateful for the yummy leftovers
I'm grateful for the fresh watermelon
I'm grateful for the warm weather
I'm grateful for the good PMO meeting

Monday, September 9, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Harvest, Sun, of the earth

Book: Expression of abundance

Guidance:  Begin a new project with confidence knowing that it will grow to its fullest potential and flourish

Journaling

I've been getting a lot of messages about new projects lately and about starting new endeavors, but I don't know what those new endeavors are.  I know that there is a part of me that is being called to work more intimately with individuals instead of with organizations, to truly minister to the needs of people instead of just helping big corporations make money.  However, I don't know what that looks like, if it take the form of teaching, the form of online teaching, the form of working at a university, I just don't know exactly what it looks like.

What I do know is that there is change in the air and that I'm going to be called on to serve in a different and more unique way.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I do know that it is coming as I feel an excitement in the air as my life will more closely align with my heart's purpose.  It may be just learning to look at what I already do differently or it may mean a change of pace.  All I know from my work and my personal experience is that I need to open my heart to the change and be open to whatever comes my way.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the safe drive
I'm grateful for the funny conversation with Cam
I'm grateful that my meetings went well
I'm grateful for the candy
I'm grateful for Jamie's smiles
I'm grateful I got to sleep late
I'm grateful I got some work done on my workshop reflection paper
I'm grateful I got some work done on my taroting

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Peacefulness, at ease with one's self

Book:  Gathering sunflowers, at peace, harvesting power to manifest

Guidance:  Prosperity comes from doing the work you love, trust the universe

Journaling

The nine of pentacles is a card that I haven't always liked as sometimes it seems the woman is caged instead of at peace with herself.  That's something I've been feeling more and more lately as I grow into my life and my wisdom.  I still have my moments where I freak out or feel victimized, but I'm better able to step back and look at what I'm really feeling instead of what I think I'm feeling.  That is a powerful way to be as all too often we let what we think we feel drive us instead of acknowledging what is at the core of our feelings.  I was feeling angry and resentful today about having to fly early in the morning after the client cancelled the meeting, but I didn't want to spend the money to change the ticket.  However, once I took a step back and realized that I was really upset because I knew that if I flew, I would feel awful all week, I was able to make a decision that let me take care of myself.  I chose to drive and to stop part way so that I could get a good night sleep, which means I will be productive this week.

Prosperity of the heart, soul, and pocketbook does come from living a life I love, but it doesn't mean it is all about the work.  One of the things I've realized is that I can have a job that I don't mind and that pays the bills and have other things that touch my soul.  My ideal way of being would be to make my living doing something I love and I still hold out hope that I will get there, but in the meantime I'm working at an okay job where I am learning a lot of life lessons and I'm pursing my passions.  I think that is okay to have a job that supports my passions. 

The other part of this is opening up to trusting the universe to lead you down the best path and to lead you to the lessons you need to learn.  It's also important to understand that sometimes the lessons are not pleasant and you need to surrender to the lessons so that you can come out the other side.  All too often, I find myself fighting lessons and trying to work around them instead of surrendering to them and accepting there are lessons.  When I am able to step into things and surrender, my life is so much better.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for walking at Mohican
I'm grateful for the yummy pizza
I'm grateful for Cam and I working together to pack the car
I'm grateful for getting home safely
I'm grateful for deciding to drive instead of fly
I'm grateful for getting to Valpo safely
I'm grateful for my paycheck

Saturday, September 7, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions:  The beauty of the night sky, being covered by mama's love

Book:  Hope for your dreams to manifest, time of renewal and inspiration

Guidance:  Relax, be at peace, and all will be well

Journaling

There is something magical about sitting outside around a bonfire with the stars high above.  It is as if the stars above are reflected in the bonfire.  Bonfires also  invite shared intimacies and the sharing of secrets.  It was a wonderful day as we woke up late, went to the store to get a few groceries, spent some time lazing around, then went hiking.  The hike was funny because neither dog was terribly thrilled with the idea of walking in nature.  Both of them gingerly picked their way over the trail and periodically stopped to cry and whine.  Wendy especially whined when Clark and Cam got too far ahead of us.  She is such a loving little soul as she truly loves her people and wants to make sure they are close.

I love the darkness and the feeling of infinity that the night sky brings.  It is as if all my hopes and dreams can come true and as if there is nothing that can stop me from achieving my dreams.  In the darkness, there is mystery and magic and all the obstacles of the day are shrouded.  I know that the night can also cover up evil and hide wrong doing, but for me there is magic and possibility in the night time that doesn't always exist in the light.  Nighttime and bonfires are especially magical when there is just a little bit of a chill in the air and the magic of fall is starting to creep up on you. 

When I sit around a campfire at night, I'm taken back to my lives before this one, when I was a shaman and the night and the bonfire were the distraction.  We talked, we laughed, and we shared.  We needed to be around the fire in order to be safe as many believed that the night held scary mysteries and not comforting warmth.  As I sat by the fire with Cam, I felt myself slip away to that far away lifetime when I was part of a community and not part of the world.  I think that we have lost something as the world has gotten smaller and we live in a global community instead of a community that clusters around a campfire to keep the monsters of the night away.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the walk in the woods
I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for working on the fenced in porch
I'm grateful for snuggling with both dogs
I'm grateful for watching Wendy run in the water
I'm grateful for the deep sleep I got
I'm grateful for Wendy's funny little noises

Friday, September 6, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Queen of Wands

First Impressions:  Strength, wildness

Book:  Inspires and leads others to their own creativity and power

Guidance:  Recognize your own worth and  radiate it to others

Journaling

One of the things I'm most proud of over the past 8 years is that I have started to really claim and own my value.  After so many years of being beaten down by my mother, then John, I had really started to believe that I had no worth or value other than what I could do for others.  I automatically assumed everyone else's opinions about me were valid and I had no worth of my own.  Even though there were times when I would call people who had feedback stupid, I always took it to heart and it eroded a little bit of my soul.  However, since leaving John, I've started to realize that I do have worth and value just for being me and that I can choose to accept someone else's opinion of me or I can choose to disagree.

Today was an interesting day as Scott had given me feedback that OV did not think I was a cultural fit for their organization.  Instead of letting myself be devalued and viewing myself as defective, I was able to own my strength and own my value and realize that this was not a value judgement and that it did not mean I did not have worth and value.  Instead it is about being a fit for a situation and even though I disagree with how they want their project to be run and even though I would advise them differently, ultimately it is your choice and I would rather know now than to get into the project and have clashes.  This lets me move on and work with clients who do value me and my approach and them find someone who fits for their culture.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the time Cleary spent with us
I'm grateful Cam is not totally freaking out about this
I'm grateful for the strawberry shortcake
I'm grateful I have money to buy expensive cakes
I'm grateful that I've started to claim my power


Deliberate Draw: The Chariot

First Impressions:  Moving forward, keeping your eye on the prize

Book:  Card of movement and victory, symbol for a journey of self discovery and worldly ambition

Guidance:  You are well on your way to achieving your ambition, keep up momentum

Journaling:

It's funny but when I travel for my own reasons, I feel like I'm able to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and am able to focus on who I really am at my core.  Being someplace else away from my stuff and all the weirdness of everyday life, really helps me to focus on what matters to me and on who I am at my core.  Being here in the woods with the dogs and Cam makes life simpler and I can focus on the beauty that is all around me and on the fact that a lot of the stuff that I do on a day to day basis doesn't matter so much.  What matters is learning, loving, and being true to myself.

The question for me is how to get to a life where I can live my essence every day and not have to deal with all the weirdness and ugliness that comes with my day to day life.  How do I get to be the introvert that I am at my core instead of the extrovert that I pretend to be in my day to day life?  How do I get to where I can focus on what matters to me instead of what matters to other people?  How can I get to the point where I am truly me and not who everyone else thinks that I am?  I don't have the answers to those questions, but I know that if I keep asking those questions and keep being true to myself, I will find the answers.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy hanging out in the woods, cooking hot dogs over a fire, and just being true to my own nature.

I chose the chariot because it is a symbol of moving forward and it is a way to blaze a trail from where I am and who I am to who I want to be.  I don't yet know how to get there, but I will figure it out.  I also chose the chariot because it reminds me of Clark's reaction to the Amish buggies and how astonished he was to see a "big hoof dog" pulling a cart.  The look on his face was so priceless and that's a memory that I will cherish.


Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the nice drive down
I'm grateful for the cozy cabin
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the yummy Whoppers
I'm grateful for the amazing smell of the woods
I'm grateful we got on the road in good time

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Justice

First Impressions:  Seeing justice

Book:  Wisdom and balance, need to think about the consequences of our actions

Guidance:  Carefully weigh the outcomes to make sure you achieve balance before acting

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me right now because I feel like my life is all tangled up in the justice system and that my family's happiness depends upon what 12 random people decide about a random person who choose to hurt my daughter.  When I put it that way, it seems ridiculous that I would give those 12 random people so much power over my happiness, but my random brain and my emotions are not always connected and there is a part of me deep down inside that doesn't believe in trusting justice.  At the heart of all of this is a lack of trust as it is so difficult for me to trust anyone even people who have proven themselves over and over to be trustworthy.

My fear / distrust of the justice system is also driven by the fact that when I was in high school and hit by a truck, the justice system refused to award me just compensation.  The insurance company was allowed to not pay out and when we went to court, we did not receive just compensation.  I believe that lies at my fear of the justice system, the belief that for some reason justice will not prevail.  That is an interesting and odd way to look at things, but I think that is at the heart of a lot of what I'm feeling.  I feel as if the justice system proved itself untrustworthy once so why should I trust it again.  Even though my brain knows that this is a completely different situation, my heart still thinks that justice is messed up.  I think the only thing that is going to help is time and patience and repeatedly letting go of my fears.

Gratitude
I'm grateful that Scott told me what OV said
I'm grateful for the good call with Doty
I'm grateful for the good conversation with John
I'm grateful that I got a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

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