Thursday, October 3, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Sanctuary

Book:  The Great Mother Guadalupe

Guidance:  Balance your struggles with hope

Journaling:

This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over.  The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help.  We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don't ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking.  I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help.  When I try to do it all myself, I can't and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed.  However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.

The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help.  I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help.  It's a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness.  I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood.  It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back.  Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort.  And it didn't even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness. 

The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a "drunken slut who tried to kill herself."  I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment.  However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment.  I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me.  The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce.  I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her.  I've realized that she always makes it all about her.  She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her.  There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry.  If that was me, I would have led with I'm sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful for my new sneakers
I'm grateful for Nothing Bundt Cake
I'm grateful for finding Bai
I'm grateful for hanging out in the house
I'm grateful the dinner out with Cam
I'm grateful for the walk



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