Thursday, October 17, 2019

Deliberate Draw: Three of Wands

First Impressions:   Waiting, Patience

Book:  Watching her progeny's ship come in

Guidance:  Visionary Leadership will see a project flourish

Journaling

Reading Lisa's description of this card and how it reminded her of her mother's love is really difficult for me as I am coming to realize that I never truly had my mother's love.  She loved the idea of me, but she didn't really love me.  I was difficult, outspoken, and prickly and that wasn't someone she wanted to deal with.  I'm writing a paper about addiction and shame and I'm realizing that I was shamed from the moment I was born.  I was always too loud, not demure enough, too smart, too bookish, or too something else.  My grandmother flat out told me that I was stuck up and my mother treated me as I wasn't who she wanted as a daughter.  She wanted someone who would have been content to be a MRS and that was not me.  I always wanted more out of life.  I wanted to use my brain and I wanted to change the world.  I had not desire to be the demure little wife.  I'm also starting to realize how complicit my father was in this as he taught me that elders deserved respect no matter what and that women were to be subservient to men.  Hell, he left churches when they got women minsters because the bible said that women should not lead men. 

I'm realizing that I've spent my life swimming in shame after constantly being told that I wasn't good enough, that I was was bad to my very core.  However, this card is only about Charlene if I choose to let it be about Charlene.  I can choose to let her pilot my life or I can choose to pilot my own life and I'm going to choose to pilot my own life.  I get to decide where  I'm going and I'm going to figure out a way to have the life that I want to have.  I'm not exactly sure yet what that looks like, but I will figure it out.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for sleeping late
I'm grateful for Sean getting home early
I'm grateful for the yummy pork chops
I'm grateful for time to work on my paper
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy

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