Friday, October 11, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Strength

First Impressions: Lion, face to face, taming my dragons

Book:  Meeting a challenge in the eye, card of courage, confidence, and determination

Guidance:  Be your most magnificent self


This card is incredibly hard for me because I was brought up to believe that I was weak and that I was nothing without a man to take care of me.  I'm learning that that is not how other people see me and that is difficult for me.  I remember when Blaze told me I was a strong woman and I was insulted.  There is a part of me that really wants to be the damsel in distress.  I want someone to rush in and take care of me and god knows there are days when it is really fucking hard to take care of myself.  There are days I hate having to be strong and to bear the entire burden.  However, the truth of the matter is that I've always had to take care of myself as I've never truly had anyone I could rely on to support me and be there for me.  I know my daddy loved me, but he never understood me and he never understood my drive to be my own person.  He also raised me to believe that women were second class citizens.  And my mother was even worse as my power threatened her and she constantly wanted me to tone it down and be demure.  That wasn't in my personality so as a result, I ended up being strong, but then second guessing myself.

It is so hard for me now when I hear J call me a strong personality as I don't see myself that way.  I see myself as on the verge of getting fired every day.  I don't see that what I've accomplished and I downplay my accomplishments.  Cam told me I was ballin, as in being a ball buster, for the dead email and for my SAP email.  I don't think it's that big of deal and I don't know why that impresses people so much.  I also don't see why starting an OCM practice impresses people as I just did what I needed to do to make it work.  There was no real plan, I just did the next right thing.  I think at the heart of it, I want to bail because I'm afraid that people will see that I'm a fraud and that I'm really not as great as all my hype.  I guess that I have a big time case of impostor's syndrome and the reality is that I am as good as my hype and I can do my job and I deserve the praise.  I love Lisa's Blog Post about Strength where she says, " Since then my whole life changed. I had been a rather timid, shy, introvert. I have become more assertive, much stronger and able to lead."  I am able to lead and can outwardly manifest the leadership, but internally I'm a shy little mouse.

Strength says to face my fears, but my fears are deep within my soul as I feel that I am unworthy of happiness and that at my core I am nothing.  I don't know how to reclaim myself and build a life that works for me.

I'm grateful that Cam is doing better
I'm grateful Sean took Cam to school
I'm grateful for JS' comments
I'm grateful for DS' comments
I'm grateful for taking care of myself
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the work I got done

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