Thursday, October 31, 2019

Tarot Blog Hop: Honoring Our Beloved Dead


Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop honoring our beloved dead.  I chose to honor Freda Kahlo as she is an inspiration to me.  I'm our wrangler this month and my guidance was to create a physical or virtual altar to someone we love or who has inspired us and to pull cards asking for advice.


Dearest Frida,

Thank you for being fierce and reminding us to take action instead of to whine.  Thank you for giving me an example of how to live life boldly.  Thank you for showing me that a woman could be fierce, bold, and feminine.

Blessings Raine

Chosen Card for Frida

The card I chose to represent Frida in her altar is not actually a card, but one of her paintings where she reminded me of the queen of cups.  

How do you feel about where the world is right now?
The nine of coins tells me that the world is a very lonely place right there as there is so much abundance for some that they can stand apart and not have a sense of community.  This makes sense as Frida was a communist and she would clearly see the separation between the haves and the have nots.   The other messages from this card are to be cherish what I do have and to have a sense of gratitude.  I should also do what I can to help those who have less than I do.  I may never be able to balance things out, but that should not stop me from doing what I can.




What can I learn from you?
The Page of Cups tells me to approach life from a place o love and to be fierce in my love.  I need to let go of slights and hurts and to let love flow.  This is an important message for me as it is a reminder that life can be hard, but it becomes much harder when I hold on to aches, pains,and slights.








What advice can you give me?
The Ace of Coins tells me to treasure what I have and to live a life of gratitude.  Do not worry or let thoughts of lack bring me fear.  I will be taken care of.  Another good message as I often get all caught up in what I don't have and forget to treasure what I do have.







All in all this was a good read, if somewhat short.

Previous | Master Next



Tarot Blog Hop: Master List

Here is the master list.

Sacred Healing

Quiet Bonnie

Tarot of Change

Messages from Lore

Tarot and Stars

Friday, October 18, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions:  Sword play, graph in the sky

Book:  Focused concentration, balancing

Guidance:  Clear space for difficult tasks

Journaling

I like the reminder of the need to clear space for difficult tasks.  I'm not very good at that and I let myself get all swirly over the weirdness going on in my life.  I take things way too personally and forget that things will change over time.  K. at B. is driving me nuts right now as she is just a small minded little person who sees conspiracy theories everywhere and she is so desperate to be promoted that she has to grab all the attention.  I'm not that person.  I know I do a good job and I don't need the glory for this and I've been asking myself a lot lately if I am upset because I'm not getting the glory or if I'm upset because dealing with her is a waste of time and we're treading water because she is clueless and I think the bottom line is that I'm annoyed because we are treading water because she is clueless.  I've done this so many times that I don't need the kudos that come from this and I can do this in my sleep because I've done it so many times before.  I'm struggling because I don't have time to waste right now and she's a drain on my energy.

I need to figure out what my next steps are and how to withdraw from this client without losing the gig for itelli.  I don't know what the solution to that is, but I think I need to clear my head space and let go of all the drama. I  just need to focus on the work and not worry about the drama.  The drama will work itself out.  I just need to let go of the need to control the situation.  I cannot control her and sometimes all you need to do is to just let it play out.  She will eventually get tired of the situation, then I can do things that I know are the right thing to do.

Interesting when I read the blog post at Lisa's site about this card, it talks about being deceived because you were gullible and to really pay attention and know the truth.  That tells me that she is being dishonest. 

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the hard work on my school work
I'm grateful for the yummy taco salad
I'm grateful for the great walk with the doggods
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for waking up with Wendy snuggling

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Wands

First Impressions:   Waiting, Patience

Book:  Watching her progeny's ship come in

Guidance:  Visionary Leadership will see a project flourish

Journaling

Reading Lisa's description of this card and how it reminded her of her mother's love is really difficult for me as I am coming to realize that I never truly had my mother's love.  She loved the idea of me, but she didn't really love me.  I was difficult, outspoken, and prickly and that wasn't someone she wanted to deal with.  I'm writing a paper about addiction and shame and I'm realizing that I was shamed from the moment I was born.  I was always too loud, not demure enough, too smart, too bookish, or too something else.  My grandmother flat out told me that I was stuck up and my mother treated me as I wasn't who she wanted as a daughter.  She wanted someone who would have been content to be a MRS and that was not me.  I always wanted more out of life.  I wanted to use my brain and I wanted to change the world.  I had not desire to be the demure little wife.  I'm also starting to realize how complicit my father was in this as he taught me that elders deserved respect no matter what and that women were to be subservient to men.  Hell, he left churches when they got women minsters because the bible said that women should not lead men. 

I'm realizing that I've spent my life swimming in shame after constantly being told that I wasn't good enough, that I was was bad to my very core.  However, this card is only about Charlene if I choose to let it be about Charlene.  I can choose to let her pilot my life or I can choose to pilot my own life and I'm going to choose to pilot my own life.  I get to decide where  I'm going and I'm going to figure out a way to have the life that I want to have.  I'm not exactly sure yet what that looks like, but I will figure it out.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for Sean getting home early
I'm grateful for the yummy pork chops
I'm grateful for time to work on my paper
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Knight of Cups

First Impressions:  Open heart

Book: Welcoming the flow of feelings

Guidance: Acting from the heart

Journaling

It's Sean's birthday today and he's been in my life for 30 years and it has been a roller coaster, but I am so glad that he's my kid.  I'm also so proud of the positive changes he's made in the last year.  He's lost a lot of weight, he's gone back to school, and he's really grown up before my eyes.  I admire him so much as he goes out and runs 5Ks and I don't know how he gets the energy.  He is also the most compassionate and loving person in the family and he has an incredibly tender heart. 

When you first have children, you tend to think of the things that you will teach them, but as they grow up, you start to realize that your children can teach you many lessons as well.  Here are some of the lessons I've learned from my son:


  1. Dealing with Disappointment. There were many times when Sean was growing up that we could not give him everything he wanted and he, mostly, handled that with grace.
  2. The value of discretion.  Sean is in a hard place as it often seems as if he is trapped between his father and me, but he manages this emotionally fraught relationship with discretion and even though it sometimes drives me nuts, I'm incredibly proud of him.
  3. He understands it takes hard work to change your life.  He realized his weight was out of control last year and he took steps to change it and he's lost a lot of weight and is feeling much better.
  4. Follow your passions.  It might seem silly to some, but Sean has really been motivated to lose weight by which rollercoasters he can ride.  He gets so excited when he can ride a new roller coaster.
  5. Love animals.  Our entire family loves animals, but I think Sean loves them most of all as he is kind and compassionate even to the animals that Cam and I aren't fond of.
  6. Be willing to change your mind.  Sean was adamant he wouldn't go back to school, but then he realized that if he wanted to build a better life, he would need to go back to school and he did.
  7. Pay Attention.  Sean is the best gift giver in the family and that's because he really pays attention to what people say and he listens.
  8. Do what needs to be done. Sean's job can be miserable at times and he often comes home and complains about it, but at the end of he day he sucks it up and does it.
  9. Take care of the people you love.  Sean does a great job of taking care of the people and critters he loves and even though he might grumble, he takes care of us.
  10. Be your own person.  He drives me nuts sometimes and I don't always understand his interests, but he is his own person and I'm proud of him.
Sean truly is the knight of cups in the family because he leads with his heart.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I've had Sean in my life for 30 years
I'm grateful that he is so kind and loving
I'm grateful he liked the Angel Food Cake
I'm grateful we had dinner as a family before I had to leave
I'm grateful for an ontime flight
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather

Friday, October 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Strength

First Impressions: Lion, face to face, taming my dragons

Book:  Meeting a challenge in the eye, card of courage, confidence, and determination

Guidance:  Be your most magnificent self

Journaling:

This card is incredibly hard for me because I was brought up to believe that I was weak and that I was nothing without a man to take care of me.  I'm learning that that is not how other people see me and that is difficult for me.  I remember when Blaze told me I was a strong woman and I was insulted.  There is a part of me that really wants to be the damsel in distress.  I want someone to rush in and take care of me and god knows there are days when it is really fucking hard to take care of myself.  There are days I hate having to be strong and to bear the entire burden.  However, the truth of the matter is that I've always had to take care of myself as I've never truly had anyone I could rely on to support me and be there for me.  I know my daddy loved me, but he never understood me and he never understood my drive to be my own person.  He also raised me to believe that women were second class citizens.  And my mother was even worse as my power threatened her and she constantly wanted me to tone it down and be demure.  That wasn't in my personality so as a result, I ended up being strong, but then second guessing myself.

It is so hard for me now when I hear J call me a strong personality as I don't see myself that way.  I see myself as on the verge of getting fired every day.  I don't see that what I've accomplished and I downplay my accomplishments.  Cam told me I was ballin, as in being a ball buster, for the dead email and for my SAP email.  I don't think it's that big of deal and I don't know why that impresses people so much.  I also don't see why starting an OCM practice impresses people as I just did what I needed to do to make it work.  There was no real plan, I just did the next right thing.  I think at the heart of it, I want to bail because I'm afraid that people will see that I'm a fraud and that I'm really not as great as all my hype.  I guess that I have a big time case of impostor's syndrome and the reality is that I am as good as my hype and I can do my job and I deserve the praise.  I love Lisa's Blog Post about Strength where she says, " Since then my whole life changed. I had been a rather timid, shy, introvert. I have become more assertive, much stronger and able to lead."  I am able to lead and can outwardly manifest the leadership, but internally I'm a shy little mouse.

Strength says to face my fears, but my fears are deep within my soul as I feel that I am unworthy of happiness and that at my core I am nothing.  I don't know how to reclaim myself and build a life that works for me.


Gratitudes;
I'm grateful that Cam is doing better
I'm grateful Sean took Cam to school
I'm grateful for JS' comments
I'm grateful for DS' comments
I'm grateful for taking care of myself
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the work I got done



Thursday, October 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Hearts

First Impressions:  Broken heart, betrayal

Book:  Three needles pierce the heart, one is mending it

Guidance:  Forgiveness heals

Journaling

Cam's heart is breaking today because the prosecutor wanted to move the trial back because of a murder trial.  We pushed back hard because it is really hard to schedule around this trial and it seems that every time we are all set, something happens and it gets pushed back.  I don't think the people in the justice system understand that this wrecks havoc with our lives or maybe they don't care.  I do know that the prosecutors are diligent and good people who are doing a really hard job.  I could not sit there and read through these heartbreaking cases and go to bat for victims. I think I would become numb and it would be very difficult for me to be compassionate.  I also think that it would be hard to switch back and forth between being there for my family and putting up shields to protect myself.  In some ways, this is very similar to what healthcare workers go through when they need to be kind and compassionate, but need to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I'm someone who is passionate about what I do and passionate about making a difference and I can't hold part of myself back and feel like I'm doing a good job.  I think that's what's really hard about where I'm at with work right now is that I'm not all in and I feel like I'm not able to do a good job because I'm not all in.  What's odd is that other people think I'm doing a good job, but I don't.  I think I'm doing a subpar job because I'm not all in.  I don't know what the solution is because the bottom line is that my heart isn't in it anymore and it's hard for me to do a good job.  There are so many times when it really feels like I'm not going through the motions and I'm not someone who likes to feel as if they are just going through the motions.  I like to be passionate about what I do and I like to feel that I'm making a difference.

As I'm reading this, I'm realizing that I'm struggling to find passion in my person life because it feels like there is nothing left for me.  School is fascinating and I am so enjoying it, but it also makes it hard to tarot and do the other things I'm passionate about.  I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that it is something I need to give some thought to.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I stuck up for Cam
I'm grateful that Cam stuck it out at school
I'm grateful that Cam and I were able to talk it out
I'm grateful that I was working at home today
I'm grateful that I made progress at work
I'm grateful that the weather is beautiful

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Swords

First Impressions:  Protecting someone, nastiness

Book:  Boy becomes a pawn in a much bigger game

Guidance:  Be sensitive to others during conflict

Journaling

This card is so true today, but Sean is a grownup and I cannot protect him from his crappy father who takes so much advantage of him and who acts like he is super dad.  The jackass actually wrote me today and said he was just getting Sean a gift card and not engaging in my petty drama.  He doesn't get how he caused the situation with his horrible behavior, by taking advantage of Sean's sweet heart, and using him.  However, I also have to own my share of the drama and I do behave like a baby.  I need to just stay out of Sean's relationship with his dad.  He is starting to see the light about what a stinkhole (Clark's words) he is, but the more I throw a fit and remind Sean how horrible he is, the more I push Sean away.

It is so hard because John is the most abusive person I've ever met and he plays head games to guilt people into doing what he wants and taking care of him.  He has never wanted to work for a living and he truly believes that the world owes him a living.  However, there is nothing that I can do about him except refuse to play his games and refuse to get sucked into his drama.  I was so proud of myself for not responding and just deleting the emails.  I have learned that sometimes the only thing you can do when someone is pushing your buttons is to not respond and to not let them know they've gotten under your skin.

It's been a hard week for me as last week I got Charlene's letter and now I hear from John.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I just need to let go and let god and trust that it is all going to work out.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good sessions
I'm grateful for the support from T & J
I'm grateful for a good call with M.
I'm grateful for the yummy dinner
I'm grateful for the peaceful evening
I'm grateful for not responding to jacka**

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions: Crawling the last few steps

Book: Enduring many challenges, close to completion of the journey

Guidance:  Hang in there, you have learned many lessons and are close to completion

Journaling

There have been so many days lately where it feels as if I will never reach a place of peace and happiness.  There have been so many trials and tribulations and it feels as if the burdens just keep piling on instead of being removed.  This card is about being battered and bruised, but digging deep within to find the strength to keep going.  I've been in this place many times before and I've always been able to dig down and find that little bit more to keep persevering.  However, this time it feels as if there is no more, as if the well is dry and there is nothing more to find within my reservoir.  I don't even know who I can lean on in this time of deep soul pain.  And it feels as if I am not only bearing my own soul pain, but I'm also bearing Cam's as well.

This card is telling me that I can make it, that I can find what I need to push past the finish line and be successful.  I don't know where I'll find that little bit more, but I will keep looking for it and I will just keep pushing forward.  Interestingly, what they are telling me is that it is not about finding a little bit more right now, the key for me right now is to lean on my staff and to take a breather.  The key for me in this card is to know when to stop and take a breather and when to continue pushing forward.  There is no point in reaching the goal if I am going to collapse across the finish line.  True wisdom and knowledge is knowing when to push and knowing when to pull back.

Now is a time when I need to pull back, when I need to rest and not continue to push.  I need to take a break and let myself be human.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for getting my paper finished
I'm grateful for taking a great walk
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm greatful for getting the doggo room cleaned out

Friday, October 4, 2019

Deliberate Draw: The Lovers

First Impressions:  Entwined

Book:  Love can inspire us to grow beyond our boundaries

Guidance:  Choose what to do with the energy

Journaling

Love of all sorts has been on my mind lately as I digest the latest bomb that my mother threw my way.  However, I'm reading the book Shadow Daughter:  A Memoir of Estrangement and it is helping me so much as I'm realizing that I'm not alone and I'm realizing that there are other people who have estranged themselves from their families because of poor treatment.  Some of the stories included in that book really are helping me to realize that I am not alone and that there are other people who walked away because their families made them feel less than.  The book also touched on a lot of the shame that comes around estrangement as we are so wired to be part of a family and we are taught from the time we can walk that families matter and that we should be there for our families.

As much as my mother was the one that did the most damage, I'm starting to realize how much my father contributed to damaging my soul as he taught me that your elders were to be respected no matter what.  It didn't seem to matter how horrible my grandmother treated my mother, she continued to go back for more and she taught me that it was okay for people you love to abuse you and that unconditional love was taking the abuse no matter what.  That's an ugly horrible lesson to learn and one that I have worked hard to not teach my kids.  I think the issue is that my dad grew up with garden variety crazy and he didn't have anyone in his family who was truly evil and when you just have garden variety crazy, the advice to respect your elders makes sense.  However, when you have evil and mean it does not.

Love is one of the hardest lessons in the world because we want to love unconditionally, but we still need to protect ourselves and that is a tremendously difficult dichotomy to understand.  I'm starting to realize that true love can hurt as we are all human beings, but true love should not demoralize or be physically abusive.  True love should always be respectful and the other person's feelings should always matter.  That doesn't mean we don't inadvertently say hurtful things, but we should not set out to demoralize the other person and put them in their place.  I believe true love is about helping the other person to soar and making decisions that are in their best interests.  There may be times when that doesn't happen, but overall we should work to help the other person be their best.  And when we truly have that loving environment, we can soar and we can move beyond our boundaries.

Gratidues

I'm grateful for the call with Jamie
I'm grateful for the support of the team
I'm grateful for the wonderful walk
I'm grateful for the yummy Mexican
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting work done

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Sanctuary

Book:  The Great Mother Guadalupe

Guidance:  Balance your struggles with hope

Journaling:

This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over.  The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help.  We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don't ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking.  I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help.  When I try to do it all myself, I can't and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed.  However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.

The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help.  I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help.  It's a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness.  I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood.  It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back.  Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort.  And it didn't even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness. 

The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a "drunken slut who tried to kill herself."  I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment.  However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment.  I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me.  The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce.  I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her.  I've realized that she always makes it all about her.  She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her.  There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry.  If that was me, I would have led with I'm sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for my new sneakers
I'm grateful for Nothing Bundt Cake
I'm grateful for finding Bai
I'm grateful for hanging out in the house
I'm grateful the dinner out with Cam
I'm grateful for the walk



Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Swords

First Impressions:  Eight of Swords

Book:  Raven can easily hop out of circle of swords. The Eight of Swords is a card of empowerment, of moving beyond our limitations into the vastness of eternity.

Guidance:  Most of what traps us is an illusion

Journaling

There are some days that I agree 100% that we have the ability to change our lives and to hop out of the circle of swords, but there are other days when I feel totally overwhelmed by life and feel as if nothing I do matters and that there is no way I can change my life.  I do feel trapped by work and as if nothing that I do matters or means anything.  I know I get paid a whole lot of money to help companies convince people to change their software and most days that feels pretty crappy.  I feel like I'm just helping the man.  I never wanted to go into the corporate world and I never wanted to be locked into working for a paycheck, but here I am.  The worst part is that I don't know how to get out of the gilded cage that I've built for myself.

My heart is in the world of tarot and spirit, but that doesn't pay the bills and I don't know how to find something that speaks to my heart and pays the bills.  The guidance from reading Lisa's blog post on the eight of swords is that I can move beyond my limitations.  I don't know exactly what that means or what I need to do to change my mind or my way of thinking.  I just feel trapped and as if nothing that I do matters because I am going to be on this hamster wheel forever and I'm going to continue to have to spend time doing things that don't matter to me to pay the bills.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the safe drive home
I'm grateful for the good meeting with K
I'm grateful for the yummy Casey's Pizza
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for getting stuff done

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Hermit

Note:  Today is the last of my Tiamat  musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.

Tarot de St. Croix
Dark Goddess Question:  What is the secret of the deep?

First Impressions:  Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude

Book:  Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized

Dark Goddess book:  Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances

Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself



Dark Goddess Tarot
Dark Goddess Guidance:  Trust the momentum of your soul's journey, seek out the still and sacred places

Journaling

The secret of the deep can be found within your soul.  The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction.  I need to look within and find who I really am.  This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can't get the PhD that I was looking for.  I've realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty.  I'm realizing that when don't have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love.  Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn't.  My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn't realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.

I've done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people.  She always made me feel as if I didn't matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people.  She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can't accept that you don't have to make everyone happy with how you live your life.  It's taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I'm okay.  I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I've realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that's okay.  For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her.  That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Far Automotive was able to fix my car quickly
I'm grateful that people gave me recommendations for fixing my car
I'm grateful that I got a good walk
I'm grateful for the good meetings
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the awesome pizza

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