Thursday, October 10, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Hearts

First Impressions:  Broken heart, betrayal

Book:  Three needles pierce the heart, one is mending it

Guidance:  Forgiveness heals

Journaling

Cam's heart is breaking today because the prosecutor wanted to move the trial back because of a murder trial.  We pushed back hard because it is really hard to schedule around this trial and it seems that every time we are all set, something happens and it gets pushed back.  I don't think the people in the justice system understand that this wrecks havoc with our lives or maybe they don't care.  I do know that the prosecutors are diligent and good people who are doing a really hard job.  I could not sit there and read through these heartbreaking cases and go to bat for victims. I think I would become numb and it would be very difficult for me to be compassionate.  I also think that it would be hard to switch back and forth between being there for my family and putting up shields to protect myself.  In some ways, this is very similar to what healthcare workers go through when they need to be kind and compassionate, but need to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I'm someone who is passionate about what I do and passionate about making a difference and I can't hold part of myself back and feel like I'm doing a good job.  I think that's what's really hard about where I'm at with work right now is that I'm not all in and I feel like I'm not able to do a good job because I'm not all in.  What's odd is that other people think I'm doing a good job, but I don't.  I think I'm doing a subpar job because I'm not all in.  I don't know what the solution is because the bottom line is that my heart isn't in it anymore and it's hard for me to do a good job.  There are so many times when it really feels like I'm not going through the motions and I'm not someone who likes to feel as if they are just going through the motions.  I like to be passionate about what I do and I like to feel that I'm making a difference.

As I'm reading this, I'm realizing that I'm struggling to find passion in my person life because it feels like there is nothing left for me.  School is fascinating and I am so enjoying it, but it also makes it hard to tarot and do the other things I'm passionate about.  I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that it is something I need to give some thought to.

Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I stuck up for Cam
I'm grateful that Cam stuck it out at school
I'm grateful that Cam and I were able to talk it out
I'm grateful that I was working at home today
I'm grateful that I made progress at work
I'm grateful that the weather is beautiful

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